Chappelle's Show

Chad: Tyree, you stabbed my dad! And you had sex with Katie. Tyree: Hey man, you got that all wrong. I ain't have sex with Katie. LYSOL had sex with Katie, I just filmed it. Katie: No, Tyree. You had sex with me too! Tyree: Correction. I had sex with Katie. Tron: (As Chad walks away in disgust) Hey, Chad... (Chad turns around) I had sex with Katie too, man. (to the camera) Don't give up, Stinky! Katie's got some big ass tittays.

Silky Johnston: Uh-oh, fellas! Looks as though we have company. Slave master: What the hell are you niggers doing out here? Silky Johnston: We are the Time Haters. We travelled all the way back through time... to call yuh a cracker. Slave master: You better watch your mouth. Buck Nasty: Actually you better watch your mouth white boy, before I shove these gators up your ass and show yo' insides some style. Slave master: ENOUGH! <cracks whip> Beautiful: I-I can't be no slave, Silky! <runs off> Silky Johnston: Oh good gawd!

Buck Nasty: Look Silky, he done pulled out a whip. Silky Johnston: Nice whip. This here is a pistol. Reach for the sky, honky! Slave: Honky? HONKY? Silky Johnston: "Honky" is a racial epithet used for white people. It was made popular by a man named George Jefferson in the 1970s. You see, he and his wife, Weezie, owned a dry-cleaning business, so they moved on up to the east side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky. They finally got a piece of the pie. Convoluted story I'll admit, but the point is this... that in the future, all black people will be FREE! Slave: When's we gonna be free? Silky Johnston: That is a good question my man. How about now-ish? <shoots the slave owner, the scene is repeated 3 times>

Wayne Brady:
I make Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X, huh, motherfucker?

Wayne Brady:
Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?

Wayne Brady:
Dave, I'm sorry. Well actually, I'm not sorry! (laughs) I don't give a fuck! They cancel my show, and shit goes crazy!

Donnell Rawlings:
OH SHIT! IT'S WAYNE BRADY, SON!

Wayne Brady:
This is not an option, nigga, if you not smoking this, then we have a problem.

Bush:
After carefully examining the region, uh, me and my cabinet agree that that area is definitely ripe for regime change.

Ashcroft:
A'ight?

Bush:
But if I can be real about it?

Ashcroft:
Be real, son.

Bush:
Real?

Ashcroft:
Be real real, son.

Bush:
He tried to kill my father, man.

Ashcroft:
What?

Bush:
I don't play that shit!

Ashcroft:
Yo, say word he tried to kill your father, son.

Bush:
[grabbing boom mike from above]: The nigga tried to kill my father!

Ashcroft:
Word on everything we love, we coming to see y'all, son.

Bush:
The nigga bought aluminum tubes! Do I need to tell you what the fuck you can do with an aluminum tube?! ALUMINUM!!!! That don't scare ya? Fine. I didn't wanna say this. The muthafucka bought some yellowcake. Ok? In Africa. He went to Africa and he bought yellowcake.

Female Reporter:
Are you sure?

Bush:
Yes, I'm sure, bitch!

Bush:
U.N. [United Nations], you got problem with that? You know what you should do? You should sanction me. Sanction me with your army. Oh! wait a minute! You don't have an army! So I guess that means you need to shut the fuck up! That's what I would do if I don't have an army, I would shut the fuck up. [speaks into the individual mics at the podium, one word at a time] Shut, the, fuck, up!. That's right! Kofi Annan, you think I'm going to take orders from an African? You might speak sixteen languages, but you gonna need them when you in Times Square selling fake hats. And I know fake Gucci when I see it, nigga I'm rich!

Bush:
I got a coalition of the willing. I got forty nations, ready to roll, son!

Reporter:
Like who?

Bush:
Who the fuck said that? Huh? Huh? Like who? ...England... Japan's sending PlayStations. Stankonia says they're willing to drop bombs over Baghdad. Riggity Row is coming. Afrika Bambaataa and the Zulu Nation. So, I'm not doing this by myself, and I'm not disrespecting the U.N., even though they don't got no army. Go sell some medicine, bitches! I'm trying to get that oil... [coughs, trying to cover up saying oil] uh-HO!

Bush:
[asked if the motivation for war is oil] What? Huh? Oil? Who said anything about oil bitch, you cooking? Oil? [tips and spills a water pitcher onto the table, runs out of the room] Come on y'all, get out of here!