Cheers, Season 10

Frasier:
Sam, your whole life has been a string of meaningless albeit enjoyable sexual encounters. Now for the first time you're engaging in a meaningful productive pursuit. It's a common conflict between what we call recreational sex and procreational sex.

Sam:
What?

Frasier:
Oh, dirty sex and clean sex.

Sam:
Woody, we're out of here. You're in charge of the bar.

Woody:
Why bother, Sam? Whenever you put me in charge nobody every listens to me. I just get laughed at and get drinks poured over my head.

Sam:
If anyone does that to you, you just sic Carla on them.

Woody:
I'm talkin' about Carla.

Cliff:
What do you say, Norm? For of us toolin' down old mother road, getting in touch with the old hairy man mobile.

Norm:
I don't know. I don't think I can handle sitting still for six hours a day.

Cliff:
It might be more like 20.

Norm:
Oh then I'm in.

Rebecca:
Oh shoot. It's a minus. I'm not pregnant. Well we only started trying last night. I guess we can't expect to get pregnant the first time.

Sam:
I thought that's what the fourth and fifth times were for.

Norm:
Fifth time? Imagine that.

Cliff:
I'm only up to three.

Pete:
I wonder what's wrong with Carla.

Cliff:
We all know what's wrong with Carla, but I'm the only one with enough courage to say it. Not enough bran.

[Carla pushes Cliff off his stool]

Carla:
Sam, I'm gonna read your mind. Okay, think of something.

Sam:
Right now?

Carla:
Yeah.

Sam:
Okay.

Carla:
You're thinkin' about your car.

Sam:
Nope.

Carla:
You're thinkin' about some babe.

Sam:
Nope.

Carla:
Wait a minute. Give me a minute. I can do this. Just give me a chance. You're thinkin' about your hair.

Sam:
Nope.

Carla:
Come on, Sam. That's everything you ever think about.

Frasier:
Oh say you know Norm, the guy on This Old House said you should apply paint with vertical strokes.

Norm:
Yeah, what's This Old House?

Frasier:
Well it's a show on PBS.

Norm:
What's PBS?

Lilith:
Tell me you didn't see that coming a mile away.

Rebecca:
Carla, do you think I'll make a good mother?

Carla:
Nope.

Rebecca:
What do you mean?

Carla:
You asked me a question. I gave you an answer.

Rebecca:
But I'm serious.

Carla:
Sorry I'm just being honest.

Rebecca:
You're not being honest. You're being mean.

Carla:
Sometimes you get a twofer.

Rebecca:
I think I figured out why you haven't been able to give me a baby.

Sam:
What makes you think it's my fault?

Rebecca:
Well I've been doing some reading and I think I know what the problem is. You wear bikini briefs, don't you?

Sam:
Sweetheart, I know the light's usually off but I do take them off.

Cliff:
The only real hurdle left is Ma. It's very traumatic when the woman you love more than anything else is the world meets your significant other.

Norm:
Which would be which, Cliff?

Cliff:
Now you see my problem.

Rebecca:
I am not going to have a baby until I'll know I'll be a good parent.

Sam:
Taking care of Carla's kids is not going to prove you're a good parent. It just proves you can survive in the wild.

Frasier:
People. People. We cannot impose our own moral belief systems on these two.

Sam:
Yes, thank you very much.

Frasier:
The real question is, will they make responsible parents?

Rebecca:
That's right.

Frasier:
And the answer is an emphatic no.

Lilith:
Frasier, we need to have a discussion.

Frasier:
oh no, don't tell me you have a thing against Halloween too.

Lilith:
I don't have a thing against Halloween. I just don't want my child panhandling door to door accepting non-nutritious snacks from strangers dressed in a silly costume.

Frasier:
But darling, that is Halloween.

Lilith:
Oh well, then I guess I do have a thing against it.

Rebecca:
I think you guys should just call it off. I mean I think it's childish.

Sam:
Excuse me. Childish? Sweetheart, this is bar versus bar. We will use any weapons available to us; water balloons, stink bombs, whoopee cushions, and fake vomit. Yes fake vomit. Now how childish is it?

Sam:
Hey what's going on, Normie?

Norm:
It's my birthday Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I'll blow out my liver.

Lilith:
Frasier, I've got to run. I'm having my photograph taken for a new ID badge at the lab.

Rebecca:
Are you going to get your hair done for that?

Lilith:
Why on earth should I?

Carla:
Well at least get the tension on that bun checked. I mean if that baby goes, we are dead!

Lilith:
That hardly seems just, coming from a woman whose hair has never seen a greasy pot it couldn't scrub clean.

Carla:
What are you doing down here, Hill? Hair Club for Men meeting?

John Hill:
Oh I didn't see you down there Miss Tortelli. Although frankly, [sniffs] you do announce your presence.

Carla:
So have you decided what color you're going to dye your head for Easter?

John Hill:
Why don't you just scuttle under the office door and get Sam?

Carla:
[Yelling in Mr. Hill's face] SAM! HILL'S HERE!

Woody:
Hey Mr. P, how goes the search for Mr. Clavin?

Norm:
Not as well as the search for Mr. Doughnut. I found him every couple of blocks.

Henri:
I am being kicked out. Just because I am not a citizen and I have no job and I have no prospect for a job and I have no wish for a job.

Norm:
Wait a minute. They can kick you out for that?

Sam:
No, no relax. You were born here.

Norm:
God bless America.

Woody:
You're wrong Kelly. He's using you. He wrote that letter himself. He's not going to be deported. He's just trying to steal you away from me.

Henri:
How did you figure that out?

Woody:
You mean I'm right? Wow. Score one for the Indiana school system.

Carla:
You've been with thousands of women over the years, right?

Sam:
Yeah right.

Carla:
How many cards do you get on Father's Day?

Sam:
That doesn't mean anything.

Carla:
Sammy sooner or later you're gonna have to face the possibility that whether you like it or not you might just possibly have a low sperm count.

Sam:
You're fired!

Paul:
Where's Norm and Cliff?

Woody:
I guess they're at work. I don't know.

Paul:
You've got a cute sense of humor, Woody. I like that.

Sam:
Hey sweetheart, what do you think? If it's a boy we name it Sam.

Rebecca:
Oh I don't know. You know I always thought that naming a child after yourself was saying you wanted them to grow up just like you, like the things you like, to act the way you do.

Sam:
Okay, Sam it is.

Frasier:
I sense the mood of the bar. You're all suffering from the winter blues; the shortened daylight hours, the cold numbing weather, the bleak sense of isolation. It's what we in the psychiatric professions call, the jackpot.

Rebecca:
You know when I was a kid I was the first one in my class to, you know, develop breasts. They teased me the whole year.

Norm:
Oh yeah? Me too.

Rebecca:
Who's birthday? One of your kids?

Carla:
Yeah right, you see a file in it? Today happens to be Elvis Presley's birthday.

Norm:
Celebrating the birthday of a dead guy. That's kind of ghoulish, isn't it? I don't know how you could stomach something like that.

Carla:
It's double mocha chocolate fudge.

Norm:
Long live the king.

Blood Worker:
Excuse me miss, I've been sent to collect some specimens.

Carla:
They're sitting over there on the other side of the bar.

Sam:
Carla, good news. I've given a lot of thought and I decided to offer my employees a group medical plan.

Carla:
Oh man, that's great Sammy. What changed your mind?

Sam:
It's the right thing to do. You guys need it. You deserve it. It's important to you. Plus they passed some kind of law.

Frasier:
Carla, you can't believe God has a personal vendetta against you.

Carla:
Look at my kids. Look at my husbands. Look at my life. What do you think?

Frasier:
You know Carla never ceases to amaze me. She has a strange mixture of fervent religious faith and primitive superstition. I suppose it's part of our ever changing mixed up culture.

Lilith:
I don't know that you should blame Carla's belief system on culture, Frasier. The need to worship high intelligence is an innate and universal phenomenon. In fact, in recent week it's become clear that my lab rats worship me as a goddess. I must confess I don't discourage them.

Frasier:
Very interesting dear. Apropos of nothing, how many vacation days do you have coming?

Lilith:
I don't know, 80, 85.

Frasier:
What do you say we cash 50, 60 of those in and have you spend a little time with some people?

Frasier:
Darling, are you going to be okay with this?

Lilith:
Am I going to be okay with this? Let's see. Earlier today I discovered that my husband had an ex-wife he never told me about. Then I had the pleasure of watching him kiss said ex-wife in front of 1,000 children including his own. Then to top it all off, she hugged me. Can you deduce from my tone whether or not I'm going to be okay with this?

Frasier:
Baby, you're the greatest.

Carla:
Hey Frase, I hear you used to be married to a children's singer. What's the matter? Burl Ives turn you down?

Henderson:
Do you have a Clavin here?

Carla:
Yeah, but it hasn't been flushing right lately.

Rebecca:
Oh Sam, he's so sweet. I don't want to hurt his feelings. What do you say when you break up with a woman?

Sam:
I usually say, "I'll call you tomorrow."

John Hill:
For the next three hours I need you and the rest of the Cheers' chimps to hold down the noise. Right now I'm entertaining 200 elderly women from the Daughters of the American Revolution.

Sam:
Givin' 'em a first-hand account, John?

John Hill:
Very amusing. Sam, this vent connects directly to my dining room and often we can hear everything you say down here. So tell your mailman to go to that side of the bar if he wants to describe his fungal infections.

Norm:
You know, I have to second that.

Woody:
Actually, I was the best poker player in the entire metro Hanover area.

Cliff:
Well, uh, you're in the city now, Woody.

Woody:
Well I guess you do play different than a bunch of farm boys.

Sam:
Oh, yes we do. Why don't you sit down, Woodrow?

Woody:
Oh, thanks. Take it easy on me.

Norm:
OK. What sort of game would you like to play, huh?

Woody:
Well, how 'bout, uh... "Five blind piglets and one full teat"?

Norm:
What the heck kind of game is that?

Woody:
That's where five city boys lose all their money. [starts dealing one-handed]

Kelly:
Woody, we've got to be going.

Woody:
Right. [to Sam] If James has to circle the block more than once he has a hissy fit.

Kelly:
Boy. Chauffeurs, huh, Miss Howe?

Rebecca:
Oh, yeah. I have that trouble with mine all the time.

Kelly:
Really? What do you do?

Rebecca:
I wake up.

Frasier:
Everyone, I have an announcement to make. You may not have noticed but over the last year I've allowed myself to gradually fall out of shape. I'm frequently tired and I find I no longer have the energy for some of my daily activities.

Lilith:
Or some of your weekly ones.

Frasier:
Which is why Richard here is going to put me on a strict exercise and diet regimen. Now you may ask, "Why is Frasier sharing this information with the general public?"

Carla:
Because you're the loneliest man on earth.

Lilith:
He has another reason.

Frasier:
[about his mother in law] I suppose it's wrong of me to blame Betty for all our problems. I'm sure I'm not the way she wants me to be either.

Woody:
How does she want you to be, Dr. Crane?

Frasier:
Well... dead. The thing that really drives me crazy is the unrelenting tension between Lilith and her mother. You know, Lilith just holds it all in. She has to unload it somewhere and guess who gets to listen to it endlessly.

Woody:
Apparently me, Dr. Crane.

[Lilith is frustrated because her mother is controlling her]

Cliff:
Still can't get your mother off your back, huh? It's very difficult for me to relate to.

Lilith:
[sarcastically] Really?

Cliff:
Oh, yeah. Ma and I don't have any problems. You know, in fact, most people find it's hard to tell that we're even related. Folks down at Club Med are very surprised when they find out we're mother and son... shocked even.

Carla:
I think you're gonna be surprised, 'cause Sam's gonna make this team. Right guys?

Norm:
Right, of course, he's Mayday Malone.

Cliff:
Yeah, but hold on there, Norm, what if he doesn't? Have you thought about that? A thing like that can really hit a guy hard. He'll probably storm back in here, go in the office, lock himself in, and maybe start taking inventory of his life. Peruse over the setbacks, the humiliations, the wrong turns, and all the while fashioning his belt into a makeshift noose. I mean we've all done it a hundred times.

Frasier:
You okay, Cliff?

Cliff:
What are you asking me for, Sam's the one with the problem.

Woody:
You know Dr. Crane, once back in Hanover I wanted to catch some rats and I started to play a flute and a bunch of them followed me out of town...and some children too. Oh wait, was that a movie? No, it happened.

Rebecca:
18 years old and ready to take on the world.

Woody:
Wait a minute. You were 18 when you graduated from high school? What, did daddy pull some strings?

Rebecca:
Fine. I'm going to show people who are a little less self-absorbed. Hey, everyone! Look at me! Look at me!

Cliff:
I'm Cliff Clavin from Boston, I wrote tonight's monologue.

Lady:
Oh, so you know Johnny?

Cliff:
Does anyone really know Johnny?

Cliff:
[on Johnny Carson's stage] Heeeeeere's Cliffy!

[Johnny Carson walks out on stage towards Cliff]

Johnny:
Feels pretty good, doesn't it?

Cliff:
Yeah.

Johnny:
Now get the hell of my stage before I call security.

Monika:
Are you with the groom's family?

Sam:
I'm the best man.

Monika:
I'd enjoy being the judge of that.