Cheers, Season 5

Diane:
Sam?

Sam:
Did you notice that?

Diane:
Notice what?

Sam:
Everything just got calm.

Diane:
I don't notice any difference.

Sam:
Oh, yes, yes. There's a difference in everything. The whole world just changed for me. [pause, looking up] Ohh, look. The stars are new. The moon is new. Sam Malone is new, and I like him. [pointing to the stars] And I like them. And they like me. And none of us like you.

[Sam takes a step towards Diane.]

Diane:
Am I going overboard again?

Sam:
No, no, no. Don't be silly. That would mean I care, and I don't. Bye bye, Diane.

Diane:
Where are you going?

Sam:
I'm going to swim ashore.

Diane:
You can't do that.

Sam:
Very well, I'll take the dingy. See how quickly the new Sam adjusts.

Diane:
You're going to just leave me out here all alone?

Sam:
Yes, I am.

Diane:
[sighs] Sam. Sam Malone, if you leave me out here all alone, you are the most despicable creature on Earth!

Sam:
Well, I... y'am what I y'am, and that's all that I y'am.

Norm:
Are you in pain, Woody?

Woody:
No, I was just thinkin'.

Norm:
Yeah, the first time's always the worst.

Woody:
Who do you think Sam's gonna propose to, tonight?

Carla:
What're you babblin' about, Billy Bob Joe Jim?

Sam:
The one thing I really hate is to eat alone. I always feel like someone's looking at me.

Diane:
I'm the only one here.

Sam:
Well you're looking at me.

Diane:
You can either join me or I can eat with my eyes closed.

Sam:
I see what you're doing here. You're trying to plant a seed in my brain.

Diane:
Oh don't be silly. I know of nothing that grows in solid rock.

Woody:
My first bachelor party. No dates, right?

Carla:
Hey, Fitzie, thanks for that $20 tip last night. I don't want you getting the wrong idea about me.

Mr. Fitzgerald:
Carla, I know that your favors are not for sale.

Carla:
See, that's what I mean about the wrong idea.

Lilith:
I suggest that your behavior indicates an unacceptable level of sexual frustration. You strike me as a man who needs professional help. Or perhaps a girlfriend.

Frasier:
And you strike me as a woman who could use a good cuffing.

Frasier:
Don't you see?! What these two people, who are such geniuses at romance, are trying to do is to get you to take your hair down, thinking that it will stimulate me like some sort of Pavlovian dog. So, why don't you just oblige them. Get this silliness over with so we can get on with our lives.

[Lilith takes down her hair and fixes it to where it is over her shoulders.]

Lilith:
You mean like this?

Frasier:
[lustful] Precisely. You know what?

Lilith:
What?

Frasier:
I'm going to kiss you. I'm going to kiss you hard and I'm going to kiss you long. But make no mistake about it, I am going to kiss you. In fact, I'm going to kiss you like you've never--

[Lilith throws her arms around Frasier and kisses him in a long embrace.]

Frasier:
Yes. Like that. Now, listen, Lilith. I think you and I have just been too articulate for words. We talk and we talk when what we really want to do is show how we feel.

Lilith:
I think, Dr. Crane--

Frasier:
Look, I don't care what you think. We both wanna be animals. Now, I'm going back to my tastefully decorated townhouse and prove it.

[Frasier starts towards the door. He stops right next to Lilith.]

Frasier:
Well, I-I suggest you come with me.

Lilith:
I think I see what you're trying to do, Dr. Crane, and I just want you to know...[breathes heavily] It worked.

[Lilith jumps into Frasier's arms.]

Lilith:
Let's go.

[Frasier carries Lilith out of Cheers.]

Carla:
Boy, I'll tell you it's hopeless. I have looked everywhere in the Boston area and I just cannot find a house in my price range.

Sam:
What's the big rush? Your apartment's fine.

Carla:
No, it's not. My kids get bigger, my apartment gets smaller. I don't know what it's like to be alone in the bathroom anymore. What's it like, Sam? Is it everything people say it is?

Sam:
More. Much much more.

Carla:
I knew it.

Norm:
Have you checked out the rest of the place yet?

Carla:
No, I thought it might be a good idea to have a beer first.

Norm:
Yeah, I find that pretty much applies to everything.

Sam:
You wore your socks in the tanning booth?

Cliff:
Well I've got to be careful, Sammy. The Clavin men have feet like a baby's bottom.

Carla:
With faces to match.

Diane:
Sam, may I have your ear for a moment?

Sam:
Yeah, just don't leave any bite marks.

Frasier:
You didn't want to eat there anyway, Sam. The waiters pride themselves on rudeness. The portions are too small and it's exorbitantly overpriced.

Sam:
You couldn't get in either?

Frasier:
Not till April.

Cliff:
Today marks the beginning of my seventh year as a United States postal carrier.

Norm:
Woody, I think that calls for a little drink on the house. What do you think?

Woody:
I think you're right, Mr. Peterson.

Norm:
What the hell, give Cliffie one too.

Woody:
What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?

Norm:
Zsa Zsa marries a millionaire. Peterson drinks a beer. Film at 11.

Sam:
Diane, change.

Diane:
Not for you or any man.

Sam:
No, no Diane. Change: nickels, dimes, quarters.

Sam:
Christmas comes earlier every year, doesn't it?

Woody:
I think if you check Sam, it always comes on the 25th of December.

Diane:
What could be more enjoyable than opening your heart with holiday cheer?

Carla:
Opening yours with a can opener.

Woody:
You know I was thinking about this the other day and I think in my next life I'd like to come back as the President of France.

Norm:
Why is that, Wood?

Woody:
Well I think it would attract a lot of business to the bar.

Carla:
I've been plannin' my Elvis pilgrimage to Memphis for weeks and now Nick is backing out of takin' care of the kids. He says his appendix burst.

Sam:
That seems serious to me.

Carla:
His appendix bursts every time I need a favor.

Woody:
If he was smart, he would have that removed.

Diane:
[watching her video] All my life I wanted to dance so badly!

Norm:
Looks like you got your wish.

Sam:
[to Diane] They can stop me from killing you, but they can't stop me from marrying you.

Sam:
Father, do you believe in the afterlife?

Priest:
Yes, my son. I do.

[Pause]

Sam:
Well, good. Maybe I can find her there, and, get her again.

Frasier:
Sam, this has gone too far. I think it's time you told her the truth.

Sam:
The truth? And you call yourself a psychiatrist.

Frasier:
Something tells me Diane's not the type of woman who'd want a ring from a jeweler who starts every business transaction with "Pssst, buddy."

Carla:
[about Nick] He knows women like a jeweler knows jewels; like a meat-cutter knows meat.

Loretta:
Like a marine biologist knows Marines.

Carla:
No way some guy like that ends up with me.

Sam:
Will you stop cutting yourself short. You offer a lot of things to a guy.

Carla:
Oh yeah, sure. Six kids, mortgage up to my ears, stack of bills, dead end job, and fallen arches.

Sam:
You know, if I wasn't already engaged...

Sam:
What about Frasier? Frasier you look like you could use a pick me up.

Frasier:
A hockey game? No, thank you. I've been to a bullfights in Spain and I've been to the altar with Diane. I think that's enough carnage for one life.

Norm:
We were thinking maybe somebody's got to tell Carla that she's jinxing Eddie.

Sam:
And what suicidal idiot did you have in mind to do that?

Norm:
Well your name kept coming up.

Diane:
How can a man tell a woman he loves her and yet try to kill her?

Sam:
I can see it.

Madeline:
I'd like to help with the doctor bills.

[Cliff looks at Sam.]

Sam:
That's good.

Cliff:
[to Madeline] That's good.

Madeline:
Anything to help ease the burden on you and your family.

[Cliff looks at Sam again.]

Sam:
You're not married.

Cliff:
[to Madeline] You're not married. [Sam taps Cliff on the shoulder.] I mean I'm not married. But I could be if I wanted to. Right, Sam?

Sam:
Sure.

Frasier:
[to Lillith] Darling? Don't make yourself too beautiful I can hardly stand to look at you now.

Frasier:
I should have done this earlier.

Sam:
What are you doing?

Lilith:
What was that? [Tries door] Frasier what are you doing? Frasier the door seems to be jammed. Frasier?

Diane:
Sam, open the door.

[Fraiser offers Sam a cigar]

Frasier:
Macanudo?

Sam:
Don't mind if I do, thank you.

Frasier:
You know, I can't stand all this caterwauling, let's go upstairs. I've got all 13 episodes of I, Claudius on tape.

Sam:
Great, I love gladiator flicks.

[Simon enters the bar and spots Frasier]

Simon:
[sings] Three Little Maids from School are we.

Frasier:
[sings] Pert as a Schoolgirl well may be.

Both:
[sing] Filled to the brim with girlish glee, Three Little Maids from School.

Woody:
Sam should I call the police?

Frasier:
No need for alarm Woody, we were in the spring musical at Oxford together. It was The Mikado. Simon was Pitti-Sing and I was Yum-Yum.

Simon:
And a handsomer Yum-Yum I've never seen.

[Sam & Diane visit Dr Finch-Royce for the umpteenth time]

Diane:
Doctor, there's still one thing you haven't considered...

Simon:
[flustered] OK. Sam, Diane, you two are perfect together. I'm sorry I made a mistake before but you are the most perfectly matched couple ever. But, why am I telling this to you? Let's share it with the rest of the world. [shouts out the window] Hear this, world! The rest of you can stop getting married! It's been done to perfection! [gesturing to the furniture] Envy them, sofa, envy them, chair, for you shall never be as cozy as they for their union shall be an epoch-shattering success and I STAKE MY LIFE ON IT. Wait a moment, let me get this on record! [talks into his tape recorder] "I, Dr. Simon Finch-Royce, being of sound mind and body declare that Sam and Diane shall be happy together throughout all eternity and if I am wrong I promise I will take my own life in the most disgusting manner possible." Here, take the tape, NO, take the whole machine. It's my wedding gift to you. The most perfect couple since the DAWN of TIME.

Diane:
[turns to Sam, beaming] See?

Diane:
Oh Sam, it's never too early to start thinking of name for our children.

Sam:
It is if you're thinking about the name Emil.

Diane:
What's wrong with Emil?

Sam:
A meal is something you eat. It's not something you name your kid.

Sam:
The point is you've got to get to know each other better if you're going to take a big step like this. You gotta get past this early infatuation and get to the point where you're sick and tired of each other; then you're ready for marriage. Look at Diane and me, we waited five years to get married. If it were up to me we'd wait another five.

Diane:
Norman, may I talk to you for a minute?

Norm:
Yeah, sure. What's up?

Diane:
You make me sick. You're a quitter, Norman! No, you're worse than that, you're a non-starter. You don't even try. You sit around the bar all day, you sit around your house all day, you sit around here all day, you sit around life all day! How are you going to feel at the end of your life when you're lying-no, make that sitting, on your death bed and you realize the only thing you've done in your life was sit around, and watch people do things, make things out of their lives? Well, maybe you're right, Norman. Maybe you're not meant for success, maybe you're meant for exactly what you are-nothing.

Norm:
Diane, you have no right to say that to me.

Diane:
Oh, Norman, I only said those things because I care about you.

Norm:
You must care an awful lot about me.

Diane:
Yes, I do. We all do. We're your friends, Norman, and we're all tired of seeing you give up so easily.

Diane:
[After Thompkins steals Norm's proposal to the Board of Directors] Now now, Norman, you can't let this faze you, all right? You have to keep pushing. I know that this idea didn't succeed, but others will.

Norm:
No no, Diane. Look, a few minutes ago, I almost made the biggest mistake of my professional life and it was because I was doing something that just wasn't me. I am not a go-getter, I've never been a go-getter, what's more, I don't even want to be a go-getter. I'm very happy right where I am. I'm so sick of all these people saying "Peterson, you gotta push", "You gotta get ahead", "You gotta make that goal". I don't even want to make the goal, Diane. I want to be a bench warmer. The world needs bench warmers. If there were no bench warmers, what would we have? Cold benches. A lot of cold benches and the world does not need that. You know something, I'm very happy with being an anonymous cog in this field of work.

Diane:
Norman, I've never seen you so impassioned like this before.

Norm:
That's because I believe in this, Diane. I'll tell you something else, Norm Peterson may be a motionless lump, but he's a damn good one.

Sam:
You're just in time to see our masterpiece.

Diane:
Should I alert Pauline Kael?

Sam:
Well if you want to but tell her to get her butt in gear. We're about to start.

Sam:
Hey Diane, shoot the damn film.

Diane:
Would you tell Fellini, shoot the damn film? Would you tell Antonioni, shoot the damn film? Would you tell Bergman, shoot the damn film?

Sam:
No, I'm telling you. Shoot the damn film.

Carla:
Better yet, shoot the damn Diane.

Sam:
That's it. We have always done things your way. I have bent over backwards to make you happy. I bought the ring you wanted. The china you wanted. The crystal you wanted. I even agreed to have a duvet cover on my bed. I don't know what a duvet is or what it's supposed to cover. When are we going to do something that I want to do?

Diane:
May I remind you we're going to Disney World for our honeymoon.

Sam:
Big deal. Who isn't?

Sam:
I'm not ready to own a home. You got to work up to that.

Norm:
Sammy's right. It's a big responsibility. You got lawns to mow. You got plumbing to fix, gutters to clean. Then every couple of years you've got to paint the entire thing from top to bottom. Honestly I don't know where Vera gets the energy.

Frasier:
Norm, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Norm:
Yeah, I guess I should, shouldn't I? Well thank God I'm not.

Sumner:
Excuse me, young man. I'm Dr. Sumner Sloane. I'm looking for Diane Chambers.

Woody:
Gee, I hope she's not sick.

Sumner:
No, I'm not a medical doctor. I'm in the literature department at Boston University where I occupy a chair.

Woody:
Hey don't worry about it. That's all I did in school too.

Sam:
Hey, have a good life.

Diane:
Have a good life?

Sam:
What?

Diane:
Well, that's something you say when somethings over. Sam, I'm going away for six months. That's all. So no more of this 'Have a good life' stuff.

Sam:
You never know. You could die, I could die, the world could end. One of us could bump our heads and wander the streets the rest of our lives with amnesia. Or maybe, one of us will decide we want something else.

Diane:
None of those things will happen. I'll be back here. I will. I'll see you in six months, OK?

[Diane exits Cheers]

Sam:
Have a good life....