Cheers, Season 6

Sam:
[about Diane] I was afraid I was going to walk in here today and see her face everywhere I looked. Instead what I saw was all these silly changes you made.

Rebecca:
I happen to think it's...

Sam:
No, no, it's good. It helped me. What I'm trying to say is this place is the closest thing I have close to a real home. I want to come back. Please.

Rebecca:
I'm very sorry, Mr. Malone. I wish I could help.

Rebecca:
[to Sam] Alright, I'll give you another chance. But I want to make something very clear - you've just got one chance left, and as far as I'm concerned, again, in baseball-ese: bottom of the 9th, you've got 2 outs, 2 strikes...and no balls.

Rebecca:
Well you used to be the boss. How did you feel when people lied to you?

Sam:
I had a rule, when anyone ever lied to me they had to go to bed with me.

Rebecca:
That's one way to make sure it won't happen again.

Sam:
What am I going to do about this?

Frasier:
Sam, may I suggest deception?

Cliff:
Well hold onto your horses there, Frasier. I mean as a psychiatrist isn't your job to seek and uphold the truth?

Frasier:
Get real, Cliff.

Eddie:
What is so bad? Twins means we're twice blessed.

Sam:
Yeah, I had twins once and it was the happiest day of my life.

Woody:
Hey Sam, what are you concocting there?

Sam:
You know how superstitious Carla and Eddie are, I thought I'd mix them up a batch of my good luck wedding punch. It never fails.

Woody:
Isn't that the same stuff you made when you were getting married to Miss Chambers?

Sam:
[pause] Woody, you want to flush this down the toilet?

Frasier:
Here's to the most beautiful woman in the world. [Lilith throws the glass of wine in his face] Let me guess, you read the letter.

Lilith (furious):
Yes, I read the letter, you licentious quack! And what facile tripe it is! "We both need time to grow, to develop as people!". Who is the slut!?

Frasier:
SHE'S NO SLUT! [quails slightly at Lilith's scowl] What slut? Well, I mean, look...it was all a mistake, it's just a big mistake...

Lilith:
Oh, you bet it is, mister! You want your freedom!? I'll give you freedom...FROM YOUR TEETH! [She picks up a dish and takes aim at Frasier]

Frasier:
NO, LILITH! Not the Royal Doulton!

Esther:
Oh look there's your favorite hiding place in the closet. You used to be in there for hours.

Cliff:
It's cause you always locked the door on me, Ma.

Esther:
Well look at the result. You're a very polite young man.

Sam:
How you been there, Frasier?

Frasier:
You know how it is for a psychiatrist this day in age. Divorces. Hopelessness over financial situations. Rampant paranoia. Thriving, never better.

Frasier:
[about Lillith] Oh God I'm losing her, Sam.

Sam:
Will you stop that? You're my friend, I'm never going to take a woman away from you.

Frasier:
What about Diane?

Sam:
And didn't God punish me with a vengeance?

Frasier:
Well, yes, but gee whiz.

Cliff:
You can call me a traditionalist, call me out of step with the times but I prefer to get my women the old-fashioned way.

Carla:
In a plain brown wrapper?

Carla:
Woody, you have been coming in here dressed in that ridiculous getup for three weeks now. When are you going to stop this nonsense.

Woody:
Carla, as an understudy I have to be dressed and ready to go on at a moments notice. Putting on makeup like this can take hours but I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Carla:
Why? Cause I'm not in the theater?

Woody:
No, because you don't wear makeup.

Frasier:
We had oodles of fun and we lost a combined 11 pounds to boot.

Cliff:
You lost weight on a cruise? I thought there were wall to wall meals?

Lilith:
There's also wall to wall waves.

Sam:
What's got you so upset?

Frasier:
Some college professor has just published an article that refutes everything I said in my last paper.

Cliff:
Sounds like a shoot out at the Cuckoo Corral.

Sam:
How's life treatin' ya?

Norm:
It's not Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.

Sam:
[to Rebecca] What do you say? Shall we strip down to our smiles and show the couch here a good time?

Cliff:
Oh, hey. Did you notice the pool on the way in?

Woody:
Yeah.

[Norm chuckles]

Cliff:
So when summer rolls around and all those girls are out there in their French-cut bikinis, I don't have to tell you where I'll be.

Norm:
Standing right here with a pair of binoculars?

Cliff:
That's right.

Carla:
[about Rebecca] Ah, well don't feel bad Sam. Just because everybody else got her something. The pretzel salesman, the beer distributor, the relief bartender, the guy she fired after one day.

Sam:
Yeah, yeah. Wait a minute though. All those guys were just trying to get her into the sack.

[Carla gives Sam a stare.]

Sam:
I've got some shopping to do!

Sam:
Hey Carla. I got a present for Rebecca.

Carla:
[noticing the woman with Sam] I see you picked up a little package for yourself, too.

Sam:
Hey, why not? I've been a good boy, and it's just what I asked for.

Sam:
What are you doing there?

Woody:
Miss Howe put moi in charge of refreshments for the book club.

Sam:
Yeah, but what are those?

Woody:
Finger sandwiches. You know, the part that takes the most time is getting that middle knuckle right.

Sam:
Woody, they don't actually have to look like fingers.

Woody:
Yeah right.

Cliff:
Hey Normy. You ever feel like we're getting in a rut here?

Norm:
What do you mean Cliff?

Cliff:
I mean we come in the same bar, sit in the same stools, drink beer night after night. I mean there's gotta be something more to life.

Norm:
Cliffie, for the last time, I am not changing bar stools with you.

Sam:
[about Rebecca] This is getting insulting. You know I don't think she respects us.

Woody:
What do you mean "us", Sam? You're the one who goofed up that champagne thing.

Sam:
Come on, man. We're a team.

Woody:
Is that the insulting part?

Rebecca:
Isn't it amazing how Carla's labor pains always seem to coincide with Celtic home games?

Cliff:
Pardon my appearance everybody.

Rebecca:
We always do. Sorry I was covering for Carla.

Rebecca:
Did you get a chance to see Carla's babies?

Sam:
They're two of the cutest little guys you've ever seen.

Rebecca:
Who do they look like, Carla or Eddie?

Woody:
Well they're twins, they kind of look like each other.

Woody:
How come you're not going with Ms. Howe?

Sam:
I thought I'd have fun instead.

Cliff:
Check out Mr. Evan Drake over there acting like he owns the place, huh. Thinks he's just some big shot corporate executive.

Frasier:
Well actually Cliff if it helps to alleviate this envy that seems to be eating you up right now studies have shown that rich people are 40 to 50% less happy than most of us.

Sam:
Oh come on. That's a crock.

Frasier:
Of course it is. But we have to cling to it, don't we?

Lilith:
I have a small favor to ask regarding our impending wedding. since all of my close friends will be out of town and we have had a previous conversation and our eyes have met on a number of occasions I was wondering if you'd consent to be my maid of honor.

Rebecca:
Oh I'm very flattered. I guess so. Sure Lila.

Lilith:
Lilith.

Rebecca:
Right right. I knew that.

Sam:
Around here when guys get together to send another guy off to his doom, things can get a little raunchy.

Woody:
You fellas ever dress up farm animals in women's clothing?

Sam:
No

Woody:
Then I'm one up on you.

Woody:
Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?

Norm:
A little early, isn't it, Woody?

Woody:
For a beer?

Norm:
No, for stupid questions.

Frasier:
You know as my old professor used to say, "If you can't laugh at your patients, what fun are they?"

Rebecca:
Sam, he (the critique) wants me to compromise myself

Sam:
Honey,we all do.

Carla:
I am not gona wind up in your office,strapped to some tables with some electricity shots going through my head.

Frasier:
Carla, thats not part of the therapy.

Carla:
Oh yeah? What about Diane?

Frasier:
Now look, I never treated Diane with any kind of shocks(to Sam) of course now I wish I had.

Drake:
I'll be straight with you, Sam. Sure, we originally hired you to pitch for the softball team. But actually you turned out to be somewhat of a surprise.

Sam:
Oh?

Drake:
Yeah, yeah. You're a much better hitter than we anticipated.

Rebecca:
[Sarcastic] Rah, rah, rah.

Sam:
Hey, you know, I never knew that you were a cheerleader. Although I've always admired your pom poms.

[After Rebecca says Cheer's is in danger of shutting down due to costs.]

Norm:
Well, maybe it isn't exactly my place to say this. But, Cheers means about as much to me as much as anyone here. This is pretty bad news. I'd say bad news like this deserves a sympathy round of drinks on the house.

Norm:
Senior bartender huh? Well, Woods, you know a little promotion like that kind of deserves a round of drinks on the house.

Woody:
Ah, gee, Mr. Peterson, I'd love to. I'm real sorry, but gosh I just don't think I'd better.

Norm:
Boy, give a guy a title and he turns into a fascist.

Cliff:
How's married life treatin' ya? Quite a change, huh?

Frasier:
Well you know Lilith and I did live together a year before we wed so other than the fact that I now see it stretching endlessly before me until I lie rotting in the grave, there's no real difference.

Carla:
For the first time in my life when morning comes around I want to open up my eyes instead of my wrists.

Eddie:
That's beautiful, honey.

Carla:
We've still got something that Gary can't take away.

Norm:
Our pride?

Carla:
Hell no. We never had that.

Carla:
I'd like to do something to Gary to make him really miserable.

Cliff:
Why don't you marry him?

Frasier:
To recap; sitting in the bar today we have among others a man who is actually simple enough to hypnotize himself. I'd like to offer the suggestion that we've seen it all. [Sam enters wearing a military uniform] Happily I stand corrected.

Frasier:
Explain this to me. If the winner is going to get a kiss from Rebecca, what does the loser get?

Cliff:
Well, um, A kiss from Norm!

Norm:
Then of course, there is no loser.

Sam:
Does anyone know how to drive a limo around here?

Woody:
Oh I've driven a tractor, it can't be that different.

Rebecca:
Excuse me Sam, I'm being beckoned.

Sam:
Listen, if this is what you think it is, can I give you some advice?

Rebecca:
What?

Sam:
If you're going to make an ass of yourself, take it outside.