Cheers, Season 9

Carla:
Wait a minute, Sammy. Look. Rebecca just said she was leaving here and never coming back.

Sam:
Yeah.

Carla:
Oh man, this is terrible.

Frasier:
What?

Carla:
Sammy finally struck out for real.

[Everyone in the bar mumbles]

Sam:
What are you talking about here?

Carla:
We all knew it was taking a long time but we thought that eventually you two would be doing the horizontal hokey pokey.

Norm:
I guess that's it, huh? Lower the flag.

Carla:
It's the end of an era.

Sam:
Yup, I guess that's it.

Rebecca:
This is about us.

Sam:
What about us?

Rebecca:
Sam, we have been friends too long to let it end this way. And I just came back to say that I'm sorry I ran out earlier in a huff. And that I knew you weren't coming on to me. And when you said I wasn't good that it wasn't just some trick to get me back into bed it was because you were being honest because I am a lousy lover.

Sam:
No, sweetheart you're not.

Rebecca:
Sam, it's alright. It's not like I haven't heard it before.

Sam:
You're a fantastic lover.

Rebecca:
I'm a dud and I know it. Robin just didn't realize it because he's English.

Sam:
Listen. I wouldn't say you were good if you weren't.

Rebecca:
No, no Sam that doesn't wash. You've been after me for three years and you finally got me. I mean if I was even adequate I know that you would've run out there and told every bozo in the bar.

Sam:
You don't think I was dying to do that? It was making me crazy. It's just that I thought I would be betraying our friendship. I've never had a friend before.

Rebecca:
You have lots of friends!

Sam:
No, no I've never had a friend before.

Gary:
Fine, eight years of humiliating you weenies is enough. I'm going to find a tougher gang to humiliate.

Woody:
You can look all over Boston, you won't find any weenies tougher than us.

Frasier:
I've just been feeling a bit edgy these days.

Woody:
Why's that Dr. Crane?

Frasier:
Lilith in her own compulsive little way made the mistake of asking me if I thought she looked fat.

Norm:
And what did you say?

Frasier:
I told her she looked just fine.

Norm:
Rookie mistake. So what kind of punishment are you getting?

Frasier:
I'm not getting any.

Norm:
Oh you got off easy.

Frasier:
No, I'm not getting any.

Norm:
No, you're getting off easy.

Rebecca:
It doesn't mean I will never see you guys. I can still come in as a customer. Of course with work and all I can't stay for 10 to 12 hours at a stretch like you guys.

Norm:
That's okay. You can be in the part timers club. They sit over there.

Cliff:
And when you're ready to commit you'll let us know.

Norm:
Yeah like Phil there. He's right on the verge.

Frasier:
I would like to nominate as the stupidest creature on earth: the one who awakens each day to drive through gridlocked traffic, to sit in a window less office breathing recirculated air, then returns home and collapses into a stupor, only to do the same damn thing all over again every day until he dies.

Norm:
Looking forward to that vacation, hey Frase?

Frasier:
You bet. We're going to Maui.

[Carla walks into the bar wearing a parka]

Sam:
What's with the getup?

Carla:
It's Indian Summer, Sam. I need these clothes for protection.

Sam:
Protection from what?

Carla:
The eyes of men.

Sam:
What are you talking about?

Carla:
Every time I've conceived a kid it's been during Indian Summer. It's when I'm at my most fertile, Sammy. I cannot let any man touch me, talk to me, or see me or I'll be shooting out kids like a Pez dispenser.

Carla:
When the mercury hits 95, I can't be responsible for my actions. Oh who is that hunk over there? In the uniform with the cute buns? [Cliff turns around] Oh my God, it's Clavin. This is worse than I thought. Has he always had that mustache?

Norm:
Your ma's in town?

Cliff:
Yup.

Norm:
Why don't you pick her up?

Cliff:
No, Normie that would set exactly the wrong tone for this visit. I know why she's here. She wants to move back in with me. But she can just forget it. I tell you. She's not going to be running my life like she did when I was in my mid-30s. No siree sir.

Woody:
I don't get it, Mr. Clavin. I thought you liked your ma a lot.

Norm:
A whole lot.

Frasier:
Too much to be healthy really.

Esther:
I can love you both for different reasons; Woody, I can love you because you're generous, kind, and strong, and Clifford, I can love you because I'm your biological mother and nature dictates there be a bond.

Woody:
How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?

Norm:
Pretty nervous if I was in the room.

Sam:
We're sorry man. We feel bad because we know how much the Hungry Heifer means to you.

Norm:
You don't know the half of it Sammy. I love the Heifer. I don't know what I'm gonna do without that place. It was like my home away from Cheers.

Lilith:
Do you make a drink for failures here at Cheers?

Sam:
Hold on a second. Phil, what do you drink?

Phil:
A Manhattan.

Sam:
Manhattan.

Cliff:
As a rule your psycho killers don't have families. They're loners. They may have jobs. They're good to their mothers. By and large they sit alone at night in a dark room writing their depraved thoughts in a diary.

Norm:
Cliffie, you keep a diary, don't you?

Cliff:
I keep a journal, Norm. A journal.

Woody:
But so help me God, if a man with a thumb answers...Hold on. It's him. It's the thumb guy and you know what that pervert said? "Allo." What's that in English?

Norm:
I took French in high school. Allo. Allo means..."I've got your girlfriend in my arms, and soon we'll be naked, you stupid cuckold."

Cliff:
That's funny, Norm, because I thought it meant..."I got your girlfriend in my arms, and we're already naked, you stupid cuckold."

Frasier:
Stop heckling the poor lad. Woody, it simply means...that "I enjoyed your girlfriend."

Carla:
Have you ever seen so many yuppies with gold cards?

Rebecca:
John Allen Hill worked his magic, and we reap the benefits.

Carla:
I love these charge slips. Look here. They put down a five for a tip. All I have to do is stick a one in front of it and I got 15.

Cliff:
No, kale's more of a family of greens. Anything with a pungent aroma and a loose head can be called kale.

Carla:
Get you another beer, kale?

Woody:
It's just a small part in a commercial, but I don't know if I can pull it off.

Norm:
What do you play?

Woody:
A bartender.

Sam:
Woody, you are a bartender.

Woody:
But in this commercial, I have to serve drinks.

Sam:
Woody, you serve drinks all the time.

Woody:
But I have to talk and serve drinks.

Sam:
You talk and serve drinks everyday.

Woody:
Now you've made me nervous about working here.

Lilith:
Excuse me. I have to check my messages.

Carla:
You got one from Madame Tussaud. Get back to the museum.

Sam:
[Frasier] left here pretty angry. I keep calling the house. The machine keeps picking up.

Carla:
Oh, Lilith answers?

Sam:
I'm Sam Malone by the way.

Henri:
Oh! I've heard about you in France.

Sam:
Oh, you follow baseball?

Henri:
No. Stewardesses.

Sam:
How's your love life? I mean the physical part?

Woody:
I can't speak for Kelly but I'm looking forward to it.

Sam:
You're telling me that you and Kelly haven't slept together?

Woody:
Well, we did once when we went to see Old Gringo, but the whole row was snoring.

Sam:
Well, I think this may be your problem, Wood?

Woody:
I always figured we'd wait until after we were married. That's the way everybody in Hanover does it, except for that couple that teaches art at the high school.

Frasier:
Very often that's the best thing you can do when you're not getting along with a family member. Remove yourself entirely from them. Find some neutral place where you can take the time you need to be away from them.

Norm:
You really think so, Frase?

Frasier:
Well that's why we're all here, isn't it?

Frasier:
Carla, death is an earthly scientific passage predicted by either massive physical injury or progressive bodily deterioration. There is as little validity in a supposed death dream as there is in the cliched image of death itself as a grim bloodless ghoul who's bony finger reaches out to tap you on the shoulder when your number's up.

Lilith:
[taps Frasier's shoulder] Frasier, it's time to go.

Frasier:
[Screams] Don't do that, woman. Put on some blush.

Sam:
[Valerie's] really nice, isn't she Wood?

Woody:
She's really nice, sweet, warm, and wonderful. You know back in Hanover, me and my brother used to have a name for a girl like that.

Sam:
What was that?

Woody:
Mom. By the way, Sam, if I ever catch you anywhere near my mother you better pray God takes you before I do.

Carla:
Fools, non believers, can't you see what the evil [foosball table] has done? You're trapped. You're spending every minute of every day in this bar.

Cliff:
We always do that.

Carla:
Yeah, but now you're doing it standing up.

Norm:
That is kind of eerie.

Sam:
Are you drinking again?

Rebecca:
Certainly not. I never stopped.

Sam:
So you want to talk? Is this about getting married tomorrow? Are you getting cold feet?

Rebecca:
Certainly not. I am perfectly prepared to marry Robin and spend the rest of my life wth him. I'm just not particularly looking forward to it.

Sam:
You know I don't get that. All you've done the last two years is talk about getting married to this guy.

Rebecca:
Well I'll tell you. It is one thing to love somebody who's serving time for you. It's another thing serving time with them.

Lilith:
It's a dangerous combination: a karaoke machine and an obsessive personality whose parents used to play Broadway cast albums to drown out their lovemaking.

Sam:
Guys listen up for a second please. When Rebecca comes in she's probably not going to be feeling too good so just take it easy on her. All right?

Norm:
What's the problem, Sam?

Sam:
She called off the whole wedding.

Carla:
Get out.

Sam:
I went over there last night. She was a real mess. She was clear about one thing. She doesn't love [Robin] and there's no way she's gonna marry him.

[Rebecca enters wearing a wedding dress with a smile on her face]

Norm:
Yeah Sam, she's in agony.

Lilith:
Ordinarily Sam, people don't deal with depression by putting on a wedding dress and acting giddy.

Carla:
Except maybe Clavin.

Rebecca:
[from the back room] I need somebody to talk to. Anybody. I really need some help. [Paul walks back and comes right back out] Not Paul!

Paul:
I can't help somebody who doesn't want to be helped.

Sam:
Hey, any of you guys tried that new steakhouse on Commonwealth?

Norm:
No.

Sam:
It's great. Beautiful waitresses in tiny little wench outfits.

Norm:
Yeah, what did you have?

Sam:
Beautiful waitress in a tiny little wench outfit. I'm going back too.

Frasier:
Woody, I think it was a great sacrifice for you to give your clothes to Rebecca. It puts me in mind of another novel by my favorite British author. You know who I mean. I'll give you a hint, Charles...

Norm:
In Charge?

Frasier:
Are you people really this ignorant or do you do this just to torture me?

Norm:
Sometimes the two go hand in hand.

Woody:
I don't know, Dr. Crane. Haven't you ever thought that it's kind of tough on them - doing all that counseling stuff? I mean I was raised to believe that if you have a problem, you lock it away in a secret place. You keep it bottled up good and tight. And if it gets full in there, you just keep forcing the pain down and clamping it in.

Frasier:
Good advice, Woody. [to Norm] Tick... tick... tick.

Lilith:
Ah Frasier, here you are. Where are the dysfunctional men?

Carla:
Throw a rock.

Lilith:
I think your humor is expressive of a hidden hostility toward Rebecca. Or perhaps deep down you fear she really is capable of taking this bar from you.

Sam:
Put a suit on a woman and she thinks she's God.

Lilith:
Frasier, are you going to let him talk to me like this?

Frasier:
She's also this way when the suit comes off, Sam.

Carla:
Buy yourself a melon in case you misplace your head.

John Hill:
Tell me Carla, clinically speaking are you considered a dwarf or a midget?

Carla:
Say is that your head or is your neck blowing a bubble?

John Hill:
Somebody phone the authorities in Paris. The gargoyle has just fallen off Notre Dame and is now taking drink orders.

Carla:
You know two heads like that would make a perfectly good butt.

John Hill:
Shrike.

Carla:
Bullet head.

John Hill:
Slattern.

Carla:
Hatchet face.

John Hill:
Well must be off. Till next month then.

Carla:
He's good people.

John Hill:
My hat check girl is missing from her post. You haven't perchance seen her?

Sam:
What's that supposed to mean? Every time something goes wrong in your restaurant it's my fault. Like I'm the one who's supposed to keep track of your employees. You know that really ticks me off.

[A girl comes out of Sam's office]

Miss Kenderson:
Sam, I can't get the sofa bed to fold back up.

Henri:
Are you ready?

Woody:
Yeah I just shaved. How does my face look?

Henri:
As smooth as your girlfriend Kelly's bottom.

Woody:
Is that a joke?

Henri:
But of course it is. You have to shave much closer.

Rebecca:
[about the former pool room] It's a tearoom.

Sam:
Thanks for not making me guess.

Rebecca:
So what do you think?

Sam:
You want my honest first impression, my gut reaction?

Rebecca:
Yes, I do.

Sam:
I hate it. I hate it! I hate it!!

Rebecca:
I don't understand why nobody wants to come back to my beautiful tearoom.

Frasier:
Well Rebecca, a restaurant should be like a mistress. See one shouldn't feel she's over eager to please. It's far more enticing if you need her more than she needs you.

Lilith:
Who is this she you're talking about, Frasier?

Frasier:
Purely hypothetical.

Lilith:
It's a little strange for a happily married man to go prattling on about a mistress.

Frasier:
Oh come on, hon. Give me this one. You already heard me admit I was whipped in front of the boys.

Lilith:
That was good.

Norm:
I have a new industrial paint sprayer. It gets the job done in a couple of hours.

Cliff:
Very clever.

Norm:
It was invented by the Japanese so they could paint more efficiently, more quickly.

Frasier:
Whereas you will use it to drink more beers, watch more TV, and put off everything until the very last minute.

Norm:
Right. You see they're way ahead of us in technology but they don't have our creativity.

Cliff:
Well that Paul, is the history of Western Civilization in a nutshell. You were right to come to me.

Paul:
I didn't come to you, Cliff. I was waiting to use the phone.

Frasier:
Two grown men settling a rivalry by throwing a little white ball at a wooden stick. How pathetic. Now boxing, that's a man's sport. Punch a guy in the face and scramble his brains. That proves something.

Norm:
Fraze, you're really coming around buddy.

Frasier:
Thank you.

Carla:
Hey guys did I miss anything?

Norm:
Sam hasn't started yet. Where've you been?

Carla:
I've been visiting the other team. Ran into somebody I used to get hot and sweaty with.

Norm:
Who's that?

Carla:
The other team.

Sam:
What just happened here guys?

Norm:
Well you got shot down, Sam.

Sam:
You know you read about those things but you never think they're going to happen to you.

Sam:
Hey, this had been driving me crazy. I got to know something Paul.

Paul:
What Sam?

Sam:
I'll try to put this as delicately as I can because you're my friend and I like ya and I don't want to insult ya. Why would any girl be caught dead with you when she could be with me?

Paul:
You thought that would offend me?

Sam:
I'm serious. What did you do? Slip her a mickey or something?

Paul:
Well since you asked me so nicely Sam, I'll tell ya. Paula is what we like to refer to as a chubby chaser.

Sam:
You're kidding. You mean she like to go out with guys who are uh...

Paul:
Portly Sam. The word is portly.

Lilith:
I don't know how comfortable I feel with this setup. He's just a baby. He needs supervision.

Frasier:
Well Sam can take care of him.

Lilith:
I'm talking about Sam. You know how out of control he can get at times. What a mess he can make.

Frasier:
Sam can clean it up.

Lilith and Frasier:
I'm talking about Sam.

Frasier:
Darling, it will just be for a few hours.

Lilith:
All right but if anything goes wrong he could be scarred for life.

Frasier:
You mean Sam, right.

Lilith:
Yes and it's a threat.

Sam:
Say Carla, I'm babysitting tonight. You got any advice for me?

Carla:
Sure. Here's everything you need to know about babies. Remember you're the boss. Don't let them give you any lip. And if they start to act crabby stick a bottle in their mouth.

Sam:
Great, okay, good.

Kelly:
Okay I'm ready.

Carla:
Here's everything you need to know about customers. Remember you're the boss. Don't let them give you any lip. And if they start to act crabby, just stick a bottle in their mouths.

Frasier:
[about Frederick and Sam] Isn't it sweet? My son and babysitter passed out in a bar.

Sam:
Do you think guys have a biological clock? You know like they know it's time to have a kid.

Carla:
Oh yeah. Usually when they say, "Hey Carla, you want to go out tonight?"