Chuck, Season 1

Chuck:
[after the super secret computer was downloaded into his head] Did you spike the punch?

Morgan:
Something goes wrong, you blame me. After all these years, where's the trust? [pause] Yes, I did.

Morgan:
Stop the presses! Who is that!? Vicky Vale!

Chuck:
Vicky Vale, Vi- Vicky Vale, Vickity Vickity, Vicky Vale, Vi- Vicky Va...

[sees Sarah]

Sarah:
I hope I'm not interrupting.

Chuck:
Uh no, not at all. That's from-it's from Batman.

Sarah:
Because that makes it better?

Morgan:
Ahh, Hi. Hey, I'm Morgan. And this is, uh, this is Chuck.

Sarah:
Wow, I didn't think people still named their kids Chuck. Or, uh, Morgan, for that matter.

Chuck:
My parents were sadists, and carnival freaks found him in a dumpster.

Morgan:
But they raised me as one of their own.

Jeff:
What if you're the unwitting target of a ninja vendetta and he returns tonight to strangle you with his nunchuks?

Chuck:
...That's super, Jeff. Thanks for thinking outside the box on that one. And here I thought I couldn't get any more freaked out.

Sarah:
That's funny.

Chuck:
Well, I'm a funny guy.

Sarah:
Clearly! Which is good, because I am not funny.

Chuck:
Is that your big secret, by the way? 'Cause I've been sitting here trying to figure out what's wrong with you...

Sarah:
Oh, plenty...believe me.

Chuck:
I was thinking "either she's a cannibal, or she's really not that funny," and I was pulling for cannibal 'cause I'd never met one before...

Sarah:
Uh, not a cannibal, but I did just come out of a long relationship, so I may come with baggage.

Chuck:
Well, I could be your very own baggage handler.

Sarah:
Come any closer and I shoot!

Casey:
...You shoot him, I shoot you, I leave both your bodies here and go out for a late night snack. I'm thinking maybe pancakes.

General Beckman:
Our most valuable secrets have been sent to an idiot.

Director Graham:
At least they weren't sent to his friend.

Chuck:
[about Sarah meeting his family for the first time] Meeting the family's kind of a big step, if our relationship were remotely real.

Ellie:
How did you get in here?

Morgan:
Chuck's window or, as I like to call it, the "Morgan Door."

Chuck:
[to Sarah] Look, I'm not accusing you of anything...today. Yesterday yes, I may have laid it on a little thick with the accusing. But I'm really sorry about that. Instead of not trusting you I should have been thanking you for saving my life and protecting the country and for making really tasty gourmet wieners.

Casey:
This is how this is gonna work. I'm gonna go over there, rescue Sarah, capture Dr. Zarnow, shoot anybody who gets in my way. You, you're gonna stay here.

Chuck:
So in this plan I basically do nothing?

Casey:
Yup.

Chuck:
[dramatically] ...Let's do this.

Chuck:
I've got some bad news. Big Mike wants us to fix all of this junk in two days or he's going to give the assistant store manager position to Tang. I'm sorry guys. And Anna.

Anna:
"Guys" is fine; I don't mind.

Chuck:
No, it's not right. We need to come up with something non-gender specific. How do we feel about "team"?

Anna:
Fellow Nerd Herders?

Lester:
The Lesters?

Jeff:
Chuck's Stable of Hoes?

Chuck:
[regarding the pictures of dead people] Why are these people sleeping?

Casey:
They're not sleeping.

Sarah:
They were killed, Chuck, and we wanna know why.

Chuck:
[putting the pictures down] I have no idea.

Casey:
Well, look again.

Chuck:
I would rather not. It's kind of creepy.

Chuck:
My life took a little detour senior year when our old friend Bryce Larkin discovered stolen tests under my bed and was kind enough to alert administration.

Sarah:
Did you steal the tests?

Chuck:
I thought it was kind of implied that I'm a decent person!

Sarah:
Well, we all make mistakes.

Chuck:
And I've made plenty; that just wasn't one of them. But, hey, then Bryce sent me a whole database of government secrets that are now locked in my brain, keeping me in a constant state of fear, danger, and anxiety, sooo...I'd say we're even.

Morgan:
Because tonight Chuck Bartowski is boldly going where none of us have gone before...To have intercourse with a beautiful woman.

Anna:
Speak for yourself.

[Everyone stares at Anna]

La Ciudad:
I think your hand is supposed to be on my hip.

Chuck:
Right. Apparently I learned the girls' part of this dance. Would you mind leading?

Morgan:
Chuck, I know what a third wheel is. I know it's me. Give, give me a chance here, man. Let, let me be a fourth wheel. For once. Or maybe I can be any other even number.

Carina:
Now, see that man over there? Payman Alahi, his house, his party, his diamond...for now.

Chuck:
Are we-are you talking about Señor Wookiee over there?

Chuck:
I count six SVB54 explosion protected security cameras with infrared surveillance.

Sarah:
Did you have a flash?

Chuck:
No, they sell them at the Spy Shop in the Buy More plaza.

Chuck:
How am I supposed to know that Carina has a remote control jet ski? It's usually not an option in real life.

Sarah:
Stay in the car.

Chuck:
My four favorite words.

Morgan:
I'll let myself out.

Ellie:
...My four favorite words.

Chuck:
So listen, I've been thinking a lot about last night. And you know, you guys were talking about how this spy could be...valuable to us. So I was thinking what if we could convince her to, I don't know, like give up...some secret stuff or...

Sarah:
You mean defect?

Chuck:
Defect, yes! People do that kind of thing all the time, right? The Hunt for Red October...uh...White Nights. [after Casey stares blankly at him] White Nights? Gregory Hines...Baryshnikov...dancing their way to freedom?

Casey:
[sarcastically] Well, as long as you've done serious research on the subject. You get her to defect, I'll help rescuing her brother personally.

Sarah:
Why are you bringing this up?

Chuck:
Well, she sorta, uh, just...called me.

Casey:
She called you? Where?

Chuck:
At the Buy More. And I think she might been in the store too, because she knew my every move. She even knew that I had mustard on my tie.

Mei-Ling Cho:
[preparing to rescue Mei-Ling's brother] Good, every warm body helps.

Chuck:
I'm sorry, wha-me? No, no, no, no. Look as much as I wish that I could help you, I can't. I made plans with my sister. They are non-negotiable.

[everyone looks at him]

Chuck:
But of course, I know that you wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for me. I want to be with my sister and you obviously really want to be with your brother. We're like one big wacky transatlantic family.

[pause]

Chuck:
I owe you. I'm in.

Sarah:
Okay fine, but you don't leave the van under any circumstances.

Chuck:
I just need to be home by eight. If that's at all possible.

Ellie:
There's no need. I figured it out. I know.

Chuck:
You do?

Ellie:
You haven't had a girlfriend for a long time and you're in love.

Chuck:
Yeah. I am?

Ellie:
But lying to me? Missing our most important day like...like you're in high school? I mean do you even know that Morgan's about to be fired?

Chuck:
Ellie, I can't apologize enough. I...everything that you're saying is right. I guess that I'm just so, um, I'm so head over heals that I'm not thinking straight, you know?

Ellie:
Listen, I know that this is the first big thing to happen to you in while. And you feel like your life's not going anywhere, your job's not either, and you're not Superman out there saving the day. But you're a good person and you're a good brother and you're a good friend. Don't lose that.

Casey:
You! What do I have to do to get timely intel out of you, Bartowski?

Chuck:
Look, I briefed Sarah last night, alright?

Casey:
[sarcastically] Oh, I bet you did, slugger.

Chuck:
I thought we're all suppose to be part of the same team here, huh, Team Chuck?

Casey:
We are, but I'm starting to feel like the guy that always gets picked last, and I don't like feeling like Team Chuck's little fat kid!

Morgan:
What happened, Chuck? You used to be cool.

Chuck:
I used to be cool? When, when was that? When we were 13? Well, I hate to go changing on you, buddy, but if you hadn't noticed we are now, chronologically speaking, adults. So, unless you want to work retail for the rest of your life and, by the way, drag me down with you in the process, I would suggest that you grow up!

Laszlo:
[pointing a gun at Chuck] I was framed! Okay? You have to believe me, I am not murderer!

Chuck:
Okay! Okay! I believe you! But FYI, you're kinda acting like a murderer.

Awesome:
There comes a time in every man's life when he reaches, well, a crossroads. A time when he must ask himself, "Am I a tucker?"

Chuck:
Something came up.

Big Mike:
Is that something more important than being assistant manager? Is it more important than handing over your promotion to Tang? [He becomes distraught] Please, Chuck, is it more important than Big Mike's relaxation?!?

Chuck:
Look, Big Mike, there are just some things in life that are just more important than the Buy More.

Big Mike:
You mean like fishin' and danish?

Morgan:
Chuck, we have an emergency. We need to talk.

Chuck:
I'm on the phone.

Morgan:
Shh, not here, not here; there are spies at the Buy More.

Chuck:
[hangs up the phone] Spies, really?

Morgan:
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tang's minions, they're everywhere! He's like the dark Lord Sauron from Lord of the Rings. Only instead of the ring of power he's taken over control of the assistant manager-ship.

Chuck:
Yeah, from me, right thanks for the reminder.

Morgan:
You got it, man. Listen we need your help, Chuck.

Chuck:
Me, what am I suppose to do? I'm just...

Morgan:
One small hobbit? So thought Frodo Baggins, my friend; so thought Frodo Baggins!

Chuck:
I'm sorry, but was Harry wearing the new assistant manager polo shirt?

Morgan:
It's monogrammed.

Chuck:
He must be stopped.

Sarah:
It says here the crossbow is his weapon of choice.

Chuck:
Oh, what, slingshot's too ineffective?

Chuck:
No more Wednesday/Friday surf and turf?

Morgan:
Harry Tang is drunk with power!

Anna:
He could have an accident.

[everyone looks at her]

Anna:
I'm just sayin', I know a guy, very reasonable...His rates, I mean, not him.

Morgan:
Way to think outside of the box, Anna, me likey! What do you say Chuck?

Chuck:
Are you two crazy? What? No! I'm not gonna have a guy rubbed out just because he upsets our lunch routine!

. . .

Chuck:
You didn't offer to kill Harry for Anna did you?

Casey:
No. Why, you want me to kill him?

Chuck:
No! No, just curious...

Casey:
You sure it was Magnus you saw?

Chuck:
Gee, I don't know, Casey, how many psycho archers do you know?

Sarah:
Chuck's not wrong very often.

Casey:
But he's annoying all the time.

[Ellie barges into Chuck's bedroom, influenced by truth serum]

Ellie:
I have known him since the day he was born (obviously)!

[she sits on the bed between Chuck and Sarah]

Ellie:
When people asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up, he would always say the same thing..."big boy." How cute is that?

Chuck:
Ellie, you're killin' me here.

Ellie:
And now he is a big boy. And I can tell that he is, because he is with a big...[looks at Sarah's chest] BIG girl.

Awesome:
Sorry, guys. Don't mean to muck up your mojo. [to Chuck] I tried to stop her.

Chuck:
Is she drunk?

[Awesome shrugs, bewildered]

Ellie:
Chuck, you need a haircut. It's starting to make funny animal shapes.

Awesome:
Let's go, babe; these two need their privacy. Huh?

Ellie:
When you were seven, I told you that the burglar stole the money from your piggy bank? That was a lie, it was me. At the time I felt it was very important to have a New Kids fanny pack.

Sarah:
Ellie, are you okay? Have you done anything out of the ordinary?

Ellie:
...Words taste like peaches.

Sarah:
[about the antidote] Here!

Chuck:
No, no it's for Ellie.

Sarah:
No, I'm sorry, Chuck, there's no debate. It has to be you. You're the Intersect.

Chuck:
I won't take it knowing that Ellie will die without it; that both of you have been poisoned too!

Casey:
You're a good person, Chuck, and I respect that, but I have a job to do, so take it before I shove it down your throat!

Chuck:
Okay, okay. Fine, fine I'll do it.

Sarah:
Thank you.

Chuck I'll pretend to agree to take it and then I'll run like hell to my sister's room, and make her take it. Why did I just say that out loud?

Sarah:
It's the poison. It makes you tell the truth!

Casey:
You do that, I'll give chase, put a gun to your head, threaten to pull the trigger if you don't take it!

Chuck:
Would you really shoot me?

Casey:
No.

Chuck:
Yeah, don't waste a bullet, we're already dead!

Chuck:
You know, if I had a blog, this would be a really big day for me. Do my laundry. Check. Save my sister's life. Check. Save my own life. Final entry.

Sarah:
I am so sorry about all of this.

Chuck:
That's okay, it's okay. It's not ideal but I've lived a pretty good life. I mean, how many guys can say they landed a helicopter and saved the lives of innocent people?

Casey:
Courageous and honorable members of the United States military.

Chuck:
[to Sarah, under the influence of a truth serum] God you're so pretty! And Casey, your jaw was chiseled by Michelangelo himself.

Casey:
Thank you.

Sarah:
Look Chuck, I been thinking about our breakup and I'm not sure it's the best idea.

Chuck:
Miss me already, huh?

Sarah:
Well, you know, for the cover. It makes things easier.

Chuck:
Well I guess your job just got a little bit harder.

Sarah:
Look, I'm sorry you thought there was something between us. It's very common in these situations to perceive a connection that isn't there.

Chuck:
Of course I get it. It's the old story, you know, guy gets supercomputer in his brain, beautiful CIA agent is sent to protect him and then she tells him while under the spell of a truth serum she's not interested. I get it. But for me the emotional roller coaster is a little much so I think I would rather find something a little less common, like say I don't know, a real relationship.

Sarah:
Okay, Chuck if that's what you want then I'm going to have to sell it. [Sarah starts crying]

Chuck:
You okay? [Sarah leaves and is spotted by Jeff and Lester]

Jeff:
Heart breaker.

Lester:
Dream maker.

Jeff:
Love taker.

Lester:
Don't you mess around with Chuck.

Beckman:
I don't like the idea of this breakup at all. What the hell happened?

Casey:
She got dumped.

Sarah:
We decided that it would be best for Chuck to date a civilian. It will help secure his cover in the event that someone IDs me.

Casey:
Yeah, because she got dumped.

Chuck:
Is it me or does our government never want me to have sex again?

Chuck:
Morning handsome, nice work last night.

Casey:
Hey Loverboy! Hasn't that mirror suffered enough already?

Chuck:
I am in the bathroom! Okay? Is there nothing sacred to you people?

Casey:
Just the right to bear arms.

[Chuck and Sarah try to defuse the bomb]

Chuck:
Okay. Okay, Intersect: flash! Show me how to do this.

Sarah:
Did you flash?

Chuck:
No, nothing. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon baby, don't fail me now, c'mon.

Sarah:
Okay Chuck, that's enough. Run; I'm gonna try and stay and defuse it.

Chuck:
No, I'm not leaving you here.

Sarah:
Go, that is an order.

Chuck:
[Indignant] No.

[Sarah draws her pistol and aims it at Chuck]

Sarah:
I said go!

Chuck:
Oh, I see, so you're gonna shoot me to prevent me from being blown up; that's a great plan.

Sarah:
Why are you so stubborn?

Chuck:
Actually, I consider this a rare moment of courage. I don't know where it's coming from. I guess you just bring out the worst in me.

Sarah:
And you in me.

Chuck:
It was nice knowing ya.

[Sarah looks up at him desperately when the timer ticks below five seconds and impulsively kisses him. They both stop as they realize that the bomb had failed to detonate]

Sarah:
[out of breath] Well, the good news is we're alive...and the bad news is that this is kind of an uncomfortable moment right now.

Chuck:
This is completely comfortable on my end...just saying.

Casey:
[Bryce is using Chuck at a shield] I've got a shot.

Chuck:
No, you don't!

Casey:
You'll be fine.

Chuck:
No shooting, no shooting! I'm susceptible to bullets!

Bryce:
Hello, Chuck.

Chuck:
Sarah and Casey are right inside; one girlish scream from me and they go into combat mode!

Awesome:
So, Thanksgiving. We're all supposed to say what we're thankful for. I'm thankful for the most beautiful woman in the world, Ellie Bartowski.

Morgan:
Good call.

Anna:
Morgan.

Morgan:
Aww, right.

Ellie:
That's sweet, honey. I am thankful for my family and my friends.

Casey:
I pass.

Awesome:
Chuck.

Chuck:
I'm thankful that Bryce Larkin is dead. And is not currently in my bedroom making out with my new girlfriend.

Casey:
[gets the hint and leaves the table] Excuse me, please.

Morgan:
Wow, buddy, that was, um, really dark.

Awesome:
And specific.

Sarah:
[to Bryce] Why Chuck?

Chuck:
Yeah! Why Chuck?

Casey:
Well, should I pop some popcorn or beat the answer out of you?

Bryce:
No thanks, I'll talk.

Casey:
Darn.

Casey:
Decided to take up bird watching?

Chuck:
Just breathing in the view.

Casey:
Hmm.

Chuck:
I know that grunt. Yeah, that's the number 7, right? Skeptical with a side of cynicism.

Casey:
Just clearing my throat. Just couldn't help but notice Agent Walker's car isn't in her usual spot.

Chuck:
Oh, I didn't, uh...It's weird. I didn't notice, I didn't see that at all. Fine maybe I did. So? Have you talked to Sarah lately?

Casey:
Agent Walker and I don't do a lot of fraternizing off hours. Guess we'll just have to see.

Chuck:
See...See What? Why? See what?

Casey:
See if she's had enough of the good life with you. See if she's hightailed it to wherever your buddy Bryce is hiding himself.

Chuck:
Is that, uh, is that an option?

Casey:
Oh, Don't worry. I hear there's a great selection of new handlers in this year's CIA Christmas catalog.

Chuck:
Are there? Thanks a lot.

Morgan:
A relationship is built on trust, Chuck. Sex and trust. Am I right?

Chuck:
Yeah, yeah, two big prerequisites I guess.

Anna's Father:
So, Morgan, you work at Buy More.

Morgan:
Yes sir, that's correct. And Anna will tell you that I got the old nose to the grind stone. Not literally, of course, because that would hurt.

Anna's Father:
And is that where you see yourself in, say, five years?

Morgan:
That's a tough question. I can tell you where I don't want to see myself in five years. Prison. Or under house arrest. Doing anything that involves a lot of chopping. Deep knee bends. No nudity.

Casey:
Bang up job, Walker. Now I'm gonna give you one last chance to come clean. Did you or did you not compromise yourself and the Intersect?

Sarah:
Do you ever just want to have a normal life? Have a family? Children?

Casey:
The choice we made to protect something bigger than ourselves is the right choice. Hard as that is for you to remember sometimes.

Casey:
Chuck! Sarah!

Sarah:
Casey, What are you doing here?

Casey:
Someone needs to protect the Intersect.

Chuck:
Very thoughtful. Thank you very much, I guess.

Casey:
Plus, I didn't want to miss any gun play. Come on.

Casey:
Why's it so important to you Chuck? Why the hell do you care so much about me and Ilsa?

Chuck:
I don't...I don't know man, OK, I juse-I think it'd be nice to know that you had a life before...this. I just figure that if a guy like you can find love, no offense, Casey, then maybe there's hope for me too, maybe this spy business isn't as screwed up as I think it is.

Casey:
Hmmm.

Chuck:
Hmmm? That's, that's okay, you know what? If you want to go through life all emotionally constipated and alone then suit yourself. I'll let you go back to protecting the greater good you freaking robot!

Casey:
I met her in a flower market. In Rome. Ilsa was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

Chuck:
I knew it. IT'S ALIVE!

Ilsa:
My agency's tried everything to take him to trial, but his organization's air tight. Totally legit from the outside. The only way we could take him down was...

Casey:
By screwing it out of him? How, um...French.

Sarah:
Ellie are you sure you're okay?

Ellie:
It's just that, I have both feet in and Devon has only one foot in. So then, it's just me taking care of three feet and I want it to be us, you know, taking care of four feet. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Sarah:
Completely.

Ellie:
Of course you do, of course you do. I'm gonna go get us some more wine.

Casey:
Relax, I think I see a scenario where we both get out of here with acceptable losses.

Chuck:
What exactly is your version of acceptable?

Casey:
Breaks and punctures, possible loss of a limb, no major organ damage.

Chuck:
[knocks down a bad guy while tied to Casey's back] How do ya like me now suckah!

Casey:
[to Lester and Jeff] We could do this the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is I shove his foot up your ass.

Jeff:
What's the hard way?

Casey:
I use my foot!

Morgan:
This is just getting a little personal.

Casey:
Right, new tactic. You finish the story or I put your head through the wall.

Morgan:
Okay, someone wasn't hugged enough as a child.

Awesome:
Where are you, Chuck? I need the ring. This is not awesome!

Chuck:
Look, what if I surrender and you run. I mean I'm going into a cell anyway. What's the difference?

Sarah:
Torture.

Chuck:
Okay, no surrender.

Awesome:
Way to go Chuck, I always knew you could handle my family jewels.

Sarah:
Chuck, those pictures that you saw were encoded with secrets, government secrets. If you saw them, then you know them.

Chuck:
There were thousands of them.

Casey:
Wait a minute. You're telling me all of our secrets are in his head?

Sarah:
Chuck is the computer.