Clerks: The Animated Series, Season 1

Dante:
What were you thinking, Silas?

Silas:
I-I'm s-sorry, Mr. Dante, but they said you wouldn't care because your expectations for a fair deal have been dulled after years spent at this soul-crushing, less-than-minimum-wage hellhole.

Dante:
You got me there.

Leonardo Leonardo:
After years abroad and seeing all there is to see in New Jersey; schooled at Eton and Oxford, New Jersey; I am come to stay!

Random Person:
Don't you know?! He has returned!

Randal:
Uh, oh.... Jesus?

[After Leonardo has just unveiled the newly constructed Leonardo Tower]

Dante:
I find it hard to believe that no one noticed that either.

Jay:
It looks like a big bong!

[A small dog walks by]

Jay:
[pointing at the dog] Hey, that looks like a big bong, too!

Leonardo:
For too long, the miserable corner store has been a haven for ludicrous price gouging, and rude, poorly-trained clerks.

Dante:
You think he's talking about us?

Randal:
No.

Leonardo:
With names like 'Dante', and 'Handel'.

Randal:
Randal!

Leonardo:
Today marks the dawn of a new era. I give you, the people of Leonardo - the future!

[Pulls rope, unveiling another massive building]

[Crowd is silent, except for an isolated cough]

Leonardo:
...It's a new convenience store! Quick-ER Stop!...Eh? Yes?

[Crowd begins cheering]

Dante:
This doesn't bode well for us.

Randal:
Quicker Stop...I don't get it.

Jay:
Now that's the ugliest damn bong I've ever seen!

[Dante and Randal talking to Leonardo Leonardo regarding his newly built desk.]

Leonardo:
What do you think of my desk? I made it myself. And I have all these pieces left.

Dante:
It uh…looks great.

Randal:
It's a piece of crap. It looks like it was built by a Re-Re.

Dante:
What are you doing?!

Leonardo:
Ah hah! It does, doesn't it!

Dante:
I hope there are no hard feelings, sir.

Leonardo Leonardo:
Well played, clerks. I underestimated you once, but never again. I vow that my vengeance won't be swift or entertaining. I will draw it out over decades in such a subtle fashion that you'll have to wonder whether the misery in your life is either manifest or the machinations of Leonardo Leonardo or . . . a third thing. Good evening.

Jay:
Hi. I'm Jay.

Silent Bob:
and I'm Silent Bob.

Charles Barkley:
and I'm Charles Barkley.

Jay:
What the hell are you doin' here?

Randal:
Good morning.

Dante:
It's 11:59.

Randal:
Still technically the morning.

Locksmith:
He's got you there!

Jay:
If we had a lightsaber, I could voom-voom, snikt, snikt, snikt, woooaaa Jedi, slice up tubby here (gesturing to Silent Bob), crawl inside him and we could stay warm for the night.

[Dante and Randal are working in Ye Olde Quick Stoppe in England.]

Customer:
Pack of fags.

Randal:
You're a fag!

Customer:
It's a cigarette, mate.

Randal:
I'm not your mate, fag!

[Randal jumps over counter and tackles the customer.]

Dante:
It wasn't until years later that we found out what "fag" really means. Right, mate?

Randal:
You're a fag!

Dante:
N-no, it's a cigarette!

Randal:
You're a cigarette!

Jay:
I remember when we were by this metal thing with a knob...

[Jay and Bob unlock door and jump into freezer]

Jay:
Snooch to the nooch!

Dante:
Of course we remember that, that was five minutes ago.

Jay:
Like Deja-frickin'-vu.

Dante:
Well, that was pointless.

Jay:
Yeah.

Girl:
Oh my god! It's Jay and Silly Bob!

Silent Bob:
That's Silent Bob.

Boy:
And NBA great Charles Barkley!

Charles Barkley:
Hi, kids!

Jay:
I thought we told you to get outta here!

Randal:
Look how scared he is. He's shaking.

Dante:
No, he's masturbating.

Randal:
Yeah, but it's out of fear.

(The Chief of Police, dressed as the McDonald's character Officer Big Mac, is holding a press conference about the deadly Mutaba Virus)

Male Citizen:
Will this administration ever bring the Hamburglar to justice?

Chief of Police:
No!... Yes... Look, does anyone have a question about the deadly virus that could kill us all?

Male Reporter:
Could the virus kill the Grimace?

Chief of Police:
Nothing can kill the Grimace.

Narrator:
Owing to the recent lawsuit by Dustin Hoffman over alleged unofficial use of his likeness, the part of Dustin Hoffman in Randal's mental calculations will be played by... Al Pacino!

Randal:
Oh my God, it's happening! Just like in that (AL PACINO) movie!

Major Baklava:
Follow me to the Command Center.

Dante:
This is just a coffee machine.

Major Baklava:
(annoyed) Welcome to the Command Center!.

Major Baklava:
Okay then. Other than watching you die, there's really nothing else we can do here.

Dante:
No, I know there's no virus, because you think there is. Name me one time you've been right about anything.

Randall:
What about that time I said "there's two great jobs down at the Block of Stores? Excellent pay, huge opportunities for advancement, we'll do it for six months and then move on"? [Realizes] Oh, my God! You're right, I'm always wrong!

Stealth Bomber Pilot:
Now hold on a second there, Dante. Sometimes, it's hard not to be gay.

[After Dante has saved the town by reluctantly (and fraudulently) admitting that he's gay]

Major Baklava:
Way to go, you beautiful gay bastard!

[After he and Jay both beat Charles Barkley senseless]

Silent Bob:
WE do the "Science Sez" segments. GOT IT?

Randal:
Show us on the doll where they touched you!

Dante:
Nobody touched me.

Randal:
Who was it? There's no hiding from your past! Who touched you?

Dante:
I hate you.

[Randal addresses an all African-American jury of professional basketball players.]

Randal:
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Dante Hicks is just like you: he looooves Grape Soda. He knows what it's like when the guy behind the counter won't take your "food stamps." He knows what it's like to wait all month for your "welfare check."

[Randal calls Dante at 7:
59 to tell him he can take care of the Quick Stop by himself.]

Dante:
[sleepily] Just call if you need anything.

Randal:
[on the phone] Oh, like that'll happen.

[Dante hangs up the phone the clock turns to 8:
00. The phone rings. Dante Picks up the phone and hears glass breaking and screaming.]

Dante:
Hello?!

Randal:
Umm...hello.

Dante:
What's all that racket?!

Randal:
That's..the..TV.

Angry Guy on phone:
I'm gonna burn this place to the ground and pee pee on the ashes!!

Dante[Panicky]:
Oh my God, who's that?!

Randal:
That...that's Regis.

Angry Guy:
Who are you talking to, BOY?!! [more glass breaking] Answer me!!!

Angry Guy 2:
Maybe he'll answer to this!

[chainsaw revs up and more screaming is heard]

Dante:
Randal!

Randal:
Maybe you better get down here.

[Dante and Leonardo wobble through the school trophy hallway, drunk.]

Dante:
Stupid reunion.

Leonardo:
Yeah, stupid.

Dante:
Look at that trophy. I never won a trophy! And now they don't even remember me! I was the manager!

Leonardo:
I was the manager of...

Dante:
Stupid team. I'd like to take this trophy and go baseball... Good night.

[Dante passes out and Leonardo follows.]

Captain:
I don't see any manager.

Dante:
See? I'm right there, that's my arm. They cropped me out.

Captain:
Right.

Dante:
What about this picture? It proves I was the team manager.

Captain:
Yearbook photos are pretty easy to fake. See?

Captain:
All right! Anyone who was ever remotely connected to the baseball team, there's gonna be a private party in my van. BYOB. But first, let's beat this guy up again for trying to be like us even though he's still different.

Randal:
Those rides are put together by junkies and alcholics.

Dante:
No they're not.

Alcoholic:
Do you guys sell Elmer's Glue and thumbtacks? We're trying to put together a Tilt-A-Whirl.

Junkie:
Do you guys sell black tar heroin?

Dante:
No, and no.

Alcoholic:
Well, rubber bands it is.

Dante:
I've gotta try Caitlin again. She's gonna think I stood her up!

Randal:
Ah, the old "stand 'em up and make 'em think you couldn't care less about 'em". Randal's first rule of dating etiquette.

Dante:
You haven't had a date in two years!

Randal:
Randal's second rule of dating etiquette.

Dante:
What?! Caitlin has a kissing booth? Like for charity?

Jay:
Yeah, only it don't cost nothin', and it's not for charity.

[Jay leaves, and comes back in a short time later.]

Jay:
And there's no booth.

[Jay leaves and comes back again.]

Jay:
And it's more than just kissing.

[Jay leaves and comes back again.]

Jay:
And you don't have to be a guy.

[Jay leaves and comes back again.]

Jay:
Dude, she's cheating on you.

Jay:
No time, man. Me and Silent Bob have an appointment at the gorilla cage. We've come to the conclusion that we need more gorillas in our empty lives.

Dante:
I told you hating the Golden Girls would result in something like this!

Randal:
I regret nothing! Sic semper, Bea Arthur.

Randal:
Uh, hi. This is USA Today. We're polling Americans on their spelling acumen for one of those cool color graphs we do. Could you please spell the phrase "I cup"?

President Clinton:
I, I don't understand.

Randal:
What's to understand? Just spell, "I cup,".

President Clinton:
I don't get it.

Randal:
Man, I-C-U-P, get it? (I see you pee.)

[Cut to Air Force One's bathroom; President Clinton is on the toilet]

President Clinton:
Y-you do?

Randal:
What? Sure, whatever. Bye.