Community, Season 5

Jeff:
Look, I might be broke, desperate, and nearly homeless, but I still got one thing deep down inside that gives me power- [repo man takes his glass of scotch] That was it, that was all I had.

Alan:
[to Jeff] Because the next bone you get thrown might be through a dude's zipper in the warehouse district, and I can't guarantee you it'll be from me.

Abed:
But is he good or is he bad? Every actor is something. Robert Downey Jr.? Good. Jim Belushi? Bad. Jean-Claude Van Damme? The good kind of bad. Johnny Depp? The bad kind of good. There's a spectrum, and Cage is on it. I just have to find him.

Jeff:
[after hearing that his Netflix account is getting used by his colleagues] Is that why my review of The Grey keeps changing?

Abed:
Yes, stop giving it four stars.

Jeff:
I like Liam Neeson.

Abed:
Then send him a message about the roles he chooses.

Mr. Stone:
Mr. Chang, state your name.

Chang:
[confidently] Benjamin Franklin Chang. Ready to deal out the truth. Nothing to hide. Let's do this.

Mr. Stone:
Have you ever masturbated in the study room?

[Chang silently takes off the polygraph equipment and leaves the study room]

[...]

[Later, Chang re-enters the study room]

Chang:
I didn't just masturbate in the study room. I masturbated everywhere. EVERYWHERE!

[The group and Mr. Stone stare at him in silent shock]

Chang:
Huh. Confession is good for the soul. You should try it sometime.

Britta:
Don't listen to me-or anyone. Just listen to yourself, and make sure you tell yourself the truth.

Buzz Hickey:
Mark Zuckerberg is Fidel Castro in flip-flops. Meowmeowbeenz is gonna make East Berlin look like Woodstock.

Dean Pelton:
Fives have lives, Fours have chores, Threes have fleas, Twos have blues, and Ones don't get a rhyme, because they're garbage!

Jeff:
There is still a Five hiding among us that has not been cleansed.

Britta:
Nonsense. All Fives were reduced to Oneness in The Great Purge of About Two Minutes Ago.

Jeff:
This Five cheats. It never registered. It was given a Five from outside the system. Behold the Meowmeowbeenz app. It's beta test ended days ago, it's now available in the App Store: 99 cents. Five stars. This Five lied to us, used us, judged us, yet exempts itself from judgement.

[assorted boos]

Jeff:
And I'm pretty sure it's selling our details to spammers because I'm getting a lot of email and trust me, my penis needs no enlargement.

Koogler:
So how do you cleanse a Five that has not been registered?

Jeff:
Delete it.

[Assembly delete their apps]

Jeff:
By the way guys, it's a Saturday, and you're all in school for nothing.

Dean Pelton:
Do you even have a career plan?

Koogler:
Yeah. Does getting laid count?

Dean Pelton:
No!

Dean Pelton:
Well I'm a peanut bar and I'm here to say Your checks will arrive on another day. Another day, another dime, another rhyme, another dollar. Another stuffed shirt with another white collar. Criminals, Wall Street takin' the pie, All the black man gets a plate of white lies! Prisons recruitin' and police be shootin', Rap artists lootin' and the labels are dilutin' and BARACK OBAMA IS SCARED OF ME! 'Cos I don't swallow knowledge and I spit it for free LET ME CLEAR MY THROAT, HAHAHA

[Drops microphone in horror]

Dean Pelton:
...I don't know what that was... I don't...

Annie:
Flip a coin?

Abed:
Coins create parallel timelines.

Annie:
Rock Paper Scissors?

Abed:
That's a nine-sided coin.

Buzz Hickey:
If I come over there, there's going to be two sounds: me hitting you twice.

Abed:
Who's got rope?

Buzz Hickey:
I'm offended by that question.

Abed:
A repiloting can be intense. New people show up, regulars shift roles or even fall away. Season 9 of Scrubs, Zach Braff was only in the first six episodes.

Troy:
Son of a bitch! After everything Scrubs did for him?

Annie:
Chang was faking his Changnesia?

Troy:
They seriously rehired a teacher they fired for trying to burn down the school?

Shirley:
After being rehired as a security guard after being fired for impersonating a teacher?

Abed:
That's insane, and I'm Abed.