Corner Gas, Season 3

Brent:
Hold my monkey.

Oscar:
You just bought ten thousand dollars worth of stocks in twenty seconds; Congratulations, you're the stupidest man in the world!

Hank:
Oh yeah? Let's see you do it faster!

Oscar:
Fast is not the point. You have to know what you're investing in. Study the numbers.

Lacey:
Hank your cousin just called he said eleven bucks.

Hank:
(laughs)

Oscar:
Gimme a thousand of this one uhh a thousand of this one uhh...uhh...and two thousand of these.

Brent:
Well why can't you do that yourself. Did some fictional hooligan steal your make believe ladder?

Oscar:
It's against the rules. We can each take ten grand, that's it. That's the rules. Without rules nothing makes sense.

Brent:
With rules this makes no sense.

Brent:
Wait a minute, this sounds like the perfect game to play somewhere else.

Hank:
I had a dream about your mom.

Brent:
You have five seconds to make my skin stop crawling.

Oscar:
Canada has more Ukranians than one other country, can you guess which one?

Emma:
The Ukraine?

Oscar:
Yeah, it's the Ukraine!

Brent:
Quitting coffee is hard; quittin' knittin' is easy...and fun to say. Quittin' knittin', quittin' knittin', quittin' knittin'...

Lacey:
Do you want some decaf?

Brent:
Decaf? The caf is what I need! The caf is the whole point of this. I'm not just jonesing for some hot brown liquid, with or without caf. I need the caf!

Lacey:
You need therapy.(puts a glass of milk on the counter)

Brent:
That's not caf, it's for a calf.

Wanda:
Hey, Lacey! I need your boards; I'm up to my armpits in bulletins!

Brent:
That's almost two feet of bulletins.

Hank:
Oscar. I think I just met The Littlest Hobo.

Oscar:
How tall was he. Did he ask you for money?

Hank:
No no no, from the tv show. You know Canada's lassie, there's a voice keeps on calling me.

Oscar:
A hobo is calling you?

Hank:
No hobo's the dog.

Oscar:
A dog is calling you?

Hank:
No the voice is calling the dog.

Oscar:
The dog hears voices!?

Hank:
Is Aruba near Cuba?

Lacey:
They don't arrange countries phonetically.

Hank:
It would be cool if they did, though. Then Canada would be next to...Granada.

Lacey:
It's Grenada.

Hank:
Yeah right! And we live in Ca-Nay-Da. So did he tell you where he was going next?

Lacey:
Yeah! Yeah, he just landed in Madrid, which is right next to, uh...Fadrid.

Hank:
Oh! Lucky skunk.

Lacey:
Hank, he's not lucky. He's delusional.

Wanda:
Dear Brent, I know you're on vacation, but if you get the chance; maybe in between your pedicure and your mud bath, you can fix the debit machine like you said you would. All the best, Wanda.

Brent:
Dear Wanda: you can do it. Sincerely, Brent.

Wanda:
Dear Brent, I don't have the pass codes to fix the machine, now do I? P.S.: Your shirt's ugly.

Hank:
Where's Incommunicado?

Wanda:
You're familiar with the island of Ignoramus?

Oscar:
Not now, I'm downloading a google.

Oscar:
That's probably because you hooked your hard drive in to the protocol, and using bits to spamming up the Internet

Wanda:
How are we ever going to tell when you actually do lose your mind?

Emma:
People who use these plates usually have something wrong with them, more wrong with them.

Oscar:
Who cares now we can park close to things.

Emma:
Where are we Manhattan? We always park close to things.

Oscar:
Gotta think ahead.

Emma:
Try thinking period.

Brent:
So what other cats are in this club?

Wanda:
Right now? Just me and Lacey.

Lacey:
We're training for the fun run.

Brent:
Geez, there's two words that don't belong together.

Hank:
To defeat a child, you gotta think like a child!

Brent:
You are uniquely qualified.

Brent:
(running from kids) I've had it with your stupid plans, Now it's time for my stupid plans.

Hank:
With your knowledge of city stuff, and my knowledge of non-city stuff, we know all stuff!

Lacey:
We know all stuff. Wow, that does sound tempting, but I'm not really drawn to a night of drinking beer and watching TV.

Hank:
Well, there are prizes.

Lacey:
What kind of prizes?

Hank:
Beer and a TV.

Lacey:
I feel like we don't connect…

Oscar:
That crazy old bird next door has trolls!

Emma:
What do you mean trolls?

Oscar:
There's trolls on her lawn, first it was that stupid flamingo and then the frog with the butterfly in its mouth!

Emma:
Oh the lawn ornaments. I thought you meant she was possessed or something.

Oscar:
They're all over the place! Swans and donkeys and castles and gnomes, and now trolls! it's like a stupid circus!

Emma:
Gnomes and trolls that'd be a good circus.

Oscar:
Why can't we have normal neighbours?

Emma:
Cuz you always frighten them away.

Oscar:
I'm gonna have to do something about this.

Emma:
Promise me it'll be something stupid

Oscar:
You sure told that wing nut a thing or two.

Emma:
I don't appreciate being called a thief.

Oscar:
She called me a thief too.

Emma:
You are a thief, if she just called you a thief, she and I would be having tea right now.

Oscar:
(Eating a sandwich when he notices the gnome on the table with a sandwich in front of it)

Emma:
(Comes into the room)Where did I leave my sandwich? Oh there it is.

Oscar:
That's your sandwich?

Emma:
Yeah, I left it there when I went to get my milk. You didn't think gnome Oscar made himself a sandwich, did you.

Oscar:
Don't be ridiculous, and don't call it gnome Oscar.

Oscar:
(Refering to the gnome)That thing can sleep down here I mean stay down here.

Emma:
I don't know why we can't hire somebody to fix the roof.

Oscar:
I can do it myself. It's just a roof, not rocket surgery.

Emma:
Well at least get somebody to help who knows what he's doing, instead of dorkus(refering to Davis)

Davis:
(Wearing kneepads on his hands)Hey these kneepads are like hats for little elves.

Emma:
When you fall off the roof, try not to land on anything important

Karen:
So how did Florence die, anyway?

Wanda:
Oh, uh, she died of a rare condition called, uh, almost 100.

Wanda:
Yeesh, would you call that tacky or icky.

Davis:
It's just plain ugly.

Lacey:
Mistletoe.

Brent:
Hey, is that fake or real? Cause if that's real, it's probably my mom's.

Lacey:
I better take it down.

Brent:
Here, I'll get that.

Lacey:
Are you sure?

Lacey:
Brent, be careful.

Brent:
I got it.

Emma:
Same damn thing every year.

Emma:
This one's broken.(refering to a toy that's in a community donation box)

Wanda:
Let's sing Christmas carols.

Lacey:
Who would give a broken toy to a needy child?

Karen:
You mean a cheap child.

Oscar:
It's one of those motor goats; his head's come off. (chuckles)

Wanda:
I think if you look in the neck hole, you'll see there's a twenty in there.

Wanda:
…(singing) Joy to the world, The Lord has come...

Brent:
(to Lacey) I can see what you mean about the weird stuff reminding you.

Lacey:
Hank was right, my newspaper was late this morning.

Brent:
Yeah, well, you can thank my dad. He's your eager 12-year-old.

Lacey:
Really? Ha! That is so sweet. Sweet and a little bit sad. Mostly sad.

Brent:
Yeah, we're all very proud.

Lacey:
Why should I pay you? These tips are for my service.

Man:
Can I get a coffee?

Lacey:
In a sec!

Wanda:
Come on! Betty or Veronica? Anyone can think of that.

Lacey:
This is what I'm saying.

Hank:
Yeah? Well, I don't need this! I quit!

Lacey:
You're quitting a job you never had.

Hank:
It's finally sinking in, isn't it? No more questions from me.

Lacey:
[to Wanda] Thanks for sticking up for me.

Wanda:
I got your back, sister! [they high-five]

Wanda:
I'm full of wit.

Lacey:
Rhymes with wit.

Hank:
All great artists overcome adversity.

Brent:
Actually most of 'em go nuts, lop off an ear or two.

Hank:
Lop off my ear!? Some help you are!

Davis:
Award of Excellence? They don't have that in the Olympics.

Oscar:
Oh believe me, I tried.

Hank:
If only we had some kind of bionic eye that made things bigger.

Hank:
(Adjusting the dials on the telescope that Brent's looking through)How's that?

Brent:
I can read the ingredients on the chips. Oh wait now it looks blurry. (image clears showing a scowling Wanda)Now it looks angry.

Wanda:
Wow, does that ever look like my telescope. Oh except this ones got two extra knobs.

Brent:
(Carrying Wanda's big telescope into his garage)Protected by my intense disinterest.

Emma:
That is a big jar.

Brent:
Yeah, it's hard to believe it was once filled with pickled eggs.

Brent:
Oh right. Like you two have never made a rash decision at a bulk food store.

Emma:
So how many are there?

Karen:
What? Jelly beans?

Emma:
No, jars.

Karen:
Well there's only one.

Brent:
Well you two are off to a good start, I'll let you count these beans.

Oscar:
A monkey could've suggested a better gift, not a deaf one either. Just any old monkey.

Wanda:
You people are obssessed with monkeys. A spa day is a great gift, a years supply of bananas that's the monkey gift.

Oscar:
You really dropped the ball on this one.

Wanda:
A old tire hanging from a rope that's a monkey gift. Spa day great gift.

Oscar:
Well Emma hated it!

Wanda:
I know.

Oscar:
You know nothing!(Calmly)So what do I get her?

Wanda:
That's it? That's the fight?