Cougar Town, Season 2

Jules:
[Angry] You based all of my treatment on your dog?

Glenn:
Ajam. [Jules is stressed]

Glenn:
Ok, I'm just gonna light a little sage in here 'cause, you know? It's very calming so let's all just [whistles]

Glenn:
calm.

Jules:
It's just... I can't believe you lied to me.

Glenn:
[Pointing at Jules, slightly angry] Hey, hey, hey, Jules! And yes, this is my steering voice.

Jules:
[Slighty intimidated] I don't like your steering voice.

Glenn:
All I ever do was used my personal experience [starts coughing because of the sage]

Glenn:
to help you. All right? I've never lied on this office. Ever. This is a sacred circle [keeps coughing]

Glenn:
of truth.

Jules:
Is it, Glenn?

Glenn:
What?

Jules:
Tell me. After we left, did you leave a note on that car?

Glenn:
Yes, I did.

Jules:
What did it say?

Glenn:
It said: Suck it! [Jules nods, having proved her point]

Glenn:
I'm not perfect, Jules.

Jules:
[Ironic] Really?

Glenn:
That's how we connect. We are kindred spirits. Last time you said that you felt guilty because you hang up on your dad. Last Christimas, I set my car on fire so my mother would think I was dead.

Jules:
Those aren't the same!

Glenn:
Bah, they're so close. But you know what? I'm done playing with your judgement games. I'm not gonna play. You're gonna have to find another therapist.

Jules:
YOU are firing ME?

Glenn:
Here's your information.

Ellie:
Oh! Stan walked!

Jules:
Now is not the time.

Ellie:
Right.

Jules:
I've been afraid of this moment for so long, but I know I raised such a great kid

Bobby:
We raised a good kid.

Travis:
You're kinda smothering me.

Jules:
With love. It doesn't count.

Jules:
Travis! You're mine today.

Travis:
This can't be good.

Grayson:
I'm not getting involved.

Jules:
You so are. You ate his lasagna last night.

Grayson:
I ate dead baby lasagna?

Laurie:
Okay I'm lost inside my brain again...

Ellie:
Oh jelly bean.

Laurie:
Drinking games! I love drinking games!

Ellie:
If we're gonna be sneaking around the neighborhood at night should my husband be dressed like a cat burglar ?

Jules:
This is our cul-de-sac damn it. Tonight we take back the sack! First order of business we need a new slogan.

Jules:
I love my security system. It's like I live in an antique store.

Laurie:
Hey hot flash, did you do that? (It says FAKE on her purse)

Ellie:
Yes, I did. See the reason why I buy expensive things is to belittle people who cant afford them.

Ellie:
Are you Cuban today?

Andy:
I will be if you like it.

Ellie:
Yeah I like it.

Jules:
Harsh. But, Ellie and I have a pact.

Ellie:
We tell each other the harsh truth no matter what.

Jules:
You guys know each other?

Grayson:
Yeah yeah we play roller hockey together. How do you two know each other.

Jules:
Grayson there's a thousand different ways that people know each other, but for some reason I can't think of any right now.

Grayson:
You two slept together?

Jules:
No...

Matt:
Yes.

Ellie':
I love pretending that I'm better than everybody else.

Travis:
Who do you think I got it from.

Ellie:
Awe.

Jules:
Hey JJ. That's your girl name.

Travis:
Of course.

Smith:
Wow! That was like riding a mechanic bull.

Laurie:
We should break up more often.

Jules:
Some of us over did it at the pre no more alimony party party, so I made these margaritas with crushed up aspirin.

Andy:
They should market this to drunks! Or us.

Jules:
Hi Barb, what are you a shredded wheat?

Barb:
Hah. No. I'm a haystack. Hey fellas, who wants to roll around in the hay!?

Chick:
Ding a ling a ling...

Jules:
That's my cue since I was four. I had to use both my hands.

Laurie:
Awe how cute.

Jules:
Ellie Torres, I'm fixing to get mad at you.

Ellie:
Really, are you fixing?

Jules:
Damn it.

Bobby:
You ever looked death in the eye, Trav?

Travis:
Well, now that that jar of gasoline has a flaming can of Sterno next to it, I'd have to say yes.

Travis:
So you poured this whole pitcher directly into your lungs? I mean, at some point you must have known you were drowning. Why didn't you stop?

Bobby:
Bobby Cobb never quits!

Travis:
Not even at killing himself?

Bobby:
Not even. That stupid college death pot!

Travis:
Still not a college thing.

Bobby:
Whatever, man. It's still the most dangerous thing on my boat.

Travis:
Really? I'm going to spin around and say the first thing I see. A loaded flare gun on a jar full of gasoline!"

Bobby:
Well that's for when the rats come!

Jules:
You told me before it started that Kevin Spacey was Keyser Söze and I was still surprised! Wait, was he Keyser Söze?

Ellie:
Yes!

Jules:
Alright, so the crippled guy was his evil twin?

Ellie:
No, same guy.

Jules:
Well let's just agree to disagree.

Bobby:
Hey College! I'm calling you College now because you go to college.

Travis:
Yeah, I pieced that together.

Andy:
Being good at sex isn't something you can learn, Travis. It's something you're born with. Luckily, I've got the gift.

Tom:
He really does. (Andy stares at him) My window faces your window.

Andy:
Go home, Tom.

Ellie:
Travis has hit that age where all girlfriends could be potential future daughters-in-law. And one will convince him to yank your feeding tube out.

Jules:
What are you trying to do to me?

Ellie:
I'm winding you up like a toy robot and letting you go!

Jules:
(About Travis's new girlfriend) So gang, what do we think of her?

Andy:
Do you think she wears a schoche too much makeup?

Laurie:
Impossible. There's no such thing.

Ellie:
You look like you poured your makeup on the floor, then rolled around in it.

Laurie:
Poppy, the transsexual at the makeup counter I frequent, would beg to differ.

Kirsten:
Plus, Travis scared me. He said you always embarrass him when he brings a girl home.

Jules:
Travis, I said I would never do that again.

Laurie:
(Popping up from behind a chair) Hi Kristen!

Kirsten:
What was that?

Jules:
What was what?

Travis:
It's starting again.

Grayson:
(Popping out from behind the cabinet) Hi, Kristen!

Bobby:
(Popping out from behind the couch) Hi, Kristen!

Andy:
(Popping out from inside a chair) Hi, Kristen!

Ellie:
Hey, Kristen.

Jules:
Okay everybody, big finish.

Everybody:
Hi, Kristen!

Kirsten:
(Singing) It's Kirsten, but you can call me whatever... why am I singing?

Laurie:
She's like a nervous little bird!

Bobby:
You guys can understand what I say, right?

Jules:
It should be me. I probably should've brought this up to you in our first through sixth year of marriage, but sometimes when you talk too quickly or too quietly, or when you talk at all-

Ellie:
Get to it! Bobby, we can't understand one word you say! Or as you would put it, we can't urbadurn your frazzle dazzle! (Everyone but Bobby laughs)

Bobby:
Ya'll think you're funnier than a barrel full of Foxworthys. But you're not. (Leaves)

Jules:
Does anyone know what he just said?

Grayson:
Nope.

Laurie:
Not a clue.

Ellie:
Frazzle dazzle.

Grayson:
Can I give you some constructive criticism?

Jules:
As long as you start with something nice!

Grayson:
You are a great gal. Smart, funny...

Jules:
I can swim real fast!

Grayson:
So fast! But your hugs are too intense. Now I love 'em, not really, but for people you're not sleeping with, you can't give them that stab-me-with-your-pelvic-bone hug.

Jules:
But people love them!

Grayson':
But people don't. Just dial it back a little. Say I'm a grocery boy who just carried your bags to your car. How do you thank me? (Jules hugs him) Whoa! See, that's a little much.

'Jules;:
Okay. (They start to kiss, Travis and Kevin come in)

Travis:
Aww!

Jules:
Happy Thanksgiving break, sweetie! (Hugs him) Great that you could join us, Kevin! (Gives Kevin a big hug)

Grayson:
Jules...

Jules:
I can't help it. It's like hugging a sofa!

Jules:
So you just brought me out here to make fun of me?

Grayson:
: No. I don't like sharing how I feel, especially in front of the peanut gallery. (Laurie, Ellie, and Travis wave) But I know it matters to you, so I invited them all here so they could hear me say this. You're an idiot. You're worried we're not alike enough to be together? One of my favorite things about us is how different we are. It's the couples that really work. (Points to Andy and Ellie) His favorite movie is Die Hard and she... is a horrible person.

Andy:
It's Love, Actually, actually. Ooh, sequel!

Grayson:
I've been scared to say this, but all those ways that you're different from me, that's why I love you. (Laurie and Ellie gasp) I love you, Jules. (They kiss)

Grayson:
It's a pet cemetery. There's the dove, the squirrel, and for the lizard, I just buried your whole shoe, it was really on there.

Laurie:
This is getting kind of creepy.

Ellie:
Like serial killer creepy.

Kirsten:
Are we at a dead lizard's funeral in your mom's yard?

Travis:
You brought this on.

Laurie:
Oh hey Rache, now bear with me, I have to order for everyone. Okay, I'll have one soy largey, one teeny tiny, one teeny teeny tiny unleaded, one Plain Jane, extra yum - what the hell make it a double yum - a Baby Joey, a Midnight with a Full Moon - hold the pumpkin, a medium coffee, I need a Heavy D in a travel mug please, two Crazy Ivans, a Sauron's Eye. Also I need a 'damn!' and an iced 'damn!,' a Sneaky Pete, a double drip with a snip of whip, and a frap cap heavy on the (makes crushing sound). Oh, and let's see what's fresh...okay, well I'll take three raisin happy muffins, a French mustache, and, ick, a fart muffin - that is not for me. Oh, and I forgot to order my own coffee! Can I get a Taye Diggs, which is black and extra strong and smooth but very sweet?