Coupling, Series Four

[Oliver approaches Susan who is holding a breast pump]

Oliver:
Is that yours?

Susan:
Yes.

Oliver:
Is it specially adapted for really tiny puppies?

Susan:
Piss off.

Oliver:
Craziness!

Sally:
Look, when I said have a baby... I didn't mean, I just meant... socially!

Patrick:
Socially?

Sally:
To tea.

Patrick:
Babies can't come round to tea, Sally. They're rubbish.

Susan:
Don't say that!

Steve:
Hormones!

Susan:
Bollocks!

Patrick:
Doesn't this all seem a little early?

Sally:
Of course it's early, it's far too early! I don't want a baby yet! You gotta get a cat first, see if you're maternal.

Steve:
You've already got a cat.

Sally:
Well, I'll shave it! See if I still like it!

Steve:
You went out and pulled a pregnant woman. What were you thinking?

Patrick:
Oh, you know, "there's a nice, compact pregnancy, let's take it out for a spin."

Sally:
She had a baby inside her, you insane filth!

Steve:
Jane, could you stop doing this? Could you stop just wandering through my front door? Because this is not, repeat not, an American sitcom!

Oliver:
Do you know how long it's been since I've had sex?

Patrick:
Two years.

Oliver:
[a little affronted] Seven months.

Steve:
Bed thieves are operating in your area. Secure all doors and windows and make a large pile of raggy dolls in the centre of your duvet.

[Steve, Patrick, and Oliver are at an ante-natal class]

Steve:
Right, the question of pain relief.

Patrick:
Yes

Oliver:
Absolutely.

Steve:
Sorted.

Oliver:
So how are we supposed to pad this out?

Steve:
[Looks over at Susan] I suppose we could discuss the diferent methods.

Patrick:
Drugs.

Oliver:
Yeah, drugs.

Steve:
Sorted.

Jane:
Actually I prefer videos.

Oliver:
What?

Jane:
I prefer porn in video form, it's more realistic. Do you have any of those?

Patrick:
Sometimes a man is faced with the right thing to do and the wrong thing to do. And he only misses by one.

Sally:
Did you sleep with Jane?

Patrick:
All right, before I say anything that might inadvertently seem to confirm or deny that fact, yes I did. [quickly realising what he has just said] Damn it!

Susan:
[trying to encourage Oliver to sleeping with Jane] Just look at her. She's a beautiful, sexy woman and she's never had an orgasm. Well there's your challenge, your Everest.

Steve:
What are you waiting for, Oliver? Mount Jane! [realises what he said] That wasn't actually meant to sound like instruction...

Sally:
[Singing] I'm Susan, the happy trotting elf! I trot and trot and bounce and bounce! I smile a lot and that's what counts! I'm Suuuusan! The happy, trotting, smile-a-lotting elf! I'm polite, so just for clarity, when I'm cross I say "apparent-LY!" I'm Suuuusan, the happy, trotting, smile-a-lotting--! [Falls off couch]

Susan:
[Folds arms]