Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 3

Jeff Greene:
So, I've given up red meat.

Larry David:
Really?

Jeff:
Yup, no more red meat for me.

Larry:
Good for you. How come you're doing that?

Jeff:
No reason.

Larry:
What do you mean "no reason"? You've gotta have a reason.

Jeff:
No, no reason. What do you care?

Larry:
Hey, schmuck-face, you can't just say you're giving up red meat, there has to be some motivation behind it.

Jeff:
No reason.

Homeowner:
Hey. Hey buddy, what's the deal?

Larry:
What are you talking about?

Homeowner:
Throw something in my garbage can?

Larry:
I threw garbage in your garbage can.

Homeowner:
Yeah, that's my garbage can.

Larry:
So?

Homeowner:
I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't do that.

Larry:
Doesn't garbage belong in a garbage can?

Homeowner:
My garbage belongs in my garbage can, your garbage belongs in your garbage can, OK?

Larry:
Well what's the difference?

Homeowner:
The difference?

Larry:
Yeah.

Homeowner:
It's mine.

Larry:
The can's not full, I don't get it.

Homeowner:
Next guy I see throwing garbage in there, I'm gonna kick his ass.

Larry:
I'll give that message to the next guy.

Homeowner:
You think I'm kiddin'?

Larry:
No, I believe you. I'm gonna tell the next guy.

Homeowner:
Yeah you do that.

Larry:
I once invested in a whorehouse. I made a fortune on that place.

Michael York:
Why are you a kebab-aphobe?

Larry:
I'm a little afraid of the stick, frankly.

Cheryl David:
I thought you didn't like talking to people?

Larry:
I don't like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with.

Larry:
You can't get sweet potatoes anywhere, have you noticed that?

Cheryl:
Everybody's noticed that.

Cheryl:
So Barbara says she's going to have that frame ready for us next week.

Larry:
Oh good, see, it paid for me to open my mouth.

Cheryl:
And your dentist called and wants us over for dinner Saturday.

Larry:
Dr. Blore?

Cheryl:
Yeah.

Larry:
Wants to have us for dinner?

Cheryl:
Yeah. I thought that you'd know what that meant.

Larry:
He's my dentist, why is he calling me for dinner?

Cheryl:
I don't know.

Larry:
What are we gonna talk about, my teeth?

Cheryl:
I don't know what to say, I thought you guys talked about it.

Larry:
No, I've never mentioned anything to him about getting together socially, I wouldn't mix social and professional, that's a terrible combination. Well, I'm just gonna tell him we're going out of town or something.

Cheryl:
OK.

Larry:
Because if we go over his house for dinner then we're gonna have to invite him someplace and if we don't invite him then he's gonna be offended, then the next time I go there there's gonna be tension, "I invited you, why didn't you invite me?" You know what I mean? We don't wanna get into that game. I'll need a new dentist soon, there's no question about it. That's the end of this dentist for all intents and purposes, I'm tellin'. ya, it's already ruined, the whole thing. Everybody's gotta get together, gotta get together, the whole world's gotta get together.

Burt Bondy:
Excuse me, I don't normally do this but I know you from somewhere and I just can't place it. Burt Bondy, I think I know you from the 12:15 spin class down at the gym.

Larry:
No, I've never taken a spin class, sorry.

Burt:
Oh, I'm sorry.

Larry:
OK.

Burt:
Are you a friend of Bill W's? In the program, AA, I think I know you from there, don't I?

Larry:
No, I wish you did, it sounds like a nice place to hang out.

Burt:
What is your name?

Larry:
Larry David.

Burt:
Larry David. Burt Bondy. I know you from the waiting room, at the dentist's office, Dr. Blore's, we have the same dentist.

Larry:
Oh OK, yeah. I don't actually go to him anymore.

Burt:
I still see him, if I run into him I'll tell him you said hello.

Larry:
You don't have to.

Burt:
You don't want me to say hello?

Larry:
Kind of a trite thing to say to somebody anyway, someone says hello, you know?

Burt:
Yeah, I hear what you're saying. Very high level.

Larry:
Yeah.

Burt:
I gotta get there, that's good.

Wanda:
Why'd you fire the black man?

Larry:
I fired the black man... because... he's the guy who set up the whole system here and it doesn't work! And he's here like... every week, I'm givin' him checks, we've got five remotes, I can't turn it on... but I know, you know, a black man can never do anything wrong, at least to get fired from a job! Black people always do everything right!

Wanda:
[walks over to TV, pushes button - the TV works] You gotta turn the damn satellite on for the TV to work! See the little green light? Just gotta turn it on! Or you can fire the black man. Whatever works for you.

Larry:
You know what? You gotta stop that grunting.

Cheryl:
What are you talking about?

Larry:
You grunt every shot. Every shot you hit you go "UHH! UHH!". You make this disgusting noise. You don't hear it?

Cheryl:
No.

Larry:
What do you mean "no"?

Cheryl:
That's how I play tennis. I didn't even know I was doing it.

Larry:
Well, you grunt every shot and it's really annoying, and it's throwing me off.

Cheryl:
Oh! Is that why you're losing?

Larry:
It sounds like pigs f***ing!

Larry:
Ya know, I really don't like not driving. You should've let me drive.

Cheryl:
It's my car.

Larry:
Well, on the way back, I'm gonna drive.

Cheryl:
Why?

Larry:
I don't feel I have a personality in this seat.

Cheryl:
Pfft.

Larry:
No, really. I feel very dull.

Cheryl:
Mm-hm.

Larry:
Do you want me to sing or do you want the uh, radio?

Cheryl:
I think I'd rather choose the radio.

Larry:
All right. [turns it on, cassette starts playing] What is this, a tape?

Cheryl:
Mm-hm.

Larry:
What are you doing with a tape? I thought you only...I thought you only buy CDs.

Cheryl:
Um, actually a friend loaned it to me.

Larry:
Who is this?

Cheryl:
It's Al Green.

Larry:
Who gave you this tape?

Cheryl:
Brad. It's good, isn't it?

Larry:
"You oughta to be with me"? Is that what he's saying?! "You oughta be with me"! That's what--that's what he's singing about?!

Cheryl:
What is wrong with you?

Larry:
What the--wait, Brad gives you a tape? An Al Green tape? "You oughta be with me"?

Larry:
F*** Huughhh! Huuuugghhh!

Martine:
I remember when I let you in, you said "If there's any problems, I'll take care of it." So here I am. I'm gonna have to hold you to that 'cuz I don't have another job.

Cheryl:
Oh no.

Martine:
So I am homeless except I don't stink.

Cheryl:
Ok.

Martine:
And I..um..your home is big.

Larry:
Oh its this guy he spotted me. Oh he's gonna want to do a stop and chat, don't...don't go.

Richard:
(looks at watch) Oh my god I got to uh.. I got alot of shopping to do.

Larry:
Oh what a f***.

Richard:
Have a blast.

Larry:
He's a bra-sniffing dog! He's a very good bra-sniffing dog!

Larry:
I love this dog, it's not very often you get the chance to be affectionate to something german.

Krazee-Eyez Killa (rapping):
So you think you gonna cross me, and mess with my shit? Opening your f***ing trap, and flapping your lip. Don't f*** with me nigga, or you gonna get dropped. I'll snap off your neck with a crackle and pop.

Larry:
Whoa, I like that Rice Krispies thing! ... Crackle and pop!

Larry:
I like it... I got one tiny little comment. I would lose the "motherf***er" at the end - 'cause you already said "f***" once. You don't need two f***s.

Krazee-Eyez Killa [Knocks Loudly]:

Cheryl:
"Uh, Who is it?"

Krazee-Eyez Killa Its Killa!

Krazee-Eyez Killa [showing Larry around]:
OK, you see this shit here? This is the dining room.

Larry:
This is where you eat.

Krazee-Eyez Killa:
Yeah, you do your dining in here and shit. You got a table, a dining room table ... you got some chairs and shit, you know what I mean? [...] That's the floor, you know what I mean? It's made out of, uh, you know, floor shit ... you know what I'm saying?

Larry:
Yeah, that's floor shit.

Krazee-Eyez Killa:
Steps - four of those motherf***ers. They wanted three, but I was like, four's better.

Larry (to Krazee-Eyez Killa):
Are you my Caucasian?

[the cook, with Tourette's Syndrome, yells out]FUCKHEAD SHITFACED COCKSUCKER ASSHOLE SON OF A BITCH!

[everyone in the restaurant is silent]

Larry:
[thinking back in his mind] Maybe someday I'll do something good for somebody like that. [yells out] SCUM SUCKING MOTHERFUCKING WHORE!

[everyone looks at Larry]

Jeff:
COCK, COCK! JIZZUM! GRANDMA! COCK!

Michael York:
BUM! FUCK! TURD! FART! CUNT! PISS! SHIT! BUGGER AND BALLS!

Manager:
DAMN IT! HELL! CRAP! SHIT!

Cheryl:
YOU GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING BITCH!

[Susie walks in]

Susie:
F*** you, you car wash cunt! I had a dental appointment!

[storms out]

Cheryl's dad:
Fellatio, cunnilingus , french kissing! Rim job!

Jeff's mom:
Crap, piss!

Chet's wife:
F***ing, f***ing f*** f***!

Larry's dad:
Schmuck, putz!

Richard Lewis:
Pussy, pig f***er!

Cheryl's sister:
Balls!

Jeff's dad:
Boy cock, Girl cock, E-I-E-I-O!

[entire restaurant erupts in laughter and profanity]

Susie:
You sick fuck, Larry David! What the FUCK do you think you're doing, getting my kid DRUNK?!