Dave the Barbarian

[Princess Candy has just been informed that a giant muffin is attacking the enchanted forest, and various characters are suggesting how to deal with it.]

Dave:
That'll never work. Does anyone have one of those yappy dogs? That might scare it away.

Dave:
[after accidentally throwing Lula into the air] WILD SWORD! HEADS UP! [Lula lands in the stump] My bad.

[Lula is Dave's enchanted talking sword]

Lula:
You know what would come in handy against a monster made of dough? Some sort of sharp implement. Oh, if only you had a sharp implement, David. If only-

Dave:
There's no need to be sarcastic. Time to cut a muffin!

Lula:
That sounds nasty for some reason.

Lula:
Somebody get me out of here! This stump's got worms in it!

Dave:
Stop! Don't spoonfeed that sprite another bite of regurgitated goose! Not until I floss his royal teeth. Say "Ahh" your majesty!

The Sprite of the Stump:
Okay, whichever one of you manages to slay the muffin monster, wins this: it's an immunity totem. Whoever wins it is excused from giving me my evening spongebath.

[The muffin monster's big brother is attacking Udrogoth Castle. He takes a tower and throws it.]

Fang:
Hey, he threw my room! All my dollies are in there!

[Dave, Candy, and Oswidge look at Fang]

Fang:
I mean, all my... Weapons.

[A tower falls in the middle of the Enchanted Forest.]

Oswidge:
Hey, he threw my room! All my dollies are in there!

[Dave, Candy, and Fang look at Oswidge]

Oswidge:
I mean, all my... Magic stuff?

[In the Great Indoor Marketplace Dave approaches a clerk at "Ye Sick People Shop" for advice.]

Sales Clerk:
Eh, I just do holes and leeches. If you want advice, I guess you could read one of those self-help scrolls... but they're all written by crackpots and weirdos.

Dave:
Crackpots and weirdos!? Count me in!

Dave:
At last! I know my purpose in life: to help people! And to do that, I must become... A psychofloobicologist!

Quozmir:
Who dares wake Quozmir, Udrogothian god of overused punctuation!? Whoever it is, he shall pay... um, or she.

[Psychofloobicologist Dave has just asked Quozmir why he must destroy the earth.]

Quozmir:
Why? You know, I never really thought about it before. Why must I destroy? Why do I feel such rage? Why do I persist in doing this atrocious combover, when I'm obviously balding. I mean, seriously, who am I fooling?

[Quozmir has just purchased two wheels of cheese at the Great Indoor Marketplace, in part of his flaming-loogie-spitting rampage]

Oswidge:
Not the Cheese!

Candy:
What's the big deal?

Oswidge:
Cheese produces phlegm.

Candy:
And?

Oswidge:
And if the cheese creates more phlegm, that means bigger flaming loogies!

Candy:
And?

Oswidge:
Look, I'm going to put this in terms you can understand: he could destroy all the shopping!

Candy:
[gasps] Not on my watch!

Candy:
Why are you stoping me, that' guy's a menace to shopping! Besides, if he ate all that cheese, it'd go straight to his hips.

Dave:
We will use the mightiest weapon in the psychofloobicologist's arsenal: Happycrafts!

[Candy attempts to calm Quozmir's rage by reuniting him with his mom]

Quozmir's mom:
Huh, he never calls, he never writes, I ask you: is this the way for a son to act?

Quozmir's mom:
Herbert, what do you say we destroy the northern half of the continent, huh?

Fang:
I love a happy ending!

Candy:
Happy ending? They're gonna destroy half a continent!

Fang:
Yeah, but not the half we live in.

Candy:
Good point.

Storyteller:
Dawn in Udrogoth: a time for all barbarian heroes, and their trusty dragons, to rise and begin their mighty action-packed adventures!

Dave:
What a lovely day to draw sap for pancake syrup!

Candy:
There's only one way to show true love: we must... [shouting] shop!

King Throktar:
Anyway, the reason we called is, we hid the Magical Grape of Bobo-Be-Dobo in Faffy's room, and we need you to send it to us or this giant ice monster's gonna freeze the entire world. Okay? Hello? You still there? Hello?

Bogmelon:
Lookin' for something, darlin'?

Dave:
I-

Bogmelon:
We got that. Whaddya want? Tooth extractor? Rump whistle? Spiked helmet? Spiked boots? Spiked toilet paper? Oh, I got just the thing: a diseased weasel!

Storyteller:
But while trying to feed Carl the nosegrub, Dave fails to notice the little weasel's eyes darting about. Seeking something. Seeking... the hiding place of the Magical Grape of Bobo-Be-Dobo! But to what end? Can there be more to Carl than meets the eye? [Carl farts.] Well, there certainly can't be less!

[Carl, the diseased weasel, reveals himself to be The Dark Lord Chuckles the Silly Piggy in disguise.]

Dave:
Bejabbers! It's... oh, what's your name? D-d-don't tell me. Does it start with a J?

Chuckles:
The Dark Lord Chuckles the Silly Piggy!

Dave:
I asked you not to tell me!

[The Dark Lord Chuckles swallows the Magical Grape, and transforms.]

Chuckles:
Ah-hahahaha! Fear the mighty, devastating, bloodthirsty... Kitten? Okay, this is really not what I had in mind.

Chuckles:
Ow! Quit it! That stings! Pathetic dragon, I'll defeat you with ease, and- [Faffy flies in to Chuckles' throat] Wow! That was even with more ease than I thought it'd be... with.

[Chuckles has been cooked and prepared to be eaten for Faffy.]

Chuckles:
I warn you: I'm very high in cholesterol!

[Faffy slobbers and drools at the sight.]

Dave:
Don't worry. Faffy won't really eat him. 'Tis but a merry jest! Good night, and drive safely!

Dave:
Look what I bought! It lets you listen to music wherever you go! They call it: a walkminstrel!

Walkminstrel:
[Singing badly] My love is like a red, red rose, but she doesn't smell as good...

Dave:
What is it!? A spider!? Is something burning!? Is it on me!? I don't see it! Is it invisible!? Are invisible spiders crawling on me and burning!?

[Lula reminisces about her first barbarian.]

Lula:
We were great together, like mayonnaise and... more mayonnaise... So I like mayonnaise, so what!?

[Lula speaks to Argon]

Argon:
You're that one... sword, right?

[In a flashback where Argon leaves Lula, Argon builds a snowman and uses Lula as the snowman's nose.]

Argon:
Woah, rockin' snowman!

Storyteller:
Yae, Lula's love still burns with the heat of one hundred suns, and Argon's love for Lula burns with the heat of... not... any... suns... at all.

[The cast tries to comfort Lula after she finds out Argon has a new sword]

Fang:
Ah, the guy's a weenie. You deserve better, Lula.

Candy:
Yeah, and I thought his new sword looked kinda cheap.

Dave:
Seriously, that tight scabbard left nothing to the imagination.

Candy:
This is my secret princess cute and fuzzy chamber of peace.

Candy:
Okay, so we'll skip to the girliest of girly things: manipulating boys. [Pulls out "Barbarian Teen Magazine"] In my hands, I hold the key to winning Argon's heart. An article in Barbarian Teen Magazine.

Lula:
"How to Bag Your Buff Barbarian Beef Boy". Classy.

[Argon comes to Castle Udrogoth to ask for Lula back.]

Lula:
Dave, here's my two weeks notice. I quit as of two weeks ago. See ya!

Storyteller:
Meanwhile, without his sword, Dave is feeling a bit naked.

Fang:
[Pulling a curtain that Dave is hiding behind] Dave, quit acting naked!

Enchanted toothbrush:
Arrr! I'm waging a war on cavities!

Enchanted toothbrush:
Don't forget to brush the tongue! Everybody forgets to brush the tongue!

[Dave, in disguise, delivers a fake sword to Argon]

Dave:
Special delivery for, um, Mr. Ageless.

Argon:
Who's it, like, from?

Dave:
[Voice cracking] The queen! Of... Queen... Land.

[Lula tries to get Argon to forget about the fake sword]

Argon:
Beat it you hunk of tin! I got a shiny, pointy, new sword!

Lula:
We've had a little fun with dental hygiene today, but it's no laughing matter.

Dave:
So be sure to brush and floss after every meal. Otherwise, evil tooth decay goblins will move into your mouth and play loud polka music day and night.

Lula:
Thanks for listening, and remember [shouting] stay in school!

Dave:
Um, excuse me. I ordered a book: "The Complete Poetic Works of Ped Xing?"

Elderly Clerk:
Ped Xing!? [Screams.] That's the worst stuff ever written! Thirty years ago, I read one of his poems, and I've been blind ever since.

Dave:
Well, I-I'm sorry you-

Numb Clerk:
And my left arm is completely numb.

Dave:
Well, I'm-

Elderly Clerk:
And I lost both my legs.

Dave:
[Looking under a table] Bu-but, you have legs.

Elderly Clerk:
Oh, I found them eventually. Down in the sofa cushions.

Elderly Clerk:
Ah! The book! The book! Heaven help us, the book! Yeah, I sold it two minutes ago.

[Princess Irmoplotz of Hyrogoth introduces herself to Dave]

Dave:
Hyrogoth, ye-ah, yeah. I-I hear Hyrogoth. It has a lot of, ah, Daisies. There. In... Hyrogoth. [Thinking to himself.] How could I say anything so stupid!? Say something smart! Something Smart! [Speaking to Irmoplotz again.] I'm allergic to daisies, I get this terrible oozing rash- Oop!

[Dave and Irmoplotz talk about macrame owls.]

Dave:
I call this one "Mr. Hooty!"

Irmoplotz:
And I call mine "Sir Hootsworth McHootington the Third!"

Dave:
Well, she's smart, and beautiful, and, uh, [chuckling] she says the funniest things, like, "I will conquer the world", and "Evil must triumph over good", you know, that kinda thing.

Dave:
Oh, I see. Just 'cause she has a diabolical laugh, and commands legions of horrible zombies, and has "Evil Princess" embroidered on all of her hankies, you assume she's evil. That's so shallow!

Lula:
I knew love was blind, but I didn't know it was stupid, too!

Narrator:
Later, in Irmoplotz's evil castle.

Zonthara:
Who is there?

Irmoplotz:
Irmoplotz.

Zonthara:
Irmoplotz who?

Irmoplotz:
Mom, enough with the knock-knock jokes already!

Zonthara:
What news did you bring for... ZONTHARA! EMPRESS OF EVIL!

Irmoplotz:
I had another relationship date with Dave.

Zonthara:
And have you told him that you are sworn to serve evil?!

Irmoplotz:
Well... Not exactly.

Zonthara:
PRINCESS IRMOPLOTZ! You can't base your relationship on dishonesty. If he really loves you, he'll love you for who you are, honey.

Irmoplotz:
I guess.

Zonthara:
And if he doesn't, you could always use your magic powers to make his head explode!

Irmoplotz:
Mother, stop trying to disintegrate my boyfriend!

Irmoplotz:
I do all the evil things: destroy civilizations, torment innocent people, return library books... late.

Irmoplotz:
Dating rule number one: never break up with an evil princess!

Uncle Oswidge:
Ugh... So many nutlogs... So little stomach.

Storyteller:
And so Princess Irmoplotz does send an army of indestructible filthy pixies to destroy Udrogoth.

Fang:
[Gasps] They're indestructible!

Storyteller:
Yes, I... Just said that.

Irmaplotz:
So Dave, if we cannot be together, you...will...pay! Mwahahahaha!!!

Dave:
[amused] You're mad at me, aren't you?

Storyteller:
And lo, the filthy pixies do rampage wildly through Udrogoth, destroying everything in their path, and getting nasty sticky little fingerprints all over the place!

Peasant Woman:
[looks at her apron] Darn it! That's gonna need dry cleaning!

Storyteller:
Thinking quickly, Dave constructs a homemade megaphone using only some string, a squirrel, and a megaphone.

Irmoplotz:
Sorry, I-I don't like to wear my glasses when I'm committing unspeakable acts of evil. They make me look bookish.

Dave:
I'm sure many of you are wondering why I tied a squirrel to a megaphone. Well, goodbye!

Storyteller:
Yes, Ned's depressing little life seems pointless, indeed. Until one fateful day, when a firey comet hits Ned's zipper! Seconds later, a secret experimental laser bombards the zipper with hyper-violet mercury rays! Then, it is doused with mysterious chemicals, stuck by the mystical powers of the Norse gods, bitten by a radioactive grasshopper, and taught the arcane apocolyptic of cloud men's mind by an inscrutable monk!

Ned:
Wow! That hardly Ever happens!

Storyteller:
The combination of these events transforms Ned's ordinary zipper into ... The Time Zipper!

Ned:
There won't even be "history" any more. It'll be... "Frischtory!"

[The Udrogothian family meets Ned Frischman]

Candy:
Just imagine, some day, humankind will wear its pants up that high.

Ned:
Behold! With the touch of a button, I open garage doors... Without leaving my car!

[Ned goes to the present day to buy "Game Guys" for the people of Udrogoth]

Numb Clerk:
Do you require assistance loading these into your tear in the space-time continuum?

Storyteller:
And lo, the people of Udrogoth are swiftly captivated by the Game Guy's hot colors, multilevel mode, and overall playability.

Sentry on the Left:
Hey, shouldn't we watching for invaders?

Sentry on the Right:
Soon as I get to level 6.

An Invading Warrior:
Hey, shouldn't we be invading?

Another Invading Warrior:
Soon as I get to level 6.

[Twinkle the Marvel Horse tries to convince Candy to let him play.]

Twinkle:
Shall I tell you of last night's dream? Dark forms came to me, whispering of unspeakable atrocities.

Storyteller:
Yes, to earn their batteries, the people of Udrogoth did labor mightily for Ned Frischman, constructing a sphinx of gold, Mount Frischmore, Big Ned's Putt-Putt Fun House, and the Great Pyramid... Of Ned.

Candy:
[Sitting on top of a block for the pyramid while others push.] Let me explain again: I am doing actual work! Me! I don't think you understand how completely and utterly wrong this is!

Storyteller:
But of all the tasks imposed on the people, the most difficult went to Dave: to create a sandwich in Ned's name!

Dave:
Hrm... mayonnaise or mustard? I know! A perfect blend of both. I'll call it: mayotard!

[Faffy, Lula, and Twinkle rise as "The Thumbless Few" to overthrow Ned]

Twinkle:
For years, they have mocked us. "Oh! Oh! Look at them! They have no thumbs! Let us taunt them!" But now, who's gonna save the kingdom's bacon, huh?

Ned's Guard:
Yes! Level 6! Oh, and, uh, halt.

[Ned steps on a pedal attached to the Great Pyramid of Ned, and the top opens up.]

Ned:
How's that for futuristic know-how, eh? Can any of the other pyramids do that? No, no, I don't think so!

[Lula's "trick" to getting to level 7]

Lula:
Go to level 6 and ask directions.

Ned:
One day I will return to the past, and my impact will be so great, the Barbarians will be called "Frischbarians!" Or, "barbariNeds!" Or maybe, "NedabariFrischians!"

Yar the Trainer:
Lay on this bench, and I drop this giant boulder on you. If you can move it, you'll be stronger!

Yar the Trainer:
You tie your calves into this machine, and this wild boar tries to tear them off. If you keep your legs, you'll be stronger!

Fang:
Make up your mind. Do you wanna be alive or in shape?

Yar the Trainer:
We throw you in a cage with a couple of abominable snowmen, and if you get out alive, you'll be stronger!

[Candy eats more than one piece of magic broccoli, making her more muscular.]

Fang:
Holy country-style potato salad, Candy, you're huge!

Candy:
You know, Candy don't sound tough enough. From now on, you call me... "The Can".

[After Candy shows off her strength by picking up an Ox and kicking it like a football.]

Biceptia:
Uhh, you win.

[Dave asks where Candy is.]

Fang:
Outside, wrestlin' trees!

[Fang tries to wrestle Candy.]

Candy:
Fang good necklace! Pretty!

Dave:
Stop it, Fang! Violence won't help- wow, you're right, she does make a good necklace.

Dave:
Candy, I'd like you to read this book on the Dangers of magic broccoli-

Candy:
No books! Books make The Can hurt in place where thinks come from!

Galder the Hot:
Hey, The Can? Remember we made a picnic date? I just... wanted to cancel that.

Candy:
Why hearty boy do this?

Galder the Hot:
'Cause the... the sun broke.

Storyteller:
Yea, our heroes do seek the Master of Evolution, going on a long and perilous journey, which is pretty stupid because the Master of Evolution lives right next door to them.

Lula:
Have no fear? I'm guessing you don't know Dave.

Master of Evolution:
You people have no idea how much work it is to evolve something, do you!? I spent a billion years just trying to get something with a spine!

[The Royal Family tries to educate Candy via a puppet show.]

Dave:
[High-pitched voice.] We're gonna sing about colors!

Dave and Fang:
[Singing.] Red and blue and yellow! Red and blue and yellow!

[The Master of Evolution refuses to evolve Candy's body after her family fails at evolving her mind.]

Candy:
What if I hang you from tree, and learn you new game called, "Piñata?"

[The Master of Evolution evolves Candy.]

The Master of Evolution:
Presto, evolve-o. [Snaps fingers.]

Oswidge:
And you've learned it's not what's on the outside that's beautiful, it's what's on the inside: your heart. And your liver, your gallbladder, and your spleen.

Storyteller:
When a tale is so great that it is passed down through the centuries, we call it, a legend. The story you are about to hear... Is not that great. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not a bad story, it has chickens in it, it's just not great.

[Candy is frusterated at how many presents Dave has received.]

Candy:
All wrong! World: upside-down! I'm the princess in this family, do you know how long it's been since I've got a gift basket? A gift certificate? A nice card!?

[Candy "calls" her mom and dad through a cauldron. They are chained to a wall.]

Glimia:
Well, when you fight evil, sometimes you're gonna get put in a fiendish deathtrap from which you have to heroically escape at the last instant.

Throktar:
Don't worry about your Rite of Pillage, son. Ransack a town, rob the peasants, then, bang! Home for cake. Easy-peasy.

Glimia:
Oops, the dungeon keeper's coming! Time for us to pull off our heroic escape and destroy the citadel!

Thronktar:
Toodle-bye!

Pillage Master:
Men know me as... The Pillage Master. But you may call me... Doria.

Dave:
Thats a pretty name.

[Dave trains for his Rite of Pillage.]

Dave:
[Clears throat.] I would like to formally apologise for all the trouble we barbarians have-

Fang:
No! Scare them, scream at them, run and yell! Run and yell!

Lula:
You're about as scary as a quart of non-fat milk!

Storyteller:
And the chickens do peck upon the head of Dave until the next sunrise and well into the afternoon.

Pillage Master:
Dave, it is now the sixteenth hour of the sixteenth day of the sixteenth month, of your sixteenth year!

Dave:
Sixteenth month? Has anyone checked this guy's math?

[The Pillage Master issues Dave an F on his battle cry.]

Oswidge:
Hark, the dread footfalls of family disgrace draw nigh.

Fang:
If that means Dave's a bonehead, I agree.

[The Pillage Master describes the "Laying Waste" test.]

Pillage Master:
You must lay waste here, [Dave begins chuckling] then you must lay waste over there. Then, when you feel you can no longer lay waste, you- all right, what is so funny!?

[Dave "ruins" some houses.]

Dave:
Look at that hideous paint job, the atrocious awnings, and the landscaping- ugh! From a design standpoint, those buildings are ruined beyond belief!

[For the Plundering Test, Dave rings a doorbell and asks if he can steal some jewels.]

Some Kid:
[Holding a microphone in a stand-up comedian role.] We're so poor, our bologna doesn't have a first name! Hello!? [Taps microphone.] Has this thing been invented yet? Come on, these are the jokes, people! We're so poor, we can't buy a vowel! So, two guys walk into a barbarian...

Pillage Master:
Oh, there must be something lower than F-minus. Z! Z! Z! Z! Z! Z! Z!

Candy:
Here's the plan: we changes our names, move to a distant island, and disguise ourselves as a family of travelling donkey polishers.

Fang:
Is this before or after we beat Dave to a pulp?

Fang:
Psych! No way man! Later we're gonna sneak up and skin you with a clam shell. [Family cracks knuckles]

Dave:
I like clams.

[Dave finds out about the final test in the Rite of Pillage.]

Dave:
Penmanship? [Singing.] Look out people, here I come!

Storyteller:
Mighty is his ink, and flawless his calligraphy! Ne'er has such a feat of penmanship been witnessed in the history of mankind! And his spelling is good, too.

[Fang questions why penmanship counts for 70% of Dave's final grade.]

Pillage Master:
I know, but the whole Rite of Pillage thing is sponsored by a pen company. D-minus!

[Candy gripes about ruling as a princess, and points oud that Dave wasn't given "the dumb job."]

Dave:
No. But if they had, I would bear the burden with grace, dignity, and style. Also, I'd redo the throne room in a polynesian motif.

[Dave's second proclamation as King.]

Dave:
Henceforth, every Saturday will be Udrogoth Spirit Day. All subjects will wear the kingdom's official colors: red, a slightly darker red, and another red a lot like the first one, but more sort of... salmony.

Dinky:
I hate your brother's stupid Spirit Day law. Red is so not my color. It makes me look slain.

[Dave proclaims that all cats in the kingdom must be shaved.]

Sentry on the Right:
It was going okay until I started shaving his belly.

Sentry on the Left:
Yeah, they look pretty cute 'til they get mad, huh?

Fang:
You've gotta stop passing all these stupid laws! Everybody's really mad at you! Especially the cats.

[A rock with a note tied to it breaks through a window. Dave catches and reads it.]

Dave:
It says, "Meow".

Fang:
And they mean it.

Dave:
I'll show them! Heads will roll! Excrutiating punishments will be enacted! Wedgies will be given!

[Dave orders all subjects to attend the opening day of his musical, "Oh, Pastry!"]

Sentry on the Left:
"Every subject must attend?" But if we go, the kingdom will be unguarded against invaders.

Sentry on the Right:
Nope. See, it says, "All invaders must attend as well".

Sentry on the Left:
Wow, the king thinks of everything.

[The intro to Dave's musical.]

Dave:
[Singing.] With all the suffering in the world... that makes us feel sad, or irate... One thing still fills us all with joy and starchy carbohydrates... Pastry, why the heck are you so tasty?

[Chuckles struggles getting the Enchanted Throne of Udrogoth to make him king.]

Chuckles:
Now make me king, or I'll reupholster you in a really ugly plad!

[Another scene in Dave's musical.]

Dave:
Alas, poor danish, what is thy filling? Well, who knows better than the danish prince!

Dave:
As the true King of Udrogoth, I order you to... Stop being mean!

Chuckles:
Okay, time for new laws! [Clears throat.] First, pickled pigs' feet do not belong in jars in delis, they belong on [Screaming] pigs' ankles!

Dave:
You call that a law?

Chuckles:
It beats shaving cats.

[Candy brings the citizens of Udrogoth to rescue David.]

Sentry on the Right:
We will defend to the death he who brought us Casual Dress Friday!

Proclaimer:
Even if he did make us watch that awful play!

Sentry on the Right:
You know, you don't have to yell like that. You're not making proclamations.

Proclaimer:
Yell like what?!

Storyteller:
Throughout history, there have been many great barbarian heroes: Kronkaz the Smasher, Mortaad the Ridiculer-

Mortaad:
Hey! Pizza face!

Storyteller:
Sheebor, the Stomper on Things Until They're Squished Into Mushy Paste-

Sheebor:
Ha! Are you paste yet?

Flat Ugly Monster:
Not... Quite.

Storyteller:
These mighty heroes have been honored in the most ancient and venerable of old art forms.

Fang:
One pack of Famous Barbarian Trading Cards, please. [Shouting.] Or I'll crush you like a grape!

Fang:
Now, I've got Strom's trading card, and action figure, and poster, and lunch box, and board game, complete table setting, snow globe, his official biography, his unofficial biography, his officially unofficial biography, and his new-and-improved super-deluxe monkey warmer!

Monkey [lying in a wooden hot tub with Strom's picture on it] Is it hot in here, or is it me?

Strom:
I'm here to slay the dragon, people! [Cow moos.] You know, big scaly monster? Fangs? Wings? Been terrorizing you for years?

[Ms. Bogmelon describes Faffy, Dave's dragon.]

Bogmelon:
It's more of a dumb, little, flyin' potato or somethin'.

[Candy teaches Faffy the martial art of "Tae Kwon Don't".]

Candy:
It's not as good for fighting as Tae Kwon Do, but it's great for firming the buttocks.

Fang:
Strom the Slayer has slain griffins, and basilisks, and manticores. He's slain so much stuff it's amazing anything's still alive! He is exactly what I want to be when I grow up.

Strom:
So, there's eight or ten girls back home, and then maybe... twenty or thirty on the road?

Candy:
So... you're saying you're single?

[Strom points out that the book Dave is holding is smoking.]

Dave:
Ye-e-es, yes, it's a filthy habit, but I can't get it to stop.

[Strom guesses Fang is a human (who is normally mistaken for a monkey)]

Fang:
[In awe.] He guessed my species...

[Strom takes out his axe to slay Faffy.]

Fang:
Oooh, the Legendary Golden Tri-Axe! And here comes his famous battle cry!

Strom:
[Screaming.] Valim-Valee!

Fang:
Okay, the battle cry isn't all that great. But the axe is cool!

Dave:
I'm highly allergic to being chopped up!

[Uncle Oswidge casts a magic spell, which is reflected back to him and Candy and turns them into centipedes.]

Candy:
Do you have any idea what this is gonna cost me in shoes?

Dave:
Could we move to another part of the castle? I'm running out of things to hide behind!

[Dave questions why Strom has stopped trying to slay him.]

Strom:
Obviously you've never touched a monkey. It's kind of addicting.

Storyteller:
And thus did Fang learn, that even the greatest hero can be a-

Fang:
Weenie.

[Dave looks at the new card added to the Famous Barbarian Trading Cards collection.]

Dave:
"Dave the Hider Behind Things"? Oh, that's not a flattering picture at all.

[Some bugs are telling scary stories about Fang, and are interrupted by Fang.]

Fang:
I squash you all!

[Dave reads a letter from his parents.]

Dave:
Dear kids, we're still busy fighting evil, but we'll be home soon. Your mother says the demon monkeys may attack but I don't think- egad, they're here. Ieee, argh, ow, ow, ow, ow, yargh, ock, ye, ye, ye, ye, ye, scree, erk. Love, mom and dad.

Dave:
We can teach Fang to be way, way, way more civilized with this: [holds up book.] A Young Lady's Guide to being Way, Way, Way More Civilized.

Candy:
What was I thinking? Making Fang civilized is hopeless!

Oswidge:
Yes, because we've been missing the key ingredient: bribery!

Storyteller:
Fizzberries: a treat so beloved by Fang, that she would chew off her own leg to get to them!

[Fang, after becoming civilized, decides to clothe all of the naked animals in Udrogoth.]

Fang:
It'll be even better once I get dresses on all these fish!

Fang:
Here, little ladybug. I made you a dress!

Ladybug:
Nice material! Is it chiffon?

[Fang has made a moat for Udrogoth Castle and turned it into a bug-feeding trough]

Dave:
They're in my pants!

Storyteller:
Bugle Beetles! These terrible insects are famous for their unstoppable wrath!

Dumb Beetle:
We're gonna smash things up good, huh? [Chuckles.]

Dumber Beetle:
We're gonna smash things up real good! [Laughs.]

Storyteller:
They're also famous for being about as smart as the stuff you scoop out of a pumpkin.

[The Royal Family sees the invading Bugle Beetle herd.]

Dave:
I'll go get bug spray. I think there's some in northern China!

[Osiwdge tries to defeat a Bugle Beetle with his magic.]

Oswidge:
Hold your horses, bigfella, I gotta check the owner's manual for this wand. Ah, here it is. Destroy: see obliterate. Obliterate: see Destroy. Dang it!

Candy:
It's my fault we're all... doomed and junk.

Fang:
Oh, dear! The killer insects are menacing my beloved family!

Dumb Beetle:
Is it just me, or does The Great Destructor seem smaller in person?

Dumber Beetle:
Maybe we's bigger in person.

Dave:
You want me to beat up your friend, Cheesette, because she gave you a fishclock?

Candy:
For my birthday! Can you imagine!? She knew I wanted a cute top to go with all the other cute things I have that make me look cute!

Dave:
Hey, why don't you just buy her something super nice, and make her feel really guilty?

Candy:
I like it! And it allows me to punish her by using my awesome shopping powers!

[Dave shows off his clockwork model of Udrogoth.]

Dave:
Yeah, but it's broken. It's supposed to fly around shooting out colored lights and playing, "I'm a Yankee Doodle Barbarian".

[Fang asks a Creepy Old Guy if he knows how to get to the Cliffs of Fabulous Shopping.]

Creepy Old Guy:
Aye, that I do. Ye must cross the Gorge of Agony, where a mighty beast awaits to tear ye limb from limb. From there, ye climb the Mountain of Thousand Screams, which nay a man has never faced and lived to tell the tale! Or ye could take the shuttle.

Dave:
Uh... Thanks.

[Upon arriving at a small village, Dave is quickly beaten up by guards.]

Oswidge:
I warned you. No one wants to hear poems about a fluffy throw pillow.

[Oswidge and Fang discuss what might be wrong with Dave.]

Oswidge:
On the other hand, Dave might simply be unhinged. In which case, all we have to do is restrain him in a pitch-black dungeon for countless years until he snaps out of it.

[Bogmelon demonstrates a Beaver Leg Shaving device to Candy.]

Bogmelon:
It also works on armpits!

Candy:
Twinkle, my flying steed! I'm sorry I haven't visited you for a while...

Twinkle:
I've been... So lonely, in here. Such terrible thoughts one has, alone, in the dark.

Candy:
Uh, like I said, I'm real sorry I haven't visited you for a while.

Twinkle:
It's not important! No one cares about me! They think to mock, and belittle Twinkle the Marvel Horse, do they? Well it is they, they, who will suffer!

Twinkle:
I had that... dream again. The one, where I do terrible things, to penguins, with a croquet mallet.

Oswidge:
Don't think I've forgotten the most important thing: there's still fudge on the agenda!

[Fang, Oswidge, and Clockwork Mecha-Dave go into Chuckles' evil lair.]

Chuckles:
Actually, it's the Evil Lair Boutique! I just work here part time to pick up extra money.

[Chuckles is interrupted by a customer.]

Shoppin' Gal:
Do you have Junior Ms. Body Armor?

Chuckles:
Aisle 6, by the accessory daggers.

Oswidge:
Let's get this over with so we can have fudge!

[Oswidge casts a magic spell and turns himself into a newt.]

Oswidge:
Note: In future, point magic wand away from self.

Dave:
It's a trick! I'm Dave! He's the fake, and I'll prove it! [On his knees.] Please don't hurt me, oh, please, please, please, please!

Mecha-Dave:
This proves nothing. [Also on his knees.] Please do not hurt me. For being hurt is unpleasant.

Oswidge:
Which is the true dave, and which the machine? No man can say.

Oswidge:
Normally, I wouldn't ask, but this is cutting into my fudge time!

[Chuckles is interrupted by the customer, again.]

Shoppin' Gal:
Do you have this in teal?

Chuckles:
Oh, no, sorry, just sea foam or melon, sweetie.

[Candy points out that Mecha-Dave has a clockwork key in his back.]

Oswidge:
I thought it was some kinda growth.

Mecha-Dave:
My programming has been changed, Chuckles. I am now commanded to pound you into bacon mist.

Chuckles:
Ew.

Chuckles:
Get away! I'm too pink to die!

Candy:
Fudge? I need to give her something really great so she'll feel guilty about that lousy present she gave me!

Dave:
So, tell her it's imported.

Candy:
That could work.

Oswidge:
Ah, fudge. Truly it is the greatest of the brown-colored fruits.

Oswidge:
Newts don't eat fudge!

[Fang runs away screaming from Candy]

Candy:
[Furyously] Once I catch you I'll kick you!

[Dave cooks kitten-shaped apricot pancakes for Fang.]

Fang:
Gormet cooking is not barbariany!

Dave:
Uncle Oswidge, Fang's being mean to breakfast!

Oswidge:
Can't you two just- pancakes!

Dave:
I never wanted to be a Barbarian!

Fang:
You did when you were ten!

Dave:
Only because I thought it meant a librarian who also cuts hair.

Oswidge:
Don't make me turn you two into cabages again!

Bogmelon:
Just got a big shipment of snakes... You want one?

Snake:
Please, buy me!

Candy:
Actually, I'm looking for one of those hats with antlers on it.

Bogmelon:
We got that.

Snake:
I'm a hat! Please buy me!

Candy:
Look, anything that can say it's a hat isn't a hat, okay?

Bogmelon:
Oh, a hat! You want a hat! We got that.

Snake:
I'm a hat!

[A kid asks Bogmelon for a hot dog.]

Snake:
Buy me, I'm delicious!

[Dave volunteers to help Candy get a hat.]

Dave:
Oh! I can help with that! I love hats! Whaddya need? A cap? A derby? A plumed velvet tricorne with satin trim and those little sparkly dangly bits that hang down, they're all dangly and sparkly and-

Oswidge:
I call upon thee to summon images of Throktar and Glimia, wheresoever they may be!

Cauldron of Summoning:
Please deposit ten drekles for the first five minutes.

Glimia:
We destroyed the evil citadel of Naccar the Obliterator yesterday.

Throktar:
They had a lovely gift shop. We got you a spoon!

Throktar:
Whoops, gotta go. Giant man-eating cockroaches have come to rip out our entrails.

[The Royal Family enters the Desert of Peculiar Smells.]

Oswidge:
Smells kinda like a cross between rotten bananas and being hit in the face with a shovel.

Chuckles:
I'm the master of evil! The master of evil! I can't help it if I have an adorably curly little tail.

[Chuckles the Silly Piggy summons a sand monster.]

Chuckles:
And now, my fiendish sand monster shall destroy- I, I'm, I'm sorry, but are you chewing gum while I'm delivering my villainous threats? That is so rude! Spit it out, little mister!

[Dave runs away from the sand monster, accidentally running around the entire world.]

Polar Bear:
If it ain't fish, I'm not interested.

Dave:
My enchanted sword will change your tune, villain!

Lula:
What? What are you looking at? What? What!?

Dave:
I guess I was hoping for, I don't know, like some kind of magical energy blast?

Lula:
And you couldn't say something!? What am I, a mind reader!?

[Lula shoots a magical energy blast at Chuckles, who shoots an energy blast from his amulet.]

Dave:
Ha! It seems we are evenly matched!

Chuckles:
Not really. Mine's still set on low. Bye-bye! [He turns a dial on the amulet to "high".] You shall perish beneath the might of my mighty... Mightiness!

Dave:
[Thinking.] Why is it so echo-y inside my head?

Throktar Hallucination:
I'm just a hallucination brought on by stress! Well, gotta go! The annual hallucination costume party's tonight. [Disappears, then reappears in a tutu, laughing.] I'm going as a fairy princess!

Chuckles:
Normally, I hate pathetic grovelling. But on you, it worked.

Dave:
I'll give you anything. Look, using my world-renowned artistry, I've made you this origami hat!

Chuckles:
Oooh, I love that! And with antlers! Very fetching!

Chuckles:
I'm not a moose! I'm a pig wearing an origami hat with antlers!

Moose-Eating Thunder Hawk:
Yeah, yeah, I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard that story.

[Candy asks for fashion advice from Fang.]

Fang:
I don't give a rabid weasel's snout what you wear to some stupid dance.

Candy:
You don't understand! One fashion mistake, and the other girls will rip me to shreds!

Fang:
Cool!

Candy:
No, I mean, really, rip me to shreds.

Fang:
Cooooool!

Oswidge:
I just heard I'm going to emcee the ball! And the emcee always eats first! [Licks lips.] They're gonna have those nutlogs I like!

Dave:
I just heard I'll be working the hat check room at the ball. So many hats... It's like a... A beautiful dream.

[Candy screams at the sight of her zit.]

Dave:
What is it!? A monstrous ogre!? An ogreous monster!? Tell me quick so I'll know the best way to run away!

Oswidge:
A little magic, I'll have that hideous thing off your face faster than you can say, "get this hideous thing off my face".

Candy:
Get this hideous thing-

Oswidge:
Gitripozene!

[Uncle Oswidge turns Candy into a stack of magazines.]

Dave:
Hey, look! It's the Pillaging Illustrated swimsuit issue!

Candy:
Move your hand one inch closer, and you'll be pulling back a stump.

Candy:
Uncle Oswidge, I could kiss you! If you weren't so short, and old, and ugly, and smelly.

Oswidge:
I'm not that short.

Candy:
Um... You wanna dance?

Pank:
Sure. Wait... you mean with... you?

[The Zit kidnaps Candy.]

Candy:
Hank! Do something!

Pank:
[Looking at his pants.] Uh... I think I just did.

Dave:
Okay, I'll do it. But only if I don't have to fight the monster.

Fang:
Of course you have to fight the monster! What're you gonna do, bake him a pie!?

Dave:
But everybody loves pie!

Ted:
You know what I hate most about eating people?

Stu:
When their shoes get caught in your teeth?

Ted:
Bingo!

Zit:
I am Sebacious D. Wisehop. But you may can call me, "Zit".

Candy:
I'm Princess Candy.

Zit:
I know, I used to be on your forehead.

Candy:
Why did you grab me?

Zit:
Because I'm a monster! An evil, bloodthirsty, uncivilized monster! Who's totally in love with you!

[Candy tells Dave that zit cream never works.]

Dave:
Oh no? Well, this is New-and-Improved Zit-B-Gon!

Zit:
[Gasps.] Not New-and-Improved Zit-B-Gon! With the miracle ingredient XV-17, zits don't stand a chance against Zit-B-Gon! Now available in regular or grape!

Oswidge:
Don't cry, Candy. You're still young. As a teenager, you'll have a lot more chances to fall in love! And if not, at least you'll have a lot more zits!

[In this episode Dave, Fang, Candy, Oswidge, and Faffy create a band with a donkey.]

Fang:
[singing] Donkey chum, donkey chum

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Love my donkey or you are dumb! Yeah, donkey chum! [screams]

[Uncle Oswidge invents rock 'n' roll after hearing Fang's version of "Donkey Chum".]

Uncle Oswidge:
I'll call it rock 'n' roll. Cause it feels like you're being hit with a rock, and I'm hungry for a roll.

[Fang explains how she knows how to play the lute.]

Fang:
It's a long story. See, there was this bug...

[Fang flashes back.]

Bug:
Spare my life and I'll teach you to play the lute.

[Back in the present.]

Fang:
Then he taught me the lute. Huh, guess it wasn't that long.

[After "Donkey Chum" became a hit Dave writes another song entitled "Pancake Party".]

Dave:
Here's a little song I like to call "Pancake Party". [Singing]]

If I had a pancake....

I'd eat it with butter!

I'd eat it with syrup!

I'd eat it with a fork!

Oh Pan...

Fang:
[Switching music to rock] Let me show you how it's done! [Singing]

Pancakes, Pancakes,

Eat 'em with a fork!

Pancakes, pancakes!

Don't be a dork!

[After the Ogre's check had been passed from debtor to debtor Dave questions what just happened]

Uncle Oswidge:
I think I can explain all that in song...

I knew an egg by the name of Steve

Layed by a moo-cow, I believe

Wore pants, suspenders and a tie

And only washed his face on the fifth of July

Steve took a nap in a frying pan and woke up next to sausages!

[The cast joins in a chorus of "Steve the Egg".]

Dave:
Now I get it!