Desperate Housewives, Season Four

Bree:
"Not on the couch! I just had it reupholstered"

Orson:
"Andrew take your sister into the kitchen. Get some towels, boil some water. Everything is gonna be fine! I'm a doctor."

Bree:
"You're a dentist! What if there are complications?"

Orson:
"Should an emergency arise we'll simply call an amulet."

Bree:
"A what?"

Orson:
"Ambulance."

Bree:
"How many rum punches did you have?"

Orson:
"There was punch in that rum?"

Parker Scavo:
MOM! We're gonna bake you a cake when the doctor says your cancer's gone.

Lynette Scavo:
Great! Grab this. [hands him a sack of rodent poison]

Parker Scavo:
What's this stuff for?

Lynette Scavo:
You know that possum that's been ruining our garden?

Parker Scavo:
[Happily] Yeah, me and Preston named him Scruffles!

Lynette Scavo:
Don't give him a name, he's not gonna be around much longer.

Parker Scavo:
[concerned] You're not gonna hurt him are you?

Lynette Scavo:
Honey, I put up a fence and he burrowed right under it. The man at the garden center said these are crafty creatures and there's only one way to stop 'em.

Parker Scavo:
So you're gonna kill him?

Lynette Scavo:
Sweaty let me ask you something. If you had to choose between mommy's beautiful garden and a gross, mean, dirty possum, what would you pick?

Parker Scavo:
Scruffles!

Lynette Scavo:
Ok, we're done talkin' here. [she grabs the bags from him, leaving him looking a little upset]

Tom Scavo:
Ok, now you're scaring me.

Lynette Scavo:
Why?

Tom Scavo:
Look at yourself. You've declared jihad on a possum.

Lynette Scavo:
This is not a joke, Tom. Something has attacked our home and, when that happens, you don't just stand by. You fight it! Screw this creature that has come into our lives uninvited and is trying to destroy us! It will not defeat me!

Tom Scavo:
OK. You do what you need to do.

Lynette Scavo:
Thank you.

Gabrielle:
"Can I say something?"

Edie:
"What?"

Gabrielle:
"I'm sorry Carlos and I lied to you. I know we hurt you. And I wish it didn't happen the way it did. And I just wanted you to know that."

Edie:
"Why are you talking like that?"

Gabrielle:
"Well, I thought just in case we..."

Edie:
"Oh, no you don't! You just shut the hell up. I'm not doing death bed confessions here. When we get through this, I'm gonna go on hating you for years to come."

Gabrielle:
"Do you really hate me?"

Edie:
"Yes!" (then realizes what has happened) "No. It's just that I really let myself fall for him, which was stupid because I always knew that he'd go back to you."

(Gabrielle and Edie hear a bang and hug each other tightly)

Gabrielle:
"Well, I'm still sorry, though."

Edie (calmly and gently):
"I said shut the hell up."

Carlos:
"Do you mind if I say something?"

Victor:
"Please."

Carlos:
"Gaby and I never planned to get back together, Victor. We tried to keep away from each other. We really did. And...I don't know, it's like we're two halves of the same person or something. And when we're apart, we...we just aren't happy, which is why we... We never set out to hurt you, Victor. And I'm sorry we did."

Victor:
"Are you done?"

Carlos:
"Yeah."

Milton:
"You're not getting a dime. Victor showed me the photographs of you and your ex-husband. You broke his heart. You humiliated him. So you'll inherit exactly what you deserve: nothing."

Gabrielle:
"OK. I made a mistake. I'm sorry. But Victor wasn't entirely blameless. He ignored me. He used me politically. Oh, yeah, and he tried to kill Carlos. So I think I'm entitled to whatever he had.".  :Milton: "Ah, there's the thing. You married a man from a very rich family, the operative word being family. Everything is in my name. Always was. The service is starting. And it's time for you to go.".

Gabrielle:
"Go? You can't kick me out of my husband's funeral!"

Milton:
"I think it's appropriate, given the circumstances."

Gabrielle:
"Go to hell.".

Milton:
"I'll be delivering the eulogy. If you're still in this funeral when I reach the public, I am going to be telling all of these people that you are a cheating, lying whore. You see? I told you it was going to be an emotional day.". Katherine: "What are you still doing here? I thought you found a motel room".

Gabrielle (to Ellie):
"Here's the thing. I thought you were a hooker, so I had Lee proposition you so I could catch you in the act. But guess what? You passed the test! Everybody inside for margaritas!"

Ellie Leonard:
Hi, I'm Ellie. I understand you've got a room to rent.

Gabrielle:
Yeah, come on in.

Carlos:
[to Gaby about Ellie] So we have two tramps living in our house.

Gabrielle:
[to Carlos about Ellie] Okay, there may be two tramps in this house, but only one of them is getting paid.

Gabrielle:
[about Ellie] There have been men coming out of her room at all hours of the night. And I saw her counting a wad of cash.

Edie:
Tell me anyway. Just in case you're not saying I'm a big slut.

Bree:
Oh, come on, Edie. Carlos, Mike, Karl. You do have a way at picking at other women's leftovers.

Susan:
"We're not inviting you to poker, we're not talking to you, we're not even gonna wave when you jog by. From now on, you are invisible" (Talking to Edie)

Lynette:
I'm in jail cause of Kayla, your daughter, Tom!

Mike Delfino:
You're doing great honey, just keep breathing. How close are the contractions?

Susan Delfino:
A few weeks apart... wanna go to the movies?

Mike Delfino:
What?

Susan Delfino:
I'm not in labor, ok?

Mike Delfino:
But y-your water broke. I saw it!

Susan:
It was club soda. Amniotic fluid doesn't have ice cubes and a lemon wedge.

[The children sneak into Lynette's room while she's asleep]

Parker, Preston, and Porter Scavo:
Happy Mother's Day!

Lynette Scavo:
Oh my gosh, that is so sweet, thank you.

[Porter gives her a breafast in bed tray with breakfast on it]

Parker Scavo:
We're gonna go get your present.

Porter Scavo:
I hope you like turtles!

Lynette:
Kayla, I'm really sorry about the way things turned out.

Kayla Huntington:
No, you aren't.

Lynette:
Okay! I'm not.

Bree:
Don't you dare throw your calligraphy skills in my face when you know I'm at a low point!

Parker Scavo:
Since when do you make waffles?

Lynette:
Well Kayla loves waffles, and since she and I have been having some problems lately, I'm doing something nice for her.

Susan (about her baby's name):
Mike insisted that we name him after his dead grandfather.

Lynette:
How did he die? Was he beaten to death because his name was Maynard?

Susan:
I know. It's terrible but I can't change it now. Mike was so emotional about it.

Bree:
Well, then appeal to his sense of reason. Maynard doesn't go with the name Delfino. One is German and one is Italian and we all know what happens when those folks get together.

Susan:
I'm not sure that the World War II argument is going to fly.

Bree:
Come on, you have to do something. That name is practically abusive.

Gabrielle:
Yeah, think about your son. People live up to the names they're given. If my parents hadn't named me Gabrielle, who knows if I'd be this pretty?

Lynette:
I guess that's why they didn't name you "Einstein."

Gabrielle:
So sarcastic but what would you expect from a "Lynette"? (Lynette scoffs) What? If your name was Francesca, you wouldn't have time for sarcasm. You'd be too busy having sex on a vespa.

Bree:
Look, this family's reputation is already hanging by a thread. I mean first people thought that your stepfather was a wife killer, then your sister takes off with her history teacher, and now we're supposed to parade the little bastard up and down the street. I mean we might as well sit on the porch and play banjos!

Mary Alice Opening:
"The great crime wave hit Wisteria Lane on a Tuesday afternoon. That's when residents found their barbecues upended, their clean laundry trampled, and their skateboards missing. Naturally, everyone began to ask who could be responsible for such carnage? The answer lay in the home of a neighbor, who, 20 minutes earlier, had been engaging in an altogether different type of crime." ... And so ended the great crime wave on Wisteria Lane. No one ever found out who was responsible. Because, it was an inside job."

Mary Alice Closing:
"There is nothing more decaptive than a smile. And no one knows this better than the people who hide behind them. Some flash their teeth as a polite warning to their enemies. Some put on beaming faces to keep their tears from falling. Others wear silly grins to mask their fear. But then there is that rare smile that is actually genuine. It's the smile of a person who knows his troubles will soon be over."

Dylan:
fighting with Katherine- I'm starting to think you are the monster! ( Katherine slaps her) Susan Meyer: When our babies go to college, we'll be like...

Bree Van De Kamp:
Dead? Lynette: who is high- I'm a ninja!

Mary Alice Opening:
"The odd-looking boxes were delivered to the home of Bob Hunter and Lee McDermott early on a Tuesday morning. It wasn't long before workmen had opened them and begun assembling the various parts and pieces. Happily, it only took three hours to turn the contents into a finished work of art. Sadly, it only took 15 minutes for the residents of Wisteria Lane to become art critics. ... Yes, art came to Wisteria Lane on a Tuesday morning. And by Tuesday afternoon war had come as well."

Mary Alice:
"As word of the sculpture spread, Bob and Lee began to wonder if any of their neighbors would be supportive. But when the sculpture's true function was unveiled the next day, whatever support they did have was quickly washed away."

Mary Alice Closing:
"It's the same for all of us. We try not to get too close to the people who live next door. It's easier to give them a polite nod than to ask what's wrong. It's safer to keep walking by than to get involved. True, we sometimes do get to know the people we share a fence with, and end up lifelong friends. But mostly, we keep our distance. Because we'd rather our neighbors know nothing about us than know too much."

Bree to Orson hinting at her former mother-in-law Phyllis:
“Emotionally unavailable. – Gosh, I wonder where she picked up that little phrase.”

Danielle to Bree:
“You're always mean to me just like you were to dad. You emasculated him. Well, you’re not gonna emasculate me.”

Bree:
“You don’t even know what that means, you petulant sockpuppet"

Adam:
"I did, but I wanted to set something straight before I go. I'm not leaving before you want me to, I'm leaving because I'm walking out on you". Katherine: "Oh, is that how we're gonna play this? Fine, whatever, you're leaving me". Adam: "I am, and here's why. You blamed what happened on your ex-husband, and I believed you. You told me it was all his fault, and then I find out it was yours. We are about even in the betrayal department now. In fact, I think you win". Lynette: "Damnnit, Karen, I'm running out of Ida!

Bree:
Don't you dare try to turn our son into an intellectual!

Carlos Solis:
It's good for a dog to sleep with its master. It helps us bond. Gabrielle Solis: Well if you ever want to bond with my boobs again, you'll get her off.

Mike Delfino:
[to Orson] Are you the guy that ran me over?