Dexter, Season 3

Dentist:
So you still have your boat?

Dexter:
Oh, you bet. It's the only place I can really let everything go.

Dexter:
OK, Astor, you're up. Mickey Mouse, unicorns or starfish?

Astor:
Just plain, round pancakes, Dexter.

Rita:
She's growing up.

Dexter:
It starts with pancakes?

Dexter:
[Voiceover:] Most normal people enjoy a sacred pact with society - live a good life and society will take care of you. But if society drops the ball, then someone else has to pick up the slack. That's where I come in.

Dexter:
[Voiceover:] Dexter the doughnut guy, part of my routine. But let the record show I'm not the only one with a daily ritual. Angel Batista - bear claw. Vince Masuka - lemon custard.

Freebo:
Stupid cunt's gonna redefine "short-term relationship". Catch my drift?

Dexter:
Yeah, I catch your drift. [Voiceover:] And I'm entirely confident you've earned the privilege of being repurposed as fish food.

Rita:
[To Dexter] Dexter, you've been working such killer hours lately.

Dexter:
[Voiceover:] There were so many lessons in the vaunted code of Harry. Twisted commandments handed down from the only God I ever worshipped. One through ten... Don't get caught - that I got covered. But killing someone without knowing if he's guilty... I'd love some help on this one...but my God is dead now.

Dexter:
[Voiceover:] Harry finds me sitting in a pool of blood, turns me into his own personal vendetta machine, and when he sees the monster he created in action, he kills himself.

Dexter:
[Voiceover:] I have moved on from my father, but I still need his code, now more than ever. But it has to evolve, become my own.

Dexter:
[Voiceover:] Harry - the last person I'd turn to for advice on parenthood.

Dexter:
[Voiceover:] I promised Rita I'd be back in an hour. So she's nesting while I'm hunting, stalking my prey.]

Dexter:
[Voiceover:] If my first stab at Freebo had gone as planned, Oscar Prado might still be alive, Miguel wouldn't know who I was, Teegan would have lived to ho another day, and Deb wouldn't be chasing a Jane Doe. And I wouldn't be watching the clock, counting the minutes till darkness comes, trying to get the jump on my friends in blue.

Dexter:
[Voiceover]: The grocery store - the modern-day equivalent of the Serengeti, where the mighty lion goes to hunt. And my weaker brethren reward me with gifts.

Rita:
You do your grocery list alphabetically?

Dexter:
How else would you do it?

Dexter:
Rita's pregnant.

Debra:
Say again.

Dexter:
Rita's pregnant.

Debra:
You're lying!

Dexter:
I'm not lying.

Debra:
A baby? A motherf***ing roly-poly, chubby cheeked shit-machine? Are you kidding me?

Dexter:
Well, I've never heard it described in quite those words before, but yeah.

Dexter:
What else did the doctor say?

Rita:
He asked me about a million questions about my medical history. There's a form for you to fill out too, but I told him you were adopted. I mean... Are there any details that you do know?

Dexter:
[Voiceover]: Like "Mom was killed by a chainsaw, my brother was killed by...well, me." That kind of stuff? [to Rita] No, I don't really know anything.

Miguel:
At least share a drink with me.

Dexter:
Yeah, I'll grab some glasses. [Voiceover]: Showing up late at night like this, is it creepy, or just what friends do?

Dexter:
[Voiceover on getting CAT-scanned]: It seems ironic that I, an expert on human dismemberment, have to pay $800 to have myself virtually dissected.

Dexter:
[Voiceover]: So there it is. I'm going to be a father, and raise my child. It's what any good man would do. After all...it's a jungle out there.

Dexter:
[Voiceover]: Role playing. It's such an important part of growing up. When we were kids, whatever role Deb assigned me - evil monster, treacherous Nazi, horrible alien - I played them to perfection. The only roles I had trouble with were the good guys - heroes, knights in shining armor. It just never felt right.

Rita:
Dexter and I have something we want to talk to you about.

Astor:
What?

Dexter:
We're having a baby.

Rita:
Um... You're gonna have a new little brother or little sister to play with.

Cody:
Which one?

Rita:
Which one would you like?

Cody:
A puppy.

Dexter:
You can have a puppy and a baby.

Dexter:
[Voiceover]: Masuka - he's chosen the role of court jester. Now we only like him when he's making us laugh. Still, there's something said for being a character actor. The lead players with all those emotions must be exhausting.

Dexter:
[Voiceover]: Most actors toil in obscurity, never stepping into the spotlight. But if you hone your craft, work diligently, you might just find yourself cast in the role of a lifetime.

Dexter:
[Voiceover:] There are many ways to stop the heart. Electric shock, bad diet... Sever the aorta - my personal favorite.

Rita:
That massage was amazing.

Sylvia:
We spend enough money to be members here. At least now I have somebody to go to the spa with.

Miguel:
All of that stuff, that's not for men, right, Dex?

Dexter:
Lying naked on a table, helpless, no thanks.

Dexter:
[Voiceover:] Clemson Galt has been on my top ten list for years, and Miguel could be a big help. But the goal here isn't to satisfy my need, it's to get Miguel to find a new hobby.

Camilla:
You know, Dexter, my whole life I've been searching for...

Dexter:
The meaning of life?

Camilla:
The perfect...Key lime pie. And what do I get when I'm about to croak? F***ing pie-crust, Reddi-wip, and green Jell-O...

Dexter:
I'll see what I can do about finding you the perfect Key lime pie.

Dexter:
[Voiceover on Ellen Wolf]: Do I see sheets of plastic in your future?

Dexter:
[Voiceover]: It's said that everything is connected to everything. The butterfly effect... You drop a pebble in a pond and the ripples radiate outwards, touching and affecting everything.

Dexter:
[Voiceover]: Freebo's dead, and now there's a tree-trimmers' convention in here. It seems random, but it's not. The butterfly effect again. Off course, it's an odd sensation when you happen to be the butterfly.

Rita:
I asked him for menu suggestions - do you know what he says?

Sylvia:
I don't know.

Rita:
Steak. He says steak. Yeah, that's great, Dexter. That's really great. We'll start with a steak appetizer, followed by steak salad, followed, of course, by a steak. And then, of course, it'll all be topped off by a steak f***ing cake.

Dexter:
You ever drop a quarter of milk? Watch it spread over the whole kitchen floor, the mess it makes?

Miguel:
Yeah.

Dexter:
There's six quarts of blood in the human body. This isn't gonna be pretty.

Dexter:
[Voiceover]: I tell Miguel to be inconspicuous, and what does he do? He shows up looking like the Unabomber.

Dexter:
You were wrong. It went well.

Harry:
Maybe. Who knows?

Dexter:
You can't admit it. He did good.

Harry:
That was never the issue, Dex - I was only thinking about you.

Dexter:
Of course.

Harry:
You've set something in motion here. Everything Miguel does from now on is connected to you. It's a lot of responsibility, teaching him what you just did. A heavy burden... It was too much for me to bear. I hope you're a stronger man.

Sylvia:
He's having an affair.

Rita:
Oh, no. No, no. You don't know that.

Sylvia:
When you've been married as long as we have, you know when your husband's lying.

Dexter:
[Voiceover: Something to look forward to.]

Debra:
Skinner's had him for 24 hours. How long do you think he can hold out?

Dexter:
Well, the ME's report on the other victims suggests the skinner starts slow - probably to build fear. Anton's a big guy - a lot of skin. [Pause] That's meant to be comforting.

George:
Am I under arrest, sir?

Quinn:
No, but we can hold you for questioning.

George:
For the day.

Debra:
What are you, a lawyer? No, wait, I forgot. You're a f***ing tree-trimmer.

Debra:
So how do I crack this sick f***'s brain?

Dexter:
From what I've read about these sick f***s, they usually have some sort of...code.

Dexter:
[Voiceover: Today I keep up the pretence. But soon, maybe tomorrow, Miguel will know exactly how I feel because finally there's an emotion I don't have to fake. Today, I feel something real.]

Dexter:
[referring to Astor] What'd you use on her, chloroform?

Rita:
I hope she was good.

Debra:
Aw, she was a champ. She almost made it throught Saw 1 and 2. [Pause] Just kidding.

Rita:
I feel like Cinderella. Except for the whole Disney virgin thing...

Sylvia:
Oh, don't worry. No one will know Prince Charming knocked you up before the ball.

Dexter:
[Voiceover: Bachelor parties. While I do understand the need for ritual, I've heard these events aren't really for the groom, they're for everyone else.]

Miguel:
So as you all know, we're here to, uh, celebrate the impending marriage of our dear friend Dexter. And while my job as best man is to offer a few remarks, you're gonna have to forgive me for keeping them G-rated, because, uh, I'm running for office after all.

Dexter:
[Voiceover: Better run fast.]

Rita:
Syl told me she kicked out Miguel. How is he?

Dexter:
Uh, I think he feels betrayed.

Rita:
Why? He's the one who threw his marriage vows out the window. Who does that?

Dexter:
A man without a code.

Angel:
Please tell me you're not freezing sperm in there.

Masuka:
This only gets down to minus 40 degrees centigrade. Freezing sperm requires a vessel to be at least minus 200. What? I'm a donor. It's my way of giving back.

Angel:
God help the children.

Angel:
So you like her?

Masuka:
The problem is she likes me. I mean, there's gotta be something wrong with her, right?

Dexter:
[Voiceover: If home is where the heart is, where do you go when you don't have a heart? In Miguel's case, a five-star hotel.]

LaGuerta:
You ever get a voice inside nagging at you?

Dexter:
I'm aware of the phenomenon.

LaGuerta:
Use my authorization code to make it happen. Procedure above board, results - under the table - you good with that?

Dexter:
Absolutely. If you need something under the table, I'm your guy. [Pause] That didn't come out right.

Dexter:
[To Miguel] You're all just...unchecked versions of myself - what I would have become without my father's code.

Miguel:
I accept you, Dexter, like a brother.

Dexter:
I killed my brother. [Pause] I killed yours too.

Rita:
Ramon didn't ask you to leave. He pushed you out the door.

Dexter:
Yeah, he was drunk.

Rita:
I could smell the fumes. He's just so angry.

Dexter:
He's lost two brothers. He doesn't know who to blame.

Rita:
Well, certainly not you.

Dexter:
[Voiceover on being strapped to a table: Such a familiar situation - such an unfamiliar perspective.]

Dexter:
[Voiceover: A wolf would chew off its own paw, its survival instinct is that fierce. So is mine.]

Dexter:
[Voiceover: We all have secrets. In that way, I'm just like everyone else.]

Debra:
[To Dexter] Ugh. Me in a dress, I feel like a transvestite.

Vince Masuka:
I brought all this shit off my manicurist. Need all the luck I can get. Got a crucifix up there too.

Dexter:
Because it did so much for Jesus?

Debra:
Have you started thinking about names yet? Not that I wanna push it on you or anything, but if you have a girl, Debra's a really good name!

Dexter:
...Deb I should tell you-

Debra:
Oh my God what happened!?

Dexter:
Nothing happened! It's just I'm not sure I'm gonna be there to raise the baby.

Debra:
...What?

Dexter:
I don't know if I'm gonna be a father to the kid. [Debra punches him in the arm] Ow!

Debra:
Of course you are you moron.

Dexter:
Deb...

Debra:
Shut the fuck up! How can you even say you're not gonna be a father to that kid! I mean where would you be without Harry!? And he wasn't even your biological father!

Dexter:
I just think I'm gonna be a lousy father, I don't wanna screw the kid up. [Debra punches him in the arm again] Would you please stop doing that!

Debra:
Then stop saying stupid things! I mean first of all who are we kidding, you're gonna be a great father. And second, and much more important big dumb brother of mine, this isn't about you.

Dexter:
...Who's it about?

Debra:
...The baby. So it doesn't matter how scared you are. How reluctant or unprepared you might feel, the baby comes first. And that baby needs you.

Rita:
Dexter, what is it?

Dexter:
My life has always felt like an unanswered question. A string of days and nights, waiting for something to happen, but I didn't know what.

Cody:
Why is he acting so weird?

Astor:
I don't know.

Dexter:
Rita, we're connected. Wherever I am, I feel you and the kids with me. You're what makes me real. I want us to always go out for banana splits. And replant the lemon tree that keeps dying. And I never, ever want to miss a pizza night. And that's how I know I want to marry you. Because something as simple as pizza night's the highlight of my week. But not without the kids. [leans down by Cody and Astor] Cody, Astor, you guys are my family. I'm gonna hang on to you for dear life. Please, say yes.

[Rita looks to Cody and Astor and they both nod their approval]

Rita:
Yes! Yes, we will marry you!

Ramon:
I was also hoping I could speak with a couple of your previous witnesses.

Debra:
Speak with? As in we didn't do it right the first time?

Ramon:
Cases evolve. Witnesses change their stories, junior personnel they make mistakes. No disrespect.

Quinn:
Oh, whoa! Actually that's a lot of disrespect. You've come into our house twice, you not only insult our police work, now you're insulting one of the most dedicated officers I've ever partnered with... yes, you. It's bullshit, my man!

Ramon:
Let's not lose sight of the fact that we want the same thing here. To find whoever is responsible for these murders.

Masuka:
Ah, there is one slight problem. Your case has nothing to do with our case.

Angel:
The Vic wasn't skinned?

Masuka:
Not like our previous victims. There were minute traces of ink in the papillary and reticular...

Angel:
English?

Masuka:
Someone dug out a tattoo from the back of her neck. Postmortem. Which is another reason why I don't think we're looking at the same killer. It's all right here in the County Medical Examiner's Report.

Ramon:
That's your opinion. My lab thinks differently.

Angel:
Let me see that.

Ramon:
You're not taking this seriously are you?

Debra:
In a fucking heartbeat! Do you know how many times Vince Masuka's been published?

Angel:
He's our lead forensic investigator. And there's no one better.

Ramon:
Our victim was strangled, the same as yours.

Masuka:
Petechial hemorrhaging in the eyes and bruising would lead one to conclude strangulation. Unless you're me. You were so busy playing hide the sausage with the M.E.'s report you were hoping I'd miss the cotton fibers in the nose and airways. Your victim was smothered. That's not opinion, that's science. And science is one cold-hearted bitch with a 14 inch strap-on!

Debra:
And he's back!

Dexter:
[voiceover] Ethan Turner was incapable of compromise. He loved his wives' money more than he loved them. And in the end, it cost him dearly. I don't want to be like Ethan. Maybe my days of coming and going as I please are over, but that doesn't mean my life is over.

Angel:
How much caffeine have you had?

Debra:
A metric fuck-ton.

Angel:
Well you should stop, it's giving you Tourette's.

Debra:
So I'm thinking trimmed trees, tree trimmer. Maybe there's a connection.

Angel:
Okay.

Debra:
So I go through every fucking photo of every fucking crime scene, and guess what I found.

Quinn:
Trimmed trees?

Debra:
No, I didn't find shit! But when I looked at the homes of the victims - motherfucking trimmed trees!