Dirty Jobs

Mike:
That stinks a little.

Renee:
You sure it's not you?

Mike:
At this point, no.

Mike:
This is what you did with your back room. And you could have gone with a computer office or a library...you've got a bat cage.

Barbara:
Yeah, I've decided to go with the fruit bat motif.

Mike:
[with his leg stuck in bat guano] What a stupid way to die.

Mike:
There's really not a lot of difference between an octopus and like a giant pile of snot.

Mike:
Are we walking in sand or guano?

Jim:
That's powdered bat guano.

Mike:
Holy shoot.

Jim:
I don't know if it's holy, but it's definitely shit.

John:
Worms are low maintenance, real easy to take care of. They basically do three things: they eat, they poop, and have sex.

Mike:
Man, that's a great life.

Mike:
You know they throw poop at each other over at that other ranch. Just so you know.

Chris:
We're a little bit cleaner facility.

Mike:
[while he's inside a septic tank] Are you a religious man, Les? I'm about to become one. I'm going to be real good for the rest of my life because I don't want to come here when I die.

Mike:
If I'm supposed to let it bite me, then who's fishing who?

Mike:
[about the catfish] Jeez, it's like a giant hunk of snot.

Roadkill Cleaner:
There's times that you have to either laugh or throw up, whatever comes first which you might as well laugh.

Mike:
I'll tell you what. You laugh and I'll throw up.

Mike:
[to golf ball diver] Did you ever lose your bag of balls? That's got to be frustrating.

Golf ball diver:
You fan with your hands through the mud until you feel something hard and you grab onto it. It's gonna be a golf ball. And if it moves, you let it go.

Horse Breeder:
[said while horse breeder was pulling out manure from the horse's butt] I can identify most of our horses from this angle.

Mike:
You gotta get out more.

Mike:
Nice warm day. Rough seas. The smell of freshly ground mackerel hitting you square in the face like a moist sponge. If you don't vomit in a situation like this, you never will.

Mike:
That's going in my wine? Please tell me there's another process between here and the vineyard.

Mike:
What's the coolest thing you ever found in a car you were disassembling?

Mark:
One time I found a forty-five.

Mike:
A forty-five... a weapon?

Mark:
A weapon. I found a cassette box that was loaded with drugs.

Mike:
What kinda drugs?

Mark:
Green stuff in a bag, I guess it was...

Mike:
Oregano, probably

Mark:
Probably. Oregano to me...

Mike:
What happened was that you probably got the car of an ex-cooking expert, probably.

Mark:
And he was afraid someone was gonna steal his recipe and that's why he had the forty-five.

Mike:
After eight hours with L.J. III, I was trashed.

Mike:
Nobody makes a turd like that and lives.

Gary:
Sure they do.

Mike:
Come on, it's orange!

Gary:
The first thing we have to do, Mike, is get acquainted with this tool right here.

Mike:
What is this?

Gary:
This tool here is called the Pooper Scooper.

Mike:
This is called a garden trowel.

Gary:
For us it's a Pooper Scooper.

Mike:
You're not gonna tell me that were gonna scoop the poop out of the pot with a garden trowel?

Mike:
Ho ho ho, three giant bags of poo. Who's been naughty? I'm the real bad Santa.

Mike:
And while some people might have left their hearts in San Francisco, I can tell you from my experience today, that's not all they left.

[Mike is pushing the pigs out of a fenced area.]

Mike:
Go to where your friends are peeing... Join the urine parade.

Mike:
They build a nest on top of their poo? How firm a foundation.

Mike:
[Stumbles on roof] Another colossally stupid way to die: "What happened to Mike?" - "Ah, he fell off a building." - "What was he doing?" - "Ah, he was cleaning up pigeon poo. Tragic really, cut down in the sub-prime of his life."

Eric:
Now, you're gonna wanna to take your hand and brush off the excess dirt off her vulva.

Mike:
Right, with my clean gloves. Excess dirt? There's nothing here but... this vulva is encased in poo.

Eric:
This is the nursery.

Mike:
The nursery! What fresh hell are we in here?

Mike:
Yeah, that's a great sound. The ground is farting at me.

Tom:
[brewery employee] We filter it while it's cold, it'll be clear while it's warm.

Mike:
Filter cold, clear warm.

Tom:
Yes. If one were to filter it warm, it might not be clear cold. Is that clear?

Mike:
You're a complicated man, Tom.

Tom:
Come on, you tell that to all the boys.

Mike:
For a guy with a hose you tell a good story.

Mike:
We're just a couple of guys squeezing the crap outta chicks.

[Mike and Dave have added hops into another vat.]

Mike:
How hot is it in there?

Dave:
About 212 degrees. Boiling point.

Mike:
That's boiling, yeah. That's why you keep that [lid] shut.

Dave:
Yeah.

Mike:
Safety first.

[Dave agrees]

Mike:
Where are your safety goggles, Dave?

Dave:
Uhh…

Mike:
Uh-huh. I'll have a chat with OSHA.

[Mike and Dave are looking down a vat that Mike is going to clean]

Mike:
How hot is it down there?

Dave:
148 degrees.

Mike:
Well it’s a dry heat.

Mary:
Roach Armageddon is about to commence.

Mike:
Bring it on.

Mark:
You know you're a farrier when you wash your hands before you go to the bathroom.

Mike:
Now does it occur to the crab that the chicken, being a land based animal, has no business at the bottom of the river?

Bill:
No, he's never seen a chicken.

Mike:
Turns out shoes really do make the horse.

Mike:
You've seen worse, haven't you?

Matt:
No, I haven't seen much worse, honestly.

Mike:
We conclude with a sandjob?

Matt:
Always.

Mike:
I love a happy ending!

[Mike and Todd are shoveling sludge]

Todd:
So how does it rate?

Mike:
On the seven levels of hell? Six...and a half.

Todd:
I'm glad I could accommodate you.

Mike:
[referring to a drum of sludge] How much does it weigh?

Todd:
About, uh, six hundred pounds. So let me get you the uh...

Mike:
Yeah, get me something, like six other guys.

[Todd returns with a dolly]

Mike:
Oh a dolly. Hello, dolly.

Mrs. Hunt:
[while bottling honey in a bear] That's a two pound bear and that goes for $6.

Mike:
So if a two pound bear goes for $6 and a one quart bottle goes for eight dollars, a one quart bottle must weigh over two pounds.

Mrs. Hunt:
It's three pounds.

Mike:
See? I did that all in my head!

Mrs. Hunt:
Very good.

Mike:
Thanks.