Dungeons & Dragons, Season one

Merlin:
I am a great magician, but the one thing I cannot do is grow hair.

Presto:
It must be a hundred and twenty degrees in the shade, and there isn't any shade!

Eric:
Did you hear what he said? No telling what we may run into!

Dungeon Master:
[appears from behind a rock] No telling?

Eric:
Aaah! Dungeon Master! Do you always have to do that?!

Dungeon Master:
No, not always.

Uni:
(panicked bleating)

Eric:
For once, I agree with you, Uni.

Presto:
Powers that come and go in the night, banish these snail-things from my sight!

[his hat covers his head with a bucket]

Bobbi:
I'll take care of them...I think my batteries are dead

Eric:
Quick! Under my shield...they'll never break through this...HUH?

Venger:
Bow down to your MASTER!

Tiamat:
I HAVE NO MASTER!

Eric:
Maybe there will be one less dragon?

Shelia:
BUT OUR WEAPONS DON'T WORK!

Presto:
Maybe there will be one less Venger!

Kelek:
Such a PITY YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO learn THE EXTENT Of your POWERS! AND such a tragedy YOU WON'T HAVE TIME

Presto:
Well, that should do it. Venger should be here any minute-

Venger:
Where?

Presto:
Right here! Don't you think- [finally notices him; screams]

Hank:
It's our fault Silvermane's here; maybe this "trick" gets him back.

Eric:
And maybe it gets us ZAPPED BY KELEK!

Kelek:
IT DOES, INDEED.

Kelek:
Venger!

Venger:
Greetings, Kelek. Do forgive my... intrusion.

Kelek:
Of course.

Venger:
Of course what?

Kelek:
Of course... master.

Venger:
That is better. I must thank you, Kelek. For keeping the unicorn horns, for keeping them safe, for ME...

Kelek:
The Horns are MINE! The Power is MINE! NOW YOU SHALL CALL me MASTER!

Dungeon Master:
(gleefully, easily fighting off monsters) I haven't done this in years! I'd forgotten how much fun this kind of thing could be.

Presto:
If you fall..You don't have to worry about hitting bottom....THERE ISN'T ONE.

Orc:
Orc want to welcome YOU.

Diana:
Where do you want to welcome US to?

Orc':
The Slave Mines of Deamore, where else.

Presto:
We're in trouble.

(Shadow Demon bumps into Venger and gasps)

Venger:
Well, what is it?

Shadow Demon:
Ah, I have news.

Venger:
Yes?

Shadow Demon:
Warduke has captured Dungeon Master!

Venger:
Unlikely.

Shadow Demon:
I saw him.

Venger:
(disbelieving) You saw him?

Shadow Demon:
Warduke says Dungeon Master is yours- for the right price.

Venger:
"The right price"?! Warduke has either become very brave.... or very stupid. However, I've waited many years for Dungeon Master to make his mistake; I will see to it that it's his last.

Venger:
The Life force has left him...and for you the game is up

Eric:
Well, what are you waiting for? Just point us the way Home!

Dungeonmaster:
I'm afraid it's not that easy.

Shelia:
I knew it, there's always a catch.

Eric:
Go transplant yourself, you walking weed!

Presto:
I wonder if we'll ever find a way out of this world.

Dungeon Master:
You will one day, Magician. With each brave deed, you grow more worthy. You will be rewarded, in time.

Eric:
In time for what - our retirement?

Presto:
Where's Dungeon Master when you need him?

Eric:
Forget Dungeon Master, we need a SWAT team!

Eric:
(to Dungeon Master) What's the catch this time, Your Shortness?

Shelia:
Eric, we're lost EVERYWHERE in this World... that's why we have to stick together.

Bobby:
All right, you bag of bones- try picking on somebody my size!

Shelia:
Its so skinny! What holds it up? (when they go inside)

Dinah:
That's impossible! It's bigger inside than outside!

Presto:
Now THAT's magic!

Shelia:
Hey...Everybody...wait for meeee (screams as she falls through hole)

Bobbi:
SHELIA....SHELIA....SHELIA

Eric:
Ow! What genius stuck a tree in the middle of the hallway?

Presto:
Uh, Eric.... (looks around) I think the tree's in the right place, and we're not.

Shelia:
Hank...BOBBI...Presto...Common...Anybody... you know I've scared to be alone

Hank:
Some leader I turned out to be...!

Eric:
(screams after being trapped by a ghost sheet and turned into a buffon) This isn't funny Presto, do something...

Presto:
(panics after his glasses are taken by a flying demon) Hey, my glasses...I CAN'T SEE.

Bobby:
(Bobby and Dinah see reflections of themselves..Bobby as a helpless baby and Dinah as a helpless old crone) That's not us is it?...Dinah?

Dinah:
I'm getting OLDER...and you are getting younger.

Eric and Presto are pursued by winged demons

Presto:
Oh no, I am unsure about all of them!

Eric:
Presto, for once stop worrying and just concentrate on working a powerful spell. Try summoning an aircraft carrier for instance!

Eric:
Well, you did stop them! (above apparently as written in script-but not used)

Eric:
Pull something useful out of the that dumb hat..like an aircraft carrier!

Presto:
Abra kaDavy! Bring us the United States Navy! (creates an aircraft carrier; demons all hit the stern headfirst)

Dechyon:
Yes.... a traitor and a liar.... and I have suffered for it!

Dungeon Master:
He's right, Cavalier: evil deeds do return to their source. They always come full circle, and their evil will never end until the circle is broken.

Dechyon:
You have what you want, Venger! Release me from your spell!

Venger:
You did not bring me the Circle, Dechyon. I seized it myself. I owe you nothing. But soon, you shall have six more skeleton warriors to keep you company! (attacks Hank, attempting to transform him into a skeleton)

Diana:
(struggling to reel in a fish) It's bigger than I thought!

Presto:
Maybe lunch for seven?

(a sea monster rises from the water)

Sheila:
More like seven for lunch!

Eric:
(finds a bag of food) Holy cow! I must be dreaming! Hello? Anyone belong to this food here? (normal) No? Good.

Hank:
Hang on, Eric. Don't you notice anything strange?

Eric:
Strange? We're walking through the Valley of Smoke, looking for pickled dragon's feet. What could be strange?

Dungeon Master:
The right road is not the left.

Eric:
That's the real Dungeon Master, all right.

Eric:
"Nothing"? First there's something valuable in it, then there's pain and horror in it, and now there's nothing in it! I think there's nothing in his head.

Eric:
Oh, I get it: there's something in the box and nothing in the box and the nothing is valuable but the something is horrible, and if we open it in the right place we get nothing, which is good, but if we open it in the wrong place we get something, which is horrible. I love this little guy!

Presto/Eric:
AAAAAHHHHH!!!

Eric:
We're saved! We're saved... (finds they're on a giant wasp)

Eric:
WE'RE NOT saved....AAAAAHHHHH!

Bobby:
Who closed the opening?

Eric':
I forgot to tell you...Shadowdemon closed the box.

Dinah':
You MEAN WERE TRAPPED?

Shilah:
IN ANOTHER WORLD?

Eric:
SO what else is new?

(after briefly making it home, the kids are forced to return to the Realm after Venger follows them there)

Dinah:
If we stay here Venger will destroy our world!

Presto:
If we give him our weopons, he'll conquer Dungeonmaster and the Realm!

Eric:
(laughs) Those saps can go back if they want to; not me. Nope, I'm home, and I'm staying.... Nothing can make me change my mind-

(Venger rides up behind him on Nightmare, who is literally breathing down his neck)

Venger:
Give me that shield.

Eric:
(panics) I've changed my mind. Hank, wait for me! (after the kids return to the Realm)

Eric:
Hurry ...if we closed the box Venger will be trapped forever.

Hank:
No way...He'll be trapped in our world.

Presto:
By the time we'd get back..he'll take over the planet.

Presto:
Sorry, Eric. My hat doesn't work too well when it's wet.

Eric:
Or any other time.

Sofar:
So how old are you?

Bobbi:
Almost 10.

Sofar:
Gosh so you are allowed to go out on your own? I wasn't allowed to go out on my own until I was....55!

Bobby:
55! HOW OLD ARE YOU NOW?

Lost Child:
74.

Shelia:
Alfore...I've come with the lost children to rescue you.

Alfore/Venger:
How thoughtful...only its not I who needs rescue..IT IS YOU (changes into Venger)

Shelia:
VENGER!

Presto:
(to the lost children, seeing Alfore) He's one of you?

Bobby:
You're one of him?

Uni:
(confused noises)

Eric:
You guys grow up to be Wookiees?!

Eric:
Ha! I wouldn't fly in that thing if Venger was standing right next to me. (Venger comes up behind Eric)

Venger:
SEIZE THEM!

Presto:
Magic hat, I'm gonna be frank: What we need now is a twenty-ton tank. (a magic toy tank comes out of his hat)

Eric:
So Pop how long do you think you can get this jalopy up and running again?

Alfore:
Oh not long...say 15 years!

{Lost Child}:
THAT SOON?

Hank:
Presto shut it down!

Presto:
I DON'T KNOW HOW!

Presto:
Nice going Presto! First you loose your friends and then Uni. Some magician you are! Why don't you do everyone a favor and make yourself disappear?