Entourage, Season 3

[The gang hands out Aquaman premiere invites to hot girls passing by]

Drama:
It's like chummin' for sharks, Vince. You throw enough blood and guts in the water, you're bound to catch a great white.

Eric:
Yeah, except there's gonna be fifty girls at the party who all show up thinkin' they're your dates.

Turtle:
And what happens when fifty sharks show up lookin' for their goodies, E? [with Drama] Feeding frenzy!

[Vince tries to convince his mother to be with him at Aquaman's LA premiere...over the radio]

Vince:
Ma?

Mrs Chase:
Yeah, baby?

Vince:
I love you and I've never pressured you to come out. Not for any of my premieres, not when I bought my house, but I didn't realize how big a night this is until a little while ago, and it's important to me that I share it with you. So I'll send a boat, I'll send a plane, I'll do whatever I have to do, but I want you by my side when I walk down that red carpet.

Shauna:
[at engineer's room] This is moving shit.

Drama:
Yeah. It still won't work.

Vince:
Ma?

Mrs Chase:
Vince?

Vince:
Yeah?

Mrs Chase:
All right, I will do it. I'm coming. [Vince is elated]

Radio hosts:
Yeah! You gout yourself a date! [repeats last line many times]

[E is calling Ari about the blackouts and tells him where they are]

E:
We're in Northridge, the whole area's blacked out. Is this gonna affect the numbers?

Ari:
I did not even know that Northridge survived the '94 quake, E.

[Vince has just seen Ari crash the pool party the gang is in and he is worried about Aquaman's opening-day numbers]

Vince:
What are they projecting, 45?

Ari:
One-sixteen, actually.

Vince:
What?

Ari:
One-sixteen, kid!

E:
How is that possible?

Ari:
You guys ever hear of a hanging chad? [crowd is clueless] Where the f*** am I? Listen, the biggest thing the blackouts affected were the actual reporting of the numbers.

Vince:
[stunned] We beat Spider-Man?

Ari:
Well, it's only Friday, but if there isn't a tornado in the Midwest, I think we got a good goddamn shot my friend. [to crowd] Hey everybody, [points to Vince] you got the biggest movie star on the planet on your roof right now. [crowd cheers]

Ari:
[to Turtle] Hey, moron. He's 13.

Drama:
In celeb years, it's like 30.

Eric:
So what's that make you, Drama? Like, 140?

Drama:
So you're admitting I'm a celeb.

[In the kitchen, E, Turtle, and Drama are hearing the loud voices of a girl having sex with Dom]

Drama:
You hearing this guy, E?

E:
I hate being seen over here with this guy, Drama.

Drama:
It's hysterical. [Drinks coffee]

E:
Hysterical's waking up at 5am thinking somebody's been murdered.

Turtle:
Guy's been out of commission for five years, he's making up for lost time.

Drama:
[checks watch after girl reaches orgasm] Couple of minutes more he would have had my record beat.

Eric:
[Waking up at 5:30 a.m. and dialing Ari] Enjoy this, motherf***er.

Mrs Ari:
[hearing Ari's phone ring] Who died?

Ari:
No one, yet. [answers the phone] What?

Eric:
It looks like I woke you up this time, Ari.

Ari:
No, but you did wake my wife and kids, dickhead. Vinnie better be sitting in prison with a DUI or something. Is he?

Eric:
No...

Ari:
Then what the f*** do you want, cunt muscle?

[Ari has called E early in the morning]

E:
So, we had an offer?

Ari:
No, we got a problem.

E:
Oh, don't tell me that Ari, not today. You said you were sure.

Ari:
I was. I just got off the phone with Rubenstein's people. Somebody robbed his house at the party last night.

E:
What?

Ari:
Stole the original Shrek doll right out of its apparently-impossible-to-break-into case.

E:
Jesus.

Ari:
Cops are all over. I don't want to tell you E, but if this comes up smelling bad for us, you can kiss Bogota goodbye.

E:
Why would it come bad for us?

Ari:
I'm thinking about your new housemate, E.

E:
Ari, there were 300 people there.

Ari:
WELL, 299 OF 'EM DIDN'T SERVE TIME!

[Ari's daughter Sarah just ignored him while crying all the way to the house]

Ari:
Still mad at me?

Mrs Ari:
No, he's mad at Max now.

Ari:
What'd he do?

Mrs Ari:
He took a movie in Kazakhstan. [Ari gleefully makes victory gestures, but Mrs Ari sees him] I'm so glad our daughter's tears make you happy.

Ari:
Baby, those tears mean our little girl is gonna stay our little girl for at least another day.

Mrs Ari:
Awww, Ari.

Ari:
Now, how about a quick blowjob before my Vince dinner? [A disgusted Mrs Ari walks inside]

Drama:
You know what they say: "An actor with a no agent is..."

Eric:
Is what?

Drama:
Is f***ed!

[Drama reflects on Sloan's friend, who joined the group on their night out and was introduced to him and Turtle]

Drama:
She was ice cold. Did you hear what she said to me when I asked to buy her a drink?

Eric:
No, what?

Drama:
"No, thank you." What a bitch.

Ari:
People, staff meeting has been canceled. You will all have one goal today: to get Vincent Chase's brother, Johnny Chase, a job. [shows pic of Drama] Any job. I don't care if its a porn shoot in which he is being gang-raped by a gaggle of silverback apes, if there are cameras rolling, everybody wins. Ten grand to anyone that could deliver this to me today.

Lloyd:
[after following Ari out of the conference room] Can I vie for the ten grand prize also, Ari?

Ari:
Sure, but you'll get paid in yen. Now try E one more f***ing time.

[The gang talks about E feeling bad after his trifecta with Sloan and Tori]

Drama:
Freud says there are no accidents...

Eric:
Oh yeah? [To Turtle and Drama] You two crossed swords during your threesome. Accident?

Turtle:
It could be fun, Vince. Like that time you got auctioned off at the Feed the World event.

Vince:
Jesus. Remember that Cuban guy who bought me and wanted me to come live with him in Havana?

Drama:
The guy never sent me those Cuban cigars he promised. I should call.

Turtle:
Yeah. Ask him if he knows any good lefties for the Yanks' bullpen while you're at it.

Drama:
You know, Eddie Burns offered me Brothers McMullen. True story. But I took a TV show instead.

Turtle:
Was that when you did your full-frontal Red Shoe Diary?

Drama:
No. That's when I did my three-episode arc on 90210, sexually harassing Tori Spelling.

Turtle:
Nice choice.

[Barbara crashes the Gold Standard Agency's emergency meeting after Terrence denies Ari his settlement money]

Ari:
[upon seeing Babs] Hey Babs, the Traitorous Skanks Anonymous meeting is next door.

Babs:
Let's talk.

[Ari and Babs go to adjacent room]

Ari:
Can't believe that you set me up after all I've done for you.

Babs:
Ari, I need you to see your cards.

Ari:
You've seen 'em.

Babs:
How much do you need?

Ari:
[flabbergasted] What?

Babs:
Come on, I want to be partners.

Ari:
Why?

Babs:
Because I believe in you, and because I can't work with my ex-husband anymore.

Ari:
No shot, this is my deal.

Babs:
Ari, you have no money and I have too much.

Ari:
So what do you want?

Babs:
To f***...Kidding. I want 60% of my name on top.

Ari:
I'd rather f***.

Babs:
Fifty-five.

Ari:
Forty-five.

Babs:
Fifty-one.

Ari:
Forty-nine.

[Ari and Babs return to meeting]

Ari:
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you...[raises Babs' left arm] MILLER-GOLD! Huh!!? [agents cheer; to Babs] We sound like a f***ing beer.

Eric:
Hey, jerkoff. You signed him up to judge a stripper contest.

Turtle:
Really? Titties?

Eric:
It's a stripper contest.

Turtle:
Nice.

Turtle:
Wait 'til you see dinner. I got ten of the best strippers in town joining us tonight.

Drama:
Strippers - why?

Turtle:
Now shouldn't it be "Strippers - how?" and "Thank you"?

Vince:
Thank you.

[Turtle is irritated with Saigon's absence for an important meeting]

Turtle:
Where the hell is Saigon!?

Drama:
Maybe he got clipped in a drive-by.

Eric:
Remember me?

Ari:
One never forgets their first love, E.

[Vince accompanies Turtle to buying a new pair of shoes and see a long line of people outside the store]

Vince Chase:
I don't get it, all these people are in line for sneakers?

Turtle:
Yeah, some have even camped out all night.

Vince:
For sneakers?

Turtle:
Vince, these ain't just sneakers. These are limited-edition Fukijamas.

Vince:
[surprised] Fuki-what?

Turtle:
Ha...Vince, you know sometimes, you're so cultureless? Fukijama is one of the most famous graffiti artists in the world. Every year, Nike commissions him to do a limited drop; 200 pairs this year. After that, he destroys the pattern and never to be made again.

Vince:
They're holding a pair for you?

Turtle:
Nah, they refuse to do so. It's an unwritten law in America - bring a movie star, go right to the front of the line.

Vince:
Turtle, are you nuts? They'll kill us if we go to the front of the line.

Turtle:
They'll be thrilled just to get a glimpse of you.

Vince:
I'm not cutting, Turtle.

Bystander:
[clenches fist] Better to be a man of the people, Aquaman.

Turtle:
Vince, these are limited-

Vince:
Back of the line, Turtle. You're lucky I'm even willing to wait.

[E's phone is ringing just before he and Ari meet a studio exec to sell Bob Ryan's Ramones film script]

Ari:
[mimics voice prompt] If you need to put your phone on vibrate, it's your first meeting, Press 1.

[Ari has failed to get back the I Wanna Be Sedated screenplay from Alan Gray for Vince. Dana Gordon tries to tell him something]

Dana Gordon:
I'm gonna tell you something that you swear it's not gonna come back to me.

Ari:
As always, hand over heart. You know that.

Dana :
Ari, please.

Ari:
I swear.

Dana:
Alan's not gonna make this movie. He bought it just to spite Vince, and he's gonna stick it in a drawer.

Ari:
Jesus, he really is crazy.

Dana:
Mm-hmm.

Ari:
Why are you telling me this?

Dana:
Because I hate working for him and I want out. And Ari, come on, I mean, I love this movie. I grew up on the Ramones, and I love it for Vince, so get me on as a producer.

Ari:
How? It's Alan's movie.

Dana:
No. Not yet it isn't. They're still negotiating Bob's perk package, so just make sure Bob doesn't sign those papers.

Ari:
Dana, [kisses her forehead] I have NEVER cheated on my wife, not since she became my wife, but if you wanna jerk me right now in the car, I'm game.

Dana:
[smiles] Rain check, Ari.

[Ari tries one last gamble to retain Vince as his client after he discovers Vince looking at other agencies. It flops.]

Ari:
Vince, what are you doing?

Vince:
Ari, I didn't need the whole dog-and-pony show. I really thought you were different from everyone else.

Ari:
Vince, I am.

Vince:
Ari, you do things your own way and you don't give a shit what we think about it.

Ari:
I do give a shit. You should have seen me today begging and pleading to get that movie back, but it's gone. The past is the past, let's look to the future.

Vince:
You're unreal. I mean, even after you f*** up like this, you can't even muster the strength to just, as my friend, look me in the face and say "I'm sorry."

Ari:
That's all you wanted?

Vince:
That's all I wanted.

Ari:
Then I'm sorry, Vin.

Vince:
It's too late.

Ari:
Vince...

E:
Ari, you're fired.

Vince:
[to Turtle and Drama] Let's roll.

[Ari vents his frustrations at Lloyd seeing the gang watching a Lakers game on courtside seats...with Vince's new agent, Amanda]

Ari:
The Lakers game, the FUCKING Lakers game?!? Oh Jesus-the house that I built!

Lloyd:
Maybe it was his birthday present.

Ari:
You think? I put him on the court on Arbor Day and that's his present? Gosh, she's so f***ing wrong for him?

[While checking out a potential boat for Vince's birthday party, Drama sees a sidewalk ad for Five Towns]

Drama:
Shit, look at that, another billboard! I'm everywhere!

Turtle:
Spreading like the plague that you are, Drama.

Drama:
Is that guy look familiar to you?

Boat Owner:
Huh?

Drama:
That guy on the billboard, that's me.

Boat Owner:
Oh, congrats. I can't see that far without my glasses.

Drama:
[mutters] Ever heard of LASIK?

[Turtle and Drama scope out some women while walking Arnold at the dog park]

Turtle:
All right. What do you say we start with little miss fluffy-white-poodle over there?

Drama:
That's not a poodle, turtle. That's a Lhasa Apso.

Turtle:
Whatever. Check out the ass on the broad walking it.

[Ari saves Lloyd from a night out with potential client Jay Lester]

Jay Lester:
You know the old saying, "F*** Chinese and you're horny again half an hour later" - [Lloyd slaps him to the shock of a nearby crowd]

Lloyd:
I'm an American of Chinese descent [pokes Jay] and you are what, Jay? Just another overweight hack TV writer! [leaves with Ari]

Ari:
[on the way out] Remind me not to get on your bad side, Lloyd.

Lloyd:
Ari Gold, you could never.

Ari:
Everybody stop. I didn't go to the Lakers game because they're playing the f***ing Bobcats. And I came here today because I thought this was a session on how my wife could learn to communicate. How to answer a question without a question. Basic Humanity 101. Which, I thought, given your wall of f***ing diplomas, you could easily fix. Or if you couldn't, you could give her a pill that would either fix it or make her a mute. But now, to turn around and gang up on me - I have work to do. I have hundreds of clients to deal with and just so we're clear, I don't care about any of them. They're all just a number, like wife #1 and therapist #7. Good day.

Mrs. Ari:
You're really only our fifth.

[Having regained his hire-and-fire mojo from an impromptu session with his marriage therapist, Ari goes back to the office to confront Robby Rubino at the conference room for being so unproductive]

Ari:
Great work Rob, great work. See if you can read this. [writes GET THE FUCK OUT!!! on white board] You're fired, and in case your ears are f***ed, [points the door] GET THE FUCK OUT!!! And the next person I see juggling, tap-dancing, or baton-twirling or doing any other circus-like tricks will join him, alright? One-strike policy applies, now get back to work! Goddamn, that felt good.

Babs:
What happened, Ari?

Ari:
Shock therapy, Babs. [to employee munching chocolate bar] Skip it Jeannie. [grabs bar]

[Drama and Chuck Liddell have a misunderstanding over parking space]

Drama:
I ain't your friend, tough guy! Yeah, that's right I know who you are, you WWF wannabe. So you get to move your car, or do I get to move it for you?

Trista Liddell:
[sees father go down to face Drama] Daddy...

Chuck Liddell:
[looks back at her and glares at Drama] You're lucky my daughter's in the car. I'd kick every tooth in your head out.

Drama:
I'd rip off your foot while you tried.

Turtle:
[intervenes] Whoa, slow down, please don't okay? Sorry about my friend, he didn't take his meds today.

[At dinner, Ari gets rowdy over how hot Scott Siegal's fiancee is]

Ari:
Just as I'm sure wherever you got with this little hottie will be more than amazing. [slightly touches her] F*** it will be orgasmic. I mean, I'm sorry I don't mean to be rude, but ever since you got here, I have not been able to take my eyes off your ass! I mean, it's the perfect shape! It's like God came down, hand-crafted it, put it on a little silver tray, and hand-delivered it to my man, Scotty! Bravo, Scotty boy! [slams fist on table; Scott's fiancee is rankled] Bravo! I'm gonna get some Scotch!

[At Wilshire Boulevard Temple Ari and Nick Rubenstein try to convince studio president Arthur Gatoff about approving Vince's talent fee to replace Benicio del Toro in Medellin. He is not happy to see them]

Arthur Gatoff:
This is wildly inappropriate coming to my shul, this day of all days, to discuss money. I have a bad enough reputation here after the hellish divorce I've just gone through.

Ari:
At least you're at a place where you can meet a nice Jewish girl, Arthur. [Gatoff looks at him] Come on, we were at temple too. This is time sensitive, God would understand! We all have to take care of our own -

Gatoff:
Ari, I have to go back inside.

Nick Rubenstein:
Arthur, you said you'd meet Vince's quote.

Gatoff:
You said his quote was three.

Rubenstein:
I was wrong.

Gatoff:
You and your father have been wrong about a lot of things on this one, Nick. Maybe animation is more your bag.

Rubenstein:
Wow, cut the Rubensteins like that, on the high holiday...

Gatoff:
I'm sorry, forgive me.

Rubenstein:
Arthur, I forgive you, but just make a quick phone a call it'll take a second, but -

Gatoff:
Nick, I don't know what goes on at that half-church reform synagogue of yours, but here, we don't talk business on Yom Kippur. Now please, before I get angry... [leaves]

[Mrs Ari has caught Ari and Nick Rubenstein using the cellphone on Yom Kippur to negotiate for Vince working with in Paul Haggis' Medellin shoot after Benicio del Toro walks off.]

Mrs Ari:
Give me the phone. [Ari turns over phone] And the Batphone. [Ari reluctantly turns over Blackberry hidden in ankle]

[Vince gets a call from Ari who patches him to Joe Roberts, his rival for the Medellin script rights]

Vince:
Hey Joe.

Joe Roberts:
Vince?

Vince:
Yeah.

Roberts:
I was a PA on Apocalypse Now. I watched Francis almost kill himself to get that movie made. I watched him go bankrupt, watched him go mad nearly, and I idolized him for it. I never had the passion. For me it was always about the score. You seem to have that passion, Vince, but if you really don't have it and can lose it too, don't kill yourself. At the end of the day, it's only a movie. Good luck, Vince.

[Having an epiphany at the Grand Canyon, Drama has just learned that Five Towns is a huge hit.]

Johnny Drama:
Thank you God...VICTORY!!!!

[Yair Marx's wife Nika calls Vince]

Nika Marx:
Apologies for calling your partner Vincent, I somehow took your number down incorrectly.

Vince:
No worries, I never answer my phone anyway.

Nika:
We want to make this movie.

Vince:
Fantastic.

Nika:
Mamm, does it excite you?

Vince:
Yes it does, so much so [to E] They're in.

Nika:
I just have one small concern - creatively. I'd like to meet you at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel in one hour and we'll discuss. Is this okay?

Vince:
Sure.

Nika:
Oh, and one more thing, Vincent.

Vince:
Yes, Nika?

Nika:
Come alone. Ciao.

[Turtle and Kelly are making out in the car, when suddenly..]

Kelly's brother:
Daddy, Daddy, Kelly's jerking another boy in the car!

Turtle:
What are you talking about? We're just kissing! [to Kelly] What does he mean, "another boy"?

[Having sold the house Vince bought with his Aquaman bonus, the gang does one more thing before they go]

Vince:
[notices others just getting in their vehicles] Hey guys! The house - get over here. Say goodbye.

Turtle, Drama, E:
Goodbye, house.

[Billy Walsh has just read the Medellin script]

Billy Walsh:
VINNY!!!

Vince:
Yo.

Billy:
Vincent!

Vince:
Talk to me, what?

Billy:
Pablo Escobar? Pablo f***ing Escobar!?!? [goes up staircase] I've always wanted to make a movie about this guy since I read a story about him blowing up that airliner. I love Pablo Escobar.

E:
So you like the script?

Billy:
What, was I not just f***ing clear?

Vince:
Can you do it for 25 million?

Billy:
I don't see why not. I need to talk to the financier.

E:
No problem.

Billy:
I love it, Vince. Thank you. We're gonna win you an Oscar.