ER, Season 12

Sam (about Alex when he visits Steve in prison):
Steve doesn't care about us, but for some reason, that boy loves him.

Sam:
I'm like a bad trailer park version of myself.

Neela (to Clemons):
Where's Ray?

Clemons:
He never came back down from labor and delivery.

Neela:
He probably stayed upstairs to hit on one of those OB nurses.

Luka (to Sam):
My father's been bugging me to visiting. I haven't been home in a long time, and I have some vacation time coming up. So I was thinking about making a trip back to Croatia. It will only be for a couple of weeks. Maybe good for us to spend some time apart. Alex and you can hang out, and you know...

Sam:
I've already started looking for a new place.

Luka:
A new place?

Sam:
For me and Alex.

Luka:
You're moving out?

Sam:
You just said you think it would be good for us to spend time apart.

Luka:
That's not what I meant!

Sam:
I was gonna tell you. I just think that it's... I need to think things out by myself.

Luka:
Where are you going now?

Sam:
I'm going to look for an apartment before work.

Luka:
So what, we don't talk about this?

Sam:
Never seemed to do us any good before.

Morris:
Abby, Ray, Neela. No brains, no courage, no heart. All they need is a trip to see the Wizard.

Morris:
What do we do about this new nurse czar Eve something or other?

Kerry:
Peyton. She came in to meet with the Emergency Services Committee and we all loved her.

Morris:
Is it her job to slow the floor down to a crawl?

Abby:
I thought that was your job.

Morris:
My point being. All the nurses are in there, jacking away.

Abby:
They're entitled to a staff meeting, Morris.

Morris:
Not unless I say so... (Off Kerry's look) We say so... Not unless Dr. Weaver says so.

Inez (to Abby about Morris):
What does that guy do?

Abby:
Ah! He's the Chief Resident.

Inez:
No. Seriously.

Frank:
Aren't you two supposed to keep 50 feet apart or something?

Sam :
Bite me, Frank.

Frank:
If you ask me, you're better off without her.

Luka:
I didn't.

Eve:
All the department heads signed off on it, except Psych. Crazy bastards!

Morris:
That's nice Eve, maybe you can bring it up at your next "Nazi Nurse" rally.

Abby (to a driver as she walks by):
It's a crosswalk you ass...

Haleh:
What is that the rain turns the residents in this city into idiots?

Pratt (to Clemente):
Who are you?

Clemente:
Victor Clemente, your new attending and congratulations Doc, you just killed me.

Abby:
(to Luka) The last time I reached out to someone, Dubenko tried to make me his concubine.

Morris:
(about Clemente) He's annoying.

Neela:
You just said you liked his bloody shoes, you wanker!

Morris:
Just because he's annoying doesn't mean I can't like his shoes!

Neela':
(about Clemente) He's kind of hot.

Abby:
I thought you had a boyfriend.

Neela:
I do, but he's at war and so are my hormones.

Eve:
Management is a bitch.

Sam :
Yeah, it's not the only one.

Neela (to Ray):
I'm sorry.

Ray:
Why? Because I talked myself into liking some groupie who turned out to be Hilary Duff with an STD?

Abby:
We should take a core temp.

Neela:
I'm not sticking anything up this monkey's ass.

Abby:
You know, if I had a nickel for everytime I said that.

Clemente:
(talking to Robo-Dubenko) This isn't a surgical consult, my friend. If you can't get out of bed and come in to work, I don't see why we have to listen to you. OK, little mechanical bitch?

Mr. Butler:
I've got lawyers, lady.

Sam :
Yeah? Well, I've got Jerry, so unless you want to be carried out of here like a dirty diaper, I suggest you sit down.

Frank:
Well, if it isn't the "Hatchet Lady." Axe anybody else today?

Sam :
Stick a sock in it, Frank.

Neela (about Clemente and Eve's mandatory meeting):
They want us to express our feelings about what happened today.

Luka:
Well, today sucked. Good night.

Clemente:
This department needs a lot of work.

Eve:
Yeah, it needs a kick in the ass.

Neela:
Today was so... terrifying... and amazing. There was no labs, no x-rays, no rapid infusors or cut down trays, just me. Maybe it's the adrenaline, but I feel high. I need to go back out.

Abby:
Sounds like I need to call for a psych consult.

Luka:
Haleh?

Haleh:
Sam called. Good thing too. It's been over two weeks and my husband was driving me crazy.

Abby:
Dr. Kovac.

Luka (grinning):
Dr. Lockhart.

Abby:
Luka, there's something not right about Glenda.

Morris:
Hey, that sounds like a movie: "There's Something Not Right About Glenda", like "Invasion of the Body Snatchers," shaky camera and stuff.

Abby:
Morris.

Abby (to Luka):
How was your little sit-down with Weaver this morning?

Luka:
Ah, she was telling me and Dr. Clemente how charming we are.

Abby:
Oh really?

Luka:
What, you don't think I'm charming?

Abby:
I think you're extremely charming. I just also think that...

(Glenda interrupts with sudden movements)

Luka:
Whoa. Ah... She was telling us that we have to get along better, you know, be better impression to our residents and be more agreeable.

Abby:
Hm. Well, that's a lot to ask.

Luka:
What, you don't think I'm agreeable?

Abby:
I think you're agreeable, yeah.

Luka:
Yeah, you still think I'm full of sh... (Glenda smacks Abby in the head)

Abby:
Ow!

Eve (after she punches an obnoxious Santa in the nose for being rude to blind children caroling in the ER and then pours his urine sample on him):
Ho, ho, ho, you piece of crap!

(While responding to Luka's announcement that he is sending a resident home with pay)

Morris:
I.. I did the manual disimpaction!

Ray:
I did a pelvic on a three-hundred pounder!

Neela:
I debrided maggots out of a diabetic ulcer, you wankers!

Pratt:
This is going to jinx us into a night of trauma hell.

Sam:
Oh, come on. You can't fire Eve on Christmas Eve!

Luka (to Eve after she gets fired):
You'll be missed.

Eve:
Bite me!

Ray (to Kerry):
I need a few weeks off.

Kerry:
Why?

Ray:
My band got a recording deal. We're going to L.A.

Kerry:
Back away from the gurney or I will impale you with my crutch.

Ray:
Kerry.

Kerry:
Back off, Elvis.

Luka:
I don't want everything we have to come down to this one decision. (pauses) We can get past it. You did what you had to do. It doesn't mean we can't be together.

Abby:
I didn't do it. I couldn't. I want to keep it. I want us to have this baby.

Neela:
I am just trying to be professional.

Kerry:
It's annoying.

Luka (to Abby):
So, if we have twins, we need to have four of everything?

Abby:
I'm not having twins.

Luka:
Ahh, identical twins run in my family.

Abby:
Are you kidding me?

Luka:
What? I mean, chances are really small.

Abby:
If your mutant Croatian seed causes me to have twins, I ...

Luka:
Listen, look at it from the sunny side. If we have a custody fight, each one of us is going to take a kid.

Pratt (to Morris):
Wait. What are you doing man? (Morris unbuttons his shirt) You got extra nipples?

Morris:
Yes! Red hair, porcelain skin and four nipples. You know what gym class was like for me growing up? Hey, nipple boy, here here little piggy, look it's the ugly suckling! I heard them all

(Ray comes behind the curtain too)

Morris:
Hey! We don't knock?

Ray:
On a curtain? What are you guys doing with my patient anyway?

Pratt:
Nothing. Morris was just showing me his extra pair of nipples.

Morris:
Oh my God! I can't believe you just violated my doctor patient privilege!

Pratt:
I'm not your doctor, Morris and you sure as hell ain't my patient.

Ray:
Wow, look at those! That is freaky! You should get them all pierced, wear 'em like chain mail.

Lennox:
I don't want to be a soul trapped in a corpse.

Luka (to Lennox):
People with degenerative diseases do best when they have . . .

Lennox:
Hope? Do you read the papers? Bush just banned funding for embryonic stem cell research. I'm trying to hold on to hope, Doctor, but nobody's cooperating these days.

Ray:
No more overnights for Abby.

Morris:
Yeah, Kovac, your woman's starting to sound a little cooky.

Abby:
Oh, Morris, I swear to God, if you ever- ever- refer to me as someone's 'woman' again, I will slap you silly with this hole-punch!

Morris:
Why are you still here?

Abby:
Uh, 'cause my fridge at home was empty and I was hungry

Morris:
[looking at the ice cream sandwich she is eating] Didn't I see you eating one of those 20 minutes ago?

Abby:
This is my third.

Morris:
Third? What are you, pregnant?

[pause, then Abby tries to act like this idea is crazy]

Abby:
What? What are you talking about?

Morris:
Oh my God, you are!

Abby:
You're crazy.

Morris:
You are, aren't you??

Abby:
No...

Morris:
You are totally pregnant!

Abby:
So what, you're in love with Albright.

Morris:
I am not!

Abby:
Oh Morris, come on.

Morris:
You shut up.

Abby:
You shut up too.

Morris:
You shut up first!

Pratt:
Shut up about what?

Morris:
Nothing.

Abby:
Nothing.

Carter:
The Janjaweed have turned this place into the wild wild west.

Kerry:
Dr. Clemente is an excellent physician with some personal issues. That's certainly nothing new around here.

Abby:
(noticing a gift basket full of baby items) Hey, what's this?

Frank:
Oh, that's for you and the little bastard.

Abby:
Thanks, Frank.

Kerry:
Hey, congratulations!

Abby:
Thank you. It was supposed to be a secret. (looks pointedly at Morris)

Morris:
Wha- everybody was saying you were getting puffy! I was trying to defend you!

Abby:
I'm getting puffy?

Luka:
You're not getting puffy.

Abby (to Morris):
Got anything for me, Chief?

Morris:
Oh, yes. For you: Anal warts.

Abby:
Every girl's dream.

Morris (to Neela about her cookies):
Yeah, uhm... After careful consideration from your ER peers, plus Hector in janitorial services...

Frank:
Just the feeling is, your cookies are...

Ray:
The worst cookies ever made in the history of baking.

Neela:
(laughingly) Shut up. (long, silent pause, then angrily, while leaving) Bollocks to you all!

Morris:
(calling after Neela) The truth hurts!

Morris (to Richard Elliott):
Did you hit your head when you passed out?

Richard Elliott:
I don't think so, but then I was unconscious at the time.

Dubenko:
You know, I once ate a hash brownie before giving a big talk in Amsterdam. I mistakenly thought that it would take an hour to kick in...suddenly I was up on stage, completely out of my head, lecturing to a room full of biochemists in a faux French accent.

Morris:
Abby, you get fever rash. I will take dog bite to the ear lobe. Wait, no...you take dog bite and I'll take the rash. It could be Rubella. We wouldn't want our baby getting a torch infection.

Abby:
What?

Morris:
Torch infection. You know, herpes.

Abby:
I know what a torch infection is.

Morris:
Then you know it wouldn't be good for our baby.

Abby:
Why do you keep calling it "our" baby?

Morris:
I don't mean our baby like you and me. I mean like our baby, like an ER mascot.

Abby:
This baby isn't anybody's mascot. (she walks away).

Morris:
Oh, come on! Don't go away mad!

Frank (while taking a picture of Morris with his "kids"):
Okay, everybody say "Freak."

Abby:
Good Lord, what is that?

Luka:
What?

Abby:
That smell. It's really bad. It smells like... ass.

Neela:
You do realize how close you are to the ER?

Luka:
Abby, we...we need to finish our talk.

Abby:
No, we don't actually cause you know what, I understand.

Luka:
No, no you don't.

Abby:
No, I do.

Luka:
Listen...

Abby:
No, you listen, I - I mean...sorry. I just..I...I'm...you know what? I know that we're not married and um...and we don't live together and we really haven't defined our relationship and I know that that's mostly, probably all because of me, but you looked at me and said that we were going to do this together. And I know that you'll be back before the baby's born, but I just...I just hate that you wanna go, and I hate that I hate that you wanna go, but I'm just a little bit...scared, Luka and um...I don't want to do this by myself, but if I have to I - I can and I will.

Luka:
I'm sending Pratt.

Abby:
To help me with the baby?

Luka:
To Darfur. He... he... he.. He volunteered. Long story.

Abby:
(to Luka) Look, I know in Croatia you grew up like "Ozzie and Harriet" and I'm sorry you probably don't even know what "Ozzie & Harriet" is.

Clemente:
(to Pratt) Have fun in the motherland!

Abby:
The thing is, yes it's gonna get harder and harder, but that doesn't mean that right now they're not better off together.

Luka:
Like you were better off with your mother? (Abby gives him a look) Sorry.

Pratt:
Okay, either those are the good guys and we're saved or the bad guys and we're dead. Either way, I'm done walking.

Pratt:
What did she say?

Dakarai:
She said we were angels. I told her there are no angels here.

Pratt:
Speak for yourself.

Michael:
[On his video to Neela] So... hopefully you're never gonna see this thing. But if you are, then something went wrong. Well, maybe not wrong, but certainly not according to plan. I love you, Neela. Marrying you was the happiest day of my life. You just, you make me strong. Now, I know you didn't want me to come back to Iraq. And if you're watching this, you owe me a big I told you so, but I did what I had to do. You're the most beautiful and kind person that I know. I just, want you to be happy. And just know that I'll always be with you. I want you to find somebody, get married, have a baby. Of course he won't be as fine as me, but you'll just gonna have to live with that. I love you Neela. Forever.

Luka:
Everything alright with you?

Pratt:
Yeah, why?

Luka:
Sometimes it can be a difficult transition, coming back to this place.

Pratt:
I'll be o.k. I was just a little rattled earlier. Cause of the whole Mike situation.

Luka:
Well, good to have you back.

Pratt:
Hey, thanks for making me go there.

Luka:
Someday maybe you can tell me all about it?

Pratt:
Yeah, someday.

Clemente:
Abby, You can't give me Haldol. You can't give me Haldol, Abby. I'm not crazy. You understand?

Abby:
It's o.k, it's o.k.

Clemente:
Hey Ray! Come here, buddy, come here. Come here buddy, come here buddy. These freaking chicks are losing their minds. Come here and help me man!

Abby:
Get Luka.

Clemente:
[to paramedic] What are you gonna amputate my leg? (to Ray) Yeah, run to daddy, little bitch. Run to daddy little bitch.

Clemente:
Get a head CT.

Kovac:
What is wrong with you?!

Clemente:
I'm trying to help you, that's all.

Kovac:
You don't listen to a word anybody says! You're all over the place!

Ray:
Did she just call you Mo?

Morris:
It'a nickname. For Morris.

Abby:
Or homo.

Morris:
Ey, don't worry. That little vixen is getting punished tonight. Oh yeah, she's in store for a little (sings) Mo, Mo, Morris. How do you like it, how do you like it? Oh, yeah, Morris!

Ray:
Get outta here.

Morris:
I swear! She invited me in for a drink, the door wasn't even closed, she was tearing my clothes off.

Ray:
Yeah, right.

Morris:
To quote my man Rick James, the girl is a superfreak. (sings) Superfreak, she's super freaky yeaow! She had sex toys I'd never seen before. They must've been German or something. One took two hands to operate.

Ray:
Morris!

Morris:
Check it out. (picks up his camera-phone) Oh yeah, I tapped that.

Ray:
What exactly am I looking at?

Morris:
That's Albright.

Ray:
Where?

Morris:
Right there!

Ray:
I've seen more convincing pictures of Bigfoot.

Morris:
But, but it was dark, I couldn't use the flash!

(Luka and Abby discuss the possibility of taking a vacation while holding each other)

Abby:
We could hang out by a pool... the ocean...

Luka:
I could dig a hole in the sand for your big belly.

Abby:
(Abby looks up at Luka and smiles) What is that? Some sort of Croatian mating ritual?

Luka:
Uh-hum.

Abby:
Am I a sea turtle?

Neela:
I had to come home and find a photograph because I couldn't picture him in my head.

Morris:
I call no more kids. I'm sick of getting bit, kicked and pissed on.

Abby:
I guess that means you stopped dating too, huh?

Kerry:
You know, I'm not down there, Donald. I don't run the ER anymore.

Dr. Anspaugh:
Which leads me to a second issue. The board has concerns about Dr.Kovac's ability to manage the department.

Kerry:
You're not serious.

Dr. Anspaugh:
Are you satisfied with the job he's doing?

Kerry:
He's doing the best he can with what he has.