Frasier, Season 11

Frasier and Roz recall the occasion when they slept together two years previously

Frasier:
I seem to recall hearing the term "stallion-like"

Roz:
I never said that

Frasier:
Well, one of us did!

Daphne and Niles have just read the pregnancy test

Niles:
But my slow sperm...

Daphne:
I must have fast eggs!

Niles has observed Frasier's unfortunate dating pattern

Frasier:
I'd like to strike you, of course, but you speak the truth!

Niles is encouraging Frasier to commit to commitment. Despite the glib expression, he is inspired

Frasier:
I am going to call Julia, and I will not take "no" for an answer! I may have walked in here the old fault-finding, flaw-fleeing Flasier, but I leave a man committed to commitment!

Niles:
[grinning] You said Flasier.

Frasier:
I did not!

Alistair Burke has just appeared in Café Nervosa

Frasier:
He is only the head of the Seattle Opera Guild, and one of the finest directors in the world!

Niles:
His productions are brilliant! He staged a Philip Glass opera last year and no one left.

Martin:
Let's see. One of my sons just got picked up by a guy. My other son is jealous. Yep, life is good!

Ronee:
I'm gonna take a little break. Try not to kill yourselves from disappointment.

Frasier:
Dad, you know, you really ought to slow down there. [to Ronee] You know, at his age, one slip and it's the ICU and then it's I-see-ya later.

Martin:
Well, I wouldn't worry about me, Fras'. I don't feel any older now than I did when you were parading around in your mother's heels. [everyone laughs] Of course, that was just last Christmas.

Frasier does not appreciate being set up by Roz

Frasier:
I have standards. Haven't you ever heard of waiting for Miss Right?

Roz:
Yeah, well, Miss Right has standards too, and she's not looking to meet Mr Mothball.

Frasier is just about to part company with Ann

Ann:
Well, here we are. The awkward part.

Frasier:
Oh, it's not awkward at all. I'd be delighted to pay for your cab. Here we are. (hands over money and runs)

Frasier:
Welcome. Whether our journey together lasts for years or just one day, I can't tell you how excited I am to take this first step with you.

[He says this first to the temp receptionist, then to four successive patients who all disappear within minutes]

[Niles is having a panic attack in the kitchen during the baby shower]

Martin:
Calm down, Niles.

Niles:
I can't! I'm telling her another lie every time I open my mouth!

Martin:
Oh, get a grip on yourself, man! It's called marriage!

Niles has had a nervous breakdown and stripped naked in Café Nervosa

Waiter:
I'm calling the cops!

Roz:
The hell you are! This man's tips alone have probably paid for all the pot you'll ever smoke!

Frasier:
It's as if you'd forgotten that not three days ago I was... punched in the face...by a man now dead.

He says this, changing time intervals to suit the moment, throughout the episode. Each time, everyone falls reverently silent.

Frasier:
Thank you!

Frasier:
I was having the most distressing dream; I was climbing up a volcano, that was spewing ice instead of lava.

Daphne:
An ice volcano. I wonder what that could mean.

Frasier checks his messages

Voice on the answering machine:
Hello, it's Lilith.

Frasier, Martin and Daphne:
[with sudden realization] Oh, well.

Niles:
Shouldn't you get the door?

Martin:
You're closer.

Niles:
I don't live here.

Martin:
Doesn't matter. You're family.

Niles:
So's Daph…

Daphne:
[interrupts] Oh no, you don't!

Lilith:
[from outside] Maybe if you slid me a key, I could let myself in.

Roz arrives at the awards ceremony with her insufferably smug sister

Denise:
Roz, are you sure this dress didn't fit you? Because I'm just swimming in it.

Roz:
(to a waiter) Two Bloody Marys, please. And there's a 20 in it for you if one of them's poisoned. I don't even care which one.

[Frasier has just seen Frederick's goth girlfriend, and is reeling from the shock]

Niles:
Well, at least he's not dating outside the faith.

[Niles has just announced his rebellious plans to Frasier]

Frasier:
What?!

Niles:
I've waited for this all my life, Frasier. One act of utter, devil-may-care, crotch-grabbing brazenness! And of course, I'll have a nurse on speed-dial in case things get too hairy.

A caller on Frasier's radio show has suddenly become involved in a domestic argument

Morrie's daughter:
I'm running away from home!

Morrie:
Oh, hang up the phone, Britney! You're not going anywhere!

Frasier:
[calmly] And neither is this conversation. [cuts them off]

Frasier steps onto the scales at the weigh-in on television

Presenter:
Ouch! 1lb heavier, Fras'!

Frasier:
That can't be! I've added a salad to every meal!

Martin:
I just walked in on your insurance lady taking a sponge bath!

Frasier:
Dear God! Which sponge?

Daphne has a surprising reaction to the painting of Niles

Daphne:
(smiling) That's what our son would look like if I were a goat.

Niles arrives at Frasier's place. He has had a very bad day

Niles:
I need a sherry.

Frasier:
Brace yourself!

Niles:
[sees the empty bottle] You always think it's going to happen to someone else.

Martin takes charge

Martin:
[to Daphne] You're gonna lose your looks? Happens to everyone. [to Frasier] You're afraid you're gonna end up alone? You'll still have your family. [to Niles] You're afraid you're gonna be a bad father? Join the club! [to all three] Now just clam up and go to bed!

Frasier:
If truth be told, it's been a while since I...romped with abandon through the perfumed gardens of Eros.

Roz:
Next time you say something like that, cover my ears.

Nanette:
Do you have any idea what it's like to play the same character for twenty years?!

[Niles is appalled when he learns the reason for his father's heart attack.]

Niles:
(to Frasier) Look at you! You just stand there with a smile on your face.

Frasier:
That's make-up, you idiot!

Frasier and Niles discuss the possibility of a future without Martin

Frasier:
Now, I can't imagine life without him.

Niles:
It would be very hard to walk into this apartment and see that chair…and know that Dad wasn't here anymore.

Frasier:
Oh, I'd get rid of that chair immediately.

Niles does not want to get involved in undoing Frasier's criminal activity

Frasier:
Fine, I'll do it myself! Here, hold this for me. (hands Niles the stolen item)

Niles:
What for?

Frasier:
[grabs it back] Now your prints are on it too, you have to help me!

Niles:
Fiend!

Frasier claims that Niles is afraid of spiders…then also that he is afraid of heights…then also of crowds

Frasier:
You are looking at that rarest of beasts: the arachno-acro-agoraphobe!

[Daphne's doula insists on a drug-free childbirth, and Roz, as a mother, can hardly believe her ears.]

Harvest:
A natural childbirth needn't be painful.

Roz:
It needn't be, but it be!

[Daphne changes her mind about the natural birth after seeing a video of one.]

Daphne:
I'm having my baby the way God intended: in a hospital, numb from the waist down!

Niles has discovered fast food. Frasier remains unconvinced

Daphne:
I guess he's got the fast food bug.

Frasier:
And which one would that be? E. coli?

Frasier explains his strategy for winning Charlotte over

Frasier:
I am merely going present myself as the anti-Frank.

Niles:
Ah, so you're going to be not rugged and not handsome. Interesting.

Frasier:
No…

Niles:
You could also be not passionate and not committed.

Frasier:
Very funny.

Niles:
Maybe she'd like you if you were not interesting and not informed…

Frasier:
Niles!

[Charlotte has just told Frasier that she no longer remembers what she and Frank were fighting about.]

Frasier:
[to Niles] You know what that means, don't you? They had a long night of acrobatic make-up sex.

Niles:
I've just thought of another way you could be the anti-Frank.

Frasier:
I've always been a sucker for that romantic movie-ending goodbye. A fog-shrouded train platform, a passionate kiss.

Charlotte:
With a romantic dip.

Frasier:
Yes, well, maybe I am, but there are damn few of us left.

Charlotte:
(leans back) Dip. Dip.

Frasier:
I had a great time with you today. With somebody else, it would've been a disaster.

Charlotte:
With somebody else, I would've been in Portland.

Frasier:
Roz is dropping by with someone she wanted me to meet.

Niles:
Ooh, a lady friend?

Frasier:
[sarcastic] No, we're going to form a jazz trio, Niles.

[Niles is drowning his sorrows after separating from Maris]

Roz:
Alice is so cute! She fell asleep hugging her bottle.

Niles:
I'm right behind her!

Charlotte is cooking dinner with Frasier

Charlotte:
We're such a cliché: the little woman at the stove, the big rugged man with his brawny arm…

Frasier:
[interrupts] Oh, the hollandaise is breaking!

Frasier:
I've had enough easy goodbyes, I'm kind of glad to have the chance to have another tough one.

After spending time with Daphne's brothers, Niles is worried about his child

Niles:
The idea that our son might take after them is making me crazy!

Frasier:
Now Niles, just remember, those hearty Crane genes are in there, too.

Niles:
Oh, please. Those Moon genes have probably beaten our genes up and stolen their lunch money!

Frasier:
[Last lines on his KACL talk show] For eleven years you've heard me say, "I'm listening." Well, you were listening, too. And for that I am eternally grateful. Goodnight, Seattle.

Flight Attendant:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Chicago..."

Frasier:
[Last Lines, to Anne] Wish me luck. [Fades to black]

Alistair Burke:
Frasier, this apartment is stunning.

Frasier:
Thank you.

Alistair Burke:
The view - breathtaking; the art - perfect; the chair - hilarious.