Frasier, Season 6

Frasier is still in denial

Frasier:
I am going to get another job. The people of this city need me. I'm a beloved Seattle institution.

Martin:
(to Niles) A couple more days like this, he's gonna be in a beloved Seattle institution.

Daphne is relieved when Martin and Niles arrive, as Frasier is depressed after his disastrous job interview

Daphne:
He mumbled something about it being worse than the Dresden première of Schumann's Second Symphony.

Niles:
(panics) And you left him alone?!

Frasier announces his alternative plans for the evening, after deciding not to attend the reunion

Frasier:
Tonight, I'll be coming back home and spending the evening with Daphne, doing some light housework and listening to my new book on tape: "Depression, Anxiety and Death" as read by the author himself, Stanislav Monk.

Daphne:
Now who's cursed?!

[Niles sees Roz and Martin having coffee together.]

Niles:
I'm not interrupting anything personal, am I?

Roz:
[sarcastically] Yeah, Niles, we just eloped. I'm your new mom.

Niles:
Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.

Daphne announces that maybe it is time she moved on, since Martin may not need her help any more

Daphne:
I'm not like a psychiatrist, who works with someone for years and years and it doesn't matter if they ever get better.

Niles is trying to learn how to smoke, before Stephen Kendall joins him for a cigarette at the interval

Niles:
I haven't held a cigarette since I played Duke Mantee in our junior high production of The Petrified Forest.

Frasier:
Yes, I remember watching you from the petrified audience.

Frasier decides to attempt a reconciliation with Marie

Frasier:
Sometimes the best apology is the truth.

Niles:
You mean you're going to tell her you thought she was prostituting herself for therapy but now you've decided that's OK?

Frasier:
(pause) Well, not that truth. Some other truth!

Niles suggests that Frasier may find Marie fascinating because her problems give him a psychiatric challenge

Frasier:
Niles, Marie is a stunning woman with a body to die for, and you think all I'm interested in is her mind? How shallow do you think I am?

Martin:
(looking at a gift that came nestled in shredded paper) Look at this mess. Ah, it's too bad it's not bubble wrap. Ha! You don't know what funny is until you've seen Eddie go after a sheet of that stuff. Poppity-pop-pop-pop! He gets all scared and runs away, and then he screws up his courage and comes back again, and - poppity-pop-pop! - he runs away again. Yeah, I watched him for an hour one time. You know, it's amazing how entertained he can be by somethin' so simple... Poppity-pop-pop-pop! (laughs)

Niles tells how he returned Maris' gifts and made it clear to her that it was all over

Niles:
She didn't get mad. In fact, she was eerily calm. She just stood there with a blank stare on her face, rubbing her ocelot.

Martin:
You know, they got a cream for that.

Frasier's date was a disaster, and Maris is threatening to ruin Niles

Niles:
I'll be stripped clean and devoured like an animal!

Frasier:
And I won't be!

Niles has made an emergency stop in his hatchback and fallen off the seat. He is talking to Frasier and Martin on the car phone

Niles:
Dad, come quickly! I need your help.

Martin:
Oh, my God! What is it?

Niles:
I need you to get up here and pretend this is your car.

Martin has been on an epic journey through Niles' apartment to bring him some aspirin

Niles:
(reads the box) This aspirin's expired.

Martin:
Well, it wasn't when I found it.

Daphne chastises Martin for flirting with her friend Pam

Martin:
Well, she was flirting right back. I saw her giving me the once-over.

Daphne:
Yeah, she looked once and it was over.

Niles is suspected of murder after he is seen dumping a body into the sea from a rowing boat

Niles:
My wife is alive! She's in Antwerp having her elbows done!

Frasier:
Oh, give it up, Niles. Even I didn't believe that one!

Niles:
Dad, have you seen Frasier's frittata pan?

Martin:
(looks at him) Hi, Marty Crane. I don't believe we've met.

Helen asks Niles to propose a toast, and he is keen to uphold the Jewish façade

Niles:
L'Chaim! Mazal Tov! Next year in Jerusalem!

Frasier:
[quietly] Take it down a notch, Tevye.

This continues when Martin discovers the guests and complains that no one informed him

Frasier:
Niles, why don't you see if you can go help Dad in the kitchen?

Niles:
Oh, all right, but he'll probably just kvetch at me and frankly I don't need the tsuris…

Frasier:
Niles! [mouths] Half that!

Niles has come to the police station to bail Frasier out.

Niles:
(to the desk sergeant) Excuse me, if you could get our bill together, we're ready to settle up here.

Frasier sits his son down and tries to explain the trouble he has been in

Frasier:
For the next couple of days, you're going to hear some rather nasty stories and some snide jokes about your old man.

Frederick:
Mom's coming?

Roz has just mimed a Hail Mary pass to help Frasier out when a caller starts talking about American football

Roz:
I'm impressed you're so good at charades.

Frasier:
I'm impressed you could mime a virgin.

Frasier and Roz worry about growing old alone, and Frasier casually suggests a pact

Roz:
You mean, like, in forty years, if neither one of us finds anyone…

Frasier:
Yeah, exactly, we'll marry each other.

Roz:
I was gonna say kill each other.

Frasier returns from a terrible evening at the karaoke bar

Frasier:
For starters, Woody sang "What Kind of Fool Am I?" Quickly turned into an audience participation number. Then Gil and Noel did a charming duet with "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better". They were both wrong.

Woody has announced he has to leave Seattle ahead of schedule, having learned that his daughter has an ear infection

Frasier:
Goodbye, Woods. (closes the door) God bless the virus that invaded that little girl's ear canal!

Niles:
I wanted to whisper it to her over a candlelight dinner, not have it read back to her by a court stenographer.

Niles does not appreciate Roz teasing him when she finds out about his feelings for Daphne

Niles:
Obviously you've never let someone you've grown to care deeply about get away.

Roz:
Well, sure I have.

Niles:
I'm not talking about when the migrant workers leave at the end of the picking season.

Martin and Frasier are leaving the cottage

Martin:
Well, come on, Frasier, let's go get a nice Sloppy joe. I'll pay for it.

Frasier:
Something tells me I'll pay for it too.

The message from the Walburts start Frasier and Niles arguing about who "that other one" refers to

Niles:
This is absurd! Why don't we just call Allison up and ask her what she thinks is so strange about us? We can both get on an extension.

Frasier:
(sarcastic) Better yet, why don't we just get on a bicycle built for two, ride over there and ask her what's so strange about us.

Nina Duncan has phoned to announce that the Joaquín she will be bringing is her foster child

Niles:
So, he's not the conductor of the Buenos Aires Philharmonic?

Frasier:
Oh, you are so "that other one"!

Niles tries to cover up the death of Baby by pretending she is tired from travelling

Mrs Latimer:
You didn't take her with you to Africa, surely?

Niles:
Well, she has family there.

Carol Larkin has just suggested a party game of "Murder"

Mrs. Latimer:
Oh, Martin, there you are! Come, hide with me. I know a little nook where no one will find us.

Martin:
This game's a lot scarier than I thought!

Daphne is in the middle of an online conversation with Donny, and asks Niles what he is saying now

Niles:
Er, "I can't wait to come home and see my wittle Engwish cwumpet". Apparently he has some sort of typing impediment.

As soon as Niles has left, Frasier decides that he must not be upstaged at the lunch on account of his IQ

Frasier:
Niles will be sitting there rambling on with the geniuses about the cosmos, black holes, matter, antimatter, and I won't matter at all!

Niles is trying to grow a moustache. So far it is barely visible

Niles:
I grant you, it's at an early stage.

Frasier:
What stage? Research and development?

Roz has been flirting with Dr. Nora's producer, George, while Frasier declares war on Dr. Nora herself

Roz:
You don't actually buy all this "no sex" stuff of hers, do you?

George:
Yeah!

Roz:
Well, it's WAR!

Niles learns that Frasier had a date the previous evening, and expresses his condolences, assuming it went badly.

Niles:
A brisk game of squash would be the best thing for you. I can't think of a better way to lift your spirits.

[Enter Cassandra]

Cassandra:
Good morning.

Frasier:
Keep thinking.

Frasier now has both Faye and Cassandra in the apartment, each unaware of the other's presence. Niles has only seen Cassandra.

Frasier:
This is a disaster!

Niles:
What is?

[Faye enters.]

Faye:
Hi, Niles.

Niles:
Oh, I'm up to speed!

Niles:
Got anymore hiding in the Grotto, Hef?

Daphne tells Frasier about Niles' advice regarding her vision

Daphne:
Unlike you, he believes in my visions. He knows I have a gift. (exit)

Frasier:
Yes, and he's been trying to unwrap it for six years!

Daphne tells Niles about her vision

Niles:
[excited] I think I know who this person is.

Daphne:
You do?

Niles:
Yes.

Daphne:
Well, I don't see how you could. I couldn't tell myself. He was standing in the shadows and I couldn't see his face. All I could make out was that he was wearing a red bow tie.

Niles:
I don't have a... [realises] clue why anyone would wear such a thing to a wedding.

Frasier wants to know what happened to his favorite scented candle in the bathroom

Daphne:
I'm going to let my attorney handle this one.

Donny:
I'm sorry, Frasier, you know. I guess after a little champagne we got into the mood, and into the nude, and into the tub. And don't worry; we'll replace the candle.

Frasier:
If only you could replace the image.

Kit is out smoking on Frasier's balcony, and coughing at intervals

Niles:
She's so free, so spontaneous. She has breathed new life into me.

Frasier:
You may have to return the favor.

Roz:
Frasier, it's all in how you look at things. Look at my life...

Frasier:
[crying] No career, no relationship, no hope!

Roz:
You can say the same thing about me.

Frasier:
I was talking about you!

Frasier:
Niles, there is another way.

Niles:
You don't mean...

Frasier:
Yes. I know it's a calculated risk. It is a little uncertain.

Niles:
You can't be serious. It's unthinkable.

Frasier:
Niles, what other choice do we have?

Niles:
But the indignity, it reeks of desperation.

Martin:
Now, now, before you do anything desperate, at least go stand in the cancellation line.

Niles:
What did he think we were talking about?

After the police arrive, Fraiser tries to explain the situation to Officer McLean.

McLean:
You found a dead seal?

Frasier:
Yes.

McLean:
And it was wearing a peignior?

Frasier:
Now that's ludicrous. We put the pegnoir on it!

Bulldog:
I got canned last Friday for saying something on the air. I was talking with this golfer chick who said she wants to enter the Women's Open. Like I'm supposed to leave that alone.

Frasier:
Dad, we are talking about perjury! When is that ever acceptable?

Martin:
Oh, you want an example? Fine! Let's say, uh, what if there was a comet hurtling towards the earth...

Frasier:
Oh, for God's sake!

Martin:
And you were the only person who could save the earth, but the only way to do it is by lying under oath. Would you do it then?

Frasier:
Who am I lying to, the comet?

Martin:
Oh, just answer the question!

Frasier:
All right, I suppose in certain extreme cases...

Martin:
So, then you'd lie?

Frasier:
To save mankind from a talking comet, yes!

Frasier:
I can't believe you're being so casual about this. You realise your asking me to do something entirely unethical?

Martin:
Oh for God's sake. Nobody's even going to know!

Frasier:
That's the point! Ethics are what we do when no-one else is looking. For heaven's sake I learned that from you. Are you saying you wouldn't have any trouble with this?

Martin:
Let me tell you something. One time when I was on the force I saw a guy shoot somebody. When we caught him I started to read him his rights. But he slipped out of his cuffs and he swung at me so I didn't have a chance to finish. Two months later, I'm on the stand and his lawyer asks me if I read him his rights in full. Now, if I say no, this guy walks. And this guy's been in and out of jail all his life; he could have read me his rights. So I say "Yes, I did, I read them in full." I lied under oath. Now you might think I did an unethical thing but there's not a doubt in my mind that I did the right thing.

Fraiser has brought in Dr. Nora's mother to reconcile and to end their war as Roz shows Mrs. Mulhern in. Frasier lowers the receiver so Nora doesn't hear him say:

Frasier:
Mrs. Mulhern. [Mrs. Mulhern goes into the radio booth and stands behind Nora].

Mulhern:
You little whore! [Four sets of jaws drop — Frasier's, Roz's, George's and Nora's].

Nora:
MOTHER!

Mulhern:
So, you thought you could get away from me, did you? Thought you could leave me to rot in that dump without barely enough cash for a bottle of Mateus! You'll pay for that, missy!

Roz:
[jumping for joy] I was wrong, Frasier! Your way is better! [Frasier tries to enter the booth].

Frasier:
Mrs. Mulhern— [She shoves him out and locks the door].

Mulhern:
Keep out of this!

Nora:
Mother, please! I am doing my show!

Mulhern:
Yes, you're Little Miss Perfect now, aren't you? Telling everybody else how wicked they are! They should hear about your past! [Frasier tries to enter through the other door].

Frasier:
Mrs. Mulhern, please! [She shoves him out and locks the other door].

Mulhern:
The shame you brought on me, you ungrateful tramp!

Nora:
[crying] Mother, please, I'm a good girl now.

Mulhern:
How you were paid — paid! — to leave town, by that nice boy's family.

Frasier:
For God's sake, Nora, go to a commercial!

Nora:
There, Seattle, now you know what I mean when I say there are some people you just don't need in your life! [goes to commercial] Help me out, George! [She throws off her headphones and rushes into the producer's booth].

Mulhern:
What are they paying you here? I want my cut! [George closes the door and fights to hold it shut].

Nora:
I knew that you hated me, but I just can't believe you could be so cruel!

Frasier:
I was trying to help! She seemed delightful on the phone!

Mulhern:
[knocking on the glass] I want fifty dollars right now!

Nora:
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO MOVE BEFORE I'M FINALLY RID OF HER?! [She runs out into the hallway. Mrs. Mulhern goes out the other door to head her off].

Frasier:
[yelling after her] Nora, I'm sorry!

Mulhern:
[yelling after her] You owe me, missy! I gave you life! [Nora screams like a madwoman while George runs out after them]].

Roz:
Frasier, we've got dead air! [Frasier goes into the radio booth while Roz shuts the doors and grabs some carts]

Frasier:
[hits "On Air"] Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm sure Dr. Nora's listeners join me in hoping she and her mother can resolve these differences very soon. They're off to a bit of a bumpy start. [Nora screams again as the chase takes them by the booth].

Frasier:
But at least the lines of communication are open.

[Another scream comes, louder and clearly audible over the air. Frasier can only gape at Roz].