Full House, Season 1

Danny:
Let's go mom, your bags are in the cab, the meter's running.

Claire:
The baby's sleeping like a baby.

Jesse:
(Seeing how small his closet is) Oh, great. I'm living in Webster's room.

D.J.:
Rule #1, you never touch my stuff. You should be taking notes. Rule #2, you never set foot on my half of the room.

Stephanie:
How do I get outta here?

D.J.:
Easy, you jump out the window and climb down the tree.

Stephanie:
I don't think so.

D.J.:
Suit yourself.

Stephanie:
I'll find a way out.

Jesse:
Now you can have ice cream and chocolate milk, no cookies.

Stephanie:
Boy are you strict!

D.J.:
Two bowls of ice cream sure gives you a lot of pep, huh?

Stephanie:
Does pep mean you can’t blink?

Stephanie:
Okay, wanna listen to the pledge? I pledge allegiance to the flag of some states of America.

D.J.:
Let me tuck you in, very tight.

Stephanie:
And to the public which understands, with God, and Liberty... I'm dead meat!

Danny:
Steph, don’t you want to go to school and be smart?

Stephanie:
I’ll stay home and watch public television.

Stephanie:
(after Danny, Jesse and Joey have cleaned the house) Grandma Irene, does this mean hell is freezing over?

Danny:
D.J., go put Annie Oakley in her bunkhouse. Jesse, find a corral for Trigger. Joey, I’m out of cowboy metaphors, so let’s put away the grub. I was wrong, I had one more.

Jesse:
Danny, this kid has been walking for three days and you haven’t stopped taping. I’ll feel sorry for her when she starts potty training.

Stephanie:
That's grandma, we gotta buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz off!

D.J.:
Oh dad, after Stephanie’s recital, can we hit the big sale at the Fashion Mart. Everything is half off.

Danny:
Of course, that doesn’t save me any money, because you’ll just buy twice as much stuff, right?

D.J.:
I like your attitude.

Danny:
Sorry I’m late. I was doing a feature on “Great Moments in Bowling”, and I got hung up when I couldn’t find a second moment.

Sandman:
Lou, you fired.

Jesse:
[on the phone with Michelle’s doctor]: Of course I know how to take her temperature. You simply put the thermometer under her ... [pause] Where? Joey, it’s for you.

Danny:
Hold on, Steph, I'm gonna call the cable company.

Stephanie:
You'll get a busy signal....fix it!

Corinna:
I love kids. That’s why I became a teacher.

Joey:
It’s why I never grew up.

Corinna:
You seem pretty grown up to me.

Joey:
Oh yeah, I’m the only guy in the world who has Abe Lincoln’s head on a stick.

Danny:
Who wants white meat? (cuts the turkey) Scratch the white meat. We have dark meat and really dark meat.

Jesse:
You waltz in here 25 minutes late and expect sympathy?

Danny:
I didn't know...

Jesse:
I have cleaned the house, and washed and ironed your clothes, and ran a daycare center for socially deviant munchkins, and missed Oprah. Ran this one to a ballet lesson, this one to a dentist. [shows D.J.'s teeth] No cavities, thank you very much. Do you realize I have slaved over a hot stove so you could have a hot meal when you come home?! Huh?! Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?

Danny:
Jesse, I'm sorry.

Jesse:
"Sorry". "Sorry". "Sorry" doesn't change the fact that my chicken tetrazzini is ruined! Ruined! It's all dried out. But do you have the common courtesy to call me and tell me you're going to be 25 minutes late?! NO! Well, I am not an animal. Oh, my God. What's happening to me? I'm turning into June Cleaver.

Danny:
(To Michelle) What does Mr. Car say? You're right, he doesn't say anything, because he's dead.

[Jesse and Joey hear the "monster"]

Jesse:
North American Silver-Footed Ferret, adult male, 2 1/2 pounds. I'd say from the echo, he's heading towards the garage.

Joey:
How can you possibly know this?

Jesse:
It's a gift.

Jesse:
Now, I bet you're gettin' tired of all that strained baby food, now, I've got you a corned beef sandwich with a big fat kosher pickle, now what do you want on the side, potato salad or coleslaw? Just the pickle, okay? It's still warm.

Stephanie:
[reads her script] "I love Oat Boats, because Stephanie takes heaping spoonful of cereal. They taste great. She takes a bite."

[D.J. laughs, until her sister stares at her]

D.J.:
Oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead. Rehearse.

Stephanie:
[reads again] "I love Oat Boats, because Stephanie takes heaping spoon--"

[D.J. laughs again]

Stephanie:
[about Jesse] What a guy, huh?

Joey:
Germs take one look at my body and say "Hey- why waste our time?"

Jesse:
Women say the same thing.

Joey:
I can't have chicken pox, I'm immune.

Jesse:
You're immune to common sense.

Joey:
I tried, and I failed. I'm just glad I figured this out now, and not when I'm 46.

[as Danny's daughters enter with ice cream]

Stephanie:
Daddy, could we talk to you?

Danny:
Sure. I thought we were going out for ice cream.

D.J.:
We wanted to make sure we still liked it.

D.J., Joey, and Jesse:
[after scoring the first touchdown] IN YO' FACE!!

Jesse:
Joseph and I must deal with your misconduct, young lady! [pause] “Misconduct”? “Young lady”? I really am turning into my father. If I start wearing a white belt and shoes to match, throw me down the stairs.

Stephanie:
Daddy, take it easy. You’re hugging other people’s kids.

Jesse:
(On the phone with Michelle's doctor): Her nose? Yeah It's running like a fountain. What's coming out of it? Diet cola!