Full House, Season 3

[while Danny runs after the runaway boat, Jesse follows him]

Rebecca:
Jesse, you'll never catch that boat!

Jesse:
I don't wanna catch the boat. I wanna catch Danny!

Joey:
[upon seeing Jesse move like Elvis Presley] Jesse, Elvis never made one golf movie.

Danny:
Joey, let's go! We're gonna be late!

Joey:
Danny, what is the big rush?

Danny:
Joey, you know I always leave the house at exactly 7:48. Now, thanks to you, I'm already two minutes late.

Joey:
What are you talking about? We are right on time.

Danny:
Joey. That's a barometer.

Joey:
Well, in that case, we'd better get moving. There's a hurricane brewing.

Jesse:
Who let you outta your crib?

Michelle:
I let me out.

Jesse:
You mean you climbed over the bars and jumped down all by yourself?

Michelle:
You got it, dude.

Jesse:
Jail break!

Jesse:
Joseph, you've been in toon-town for 2 days. Now, start acting like a human being.

[Joey reads from the tabloids]

Joey:
Listen to this, Michelle. "Psychic struck by lightning". If he was any good, he'd have seen that coming.

Rebecca:
[whilst Jesse, Danny and Joey race] For those of you at home who think you're watching a slow-motion replay, do not be fooled. They are actually moving at this speed.

Pete:
(in an old video from '83, when Jesse does the dare of his life) The doctor is about to operate!

Jesse:
Aren't you a little overdramatic there?

Pete:
Not if you die.

Jesse:
Hey, look, I was dared, so I'm gonna do it.

Girl next to him:
Not without a kiss for luck first.

Jesse:
Have mercy.

Pete:
[so annoyed by their good-luck kiss, covers the camera lens with his right hand] Aw, don't waste tape on this. This is disgusting!

Danny:
Joey, what is an elephant doing in my living room?

JoJo:
Surprise, Cleano!

[the elephant catches JoJo's briefs with his trunk]

JoJo:
The surprise is on JoJo. She got my underwear!

Danny:
I got a great cake.

Joey:
Did ya get the triple chocolate with pink frosting in the shape of a clown's face with a big cherry-red nose? Did ya, did ya, DID YA?

Danny:
Yes, Joey. Look at this. [shows Joey the cake]

Joey:
Yes!

Joey:
[Right after kissing Stacy] Ay chihuahua!

Jesse:
Ay chihuahua?

Joey:
I could've said, "Have mercy!" but it felt more like an, "Ay chihuahua!"

Brian:
Oh no! Not Kimmy Gobbler!

Danny:
[to Steve, who is smoking heavily] You, sir, are a chimney!

Michelle:
Hi, Dave, you're a pretty bird!

Miss Petrie:
Ready for a story boys and girls?

Michelle:
Come on, it's story time!

Aaron:
Miss Petrie, Dave flew out the window, Michelle did it.

Miss Petrie:
Well, it was just an accident, I'm sure Michelle didn't mean to do it.

Michelle:
I'm sorry, I'm a bad girl!

Aaron:
A very bad girl!

Stephanie:
[alarm clock goes off] What time is it?

D.J.:
It's 3:47. I was born on this day at exactly 3:48.

Stephanie:
You have an excellent memory.

D.J.:
(gets out of bed and looks at watch) 3, 2, 1, yes. (looks in mirror) I am now officially a teenager.

Stephanie:
Well, pin a rose on your nose!

D.J.:
I gotta rest up for my party tonight. Oh, and don't forget, you're not invited.

Stephanie:
I liked you better when you were a kid.

D.J.:
Well, those days are over. You are now sharing a room with a sophisticated, mature young woman. (gets into bed) I'M 13! (bounces in bed)

Kimmy:
D.J., what are you doing dancing with Elliott? You should be dancing with Kevin Guin.

D.J.:
I would, but Kevin didn't ask me.

Kimmy:
Then ask him. It's very simple, watch. (Turns to Bitterman) Hey, Bitterman, you wanna dance?

Bitterman:
Sure, why not?

Kimmy:
Maybe later. I'm busy.

Michelle:
Joey broke Stephanie's nose.

Danny:
[to Joey] You broke Stephanie's nose?!

(Danny, Jesse and Joey look into the future and see that Stephanie, DJ and Michelle are adults and still living at home)

Adult Kimmy:
(Walks in) Hola, Tanneritos!

Jesse:
Kimmy Gibbler! Oh, my God!

Adult Kimmy:
Eat your hearts out, boys. (Smirks) Too bad you weren't nicer to me when I was a kid.

(afterwards)

Jesse:
That was so depressing.

Joey:
Yeah. Can you imagine the girls still living here?

Jesse:
No, not that - my hair.

(when there was a car in the kitchen)

DJ & Kimmy:
WHOA BABY!!

DJ:
There's a car in the kitchen!

Michelle:
I told you so.

DJ:
Michelle, do you know how Joey's car got in here?

Michelle:
Yes, I do!

DJ:
How?

Michelle:
Through the window!

Jesse:
Have mercy! There's a... Th-there's...

Michelle:
There's a car in the kitchen.

Jesse:
Thank you. How'd a car get in the kitchen?

DJ & Kimmy:
Through the window.

Jesse:
Everybody okay?

DJ:
Yeah, we're all fine.

Danny:
(offscreen) Hello?

DJ:
But I don't think Dad is gonna be fine.

Jesse:
Well, alright. We have to break this to him very gently, okay?

Danny:
(offscreen) Hey, where is everybody?

Kimmy:
In your new garage.

DJ:
We'll be right back. Stall Dad.

DJ:
Good face, Dad.

Danny:
Is everybody alright? Where's Stephanie?

DJ:
We're all fine. Stephanie's at dance class.

Danny:
Look at this house! Look at this kitchen! Look at this mess! I just waxed the floor! Where's my best friend Joey?

DJ:
Dad, let me get one more picture of you.

Danny:
This is a very serious matter!

DJ:
That's okay, you don't have to smile.

Michelle:
You're in big trouble, mister!

Danny:
Joey, are you okay? You had us worried sick!

Joey:
Danny, I'm fine.

Danny:
In that case, you're in big trouble, mister!

Joey:
Are you upset because I took the last ice cube and didn't refill the tray?

Danny:
Something like that.

Joey:
MY CAR! Rosie! This is my punishment for not filling the ice cube tray?!

Danny:
Are you saying you didn't know about this?

Joey:
If I did, don't you think I would've bought a bigger jar of touch-up paint? Danny, when I left, Stephanie was watching my car. What the heck happened?

Stephanie:
I dro--- I dro--- I dro---

Rebecca:
You dropped something? Did something break? What did you break?

Stephanie:
You name it, I broke it.

Michelle:
Don't cry. Be a big boy.

Michelle:
There's a car in the kitchen!

(DJ walks into the hallway and sees Kevin with two other boys)

DJ:
Kevin!

Kevin:
Hey, DJ!

DJ:
What are you doing out here?

Kevin:
Just hanging out!

Paul:
The dance was lame, so we started our own party.

DJ:
(sees the beer can under Kevin's jacket) You're drinking beer!

Kevin:
Yeah. Tastes horrible. (offers her the can) Want some?

DJ:
No, I don't want some! You guys aren't supposed to be drinking beer!

Paul:
Big deal! We're just having some fun. Try it!

(he shakes his own can and sprays her with it)

DJ:
Cut it out!

Kevin:
(to Paul) You didn't have to do that! I'm sorry, DJ. I'll go get some paper towels.

DJ:
Why don't you guys just get out of here?!

Paul:
You are so uncool!

DJ:
Oh? And you think you're cool? (she grabs the can and shows them how it's done, as Jesse walks through the door) "The dance was lame. Now we're having a party!"

Paul:
Forget it, DJ. We don't want any beer.

Sam:
Yeah, we're only 13.

(they run away from her)

Jesse:
(noticing what just happened, as well as what's in her hand) DJ Tanner!

DJ:
Uncle Jesse--

Jesse:
You're in big, big trouble, young lady.

(after the break...)

DJ:
Uncle Jesse, I didn't do anything.

Jesse:
Oh, yeah? Then what's this?

(takes the beer can)

DJ:
It's beer, but--

Jesse:
(interrupts her) Oh, you gonna tell me you weren't drinking it? I can smell it all over you!

DJ:
Those guys were the ones drinking. I was trying to stop them.

Jesse:
Alright! Save it! (throws it in the trash) I saw the whole thing. Come on, you're going home!

DJ:
Uncle Jesse!

Kimmy:
(noticing the confrontation) DJ, where are you going?

Jesse:
Home. She doesn't feel well!

(and that shocks Kimmy)

(DJ enters her and Stephanie's room, crying)

DJ:
How could they do this? I was telling the truth! I don't deserve to be treated this way; I didn't do anything!

Stephanie:
What didn't you do?

DJ:
It doesn't matter. Nobody believes me anyway - not Uncle Jesse, not Joey, not even Dad.

(sobs)

Stephanie:
I believe you, DJ.

DJ:
You do?

Stephanie:
Of course I do. You're my big sister. And besides that, you were looking right in my eyes. When you lie, you look at the top of my head.

DJ:
Thanks, Steph. (they hug) I gotta find a way for them to believe me.

(in the kitchen...)

Danny:
I can't believe this is happening! She's only 13, and she's such a good kid.

Joey:
(walking over from the counter to the table and sitting with Jesse) Danny, this could happen to any kid. There's - there's a lot of pressure on them to try drinking.

Jesse:
(to Joey, possibly addressing Danny as well) I know, and not just from other kids. From, you know, sometimes, these celebrities, and rock stars, and people these kids look up to. I mean, they're - they're making drinking look cool. I mean, they're sending the wrong message to kids. (turns to Danny) Let me tell you something! DJ is gonna get the right message, okay? She's gotta know that there's no drinking, period. I say we go upstairs and lay down the law!

Danny:
Jesse, wait a minute. Just sit down. (he does) I think it's not as simple as just punishing her. I think we have to find out why DJ did it, so we can decide the best way to help her. I just don't want her to be one of those kids who has to learn the hard way.

(at the school, Kimmy and the others are helping clean up from the dance)

Kimmy:
(as her best friend comes in) DJ, you missed everything! Kevin and Paul and Sam got caught drinking. They're gonna be suspended from school.

DJ:
I hate to say it, but they deserve it. Your mom's waiting outside. I have to find Kevin.

Kimmy:
(points to him sitting in a chair) He's over there waiting for his parents. You better talk to him now. You may not see him for a long time.

Kevin:
(drunk) Hi.

DJ:
Hi. You and I have to talk. My family thinks I was drinking.

Kevin:
(drunk) Oh, man.

DJ:
You gotta tell my dad I'm innocent. Why did you have to go and drink anyway?

Kevin:
(drunk) Those guys said it would loosen me up. I thought you had more fun with me.

DJ:
Well, I didn't have fun with you tonight. I had fun with the old Kevin.

Jesse:
(about the baby they're watching) You see cute, I see smelly diapers.

(after the TV fell off the banister)

Danny:
What? Why? How? Who?!

Michelle:
Daddy's a girl.

Stephanie:
No, he's a woman.

Kimmy:
An ugly woman.

Danny:
I close my eyes for two seconds and it's a Kimmy Gibbler telethon.

Joey:
Danny, you've been out for four hours.

Danny:
(checks his watch) Four hours. Why didn't anyone wake me? Oh no, I'm ruined, I ruined the telethon, my career is over...

Rebecca:
Danny, we're still on the air.

Danny:
(to camera) That concludes the dramatic portion of our show.

13 Candles [3.17]:
Jake & Kimmy (after they kiss): Whoa, baby!