Futurama, Season 3

[After the men have been sentenced to death by snu-snu.]

Fry:
Goodbye, friends. I never thought I'd die like this. But I always really hoped.

Zapp Brannigan:
She's built like a steak house, but she handles like a Bistro

Fry:
We have to go save them.

Bender:
Nah, why bother?

Fry:
Bender, think of the señoritas!

[A cord of Latin music plays]

Bender:
Vámonos!

Zapp Brannigan:
You win again, gravity!

Zapp Brannigan:
We need rest. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.

Bender:
Maybe you can interface with my ass...by biting it!

Professor Farnsworth:
Anyhoo, your net-suits will allow you to experience Fry's worm infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them.

Dr. Zoidberg:
There's no part of that sentence I didn't like!

Prof. Farnsworth:
[whispers] Be very quiet. We're in the ear.

Amy:
[whispers] Okay professor.

Prof. Farnsworth:
WHAT?!

Fry:
[to Leela] What about "what"?

Leela:
Uh...What about we go for a walk because it's a lovely day, perhaps?

Fry:
Oh, okay.

Prof. Farnsworth:
If we can stimulate that nerve, the bowel will convulse, expelling the entire worm colony!

Hermes:
But what about the worms in the other part of his body?

Prof. Farnsworth:
Listen, this is gonna be one Hell of a bowel movement. Afterward, he'll be lucky if he has any bones left.

Fry:
Leela, there's something I've wanted to tell you for a long time but every time I try I get nervous and my mouth feels like it's stuffed with peanut butter, even when it's not.

Leela:
What is it? Is it about Bender?

Fry:
No, it's about you and me.

Leela:
And Bender?

Fry:
Bender's not involved. Leela ... I love you.

Leela:
You do?

Fry:
Yes. But it's only recently that I've been able to articulate my thoughts. I love you, Leela, and I always have.

Leela:
Fry, that's the sweetest, most wonderful-- Wait, "recently?" Like since you ate that toilet sandwich?

Fry:
Yeah! I don't know why but my life really turned around that day,

Farnsworth:
Leela, you're just in time to help. If we don't get rid of the worms now, they'll burrow so deep into the bowel that not even Hermes' famous jerk prunes could dislodge them.

Hermes:
I call it "Caribbean Drain-o".

Fry:
Apartment 1I. The old me would have made a joke about that!

Sal:
Stands back. I'm gonna puts my moves on her. [He hoots at Leela.]

Fry:
That jerk. No one hoots at my captain unless they're prepared to take it to the next level.

Leela:
Fry, please. That's sweet, but I'd rather not even dignify them with an ass-whupping.

Sal:
Yo, sexy mama! Let's get busy and freaky, in that order.

Fry:
Hey, jumbo! How would you like it if Leela said you were sexy and she wanted to make love with you?

Sal:
Eh, I've gots five minutes. She looks pretty good for a truck-stop chick.

Fry:
You take that back! She does not look good for a truck-stop chick.

Sal:
Yeah, you're right. She don't gots enough meat for a guy like me.

Fry:
She does too! She's loaded with meat! She's got more meat than a cow!

Bender:
Isn't it true that you have been paid for your testimony?

Pramala:
Yes. You gave me a dollar and some candy.

Bender:
And yet you haven't said what I told you to say! How can any of us trust you?

Fry:
I'm Santa Claus!

Hermes:
No, I'm Santa Claus!

Amy:
We're also Santa Claus!

Dr. Zoidberg:
And I'm his friend, Jesus.

Mayor:
You guys aren't Santa! You're not even robots. How dare you lie in front of Jesus!

Prof. Farnsworth:
Bring it on, Santa! That bloodthirsty cadaver junkie can't touch us as long as we're not stupid enough to leave this building.

Fry:
Alright!

Leela:
Yeah!

[Bender breathes a sigh of relief.]

Prof. Farnsworth:
In a related matter, you'll be delivering this sack of children's letters directly to Santa at his death fortress on Neptune.

Leela:
Remember, Professor, Bender is Santa. So we don't need to hurt him, right?

Prof. Farnsworth:
Yes, yes, yes. You sound like a broken MP3!

[Bender lands in the fireplace and the Professor shoots him with a shotgun]

Leela:
Professor, don't you remember what I told you?!

Prof. Farnsworth:
No!!

Santa:
Bender can't be Santa. He's not built to yuletide specifications.

Bender:
Well, I wasn't built to steal Leela's purse either, but that didn't stop me.

Linda:
In what has become a holiday tradition, members of the Zarlon 7 Polar Bear Club today took the plunge into a river of liquid ammonia.

Morbo:
There were no survivors.

Linda:
[Chuckles] Takes all kinds.

Neptunian elves:
We are free and fairly sober

With so many toys to build

The machines are kind of tricky

Probably someone will be killed

But we gladly work for nothing

Fry:
Which is good because we don't intend to pay

Neptunian elves:
The elves are back to work today

Hooray!

We have just a couple hours

To make several billion gifts

And the labor isn't easy

Leela:
Then you'll all work triple shifts

You can make the job go quicker

If you turn up the controls to super speed

Fry, Leela and Bender:
It's back to work on Xmas Eve

Neptunian elves:
Hooray.

Leela:
And though you're cold and sore and ugly

Your pride will mask the pain

Fry:
Let my happy smile warm your hearts

Neptunian elf:
There's a toy lodged in my brain

Neptunian elves:
We are getting awfully tired

And we can't work any faster

And we're very, very sorry

Bender:
Why you selfish little bastards!

Do you want the kids to think

That Santa's just a crummy empty handed jerk?!

Then shut your yaps and back to work!

Neptunian elves:
Now it's very nearly Xmas

And we've done the best we could

Fry:
These toy soldiers are poorly painted

Leela:
And they're made from inferior wood

Bender:
I should give you all a beating

But I really have to fly

Robot Santa:
If I wasn't stuck here frozen

I'd harpoon you in the eye

Neptunian elves:
Now it's back into our tenements

To drown ourselves in rye

Leela:
You did the best you could I guess

And some of these gorillas are okay

Neptunian elves:
HOORAY!

Random elf:
We're adequate!

All:
The elves have rescued Xmas Day

Hooray!

Young Fry:
Ah, the Breakfast Club soundtrack! I can't wait 'til I'm old enough to feel ways about stuff!

Fry:
Leela, Bender, we're going grave robbing.

Bender:
I'll get my kit!

Fry:
Here lies Philip J. Fry, named for his uncle, to carry on his spirit.

Bender:
Pay dirt! I've got the clover! Plus, his wedding ring. Sorry, ladies, I'm taken. Hey, Fry, you want me to smack the corpse up a little?

Leela:
Uhh, Bender, I think Fry needs a moment alone.

Bender:
All right, grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mouseketeer reunion.

Doctor:
It's a boy. And look at that red hair.

Yancy Fry, Sr.:
[angry] You sayin' my boy is a Commie?

Yancy Fry, Jr.:
[two years old] I wanna be Philip. Me Philip. Me Philip.

Yancy Fry, Sr.:
Son, your name is Yancy, just like me, and my grandfather, and so on, all the way back to Minuteman Yancy Fry, who blasted Commies in the American Revolution.

[At the horse races]

Hermes:
Come on, baby needs a new pair of shoes!

Dr. Zoidberg:
The hell with your spoiled baby! I need those shoes.

[Leela and Hermes are at a concession stand at the track]

Horse D'ourves Salesman:
Get your piping hot horse burgers, horse fries, horse cakes and shakes. We got tongue, straight from the horse's mouth.

Hermes:
It all sounds good.

Horse D'ourves Salesman:
All our horses are 100% horse-fed for that double-horse "juiced-in" goodness.

Leela:
I'll have the cholesterol-free omelet with horse-beaters.

Horse D'ourves Salesman:
And you, sir? How can I horse you?

Hermes:
I'll have a horse Coke.

Horse D'ourves Salesman:
Horse Pepsi okay?

Hermes:
Neeeiiiggghh.

Yancy Fry, Jr:
[wearing a camouflage-colored tuxedo] Thanks for lending me your tux dad. It'll be perfect for my wedding.

Yancy Fry, Sr.:
Yancy, that tux got me through 'Nam in style.

Fry:
Gosh, my old neighborhood. That's the bench where I found some shirts. That fire hydrant. On summers we'd light it on fire. On that corner, some guy with a bushy beard handed out a socialist newsletter.

Bender:
Was it poorly Xeroxed?

Fry:
You better believe it.

Leela:
The old comedians were right. This place is a lot different from L.A.

Free Waterfall Sr.:
If you're cold, rub your bodies with permafrost. It's nature's long johns. If rubbin' frozen dirt in your crotch is wrong, hey I don't wanna be right.

Prof. Farnsworth:
Good news, everyone! I'm sending you on a highly controversial mission.

Fry:
Controversial?

Prof. Farnsworth:
Oh, my, no.

Prof. Farnsworth:
For this highly controversial mission you'll be towing the Juan Valdez, an orbiting supertanker full of rich Columbian dark matter.

Leela:
Dark matter oil? What if we hit something? The tanker could leak.

Prof. Farnsworth:
Impossible! The tanker has 6,000 hulls. So, unlike me, it's entirely leak-proof.

Hyperchicken:
Son, as your lawyer, I declare y'all are in a 12-piece bucket o' trouble. But I done struck you a deal: Five hours of community service cleanin' up that ol' mess you caused.

Bender:
Five hours? Aw, man! Couldn't you have just got me the death penalty?

Hyperchicken:
Well I'da done better, but it's plum hard pleading a case while awaiting trial for that there incompetence.

Bender:
Oh yeah, good luck with that.

[Bender leaves the room, revealing that the Hyperchicken is the one in jail.]

Bender:
Wiggles, weren't you about to propose a toast to your gallant captain?

Fry:
Fine, I've got a toast. To Captain Bender, he's the best... at being a big jerk who's stupid and his big ugly face is as dumb as a butt!

Bender:
Eh, I've heard better.

Fry:
What happened?

Dr. Zoidberg:
All 6, 000 hulls have been breached.

Fry:
Oh, the fools! Why didn't they build it with 6, 001 hulls?! When will they learn?

Prof. Farnsworth:
Being a captain is about intuition and heart. A good captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender is the perfect candidate for the job.

Bender:
Well, I do think of human life as expendable.

Leela:
Why do we have to resort to non-violence? Can't we just kick their asses?

Free Waterfall Sr.:
Now, little lady, those people's asses are living things too.

Fry:
No fair! Leela was training me to be captain. She even let me sit in her lap and steer... in this comic I drew.

Dr. Zoidberg:
[Grabs comic] Ooh, the new one's out!

Bender:
That's right, baby, I ain't your loverboy Flexo: the guy you love so much you even love anyone pretending to be him!

Angleyne:
Maybe I love you so much I love you no matter who you're pretending to be.

Bender:
Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that!

Fry:
Professor, I've never seen you so cheerful. What the hell's wrong with you?

Prof. Farnsworth:
Hmm, I'm not quite sure. Perhaps seeing things from a new perspective has reminded me of life's beauty. Or perhaps my new posture is causing blood to pool in the back of my brain, resulting in a slight delirium. Incidentally, you have a dime up your nose.

Fry:
I wish! It's a nickel.

Robots:
Give us a raise you big fat jerk

Sal:
Nevers!

Leela:
My God! Even the professor is bent!

Prof. Farnsworth:
[Bent facing the floor] Thank you for your sympathy, talking square of linoleum.

Bender:
Hooray! I graduated. Time to bend around Europe for a few months, then get a job bending.

Bender:
Sorry I got you sent to that South American Turkish prison instead of me on account of mistaken identity.

Flexo:
You bastard! They treated me like an animal, and that's what I became! [laughs] Nah, you're all right. Good to see ya, buddy.

Pet Show Judge:
And the grand prize winner...[monotonous] The Hypnotoad.

[The Hypnotoad turns its powers on the crowd, making them all clap at once]

Pet Show Judge:
All glory to the Hypnotoad.

Fry:
Don't listen to them, Leela. People said I was dumb, but I proved them!

Linda:
Today, some bad things happened. One bad thing was, a train got crashed in New Jersey. Wanna see? People won't be late for work though. The governor lady said, "I'm sending more trains!"

Ken:
They travel from world to world making everyone stupid in order to wipe out all thought in the universe.

Leela:
Wipe out all thought? My God, they're like flying televisions.

Leela:
Am I going crazy? Have my years of wild hedonism finally caught up with me?

Nibbler:
And so, life returned to normal, or at least as normal as it gets in this primitive dirtball inhabited by psychotic apes. Thanks to the effects of the brain waves, the people of Earth have not memory of what had transpired, except Fry, and no one believed him or cared what he had to say. I, meanwhile, returned to my post, ever vigilant, lest Earth again come under brain attack. And when that day comes, God help us. God help us all.

Leela:
Time for a diapie change.

Nibbler:
End transmission.

Professor Farnsworth:
Good news, everyone! We were supposed to make a delivery to the planet, Tweenis 12, but it mysteriously exploded.

Leela:
Why is that good news?

Professor Farnsworth:
They paid in advance.

Morbo:
Morbo can't understand his teleprompter. He forgot how you say that letter that's shaped like a man wearing a hat.

Linda:
It's a T. It goes "tuh".

Morbo:
Hello, little man. I will destroy you!

Fry:
[to the Big Brain] I'm here to kick your ass!

Big Brain:
Wishful thinking! We have long since evolved beyond the need for asses!

Fiona:
Nibblonians To nibble stations! Prepare cuddlebug for deployment in forty niblets.

Ken:
Sometimes I fear we are cute.

Fiona:
[dismissive] D'oh, niggle-snush.

Bender:
Calculon is gonna kill us and it's all everybody else's fault!

Calculon:
Nay, I respect and admire Harold Zoid too much to beat him to death with his own Oscar.

Leela:
It's some kind of hollow tube, devoid of human life. [gasps] The Los-Angeles Subway.

Calculon:
[upset] Everyone walked out. They hated it. I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this. You said that Oscar was practically on my mantle.

Bender:
Now you know why I used the qualifier "practically".

Billy Crystal's Head:
And the nominees for Best Soft Drink Product Placement are...

Slurm Vending Machine:
"Star Trek: The Pepsi Generation", "They Call Me Mr. Pibb", and "Snow White and the Seven-ups."

Waiter:
What can I get you gentlemen?

Dr. Zoidberg:
Is bread free?

Waiter:
Yeah.

Dr. Zoidberg:
We'll split an order.

Harold Zoid:
People, People please, just because its a dramatic scene doesn't mean you cant do a little comedy in the background.

Bender:
That plot makes perfect sense. Wink, wink.

Dr. Zoidberg:
Bender, you said "wink, wink" out loud.

Bender:
No I didn't. Raise middle finger.

Harold Zoid:
So, you want to be a comedian, is it?

Dr. Zoidberg:
It's my life long dream.

Harold Zoid:
Well, that dream dies now! You're unfunny and untalented. That's why you're perfect for drama.

Amy:
What are their names?

Bender:
Kids have names?

Orphan:
My name is Nina, this is Albert--

Bender:
And from now on you're all named Bender Jr.

Morbo:
So I gave the cookies you made to Fawn and the kids and they couldn't believe it -- they were delicious. But, I digress. Tremble, puny earthlings! One day my race will destroy you all!

Zoidberg:
Be careful with that Adlai, Leela, he's a doctor, they're very poor.

Leela:
Actually, most doctors are rich.

Zoidberg:
What? When did this happen? You're joking, right? That's not funny!

Adlai:
I've never been good with words, which is why I'm in such a delicate conundrum. Will you go out with me this Sunday?

Leela:
Sure!

[Fry gasps.]

Adlai:
I don't know what else to say, so I'll just say it. Okey-dokey, see you then.

Fry:
What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us aren't normal and that's what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg: He's a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage and does.

Zoidberg:
Damn right!

Fry:
The Professor's a senile, amoral crackpot.

[Farnsworth blubbers and waves.]

Fry:
Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.

Hermes:
Tally me banana.

Fry:
Amy's a klutz from Mars.

[Amy drops the glass she is drinking from and it smashes.]

Amy:
Sploops!

Farnsworth:
And, Fry, you've got that brain thing.

Fry:
I already did! So, Leela, do you wanna be like us? Or do you wanna be like Adlai with no severe mental or social problems whatsoever?

Leela:
That's the dumbest question I ever heard!

Sally:
Daddy Bender, we're hungry.

Bender:
What's with you kids? Every other day it's food, food, food. [pause] Alright, I'll get you some stupid food.

Albert:
Can we have Bender Burgers again?

Bender:
No! The cat shelter's on to me.

Smitty:
You're under arrest for child cruelty, child endangerment, depriving children of food, selling children as food, and misrepresenting the weight of livestock!

Bender (as he's being cuffed):
If you had kids of your own, you'd understand!

Singing Wind:
I am Singing Wind, Chief of the Martians.

Zapp Brannigan:
Take me to your leader!

Singing Wind:
Moving along...

Zapp Brannigan:
[introducing himself] I am the man with no name. Zapp Brannigan at your service.

Singing Wind:
You must smoke peace pipe, and you must do it peacefully. Or we'll kill you.

Kif:
Well, it's just really that I don't feel that--

Zapp Brannigan:
Don't be such a chicken, Kif. Teenagers all smoke and they seem pretty on-the-ball.

[Amy's Buggalo, Betsy, has been following Kif and the crew]

Zapp Brannigan:
I didn't realize you were bringing your girlfriend Lieutenant. [Snickers]

Kif:
[Sighs] She won't leave me alone.

Zapp Brannigan:
Did I say "girlfriend"? She sounds more like a wife!

[A tumble weed rolls past.]

Leela:
Wow, look at that: Olympus Mons, the tallest volcano in the solar system.

Fry:
Where?

Leela:
Right in front of you.

Fry:
Oh. Oh!

Leo Wong:
Anyway, make yourselves at home.

[Dr. Zoidberg comes downstairs wearing a bathrobe]

Dr. Zoidberg:
Don't mind if I already did. By the way, do you have any more of this Dom Pérignon bubble bath? There was only enough to fill the tub halfway.

Prof. Farnsworth:
That sounds very dangerous. Someone could get killed. [pointing] Fry, Leela, Bender...

Bender:
[shaking fist] Damn you, old man!

Zapp Brannigan:
Now remember Kif, the quickest way to a girl's bed is through her parents. Have sex with them and you're in.

Kif:
Well, sir, I'm a little nervous about meeting her parents.

Zapp Brannigan:
Of course you are. You're meek and uninteresting.

Kif:
I love it out here, Amy. I feel so manly. I have a blister, I-I spit! A-And of course, I tell no one my feelings.

Amy:
But you still have them, right?

Kif:
Oh, yes. But I keep them inside until I can write them in my diary.

Amy:
Ah, it's a wonderful night.

Kif:
It sure is. I could just lie here beside you staring at the sky all night.

Amy:
I can't! [She kisses him and the ground shakes.] What's that?

Kif:
Maybe we just made love

Amy:
Thanks for saving my life, Kif. You're my hero.

Kif:
Oh, you're kind. But your parents still don't like me.

Amy:
Well globviously! But if they liked you then I wouldn't. Don't you know anything about girls?

[They kiss. The Buggalo run past and the ground shakes. Amy gets up and goes back inside. Kif gets out his diary.]

Kif:
Dear diary, I just made love for the second time!

Leela:
OK, this has gotta stop. I'm going to remind Fry of his humanity the way only a woman can.

Farnsworth:
You're going to do his laundry?

Leela:
Fry, stay back, he's too powerful!

Fry:
Negative, bossy meat creature.

Hermes:
Don't be a hero, Fry! It's not covered in the health plan!

Roberto:
Back off! I've got hostages!

Zoidberg:
Hooray! I'm helping!

Smitty:
Do you have any better hostages?

Fry:
Fear not. I shall assist ye.

Hermes:
Robots don't say "ye"!

Fry:
Relax, mammal. My robotic software shall meet your calculatory needs. What is the meaning of this symbol?

Hermes:
That's a plus sign, ya pointy-haired loony! Quit thinking you're a robot!

Fry:
I'll show ye...

Fry:
I'm not a robot like you, I don't like having discs crammed into me... unless they're Oreos... and then only in the mouth.

Roberto:
Hey, Red. You're just in time for the hostage situation. Which side do you want to be on?

Fry:
The side that kicks your twisted, metal ass.

Judge Whitey:
Counselor, what evidence do you offer to support this new plea of insanity?

Hyper-Chicken:
For starters, they done hired me to represent them.

Judge Whitey:
Insanity plea is accepted!

Fry:
Let me guess. He thinks he's Abraham Lincoln.

Unit 2013':
Well, he's supposed to, but he has multiple personalities. All of them Lincoln.

Abraham Lincoln Robot:
I was born in 200 log cabins.

Unit 2013:
This is Frankie. He thinks he's a lunch room attendant, so we put him to work in the lunch room. [Loudly] How are things in the lunch room, Frankie?

Frankie:
S'okay.

Unit 2013:
Poor Frankie...

Bender:
I guess if you want children beaten, you have to do it yourself.

Dwight:
Can I use the gun?

Hermes:
What kind of a father would I be if I said no?

Bender:
We're making beer. I'm the brewery.

Dwight:
I heard alcohol makes you stupid.

Fry:
No I'm ... doesn't.

Leela:
Actually, Dwight, you're right. Alcohol is very, very bad ... for children. But once you turn 21 it becomes very, very good.

Dwight:
What's this devices marketability? Who's the target consumer?

Farnsworth:
There is no target consumer! Only targets. Targets that will tremble in fear as their new master hands down edicts in my glorious, booming voice!

Farnsworth:
This is my latest invention; a device that lets anyone sound exactly like me!

Cubert:
[Speaks into machine] Good news, everyone! I'm a horse's butt!

Farnsworth:
I am? That's not good news at all, you little--!

Leela:
If you were my kids, you'd get quite a talking to ... from your father ... when he got home from the Senate.

Dwight:
You don't wanna miss the unveiling of our new company, do you?

Hermes:
Company? [He laughs.] How cute! What will you be pedalling? Lemonade? Shoe shines? Cootie insurance?

Farnsworth:
Perhaps they've constructed a teddy bear hospital!

[They laugh]

Cubert:
Actually, we're starting a competing delivery company.

[He pulls the sheet off to reveal a red "Awesome Express" logo. Hermes and Farnsworth look at each other and stand up]

Hermes:
Welcome to the world of business.

[He and Farnsworth kick the logo]

Sal:
Gets movings. These papers ain't gonna deliver themselveses. Only the Sunday edition can dos that.

Cubert:
How dare they call us kids? We're old enough to find the Fox network infantile.

Bender:
Ah, beer. So many choices, and it makes so little difference.

Fry:
How 'bout Löwbrau? It has dots.

Bender:
Overruled! The choice of champions is Pabst Blue Robot.

Fry:
I can't drink that. The metal shavings make my throat bloody.

Bender:
Wah, wah! Baby wants a Zima!

Leela:
Hey, hey! We can all fight when we're drunk.

Dr. Zoidberg:
It's toe-tappingly tragic!

Beck:
You, minion. Lift my arm. [a stagehand lifts his arm] AFTER HIM!

[As the gang are trying to escape via the Golden Gate Bridge]

Bender:
Oh no! I forgot this is a hover-bridge!

Leela:
And I forgot this isn't a hover-car!

Fry:
Is any of that a problem?

Zoidberg:
Not if you've lived a life without regret! [screams in terror]

Bender:
Fry cracked corn, and I don't care! Leela cracked corn, still don't care! Bender cracked corn and he is great! Take that you stupid corn!

Hippie:
Wow, look at the colours. These'll go great with my soul.

Zoidberg:
Glad you like them. I've been making fine jewellery for years, apparently.

Bender:
Hey, yeah, I could write a song! With real words, not phoney ones like "odelay".

Beck:
"Odelay" is a word. Just look it up in the Becktionary.

Bender:
No, don't you see? I was a hero to broken robots 'cause I was one of them. But how can I sing about being damaged if I'm not? That's like Christina Aguilera singing in Spanish. Wait, that's it! I'll fake it!

Prof. Farnsworth:
Where's the device that lets you speed or slow the passage of time?

Fry:
Under the seat. [Holds up a bong]

Bender:
Hey, the blues. The tragic sound of other people's suffering. That's kind of a pick-me-up.

Fry:
She just needs some gas.

Prof. Farnsworth:
Wrong again, idiot. There is no gas. Petroleum preserves went dry in 2038.

Leela:
Gas was an environmental disaster, anyway. Now we use alternative fuels.

Fry:
Like what?

Leela:
Whale oil.

Leela:
I don't know what you did, Fry, but once again, you screwed up! Now all the planets are gonna start cracking wise about our mamas.

Hermes:
I'm just glad my fat, ugly mama isn't alive to see this day.

Prof. Farnsworth:
Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes! We have bigger problems.

Prof. Farnsworth:
Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's court!

[Farnsworth presses a button, revealing an arsenal of doomsday weapons.]

Prof. Farnsworth:
I suppose I could part with one and still be feared…

Prof. Farnsworth:
What do you know of this?

Ethan 'Bubblegum' Tate:
Not much yet, but I am a senior lecturer of physics at Globetrotter U, and I'd like to help you investigate.

Prof. Farnsworth:
You're that Bubblegum Tate?

Ethan 'Bubblegum' Tate:
Well, I sure ain't his grandma.

Fry:
So, Leela, how about a romantic ride in one of those swan boats? They're kinda dangerous, but I finally mastered them.

Leela:
Those aren't swan boats, they're swans.

Fry:
Oh. That explains these boat eggs.

Zoidberg:
Don't be so hard on yourself, Fry. You lost the woman of your dreams but you still have Zoidberg. You all still have Zoidberg!

Richard Nixon's Head:
Now, how long will it take to build?

Ethan 'Bubblegum' Tate:
It won't be easy, Nixon. A jim-jam this complex might take months or even-

[Time skips.]

Prof. Farnsworth:
Ah, there we are. One gravity pump. Powerful enough to move the stars themselves. Now to begin the arduous task of attaching it to the ship so th-

[Time skips. The Planet Express ship is taking off with the gravity pump attached.]

Prof. Farnsworth:
Off you go, apparently.

Fry:
Put me on, Professor. I wanna show Leela my skills.

Prof. Farnsworth:
Hmm. Will said skills pay the bills?

Prof. Farnsworth:
At this rate, by Tuesday it will be Thursday, by Wednesday it will be August, and by Thursday it will be the end of existence as we know it!

Leela:
Fry, please try to understand: you're a man, I'm a woman. We're just too different.

Linda:
Time continues to skip forward randomly. Details at elev...

[time skips]

Linda:
This is the News at Eleven. The mysterious and unexplained...

[time skips]

Linda:
Turning to entertainment news, teen singer Wendy might just be the latest...

[time skips]

Linda:
...won three Grammys last night...

[time skips]

Linda:
...found dead in her bathtub.

Leela:
All right, cool your jets, hot shot.

Fry:
Come on, Leela. Why won't you go out with me? We both know there's something there.

Leela:
No, I mean cool your jets. You're melting Bender's face.

Prof. Farnsworth:
The time skips are worse than ever now. Isolated spots are jumping by years at a time. Look.

Boy:
Stupid senior citizens. Why should we have to pay for their Social Security benefits?

[Time skip; the boy becomes a senior citizen]

Senior Citizen:
I deserve free money!

[Fry walks to the window and presses his face against the glass. As the ship gets further away from the nebula Fry sees the stars around it form an "O" in a huge message that reads "I Love You, Leela".]

Fry:
That's how I must have done it! I moved the stars themselves to write her a love note in the sky.

Leela:
[on intercom] Detonation in three, two, one.

Fry:
No!

[The doomsday device implodes and the nebula, the stars and Fry's message disappear. Fry stares at the empty void. Enter Leela and Bender]

Fry:
Did you see it? Did you see it?

Bender:
The explosion?

Fry:
No, not the explosion!

Leela:
Then what?

Fry:
[quietly] Nothing.

Professor Farnsworth:
Oh dear! She's stuck in an infinite loop, and he's an idiot! Well, that's love for you.

Bender:
Humans dating robots is sick. You people wonder why I'm still single? It's 'cause all the fine robot sisters are dating humans!

Leela:
Bender, this is Fry's decision... and he made it wrong. So it's time for us to interfere in his life.

Narrator:
You are entering the realm which is unusual. Maybe it's magic or contains some kind of monster. The second one. Prepare to enter... The Scary Door. Please send a man round back and pick up Clyde Smith, a professional gambler who's about to have an unfortunate accident.

[Smith is run over by a car, then awakes in a casino. He plays the slot machine and wins]

Clyde Smith:
Ha-ha-ha! A casino where I'm winning? That car must've killed me. I must be in heaven! [wins again] A casino where I always win. That's boring. I must really be... in Hell!

Sebastian Cabot:
No, Mr. Smith. You are not in heaven or hell. You are on an airplane! [unrolls the curtains, revealing the airplane windows. A creature sits on the wing of the plane, ripping wires out of it]

Clyde:
There's a gremlin destroying the plane. You gotta believe me!

Cabot:
Why should I believe you, you're Hitler! [pulls out a mirror. Clyde's reflection is indeed Hitler]

Clyde:
No! [turns to a woman sitting next to him] Eva Braun! Help me!

[The woman pulls off a mask, revealing the head of a fly. Clyde screams]

Bender:
Eh, saw it coming.

Fry:
Oh, Lucy! You're just like I always thought you'd be from your movies.

Liubot:
My personality is mathematically derived from my movies, proportionally weighted by box office receipts.

Fry:
Aaawww... you say the CUTEST things!

Zapp Brannigan:
Now that's a wave of destruction that's easy on the eyes!

Bender:
What is the world coming to? That Fry is a sicko poivert, I tell ya! Dating a robot... it's an attrocimacy!

Leela:
But Fry is our friend, Bender.

Bender:
Ah, geez! Would you stifle there, meatbag?

Leela:
You stifle, Bender!

Dr. Zoidberg:
Hooray! Finally, you're standing up to him.

[At the edge of the universe, Fry sees alternative versions of himself and his friends on the other side, dressed as cowboys]

Fry:
Far out! So there really is an infinite number of universes?

Prof. Farnsworth:
No, just the two

Auctioneer:
Are there no further bids for this exquisite galaxy? Sold! To the being of inconceivable horror!

Being of Inconceivable Horror:
Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! [pause] Will a money order be okay?

Auctioneer:
Yes.

Being of Inconceivable Horror:
MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

Fry:
How can you guys be so blasé? Here we are in the year three-hundred-or-so, yet you're just sitting around like it's the boring time I came from.

Prof. Farnsworth:
Boring? Wasn't that the period when they cracked the human genome, and boy bands roamed the earth?

Leela:
Hey, you know what might be a hoot?

Prof. Farnsworth:
No! Why would I know that?

Leela:
Let's take the rest of the morning off and take Fry to do everything he ever wanted to do.

Fry:
Everything?

Leela:
Except that.

Liubot:
Oh, Fry, I love you more than the moon, the stars, the--POETIC IMAGE #36 NOT FOUND.

Bender:
Hey, you add a one and two zeros to that or we walk!

Leela:
How much did you make me?

Bender:
One hundred dollars.

[Leela is signing autographs.]

Leela:
Who am I making this out to?

Girl:
Ummm…to eBay?

Leela:
That's a popular name today. Little "e", big "B"?

Leela:
Oh, put down the binoculars, Fry. The wall of that strip club isn't going to collapse twice in one day.

Fry:
I know, and I've grown to accept that.

Leela:
I think the owner is from Cygnus 5.

Prof. Farnsworth:
Cygnoids, in our block? Fie and foo! They should go back to where they came from!

Leela:
Professor, please. Society is never gonna make any progress until we all learn to pretend to like each other. Now, let's go over there and make these hideous strangers feel welcome.

Prof. Farnsworth:
No.

[Leela makes a retching noise after sampling an alien's pizza]

Leela:
I don't mean to offend, but this tastes like vomit.

Cygnoid Woman:
Thank you.

Leela:
No, actually, I did mean to offend a little. This is awful.

Prof. Farnsworth:
Why is your number 7/8?

Leela:
All the whole numbers have been retired.

Fry:
Look, the players who broke the various color barriers.

Bender:
When will man learn that all races are equally inferior to robots?

Leela:
Bender, we're trying our best.

Bender:
Your best is an idiot!

High Priest:
People of Osiris 4, please welcome a man who started as a slave but worked his way up to Lord of All Creation! Our new Pharaoh, Bender!

Bender:
Citizens of Me! The cruelty of the old Pharaoh is a thing of the past. Let a whole new wave of cruelty wash over this lazy land.

Leela:
Impressive. Who's building it?

Osiran:
You.

Leela:
Say again?

Osiran:
You are now slaves of the great Pharaoh Hermenthotip. Guards!

[The guards grab the crew]

Fry:
Call it a hunch but I've got a bad feeling about this.

Fry:
You know what else sucks about being a slave? The hours.

High Priest:
Great Wall of Prophecy, reveal to us God's will that we may blindly obey.

Priests:
[chanting] Free us from thought and responsibility.

High Priest:
We shall read things off you.

Priests:
[chanting] Then do them.

High Priest:
Your words guide us.

Priests:
[chanting] We're dumb.

Fry:
You know what the worst thing about being a slave is? They make you work all day but they don't pay you or let you go.

Leela:
That's the only thing about being a slave.

Bender:
You've convinced me life is worth living... by showing me how bad my funeral will suck!

Osiran Slavemaster:
We learned many things from the mighty Egyptians, such as pyramid building, space travel, and how to prepare our dead so as to scare Abbott and Costello.

Fry:
Also, Wolfman.

[Bender storms out and the bouquet lands in Farnsworth's lap]

Amy':
I know whose funeral we'll be attending next!

Prof. Farnsworth:
Oh, stop.

Fry:
Dearly Beloved, we are here today to remember Bender, taken from us in the prime of life; when he was crushed by a runaway semi, driven by the Incredible Hulk.

Bender:
Aww, you knew my favorite cause of death.

Prof. Farnsworth:
Your basic bending unit is made of an iron-osmium alloy, but Bender was different. Bender had an 0.04% nickel impurity.

Bender:
It's what made me me.

Bender:
Danny Boy?! You're at my funeral, singing about some stiff named Danny Boy? You really are a massive bonehead!

Zoidberg:
I'm expressing my sorrow!

Bender:
Get lost! I'd say don't quit your day job, but you're awful at that too!

Bender:
Being a robot's great, but we don't have emotions and sometimes that makes me very sad. [sniffs]

Bender:
Whoa, you look better than you used to for some reason.

Amy:
You're not so bad yourself, big boy. [kisses Bender]

Bender:
Hey that felt great! [kisses the Professor] Nah, it's not working anymore.

Farnsworth:
Speak for yourself.

Bender:
Hey, my antenna's gone! Nah, it just moved. I'm not getting good reception on it, though. Maybe if I wiggle it around a little...

Fry:
Bender, no! You'll make God cry!

Wernstrom:
When did he die?

Farnsworth:
About twelve hours ago, when the party started.

Wernstrom:
But he just said "Woo!"

Farnsworth:
No, that was just air escaping from the folds of his fat. [pushes against Bender's fat]

Bender:
Woo!

Richard Nixon's Head:
Good evening, ignorant pigs. Put down your crack pipes and your beer bongs and pay attention as I sign an historic peace accord with Ambassador Kong of Nintendu 64.

Fry:
Hey, I know that monkey, his name is Donkey.

Farnsworth:
Monkeys aren't donkeys. Quit messing with my head!

Lrrr:
You are defeated. Instead of shooting where I was, you should have shot where I was going to be

Mario:
Mamma Mia! The cruel meatball of war has rolled onto our laps and ruined our white pants of peace!

Leela:
Why did you bring us here?

Dr. Zoidberg:
And why did I have to take a cab?

Leela:
Haven't I seen you in some copyrighted movie?

Farnsworth:
What do you nice kids want?

Zoidberg:
Nothing. I'm leaving. But if you had extra courage I'd haul it away for you, maybe.

Farnsworth:
Oh blithery poop, my cowardly lobster. You don't need courage. After all, who needs courage when you have a gun?

Fry:
Leela, are you alright? You got wanged on the head.

Leela:
I was having the most wonderful dream. Except you were there, and you were there, and you were there!

General Colin Pac-Man:
Quick to the escape tunnels!

[Fry and his friends follow Pac-Man into the Pac-Man maze "wakka wakkaing"]

Pac-Man:
This way, dammit!

[Zoidberg eats Pac-Dots]

Zoidberg:
Mmm, delicious! Just like stale marshmallows! [A cherry appears in front of him.] Ooh, and a cherry!

[Zoidberg eats cherry then charges towards Fry]

Fry:
Hey! Watch out! [He gets eaten by Zoidberg]

Zoidberg:
Uh oh.

Leela:
Oh, my God. He ate Fry. Fry is dead!

[Fry walks behind them]

Fry:
Its OK. I had another guy.

Pac-Man:
Its working! Victory is assured! My retirement tomorrow will be all the sweeter.

[Pac-Man gets shot by a space invader, cause a chunk out of Pac-Man to fall off]

Pac-Man:
[screams] I'm hit! [sobs] So cold!

[Pac-Man dies by folding up & disappearing as Ms. Pac-Man comes in]

Ms. Pac-Man:
NOOOO!

Fry:
Amy. Tend to the widow Pac-Man.

Ms. Pac-Man:
[crying] Wakka wakka wakka!

Prof. Farnsworth:
For example, if you killed your grandfather, you'd cease to exist!

Fry:
But existing is basically all I do!

Prof. Farnsworth:
Start the ship, Leela! Let's just steal the dish and get back to our own time.

Fry:
But won't that change history?

Prof. Farnsworth:
Oooh, a lesson in not changing history from "Mr. I'm-My-Own-Grandpa"!

Prof. Farnsworth:
Your grandfather?! Stay away from him, you dim-witted monkey! You mustn't interfere with the past! Don't do anything that affects anything, unless it turns out you were supposed to do it, in which case for the love of God, don't not do it!

President Truman:
Whistlin' Dixie! I want this sent to Area 51 for study.

General:
But Sir, that's where we are building the fake moon landing site.

President Truman:
Then we'll have to really land on the moon! Invent NASA and tell them to get off their fannies!

Leela:
Oh, I'm sorry. Now I'll axe you again. Where is the mi-cro-wave?

Salesman:
Sir, your wife is hysterical, so I'll address this to you. This oven is lighting fast. It only takes five hours to cook a pot roast.

Prof. Farnsworth:
Ooh, that's good news! You know, you don't cook enough roasts, Leela.

[Leela turns on stove, setting the Professor's tie on fire]

Prof. Farnsworth:
[to salesman] Women!

General:
What's your purpose?

Zoidberg:
Alright, officer, I'll move it along.

Military Official:
What the general means is, why did you come to Earth?

Zoidberg:
Not a day goes by I don't ask myself the same question.

Leela:
Well, settle in. Without a microwave, we're stuck in this time period.

Prof. Farnsworth:
Oh, Lord! We'll have to endure the horrible music of the Big Bopper, and then the terrible tragedy of his death.

Bender:
Fry, stop interfering with history! I don't wanna have to memorize a lot of new kings when I get back.

Fry:
I had no choice. I was about to not exist. I could feel myself fading away, like Greg Kinnear.

Fry:
She sure is pretty. You ought to marry her and father some children right away.

Enos:
Yeah, folks say that. But did you ever get the feeling you're only going with girls 'cause you're supposed to?

Fry:
What?! Don't ever, ever say or think that again!

Prof. Farnsworth:
What the hell have you done, Fry?

Fry:
Relax! She can't be my grandmother. I figured it all out.

Prof. Farnsworth:
Of course she's your grandmother, you perverted dope! Look!

Mildred:
[wearing glasses and knitting] Come back to bed, deary.

Fry:
[screams] It's impossible! I mean, if she's my grandmother, who's my grandfather?

Prof. Farnsworth:
Isn't it obvious?

[Fry shakes his head.]

Prof. Farnsworth:
You are!

Bender:
You know, I was God once.

God Entity:
Yes, I saw. You were doing well, until everyone died.

God Entity:
Bender, being God isn't easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you, and if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch. Like a safecracker, or a pickpocket.

Bender:
Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money!

God Entity:
Yes, if you make it look like an electrical thing. When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.

Leela:
Look, I miss Bender almost half as much as you do, but you can't bring him back this way! It's hopeless!

Fry:
You can't give up hope just because it is hopeless! You gotta hope even more, and cover your ears, and go: "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!"

Leela:
Well, you obviously won't listen to reason... So I guess I'll listen to idioticness and come with you.

Bender:
O' cruel fate, to be thusly boned! Ask not for whom the bone bones - it bones for thee.

Bender:
That galaxy is signaling in binary. I should signal back, but I only know enough binary to ask where the bathroom is. You speak English?

God Entity:
I do now.

[Prof. Farnsworth is searching for Bender with his Smelloscope]

Leela:
Anything yet, professor?

Prof. Farnsworth:
I'm afraid the Smelloscope can't locate Bender. His fragrance is too mild. It's being overwhelmed by local sources.

[Everyone looks at Zoidberg]

Dr. Zoidberg:
Hooray! People are paying attention to me.

Bender:
So do you know I'm going to do something before I do it?

God Entity:
Yes.

Bender:
What if I do something else?

God Entity:
Then I don't know that.

Malachi:
My Lord, the infidels on your back no longer believe in you. They say their prayers go unheeded.

Bender:
Of course they go unheeded! How am I supposed to hear prayers coming out of my ass?

Fry:
Hmm...finding God. That's important, yeah. But you know what might be a treat for everyone? If you let me use the telescope to find my lost friend Bender.

Monk #1:
I don't know what to say, other than... absolutely not! Sure, your loss is a tragedy, but our work...

Fry:
Come on, you guys have forever to look for God. All I'm asking is one measly lifetime to find my friend.

Monk #2:
He speaks out of love for his friend. Perhaps that love in his heart is God.

Monk #1:
Oh, how convenient! A way of looking for God that doesn't require looking through a telescope. Get back to work!

Leela:
Oh, no, the monks! We forgot to let them out of the laundry room.

Fry:
Do we have to? They're monks, after all. I'm sure their God will let them out, or at least give them more shoes to eat.

Bender:
Fat chance! You can't count on God for jack! He pretty much told me so Himself. Now, come on. If we don't free those monks, no one will.

Fry:
So that's my story, Father Changstein el Gamahl. Is there anything religion can do?

Father Changstein el Gamahl:
Well, we could join together in prayer.

Fry:
Uh-huh, but is there anything useful we can do?

Father Changstein el Gamahl:
No.

Defrosted Neanderthal:
As a caveman frozen in a glacier, I faced different challenges. [crying] The hardest thing was seeing my wife on display in the British Museum.

That Guy:
There are two kinds of people: sheep and sharks. Anyone who is a sheep is fired. Who's a sheep?

Dr. Zoidberg:
Errr, excuse me... which is the one people like to hug?

That Guy:
Gutsy question. You're a shark.

Professor Farnsworth:
I'll ruin you like I ruined this company!

Leela:
Zoidberg owned 51% of the company?

Hermes:
The shares were worthless, and he kept asking for toilet paper!

Professor Farnsworth:
This isn't a business. I've always thought of it more of a source of cheap labour, like a family.

Hermes:
We can't compete with Mom! Her company is big and evil! Ours is small and neutral!

That Guy:
Switzerland is small and neutral! We're more like Germany, ambitious and misunderstood!

Amy:
Look, everyone wants to be like Germany, but do we really have the pure strength of will?

Leela:
We haven't made a single delivery since you took over!

That Guy:
Delivery has nothing to do with the delivery business!

Scruffy:
Now hold on there. Scruffy votes his forty thousand shares for the mysterious stranger.

Leela:
Forty thousand? How come you have four times as much stock as the rest of us?

Scruffy:
Scruffy believes in this company. [Sniffles]

Leela:
Oh my god! I'm a millionare! Suddenly I have an opinion on the capital gains tax!

That Guy:
Hairgel?

Fry:
No thanks. I make my own.

Mom:
[Watching Fry moon her] You call that a pressed ham? Walt, hit the retaliate button!

[Walt searches for the button]

Mom:
Press any button! They all retaliate!

That Guy:
Everyone's fired and we're out of business! [the Planet Express crew protest] I'm going to sell Planet Express to Mom, so she can gut the company and eliminate us as competitors!

Mom:
Don't let the door hit you on the way out, 'cause I don't want ass prints on my new door!

Dr. Zoidberg:
Once again, the conservative, sandwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor.

[eats the old rotten sandwich in his hand]

Dr. Zoidberg:
Oh, I'm ruined!

[Dr. Zoidberg has broken the professor's ship-in-a-bottle.]

Dr. Zoidberg:
Oh no! The professor will hit me! But if Zoidberg fixes it... then perhaps gifts!

Bender:
I decline the title of Iron Cook and accept the lesser title of Zinc Saucier, which I just made up. Uhh... also, comes with double prize money.

Koji:
Ironu... Cookuru!

Morbo:
So, Elzar, what will you be cooking for Morbo to devour with his mighty jaws?

Elzar:
Morbo, I'm gonna whip you up a nice, unnameable horror from beyond, with mango chutney.

Morbo:
Pathetic humans, prepare to write down the recipe!

Helmut Spargle:
[after tasting Bender's first meal] It is... acceptable.

Bender:
Yahoo! Another thing I'm great at. Wait, why'd you stopped eating, master?

Helmut Spargle:
Because, my stomach is about to explode.

Bender:
If it's chicken, chicken a la king. If it's fish, fish a la king. If it's turkey, fish a la king.

Fry:
Man, I don't wanna hurt Bender's feelings but this food actually tastes better as vomit!

Leela:
It's unbearable! How much do you think it would cost to have my tongue removed?

Morbo:
Welcome back. Our next guest has been teaching the world to cook for over 20 years. But apparently my, uh, wife hasn't been listening. I will destroy her!!!

Helmut Spargle:
You don't understand. Without the distraction of taste, your mind is free to touch the Zen of pure flavor. You could become the greatest chef ever.

Bender:
I could?

Helmut Spargle:
Yes. Just as Beethoven was a great composer because he was deaf.

Bender:
Or like how Rembrandt was blind and had wooden hands.

Zapp Brannigan:
I’m calling to negotiate a double date. You and me, Kif and Amy.

Leela:
Forget it.

Zapp Brannigan:
Then let the negotiations begin! I propose we go out on ten dates.

Leela:
How about zero?

Zapp Brannigan:
Nine.

Leela:
Zero.

Zapp Brannigan:
Seven.

Leela:
Zero.

Zapp Brannigan:
Eight.

Amy:
Please, Leela? Kif’s like the sweetest guy who’s ever liked me.

Zapp Brannigan:
Five, and that’s my final offer. Four!

Leela:
One.

Zapp Brannigan:
Two.

Leela:
One half.

Zapp Brannigan:
I’ll take it. We’ll meet you tonight for part of dinner and the first half of a movie.

Zapp Brannigan:
Well, well, well. This looks to be one disturbingly erotic date.

Leela:
Half-date.

Zapp Brannigan:
Waiter, bring us a bottle of wine.

Leela:
Half-bottle.

Zapp Brannigan:
And some oysters on the half-shell.

Leela:
Quarter-shell.

Automated dialing voice:
The number you have dialed has crashed into a planet. Please make a note of it.

Leela:
What planet is this, anyway?

Zapp Brannigan:
[shrugs] This whole sector is uncharted.

Kif:
It is not uncharted. You lost the chart.

Fry:
I'm Santa Claus!

Hermes:
No, I'm Santa Claus!

Amy:
We're also Santa Claus!

Dr. Zoidberg:
[with a heavenly aura around him] And I'm his friend, Jesus.

Fry:
Your Mayor-ness, if you execute him, you have to execute all of us.

Poopenmeyer:
You people aren't Santa. You're not even robots! Ninety-one. How dare you lie in front of Jesus! [The display shows "00"] Hey! Zero! [He throws the switch and sends the electricity through the electromagnets. Bender's arms and legs are pulled to them]

Bender:
No! Not the magnets! [His eyes widen. singing] Swing low, sweet chariot, coming for to carry me home. [The witnesses applaud] Swing low, sweet...

Fry:
This is horrible.

Prof. Farnsworth:
But it's not boring!

[Santa's sleigh crashes through the wall, knocking off one of the electromagnets]

Santa:
Ho, ho, ho! [He shoots the other electromagnet off the wall. Everyone scatters except for Fry, Leela, Bender and Poopenmeyer. Fry and Leela dive behind some rubble]

Poopenmeyer:
My God! The real Santa! Get him, Jesus!

Zoidberg:
I help those who help themselves.

[Santa shoots at him and he runs out. The sleigh lands]

Bender:
Santa! You saved my life. Please don't kill me!

Santa:
[laughs] I'm not here to kill you, Bender! I need you to help me save Xmas.

Bender:
Gee whiz, Santa! You want me to help you?

Fry:
Don't do it! He's evil!

Santa:
I know he is but I have no choice. I'm running late and if I don't complete my brutal rampage, well, it just wouldn't be Xmas. I guess what I'm asking is: Bender, won't you join my slaying tonight?

Bender:
Well ... 'tis the season!

[Santa pulls him out of his restraints and puts him in the sleigh. He climbs in and the sleigh flies off]

Fry:
Wait a minute! I know what's going on here... you've all become IDIOTS!

Bender:
Hey, let's all join the Reform Party!

Leela:
[handing Fry a note] This. You for this.

Fry:
Thanks.

[Fry blows his nose with the note, then tosses it into the fire]

Leela:
Noooooooo! [reaches into the fire] OWWWWW! Fire hot!

Professor Farnsworth:
[comes over] The Professy will help! [reaches into the fire] AHHH! Fire INDEED hot!

Leela:
Brain! Brain make people dumb!

Fry:
No, Leela. Brain make people SMART.

Fry:
Now he's trapped in a book I wrote: a crummy world of plot holes and spelling errors.

Big Brain:
The Big Brain am winning again! I am the greetest! Muahahahaha! Now I am leaving Earth for no raisin!

Fry:
[after Leela says that she was fine the way she was before] Yaaaaaaaaaay!

Leela:
Shut up, Fry.

Leela:
We're all trying to help you. We've petitioned the governor, but he doesn't want to appear soft on people who've been falsely imprisoned.

Bender:
Those pork dumplings sent us on a fake pizza delivery!

Fry:
The address was to "Dogdoo 8", but the universe ends right after Dogdoo 7.

Hermes:
[to Dwight] Child mon, is this true?

Dwight:
Yeah, but why are you mad at us? Your dummy brigade wasted a week on an obviously fake mission.

Cubert:
[points at Bender] Plus, they're making bootleg beer inside company property!

Bender:
[nervously] Lies! Lies and slander! [belches foam]

Farnsworth:
Accusing gentle Bender of a misdeed?! That's the last straw! You boys have been underfoot long enough!

Hermes:
You jerked the words right outta my mouth! We're their fathers, and it's high times we acted like it!

Bender:
[eagerly] Ooh-hoo! Here comes violence!

Hermes:
[clears his throat] Get a job, you lazy kids!

[Dwight and Cubert gasp]

Bender:
[groans, then gets out a baseball bat] I guess if you want children beaten, you have to do it yourself.

Hermes:
People, as you know, our young sons have become great successes in the very same field as us.

Bender:
All right!

Fry:
That's great!

Leela:
That's good.

Hermes:
Naturally, we're humiliated.

Farnsworth:
That's why we need you, our loyal crew, to make Planet Express eight-hundred-percent more profitable.

Hermes:
We'll start by slashing salaries. And this time, I mean REALLY slashing.

Leela:
Uh, guys, I don't know how to tell you this... so I'll just let Fry blurt it out thoughtlessly.

Fry:
[cheerfully] We don't work for you anymore!

[Hermes gasps]

Farnsworth:
What?!

[Dwight and Cubert have taken over Planet Express]

Hermes:
YOU ROTTEN KIDS! Uh, will you be hiring?

Dwight:
No.

Hermes:
YOU ROTTEN KIDS!

[Sal digs up a VW bus in front of Fry and Bender]

Bender:
What's that? One of those Led Zeppelins I've heard so much about?

Fry:
No, it's an old Volkswagen van. [to Sal, shouting] Hey, Mister? Mind if I take this old van?

Sal:
Sure. You wanna dump the corpses out of theres, it's yourses.

Fry:
Yeah, yeah, I've gotten used cars before.

[Cut to Fry pushing the VW bus into Planet Express]

Leela:
What's that? One of those Jefferson Starships I've heard so much about?

Fry:
It's called a van, and in light of the fact that it's not a-rockin', I invite you to come a-knockin'!

Fry:
She just needs some gas.

Prof. Farnsworth:
Wrong again, idiot. There is no gas. Petroleum preserves went dry in 2038.

Leela:
Gas was an environmental disaster, anyway. Now we use alternative fuels.

Fry:
Like what?

Leela:
Whale oil. Bender, lift it up to the can opener.

Bender:
Oh, no! I'm not going near it. Last time, that magnetic psycho nearly cut my head off.

Fry:
Oh, right. Plus, the magnet screws up your inhibition unit and makes you sing folk songs.

Bender:
What? Who said anything about me secretly wanting to be a folk singer? How ridiculous.

Fry:
Bender, if you don't open that can right now, your fear will own you, and nothing that can opener could ever do would be worse than that.

Bender:
OK, OK, I can do this. It's time to take life by the cans.

Leela:
Come on!

Hermes:
You can do it!

Amy:
Bender!

Farnsworth:
Go on, you dummy!

Bender:
Jimmy crack corn and I don't care,

Fry:
Oh, no!

Bender:
Jimmy crack corn and I don't care,

Bender:
'Cause the master's gone away.

Dr. Zoidberg:
[revealing a huge bag of popcorn behind a door] At least we've got food.

Leela:
Dr. Zoidberg, cut open that bag!

Dr. Zoidberg:
Hooray!

Leela:
And don't eat it!

Dr. Zoidberg:
Awww...

Bender:
[after Fry accidentally kills his grandfather] And you...are...outta here!

Fry:
Brace yourselves. Bender is making us brunch.

[Everyone gasps.]

Dr. Zoidberg:
Oh, boy!

Professor Farnsworth:
Oh, God! My tract! [clutches his stomach]

Bender:
Fleeing somewhere?

[Fry clears his throat.]

Fry:
With you blocking the only escape route? Don't be silly.

Bender:
In that case brunch is served! Let's go! Move it out! Stop crying, Leela!