Futurama, Season 4

Attila the Hun:
Stop! Don't shoot fire stick in space canoe! Cause explosive decompression!

Zapp Brannigan:
Spare me your space age technobabble, Attila the Hun!

Fry:
Check it out, y'all. Everyone who was invited is here.

Dr. Zoidberg:
Also Zoidberg.

Amy:
Spirit! Kif, that's the pony I always wanted but my parents said I had too many ponies already.

Kif:
Yes, I programmed it in for you. Four million lines of BASIC.

Amy:
You're going to Nigel 7? Kif's on patrol near there, you could drop me off on the way!

Prof. Farnsworth:
We could but we won't. It's a spaceship, damn it, not a prom limousine! If anyone needs me I'll be in the Angry Dome!

Zapp Brannigan:
Kif, I'm sensing a very sensual disturbance in the force. Prepare for ship-to-ship intimacy.

Evil Lincoln:
Real holographic simulated Evil Lincoln is BACK!!!

Kif:
Leela must have impregnated me when she grabbed my ungloved hand. That explains the poster in hygiene class: "No Glove, No Love".

Leela:
Wow, this is all so confusing.

Zapp Brannigan:
Leela! How could you? Our love has had to endure your constant hatred, and now this? [crying] Stop testing our love!

Leela:
There goes my DNA. What a disgusting and beautiful process.

Fry:
That's birth for you.

Kif:
Well, we've given them a great start, Amy. And in 20 years they'll sprout legs and crawl back onto land as children.

Amy:
I'll be ready then.

Fry:
I didn't ask for a completely reasonable excuse! I asked you to get busy!

Leela:
I usually try to keep my sadness pent up inside where it can fester quietly as a mental illness.

Fry:
Yeah, I do that with my stupidness.

Fry:
Just remember that people care about you.

Leela:
I know.

[They both look up at the stars.]

Leela:
Sometimes, when I'm lonely, I look up at the sky and I get this feeling that somewhere, on some unknown planet, circling a distant star, my parents are up there, looking down on me.

[Pan down to a drain under Fry and Leela where from the sewers a pair of Cyclopses look up at Leela.]

Hermes:
It looks like toxic waste. And it smells like toxic waste.

Fry:
What does it taste like?

Hermes:
Delicious fig pudding. Oh, that's good. But a distinct aftertaste of toxic waste.

Hermes:
I order you to dispose of that toxic waste properly or bribe me. Either way, it'll cost you $500.

Bender:
500 real dollars? That's an outrage! Professor, I can take care of that waste for only $499 and one hundred cents.

Prof. Farnsworth:
Hmm, I know that's a rip, but I'll pay for the convenience.

Fry:
Isn't there anything more you can tell me?

Warden Vogel:
Nothing that wouldn't be a waste of your time.

Fry:
That is impossible, because my time is worthless.

[Leela emerges from the mutagenic lake with an octopus on her head]

Leela:
The lake didn't mutate me. What is going on here?

Octopus:
It worked for me. I used to be a little blonde girl named Virginia.

Fry:
Leela, don't shoot!

Leela:
But they killed my parents!

Fry:
Close.

[Fry removes the hoods from the mutants, revealing that they are in fact Cyclopses]

Leela:
They are my parents.

[Bender and Planet Express Ship are arguing over using tax money to fund controversial art.]

Bender:
Would you censor the Venus de Venus just because you can see her spewers?

Planet Express Ship:
Ugh, it's filthy! Why not create a National Endowment for Strip Clubs while we're at it?!

Bender:
Why not indeed?!

Leela:
Bender! Ship! Stop bickering or I'm going to come back there and change your opinions manually!

Planet Express Ship:
I saw you at Elzar's with those two "ladies of the evening." Explain that.

Bender:
Okay, I like a challenge. [thinks for a second] Ah! I got it. I'm going to be completely honest with you, Planet Express Ship. Those women you saw me with were my accountants.

Planet Express Ship:
Your accountants? Oh, I would dearly love to believe that were true. So I will!

Gwen:
Knowing which pickup lines fizzle, and which ones sizzle keeps us on the cutting edge of flirtation technology!

Robot Dummy A:
Is heaven missing an angel? Because you've got nice cans!

(Test subject eyes dummy in annoyance)

Robot Dummy B:
My two favorite things are commitment and changing myself.

(Test subject brings the dummy into a deep embrace)

Leela:
Does that dummy have a brother?

Ndnd:
What is this emotion you humans call "wuv?"

Lrrr:
Surely it says "love."

Ndnd:
No, "wuv," with an earth w. Behold.

Lrrr:
This concept of "wuv" confuses and infuriates us!

Fry:
You could have picked a better time to break up with the ship, Bender.

Bender:
Ah, the moment felt right. Call me old-fashioned, but I like a dump to be as memorable as it is devastating.

Prof. Farnsworth:
Remember, we need to show these people that we are not bitter husks of human beings, who long ago abandoned hope of finding love in this lifetime. Leela, you'll have to do some acting.

Leela:
Check.

Lrrr:
This is ancient Earth's most foolish program. Why does Ross, the largest friend, not simply eat the other five?

Ndnd:
Perhaps they are saving that for sweeps.

Planet Express Ship:
Oh, honey, look! The tapirs! It says here that the babies lose their pajama-like coat after their first year. Isn't that interesting, honey?

Bender:
Yep, mind-numbingly interesting.

Planet Express Ship:
I'm afraid I can't do that, Leela.

Lucy Liu:
[Inside Bender's compartment] Who are you talking to?

Bender:
No one, baby. Lucy Liu is the only woman for Bender.

Lucy Liu:
I love y... [Bender closes door on her]

Dr. Zoidberg:
[voice-over] As the candy hearts poured into the fiery quasar, a wondrous thing happened, why not. They vaporized into a mystical love radiation that spread across the universe, destroying many, many planets, including two gangster planets and a cowboy world. But one planet was exactly the right distance to see the romantic rays but not be destroyed by them: Earth. So all over the world couples stood together in joy. And me, Zoidberg. And no one could have been happier unless it would have also been Valentine's Day. What? It was? Hooray!

Leela:
Man, I'm sore all over. I feel like I just went ten rounds with mighty Thor.

Fry:
I feel like I was mauled by Jesus.

Fry:
Wow! A superpowers drug you can just rub onto your skin? You'd think it would be something you'd have to freebase.

Prof. Farnsworth:
Good news anyone! The Swedish robot from pi-kea is here with the super collider I ordered.

Prof. Farnsworth:
Bad news, nobody! The super-collider super-exploded. I need you to take it back and exchange it for a wobbly CD rack and some of those rancid meatballs.

Leela:
I'm getting a one-day pass for my parents from city hall.

Hermes:
While you're there, can you get me a license to kill?

Leela:
Sure. Fire arms of bare hands?

Hermes:
Which one does piano wire fall under?

Fry:
When you were a kid, what was your biggest fantasy?

Leela:
To have parents.

Fry:
Whatever. The correct answer is, to be a superhero!

[Fry and Leela test out their superpowers]

Leela:
Ability to command the loyalty of sea creatures?

Fry:
Hey, Zoidberg! Get in here!

Dr. Zoidberg:
(fainly, from another room) Screw you!

Leela:
Ain't got that.

Fry:
Nope

Leela:
We have to keep our secret identities secret!

Fry:
From everybody?

Leela:
Especially from everybody!

Fry:
Give several reasons why.

Nixon's Head:
In our darkest hour, we can stand erect, with proud upthrust bosoms.

Fry:
Anyone who laughs is a communist!

[Old Man Waterfall takes a stand against the Decapodian Mobile Oppression Palace.]

Old Man Waterfall:
You can crush me but you can't crush my spirit!

[He is crushed.]

Old Man Waterfall:
Aagh, my spirit! Urrgh!

Old Man Waterfall:
That's right, I'm a polygamist.

Crowd:
Boo!

[later]

Supreme justice:
And, in a rare double-whammy, we also find polygamy to be constitutional.

Crowd:
Boo!

Old Man Waterfall:
I can't wait to tell my husband!

Crowd:
(louder) Boo!

Fry:
Wow! Nude hot-tubbing - that's all I need to hear about Freedom Day!

Dr. Zoidberg:
Then consider the following lecture a bonus.

Richard Nixon's Head:
My fellow Earthicans, we enjoy so much freedom, it's almost sickening. We're free to chose which hand our sex-monitoring chip is implanted in. And if we don't want to pay our taxes, why, we're free to spend a week with the Pain Monster.

The Pain Monster:
See you April 15th, folks!

Leela:
Dr. Zoidberg, how can you claim to love freedom and then enslave humanity?

Dr. Zoidberg:
Bah! Your planet doesn't deserve freedom until it learns what it is not to have freedom. It's a lesson, I say!

Leela:
Cool your jowls, Nixon. You may not like it that Dr. Zoidberg desecrated a flag. You might even find the image of it festering in his bowels somehow offensive. But the right to Freedom of Expression is guaranteed by the Earth Constitution!

Richard Nixon's head:
Is that so? Well, I happen to know a place where the Constitution doesn't mean squat!

[Cut to the U.S. Supreme Court]

Leela:
As unclean as it makes me feel, I agree with Bender. Kids don't turn rotten just because of what they see on TV.

Fry:
Yeah. Give a little credit to our public schools.

Announcer:
[on TV] We now join America's most popular show already in progress, Everybody Loves Hypno-Toad.

[The TV cuts into the episode. The Hypno-Toad does nothing except sit, hypnotising his audience]

Fry:
This show's been going downhill since season three.

Bender:
Have you ever tried just turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them?

Bender:
I got ants in my butt, and I needs to strut!

[Cubert and Dwight have been watching Bender on television]

Cubert:
Hey dad, bite my shiny metal ass!

Professor:
What?! Such an action would be extremely uncomfortable for both of us!

Calculon:
That was so terrible, I think you gave me cancer! I don't care how popular you are, you will never work on my show!

Fry:
Yay, Bender!

Leela:
We demand Bender!

Calculon:
However, you've got the job.

Prof. Farnsworth:
Those ruffians smoked one of your cigars.

Hermes:
That's not a cigar... and it's not mine.

Fry:
What kind of bozos would form a Bender protest group?

Prof. Farnsworth:
Good news, everyone! Hermes and I have formed a Bender protest group.

Dr. Zoidberg:
That was uncanny.

Leela:
Bender, your swarthy Latin charm will only get you so far. There are a lot of professional child robots here.

Fry:
Look, there's Macaulay Cul-kon.

Leela:
He's just not cute since he had puberty installed.

Hermes:
Well, I'd say we all learned a valuable lesson about TV there.

Cubert:
What was it?

Prof. Farnsworth:
Uh ... that we should all take TV a little less seriously. And more importantly, turn it off once in a while.

Dwight:
So, should we turn it off now?

Prof. Farnsworth:
Well, uh, that depends what's on.

Fry:
Nothing good.

Prof. Farnsworth:
Ah, let's just keep watching.

Fry:
Wow. They discovered an intact 20th century pizzeria. Just like the one I used to work at.

Bender:
Interesting. No, wait, the other thing: tedious.

Fry:
You can see how I lived before I met you.

Bender:
You lived before you met me?!

Fry:
Yeah, lots of people did.

Bender:
Really?!

Crowd:
What do you want?

Fry:
Fry's dog!

Crowd:
When do you want it?

Fry:
Fry's dog!

Fry:
Bender, this has nothing to do with you.

Bender:
That's impossible!

Robo-Puppy:
Robo-Puppy commencing two hour yipping session.

[Robo-Puppy does so. Bender, frustrated, kicks it across the room where it hits the wall and falls to the ground]

Robo-Puppy:
[as a siren begins to wail out] Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert! Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert!

Bender:
Fry, what's wrong?

Fry:
Think about it: Seymour lived a full life after I was gone... He probably even added new songs to his repertoire.

Bender:
But that's a good thing. "Walkin' On Sunshine" sucks noodles.

Fry:
I had Seymour 'till he was three. That's when I knew him, and that's when I loved him... I'll never forget him...

[He picks up the fossil and looks into its apparent eyes]

Fry:
But he forgot me a long, long time ago...

[He kisses his dog on the head, places him on the broken machine, casts a last look of good-bye, and leaves]

Fry:
I have a pizza here for Seymour Asses.

Man:
There isn't anybody by that name here. Or anywhere. I hope in time you realize how stupid you are.

Fry:
I wouldn't count on it.

Leela:
Acting like a moron won't solve anything.

Fry:
Then all hope is lost!

Bender:
Robo-Puppy, lick my cheek.

Robo-Puppy:
Robo-Puppy preparing to lick cheek. (It's tongue comes out) Robo-Puppy commencing cheek-licking. Licking in progress. Licking complete.

Bender:
Fry, I'm sorry. I should have understood how someone can love an inferior creature... because I love you... not in the way of the ancient Greeks, but the way a robot loves a human, and a human loves a dog, and, occasionally, a gorilla loves a kitty

Al Gore:
My fellow Earthicans, as I discuss in my book "Earth in the Balance," and the much more popular "Harry Potter and the Balance of Earth," we need to defend our planet against pollution. As well as dark wizards.

Dark Wizard in the Audience:
Sure, blame the wizards!

Morbo:
Morbo wishes these stalwart nomads peace among the Dutch tulips

Linda:
I'm sure those windmills will keep them cool.

Morbo:
WINDMILLS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY! GOODNIGHT!

Al Gore:
I have ridden the mighty moon worm!

Truck:
Calling all scientists, calling all scientists!

Scientist:
I've got a degree in homeopathic healing!

Truck:
You've got a degree in baloney! [sprays him with water]

Prof. Farnsworth:
A billion robots' lives are going to be extinguished! Ooh, the Jedis are going to feel this one...

Bender:
Look, I love life and all its pleasures as much as anyone...except perhaps you, Hedonism Bot! But we need to be shut off... especially you, Hedonism Bot!

Hedonism Bot:
I apologize for nothing!

Randy:
They called me crazy for building this ark.

Randy's Partner:
You ARE crazy. You filled it with same sex animal couples.

Randy:
Hey, there are parts of the Bible I like and parts I don't like.

Fry:
Oh, my God! It's out of ice, like some outer space Motel 6!

Leela:
Completely out of ice?

Bender:
This could mean the end of the banana daiquiri as we know it! Also, life.

Wernstrom:
Per your orders, I modified my mirror to fire a colossal electromagnetic pulse at the Galapagos. Every robot will be instantly and painfully terminated. Now for your part of the bargain.

Richard Nixon's head:
Aroo! Very well. Agnew, you belong to Wernstrom now.

Headless body of Spiro Agnew:
Rrrrrrr!

Richard Nixon's head:
For saving Earth and foiling me, I proudly yet angrily present you with our new highest honor: the Polluting Medal of Pollution.

Linda:
With Halley's Comet out of ice, Earth is experiencing a sudden case of global warming.

Morbo:
Morbo is pleased but sticky.

Dr. Zoidberg:
Strange. Why would Nixon, an awkward, uncomfortable man, suddenly throw a party, one of the most social events imaginable? Is a trap, is why! They're going to deactivate all the robots! [pause] I don't hear any gasping.

Leela:
We all figured that out.

Dr. Zoidberg:
Aw...

Documentary Narrator:
Fortunately, our handsomest politicians came up with a cheap, last minute way to combat global warming. Ever since 2063, we simply drop a giant ice cube into the ocean now and again.

Suzie:
Just like daddy puts in his drink every morning. Then he gets mad.

Documentary Narrator:
Of course, because the greenhouse gasses are still building up, it takes more and more ice each time, thus solving the problem once and for all.

Suzie:
But...

Documentary Narrator:
Once and for all!

Professor Farnsworth:
I've got to find a way to escape the horrible ravages of youth. Suddenly, I'm going to the bathroom like clockwork, every three hours. And those jerks at Social Security stopped sending me checks. Now I have to pay them!

Professor Farnsworth:
Oh, I don't have time for this. I have to go and buy a single piece of fruit with a coupon and then return it, making people wait behind me while I complain.

Professor Farnsworth:
But I like being old. I don't have to talk to my parents, no one asks me to help move their stuff, I don't need to understand today's "edgy" TV sitcoms

Professor Farnsworth:
Fifty-three years old? Oh... now I'll need a fake ID to rent ultraporn!

Professor Farnsworth:
With my last breath, I curse Zoidberg!

[While looking for the gargoyle Pazuzu, Farnsworth stops at a diner in Florida]

Bender:
Yo, Captain Catarats. Why are we stopping here?

Professor Farnsworth:
It's almost 2:30. Just in time for the early bird dinner special.

Fry:
What about your gargoyle?

Professor Farnsworth:
The wha?

Mandy:
So this is the famous Fry. What is he, like, the biggest loser on the surface so he has to hang out in the sewer?

Fry:
They're onto me.

Fry:
We miss the turn. We'll never catch up.

Leela:
Yes we will. This pipe goes under Planet Express, and it's 9:00 PM.

[cut to Planet Express; toilet flushes]

Professor Farnsworth:
The devil take this predictable colon!

Morris:
Let's all have some tequila to celebrate!

Leela:
Dad, I'm underage!

Morris:
Oh, right. Here's a silly straw.

[after Leela refuses the treatment to restore her age]

Fry:
Bye Leela. I'll come visit you when I'm all grown up.

Leela:
[whispering] Bring beer.

Morris:
No beer until you finish your tequila!

Heather:
Sir, it's not necessary or wise to be naked.

Professor Farnsworth:
Oh! You sound just like my tennis instructor!

Fry:
But I know you in the future. I cleaned your poop.

Nibbler:
Quite possible. We live long and are celebrated poopers.

Ken:
You are the last hope of the universe.

Fry:
So I really am important? How I feel when I'm drunk is correct?

Ken:
Yes, except the Dave Matthews Band doesn't rock.

Fry:
There are guys in the background of Mary Worth comics who are more important than me.

Big Brain:
Detecting trace amounts of mental activity, possibly a dead weasel or a cartoon viewer.

Ken:
Does he not know?

Nibbler:
He does not know.

Fiona:
He knows not?

Nibbler:
Knows not does he.

Male Nibblonian 2:
Not he knows?

Ken:
Enough!

Leela:
We're back from the mission!

Fry:
Wh-What? You went without me?

Bender:
You were looking up curse words in the dictionary. It seemed like a better use of your time.

Fry:
But-- But I'm the delivery boy.

Leela:
Don't worry. Everything went fine.

Bender:
Better than usual!

Leela:
We got medals!

Nibbler:
I hereby place an order for one cheese pizza.

Mr. Panucci:
One pie, nothing good on it. Name?

Nibbler:
I period C period Weinner.

Nibbler:
Do you remember some months ago when the Earth was under attack by flying brains?

Fry:
Hmmm. I remember the square-dancing stomachs, but that might have been a Mylanta commercial.

Nibbler:
Well now it's your choice. Is there nothing in the future worth saving?

Fry:
Hm. Leela. But she doesn't think much of me.

Nibbler:
Ah, she must be The Other.

Fry:
What?

[The chair starts to tip back and Fry holds the leg.]

Nibbler:
You must not give up on her. I am stationed on a distant world known as Vergon 6. But, if you return to the future, I will transfer to Earth to give you what help I can.

Fry:
You really think I would have had a chance with Leela?

Nibbler:
You must choose: The present or the future? To save yourself or to save Leela.

Crowd:
...One!

[Past Fry leans back on his chair and blows his noise maker. Future Fry blows the chair and Past Fry tumbles back into the cryo-tube which freezes him.]

[The brains have told Fry to see what happened the night he was frozen.]

Fry:
What happened to me, Philip J. Fry, on December 31, 1999?

Huge Brain:
Clarification request! Are you the Philip J. Fry from Earth, or the Philip J. Fry from Hovering Squid World 97-A?

Big Brain:
Earth, you fat idiot!

Leela:
You may not be the most important person in the universe, but I'm really glad to see you right now.

Fry:
Then I am the most important person in the universe.

[Leela kisses him]

Fry:
Yes!!

Leonard Nimoy:
Melllvar, you have to respect your actors. When I directed Star Trek IV, I got a magnificent performance out of Bill because I respected him so much.

William Shatner:
And when I directed Star Trek V, I got a magnificent performance out of me because I respected me so much.

Walter Koenig:
When we woke up, we had these bodies.

Fry:
Say it in Russian!

Walter Koenig:
[sigh] Ven ve voke up, ve had zese wodies.

Fry:
Eeeee! Now say "nuclear wessels"!

Walter Koenig:
No!

Fry:
[after Welshy gets electrocuted by Melllvar] WELLLLSHIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

William Shatner:
I have an idea! Wasn't there an episode where I threw my shoe at the enemy?

Leonard Nimoy:
You mean Doohan?

(both men giggle and snicker and follow up with a high-five)

Fry:
Look at Walter Koenig. After Star Trek, he became an actor.

Walter Koenig:
Not just an actor, but a well-rounded person. With my own friends and credit cards and keys.

Star Trek Priest:
...And Scotty beamed them to the Klingon ship, where there would be no tribble at all.

[Fry is in a Captain Pike-style life-support machine]

Zapp Brannigan:
Do you understand the charges?

Kif Kroker:
One beep for yes, two beeps for no.

[Fry beeps once]

Zapp Brannigan:
Yes, so noted. Do you plead guilty?

[Fry beeps twice]

Zapp Brannigan:
Double yes. Guilty.

[Leonard Nimoy is introducing the cast of Star Trek]

Leonard Nimoy:
Nichelle, George, Walter, DeForest, Welshie...

Fry:
"Welshie"?

Nichelle Nichols:
We did some musical reunion specials in the 22-hundreds, but the guy who played Scotty had trouble yodeling.

William Shatner:
[Singing in his trademark style] I'm Slim Shady. Yes, I'm the real Slim Shady. All you other Slim Shadies are immitatin'. So, would the real Slim Shady please stand up? Please stand up, please stand up.

Walter Koenig:
How can anyone do a spoken word version of a rap song?

Melllvar:
He found a way.

[Leela is now in the Captain Pike-style life-support machine]

Zapp Brannigan:
The court will now hear some very sensual testimony from this court's ex-lover, Turanga Leela.

Leela:
Go [beep] yourself.

Fry:
I am literally angry with rage!

George Takei:
You see, the show was banned after the Star Trek wars.

Zapp Brannigan:
You mean the mass migration of Star Wars fans?

Nichelle Nichols:
No, that was the Star Wars trek.

Leela:
For 100 Quatloos, who did the Captain maroon on Ceti Alpha V?

William Shatner:
KHAAAAAAAAAAN!

Fry:
Uh... Khan?

Leela:
Correct.

Leela:
Burn on that old crew! The only things they did better than us were suck and die.

LaBarabra Conrad:
Husband, can't you go anywhere without lighting something up?

Hermes Conrad:
It's an old Jamaican accounting tradition: we burn his timecard. That way, his zombie doesn't come back looking for his final pay check.

Leela:
[Is lying on a table her head lying in a box] Is this some brain scanner professor?

Prof. Farnsworth:
Some sort yes. In France it is called a guillotine! [Pulls a lever]

Leela:
AAGH!!! [Gets off the table just as the knife flies down and slices the box in half] Professor!! Can't you examine my brain without removing it???!

Prof. Farnsworth:
Yes...very easily.

Bender:
All those times I said "Kill all humans," I'd always whisper "except one". Fry was that one. [sobbing] And I never told him so!

Leela:
Maybe I am freaking out a little.

Bender:
A little? You're screwier than my Aunt Rita. And she's a screw!

Father Changstein-El-Gamal:
I barely knew Philip, but as a clergyman I have no problem telling his most intimate friends all about him.

Hermes:
Soothe us with sweet lies.

Father Changstein:
It may comfort you to know that Fry's death took only fifteen seconds, yet the pain was so intense, that it felt to him like fifteen years. And it goes without saying, it caused him to empty his bowels.

[Everyone gasps]

Leela:
That proves it! Fry is alive somewhere and he's reaching me in my dreams!

Prof. Farnsworth:
Bull-pies!

Fry:
Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun?

Leela:
I'll find Fry's coffin, get his corpse, and keep it under my mattress to remind me that he's really dead. That'll prove I'm not insane!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth:
These bees are larger than most Buicks, and twice as ugly.

Fry:
Larger than an American sedan? How big is the honeycomb?

Hermes:
Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bender:
It's not small?

Hermes:
No, no, no.

Leela:
[crying] It's all my fault! He died because of me!

Farnsworth:
[comforting] No, no, no, no, no, no. [shouting to Bender] I'm lying to make her feel better!

[Leela cries harder.]

Bender:
Just once I'd like to eat dinner with a celebrity who isn't bound and gagged.

Bender:
Professor, make a woman out of me.

Professor Farnsworth:
Oh, I think we should just stay friends.

Professor Farnsworth:
You've fallen into the final debilitating stages of womanhood.

Olympics Commentator:
Barbados Slim takes an early lead. God, I hope he wins. What's this? Hermes Conrad is closing the gap. He's limbo-ed out of retirement and straight into my heart. I say go to hell, Barbados Slim!

Bender:
My dreams are over before they began!

Dr. Zoidberg:
[happily] Welcome to my life! [starts crying]

Bender:
Something tells me I could easily beat those trained professionals...

Bender:
This outfit makes me look fat. Is it trampy to go on a first date nude?

Prof. Farnsworth:
Turn off that crap-o-rama! One mistake now, and Bender will be trapped forever between the already ill-defined robot sexes. [Uses a hammer and a chisel on Bender]

Fry:
Well, Bender, I hope this has taught you a lesson about changing your sex to win five gold medals.

Bender:
[Soft voice] It truly has. My romance with Calculon has shown me a lot about myself.

Prof. Farnsworth:
Almost done...

Bender':
[Continuing in a soft voice] If only somehow, some way...he and I could drive to Vegas pick up some floozy-bots and void their warranties all night long! Whoo!

Fry:
Yay, my buddy's home!

Bender:
I'm sorry, guys. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in.

Hermes:
Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! Also, we're dying!

Bender:
Robot 1-X, save my friends! And Zoidberg!

Speaker:
Presenting the woman who "Mom"-opolizes the robot industry...

Fry:
I get it!

Speaker:
MOM!

Fry:
Ohhh, now I get it!

Prof. Wernstrom:
Ladies and gentlemen, my killbot has Lotus Notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available.

Prof. Farnsworth:
Like fun it is, you glass-headed wallaby!

Prof. Wernstrom:
No one calls me that! I'm having at you!

Prof. Farnsworth:
Wernstrom!

[They fight]

Farnsworth Killbot:
Such senseless violence.

Wernstrom Killbot:
Come on, let's go for a paddle-boat ride.

Bender:
[downgraded to wood] Behold, my hand crafted glory! The technological world can bite my splintery, wooden ass!

Bender:
A working cartridge unit? You guys went obsolete years ago.

Cartridge Unit:
[inserts "snappy comeback" cartridge] Your mother!

Professor Farnsworth:
Oh Lordy Lou, HELP! Buddha, Zeus, God! One of you guys do something! Help! Satan, you owe me!

Professor Farnsworth:
Now, now. Perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything.

Bender-1:
Bite my glorious golden ass!

Leela:
Uh, have you robot versions of you guys seen any extra Zoidbergs around here?

Robo Fry:
NEGATIVE. WILL-YOU-GO-OUT-WITH-ME.

Leela:
Uh, ACCESS-DENIED.

Robo Fry:
(head explodes)

Prof. Farnsworth-1:
It's the Apocalypse all right. I always thought I'd have a hand in it.

Leela-1:
Fine, you be crummy Universe "A", and we'll be Universe "1".

Fry-1:
Yeah, or the Mongooses, that's a good team name. "The Fighting Mongooses."

Hermes-A:
Like my grammy always said, if you want a box hurled into the sun, you got to do it yourself. God rest her zombie bones...

Bender-1:
This is awful. Somewhere there's a more evil Bender than me. I do my best, dammit!

[In a hippe-like universe]

Prof. Farnsworth-420:
Dig it! All you fitting in this box is like seriously freaked up!

Prof. Farnsworth-1:
Nonsense, there's a whole universe in there.

Prof. Farnsworth-420:
Dude, there's a universe in all of us.

Amy-420:
Right on, Professor Freaksworth!

[Prof. Farnsworth-420 trys to give Farnsworth-A a flower.]

Prof. Farnsworth-A:
Get a job!

Prof. Farnsworth:
There. That space-time eversion has given us their box and vice versa.

Leela:
So, what you think you just explained to us is that-

Prof. Farnsworth:
Correct! This box contains our own universe.

[In Universe XVII, a Roman Empire-like universe]

Bender-1:
Hey, pal, look what I snagged from the Leprechaun Universe! [He opens his chest cabinet and pulls out a crock o' gold.]

Bender-A:
Yeah, Leprechaun Universe is fine ... if you haven't seen Pirate Universe! [He pulls out a treasure chest.]

Bender-1:
Faith and begorra!

Prof. Farnsworth XVII:
Quae?

Amy-1:
Hello? Did you see two smelly lobsters?

Hermes-25:
We didn't see anything ...

[Leela-25, Hermes-25 and Fry-25 turn around. They have no eyes.]

Hermes-25:
... ever!

Hermes:
With a warning label this big, you know they gotta be fun!

[Morbo's wife is adjusting his tie.]

Morbo:
Stop it, stop it. It's fine. I will destroy you!

Bender:
You seem a tad wound up, buddy. And your face is greasy. Real greasy. You been up all night?

Fry:
Of course I've been up all night! Not because of caffeine, it was insomnia. I couldn't stop thinking about coffee. I need a nap. [snores and then wakes up] Coffee time!

Bender:
[Gets cigar out] Ah, mighty fine smokable...

Fry:
Fancy cigar. Why don't you smoke it already? Puff, puff, go, go, go, go, go!

Bender:
What to do, what to do. One 300 dollar hookerbot or 300 one dollar hookerbots?

Richard Nixon's Head:
The loot! The loot! The loot is on fire!

[In the credits]

Roseanne Barr:
Futurama: Noun. Definition: Oh, I don't know. You just watched it, dummy. What are you asking me for? Here's a fun definition. Idiot: Noun. You! This has been Roseanne, your guide to the world of facts.

Hermes:
Dwight, the boots only cost me 299 dollars and 99 cents. Here, you spend the penny on whatever you want.

Dwight:
Thanks, dad. I think I'll invest it on five shares of Amazon.com.

Hermes:
A risk taker. That's my boy.

Zapp Brannigan:
The Spiderians, though weak and woman-like on the battlefield, are masters of the textile arts. Taste like king crab, by the way. Crazy bugs actually wove this tapestry of my heroic conquest while I was still killing them.

Leela:
I'd like a pass to swim with Mushu.

Whale Biologist:
Well, you asked the right guy. I'm the whale biologist. Though personally I hate whales. Especially Mushu.

Porno-dealing Lizard:
I videotape every customer that comes in here, so that I may blackmail them later.

Planet Express crew:
Eew!

Porno-dealing Lizard:
Hey, I'm a porno-dealing monster. What do I care what you think?

Ndnd:
For the last time, I don't like lilacs! Your first wife was the one who liked lilacs.

Lrrr:
She also liked to shut up.

Fry:
We've been to every scuzzy bazaar in the galaxy, including Pottery Barn.

Farnsworth:
Don't tell me you believe in Bigfoot, you blithering ninny-hammer.

Fry:
Of course I do. Bigfoot's my hero. Growing up, he was the celebrity I most identified with.

Dr. Zoidberg:
Why?

Fry:
'Cause he was a loner who hated the popular monsters, yet longed to be one.

Dr. Zoidberg:
I can so relate to that.

[Zoidberg begins crying and hugs Leela. She breaks off from him]

Leela:
Enough with the emotions. This isn't a fat camp.

Lrrr:
One of these days, Ndnd - bang, zoom, straight to the third moon of Omicron Persei 8!

Professor Farnsworth:
Fry, what in Sega Genesis happened?

Fry:
Wait! Listen. I'm usually the first guy to toot my own lower horn--

Bender:
I'll say! Wooooo!

Fry:
But in this case I-I just don't think it'll do any good.

Bender:
That's what she said! Wooooo!

Lrrr:
Mmm, this jerked chicken is good. I think I'll have Fry's lower horn jerked.

Bender:
It's used to it. Woooo!

Fry:
Yes! I never thought I'd escape with my doodle, but I pulled it out!

Bender:
(Off screen) Just like at the movie theater! Woooo!

Lrrr:
This human's lower horn is one of God's creatures, a living thing, and all living things, large and small--

Bender:
[off-screen] In this case "small"! Wooooo!

Leela:
Well, Fry, it looks like you get to hold onto your lower horn.

Bender:
As usual! Wooooo!

[In the end credits.]

Narrator:
You're on a scenic route through a state recreation known as the human mind. You ask a passer-by for directions, only to find he has no face or something. Suddenly, up ahead, a door in the road. You swerve, narrowly avoiding The Scary Door.

[In a lab, a mad scientist pours stuff from one bottle to another.]

Scientist:
I have combined the DNA of the world's most evil animals to make the most evil creature of them all.

[He pours the liquid into a machine and it crackles and a door in it opens. A human male emerges from the smoke.]

Man:
It turns out it's Man

[Dramatic incidental music.]

Robot Devil:
This opera's as lousy as it is brilliant! Your lyrics lack subtlety. You can't just have your characters announce how they feel. That makes me feel angry!

Hedonismbot:
Less reality, more fantasy. Resume the opera!

Fry:
But I can't play anymore!

Zoidberg:
Yes you can! The music was in your heart, not your hands!

[Fry begins playing off-key and the audience starts booing.]

Zoidberg:
Your music is bad and you should feel bad!

Leela:
Hey, guys. You missed a great delivery to Space Earth. Where you been all afternoon?

Fry:
At, uh, uh, a concert.

Leela:
Ooh, was it jazz noodling? My ex-boyfriend Sean played the sax. I used to listen for hours while he sat naked on my couch and improvised.

Bender:
So musicians really Rodger your Hammerstein, huh?

Leela:
Yeah, it's weird; Sean was uneducated, unambitious. He was pasty and hunched--

Fry:
[quietly] Pretty boy...

Leela:
But when he played I could sense this incredible, beautiful creative soul. Then one day I found someone else's couch fibers on his butt.

Fry:
That could be my beautiful soul sitting naked on her couch. If I could just learn to play this stupid thing.

Bender:
Oh, but you can. But you may have to metaphorically make a deal with the devil. And by "devil", I mean Robot Devil. And by "metaphorically", I mean get your coat.

[Robot Devil interrupts Fry's opera]

Fry:
Look, what do you want?

Robot Devil:
I want my hands back.

Fry:
Never!

[Singing] A deal's a deal, even with a dirty dealer.

Robot Devil:
Very well,

Then I'll take what I want from Leela.

[The spotlight moves from the stage to Leela. The Robot Devil extends his arms and pulls her from her seat onto the stage.]

Robot Devil:
Leela has promised me her hand.

Leela:
Fry, you do not understand.

[The music slows down and the spotlight narrows as Leela walks across the stage.]

I should have revealed I've been deafened by Bender, the shame, the shame,

But I feared you'd stop writing this musical splendor,

Deception's the curse of my whimsical gender,

He gave me mechanical ears, effective though just a bit garish,

In return without shedding a tear, I agreed that I'd give him my hand-

Robot Devil:
In marriage!

Leela:
What?

Robot Devil:
You'd give me your hand in marriage. [He gets down on one knee. The audience watches.]

Hermes:
Is this really happening or just being staged?

Farnsworth:
It can't be real-

Amy:
Not if Leela is engaged.

Leela:
That isn't what I meant, that isn't what I signed.

Robot Devil:
You should have checked the wording in my fine...Print.

Leela:
"I'll give you my hand..."

Leela and Robot Devil:
"In marriage."

[In the audience, Bender reads from a dictionary.]

Bender:
"The use of words expressing something other than their literal intention",

Now...that...IS "irony".

[The Robot Devil pulls Preacherbot out of his seat and onto the stage.]

Robot Devil:
I will marry her now and confine her to hell, how droll, how droll!

Where Styx is a river, and not just a band,

Though they'll play our reception if all goes as planned,

Unless, Fry, you surrender my hands!

[Fry looks at the hands on his wrists. The spotlight narrows over him.]

Fry:
Destiny has cheated me,

By forcing me to decide upon,

The woman that I idolize,

Or the hands of an automaton,

Without these hands I can't complete,

The opera that was captivating her,

But if I keep them, and she marries him,

Then he probably won't want me dating her...

[The audience applauds and cheers.]

Richard Nixon's Head:
Arooo!

Zapp Brannigan:
Bray-vo! Enn-core!

Farnsworth:
I can't believe the devil is so unforgiving.

Dr. Zoidberg:
I can't believe everybody's just ad-libbing!

Preacherbot:
By the power vested in me, by the state of New New York-

Fry:
No! Stop! Take my hands! You evil, metal dork!

Leela:
Please don't stop playing, Fry. I wanna hear how it ends.

Kif:
Oh, this is the happiest moment of my life! You all brought such wonderful gifts. But the greatest gift...

Bender:
Mine!

Kif:
...is the bond I share with my smizmar, Amy. For soon, the quivering mass of life within me will depend on us both. Even now, I can sense it feeding, squirming, searching, questing. And shortly, it will rend my loins in twain, burst forth and pull us down, down, down into the deep, dark waters of commitment.

Dr. Zoidberg:
That's so beautiful!

Leela:
Am I a game to you?! Or some kind of even more boring Truman Show?!

Zoidberg:
[While doing a Russian dance] Freedom, Freedom, Freedom, Oy! Freedom, Freedom, Freedom, Oy!

Fry:
There's no denying it; the future's crazy. Oh, well. Don't want to stand out.

[Fry joins Zoidberg]

Fry and Zoidberg:
Freedom, Freedom, Freedom, Oy! Freedom, Freedom, Freedom, Oy!

Zoidberg:
There's nothing crazy about it! It's just freedom day! [Garbles like crazy]

[On an episode of "All My Circuits"]

Calculon:
Let me get this straight: Does anyone here not have amnesia?

Bender:
[after Fry's apparent death] Oh, who will make Bender waffles just the way he likes them now?

Robot 1-X:
[while hitting himself with a sledgehammer] Does Mr. Bender wish me to destroy myself?

Bender-1:
This throws my entire perception of reality into question. Clone? Robot? Or long-lost twin? Taking all bets! I also offer video poker.

Fry:
There but for the flip of a coin go we. So, um, Leela? Seeing how the universe wasn't destroyed, you wanna catch an ape fight? You know, together?

Leela:
Well, I guess you deserve one more flip.

Fry:
So, heads or tails?

Leela:
Y'know, let's just say it's heads.

Farnsworth:
Ready?

Farnsworth:
and One, two, three, pull!

Hermes:
Sweet honey bee of infinity!

[Leela, Amy and Fry hit on the wall]

[Hermes and Dr. Zoidberg hit on the wall as well]

[Bender hits on the railing]

Leela:
Bender! Quit destroying the universe!

Farnsworth:
Yes, all that is and ever shall be is in that box. And the box itself is probably worth something too. We must cherish it, as we cherish every moment of our lives.

Ranger Park:
Hey, I'm Ranger Park, the park ranger.

Fry:
[cheerfully] I get it!

Ranger Park:
Now since this area's a national Bigfoot preserve, we'll start with a short film about Bigfoot while I make a few phone calls.

Lrrr:
So let me get this straight... if I buy eight Caramello bars, you all get to go to some camp.

Bender:
Yep. That's exactly the lie we used to get past your guards.

Fry:
[steps forward] Oh great space king, I humbly beg you to return my human horn.

Lrrr:
Uh, human horn? How ridiculous! Why would a virile male like Lrrr need human horn? I don't even know what it's for. What is it, something you put in salad dressing?

Ndnd:
Like you've ever seen a salad.

Lrrr:
My weight is APPROPRIATE and ATTRACTIVE!

[Ranger Park aims his gun at Bigfoot]

Lrrr:
You're going to kill this innocent giganto?!

Ranger Park:
Of course not! I'm just gonna tranquilize him so I can chop off his feet as proof he exists, then dump him back in the wild. He'll do fine!

Lrrr:
If I poach this beast's lower horn, am I any better than that ranger with his demented foot lust? Yes. But not by enough.

Leela:
Oh, Fry. All this time you've had this incredible gift and I never knew. I've been a fool. A fully-justified, prudent fool. [holds his new hands, then quickly draws them back] They're so cold...

Robot Devil:
[shouting from street below them] And yet hell is so hot! [laughs briefly] Can I have my hands back now?

Fry:
No!

Robot Devil:
[sulkily] You're not nice!

Robot Devil:
Ah, how delightfully ironic.

Bender:
It's not ironic, it's just mean! Take this! [Honks his air horn, only for it to become depleted]

Robot Devil:
Ooh! Out of aerosol. Also ironic.

Bender:
Oh, yeah?! Well, bite my shiny metal-- [remembers that he gave up his crotch plate] OH, NOOOOOOOOO!

Fry:
My hands! My horrible human hands! And what did you do to my nails?!

Robot Devil:
I cleaned them. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's my poker night and I feel lucky! [giggles] So it's back to hell for me. Come on, Nixon! [grabs Nixon's jar]

Nixon:
Huh?!

[They vanish in a puff of smoke, and the Robot Devil runs out behind the confused audience]

Tinny Tim:
[selling newspapers] Extra! Extra! "Greatest Opera of All Time Sucks!"

Zoidberg:
I'll take eight!