Gavin & Stacey, Series 2

Nessa:
I used to drive the sets for The Who on their world tours. Great days. Till I found out some things about Pete Townshend that I didn't like. And all I'll say is - and I said it to his face - where is the book?

Smithy (about Nessa's pregnancy):
How long have you known about this?

Gavin:
I just found out tonight.

Smithy (stands up):
Bullshit!

Gavin:
I did.

Mick:
He did, we all found out tonight.

Smithy:
Oh, right. So, everyone found out before me?

Bryn:
No, I found out at the exact same time as you, Smithy.

Smithy (pointing at Stacey):
I bet she knew.

Stacey:
I only found out at the wedding!

Smithy:
That was over three weeks ago!

Gavin:
Oh, come on mate!

Smithy:
Don't 'come on' me, mate! This is all your fault!

Pam & Gavin:
How?!

Smithy:
You and her, ringing each other and texting, arranging to meet up in Leicester Square! (Kicks table and moves to Gavin) I didn't even wanna go that day! If you hadn't dragged me there, none of this would have happened!

Nessa:
It didn't happen that day.

Smithy:
What?

Nessa:
It happened at Pam and Mick's.

Gwen:
When you went off, in the garden.

Smithy:
That?! That doesn't count, that was rubbish!

Nessa:
I know.

Bryn:
I stand corrected. I'm putting my window up. Ignore me. I'm mister blabbermouth.

Smithy:
I don't wanna marry that!

Nessa:
I don't wanna marry you, I'd have said "no".

Smithy:
Yeah, right you would.

Nessa:
Oh! Don't diss me infront of people, I'd have said "no"!

Smithy:
Why? I'm a catch!

Bryn (whispering):
He is.

Smithy:
Have you looked in the mirror recently? You look like you should be in Amsterdam doing tricks for Mars bars!

Nessa:
Oh thanks Stace! Thanks a lot! That was over ten years ago!

Bryn (whilst hugging Gavin):
I'm gonna miss this.

Gavin:
What?

Bryn:
Nothing.

Pam:
Have you had your breakfast then?

Stacey:
Well, sort of. I had a brunch I did. Oh I got up so late cos i set the alarm for ten but I didn't get up till gone eleven and I thought well I'm too early for lunch and I'm too late for breakfast, so I just had a banana. But if anything that made me more hungry. So I ended up having a sandwich, some cereal and a yogurt, which is brunch innit? So I rang my mum and I said I've just had my first ever brunch.

Pam:
I'm not being funny Stacey, but you wanna get a life. What you said just now was really boring.

Nessa (seeing boys playing on slot machines):
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! What does that sign say? (points to Welsh-only sign) Peidiwch â chyffwrdd a'r peiriannau (Do not touch the machines); now sling your hooks or I'll break your face.

Smithy:
I've been thinking about ending it all to be honest, suicide...bigtime. How many Nurofen would I need to finish me off?

Gavin:
You? You'd need hundreds.

Smithy:
Can't afford that can I? Not if I'm gonna have an holiday this year.

Doris (to Gavin):
Hey stop it you, you're a married man now! Although (quieter and deadly serious), if you are interested in that sort of thing, you know, I'm very open minded and discreet, OK?

Pete:
Can I ask you a personal question?

Mick:
Sure.

Pete:
Where did you get them oven gloves?

Smithy (to Gavin):
Gavinda Jaya Jaya!

Pam:
What's going on?

Nessa:
I don't know, Pam. All I know is if I don't eat this now I'm gonna faint.

Smithy:
Me too. I can barely breathe.

Smithy (about Nessa):
She just sucks me in, she's like a Dyson!

Smithy:
There's some graffiti on a toilet brush in the men's cubicle at the Rose and Crown which I reckon is aimed at me.

Gavin:
What does it say?

Smithy:
Smithy was 'ere.

Bryn (about Smithy):
He's a lovely looking boy. Not in the conventional sense, like Gavin or Enrique Iglesias, but he's got a lovely spirit. A confidence, if you will, that you rarely find in a fat man.

Stacey:
Gav, I need to talk to you.

Gavin:
Yeah?

Stacey:
On our own?

Gavin:
Yeah.

Smithy:
So, I have to go, do I? Hideous.

Gavin:
There's nothing really to say. She's down there, I'm up here. It's not over it's just...

Smithy:
Not a marriage anymore.

Gavin:
She's still my wife!

Smithy:
On paper.

Gavin:
Thanks Smithy, this is really cheering me up!

Pete:
You're an embarrasment!

Dawn:
Oh, Im an embarrasment! I'm an embarrasment? Take a look in the mirror, you pre op!

[After Gavin tells Smithy that Stacey broke up with him]

Smithy:
Look, if she's serious, if she means it, which I don't think she does, then she's a fool. Cause theres no one else I'd rather wake up next to than you. No one I'd rather wanna look after me, hold me, cook for me, keep me warm at night.

[Nessa in labour at the hospital]

Nessa:
Hia, Stace, Pam, Mick. I'm on the gas, I am. It's messing with my head, I'm not gonna lie to you.

Nessa:
Dave, I need you, I need you now.

Pam:
Oh my Christ!

Bryn:
That's the gas talking, Dave.

Nessa:
No, it's not. Come on. Climb on.

Dave:
Now's not the time, Ness.

Nessa:
How'd it go with Gav, alright?

Stacey:
I think it's over, Ness.

Nessa:
You'd be a fool to let that one go. He's cracking. Even if he is a bit short.

Nurse:
Right then, Nessa. We're going to need you down on all fours.

Nessa:
No worries. That's a home from home for me that, love.

Nurse:
And me.

Stacey:
Me as well.

Pam:
I always thought you was called Colin.

Smithy:
Colin?

Pam:
Yeah, Colin.

Smithy:
Why?

Pam:
Well, it's been so long, darling. I can't remember.

Bryn:
You think they've thought of it all, you think "Where can they go with this next?" and then they hit you with it. I mean mint Baileys! Whatever will they think of next!

Dawn:
Pete, this has nothing to do with you!

(About Nessa) Go on Pam, hit her in the face.

Nessa:
Wha' you saying Dawn?

Dawn:
I'm telling her to punch you in the face, you truck-driving dyke!