Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, Season 1 (1995)

Iolaus:
Oh, there's nothing like a bit of exercise to get the old blood flowing.

Hercules:
Speak for yourself.

Iolaus:
Oh, come on, don't tell me you didn't enjoy it, Hercules. I saw that look on your face!

Hercules:
Well, then you better remember it, because I'm not gonna wear it again.

Hercules:
Damn you, Hera! You'll pay for this till the day I die!

Alcmene:
Where are you going?

Hercules:
To pay Hera back the best way I can -- by destroying her seven temples.

Alcmene:
That won't bring your family back. You'll only put yourself in danger.

Hercules:
Nothing will happen to me, Mother. I'm the son of a God, remember?

Iolaus:
Don't doubt me, Lykus. I've fried bigger fish than your She-demon. You know? When Hercules and I were-- battling the Titans-- we were up against bearded behemoths-- eight feet tall-- no ten-- even twelve. We still managed to beat back two waves of those ugly brutes. (chuckles) I tell ya-- my head was echoing with the clang of swords for weeks after that-- oh, yeah.

Lycus:
How can you call this Hercules a hero? He's too busy ravaging his own home to help anybody. He must be crazy. You people think it doesn't matter 'cause the blood of Zeus runs in his veins.

Iolaus:
[Iolaus overhears this and slams his drink down] Hey! Why don't you pipe down till you know what you're talking about?

Lycus:
I know what I saw with my own eyes, that's all I'm saying.

Iolaus:
You didn't look into his heart, if ya did you've would've seen it was broken.

Lycus:
You don't make anymore sense then Hercules did.

Iolaus:
[Iolaus grabs him] He lost his family. You understand that? They were swept away in a fireball sent down by his stepmother.

Lycus:
The goddess, Hera?

Iolaus:
She's a murdering bitch. And his father's no better. Zeus turned his back on his own blood.

Lycus:
Where's your respect for the gods?

Iolaus:
In a pig trough, where it belongs. Hercules deserves our respect now-- and our sympathy.

Hercules:
[Right after Salmoneus fell from the tree] How'd you get up there, anyway?

Salmoneus:
Some lunatic Cyclops kicked me in the rear and sent me flying.

The Cyclops:
If you let me live in peace I promise-- I'll help you do the same-- as long as you treat me-- with respect.

Castor:
Heard you worked up a bit of an appetite, today.

The Cyclops:
Only fools challenge me.

Castor:
That's right. That's why I have you on my side. I'm too smart to go up against you.

The Cyclops:
Yeah-- to my face you are.

Castor:
Hey, I'm not like those jackasses in Trachas!

The Cyclops:
You better not be.

Castor:
Would you doubt me-- huh? How could you do that? I pay you-- to vent your anger on people who have-- belittled you all your life! No one-- has ever been as good to you as I have.

Salmoneus:
OK, now here's what I could do. I could call one of my togas, the 'Hercules Deluxe-ees'-- huh? Just tell me which ones you wanna buy.

Hercules:
I don't wanna buy any of them.

Salmoneus:
Oh, you want something for nothing, huh?

Hercules:
That's not what I mean.

Salmoneus:
No, what you mean is, you don't care about your image. But you better start, my friend, 'cause the public is fickle. All right-- tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give you your own line of togas-- cut you in for a piceof the action--huh, huh? And here's the advertising slogan. 'Hercules, the giant killer-- takes a giant step forward in fashion!' Pretty snappy, huh?

Hercules:
I gave your people that food to eat, not waste.

Broteas:
An offering to Hera will bring us much more good fate than will full stomachs.

Hercules:
Hera doesn't care about anybody, except herself.

Broteas:
You're a fool if you believe that. Now, let me carry out their wishes!

Hercules:
Is this what you want? To see good food burned while you starve? That's what I thought. Now, go ahead and eat it this time! Feed your stomach-- not Hera's fire.

Broteas:
Look around. We're on our last legs. Where d'ya expect us to go?

Hercules:
Calydon.

Hercules:
You should have given Calydon a chance.

Old Blind Seer:
Oh-- more fun with you-- more danger! (he laughs)

Hercules:
Thanks for the compliment, I think.

Old Blind Seer:
You're welcome. Wait. I sense something. Something hairy-- with a tail! A-and-and breath so bad-- it can wilt flowers!

Hercules:
Not another monster. Oh, no.

Old Blind Seer:
What is it? Not another one of those fire-breathing things-- ten times worse than the swamp bird!

Hercules:
You better have another vision. It's the dog from Parthus.

Old Blind Seer:
(laughs) Not the one who was a woman? (laughs again)

Old Blind Seer:
Here, girl! Here! Here! Here! Here! Come! Come! Come! Come! Come! Ha-ha. You're off the hook, Hercules.

Hercules:
I know. You just got a new traveling companion.

Old Blind Seer:
How'd you figure that out?

Hercules:
Easy. She's cursed -- and I'm not.

Old Blind Seer:
Nobody's perfect. (laughs)

Hercules:
(to the teen cult tribe) Is that the God you worship? That- take those masks off. Go home. Go back to the villages and farms that you came from. If you have to fight, fight for peace; not for war.

Ares:
Time to die, little brother.

Hercules:
I hate my family.

Iolaus:
(thinking up a plan, whispers) Take your dress off!

Lydia:
(incredulously) Couldn't that wait until after you rescue us?

Iolaus:
Take it off!

(Lydia slaps him)

Lydia:
What are you doing?

Iolaus:
I'm lighting a fire!

Xena:
If he was really your friend, he wouldn't have come here and tried to interfere.

Iolaus:
Well I guess you're right, Xena. It's just -- I've never been on a different side to Hercules before.

Xena:
You didn't let that stop you from standing up to him. You were a true warrior.

Iolaus:
If I was anything less, you wouldn't want me here.

Xena:
You've turned out to be everything I thought Hercules would be. But Hercules -- I can be fierce and violent, Iolaus, you've seen that for yourself. But to hear Hercules say what he said -- it was like having a dagger plunged through my heart.

Iolaus:
I've ended my friendship with him.

Xena:
Then you must be in pain, too.

Iolaus:
Not as long as I'm with you.

Xena:
Come to bed when you're finished with your sword. I'll be waiting.

Iolaus:
Come on! (Hercules and Iolaus fight) Fight, damn it! Quit acting like you're too good for me!

Hercules:
I have never been too good for you! I'm just trying to stay alive long enough for you to come to your senses!

Iolaus:
It's not every day I meet a beautiful woman that wants to wash my back.

Xena:
Oh, I will do more for you than that, Iolaus...much more.

Iolaus:
You do this for all your warriors?

Xena:
Only special ones.

Iolaus:
Oh, I hope there aren't too many of those.

Xena:
Right now, there's just you.

Villager:
(about Xena) She just wants to write her name across history in big bloody letters.

Iolaus:
I can't believe you'd show your face here.

Hercules:
Stay out of this, Iolaus. My fight's with Xena, not you.

Iolaus:
Don't push me aside! You're the one that attacked Xena and killed the warrior with her.

Soldiers:
Xena! Let's go. Quickly!

Xena:
Is that the best you've got? Ha! Bring it on!

Iolaus:
Boy, you know how to show a guy a good time.

Xena:
Don't talk, fight!

Highwayman:
Maybe you don't count so well. There's six of us and there's two of you.

Hercules:
Good point. Iolaus, what do you think? Six to two?

Iolaus:
Well, it's not really fair. Maybe we should let them go.

Hercules:
You can go!

(fight starts)

Xena:
Let me go. There's so much of my life I have to make amends for. I've got to get started.

Hercules:
I wish you'd let me help.

Xena:
You already have. You unchained my heart. Goodbye, Hercules.

Xena:
Are you a biographer, or a bad comedian, or have you dreamed up some other get rich scheme?

Salmoneus:
How about love slave? I'm versatile.

Xena:
You're deluded.