Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, Season 4 (1997–1998)

Iolaus:
What in Tartarus is that?

Hercules:
It's some sort of cocoon.

Iolaus:
What for? A giant butterfly?

Hercules:
Somehow I don't think it's going to turn out to be that friendly.

[scream is heard offstage]

Iolaus:
How come you're always right?

Hercules:
It's a half-god thing.

Hercules:
Who are you?

Nebula:
Who are you?! No, let me guess — sloping forehead, dragging knuckles... I'm thinking orangutan, or maybe gorilla. Ah! [Looks at Iolaus] That must be your little chimp.

Hercules:
I can't say I'm pleased to meet you.

Arachne:
Oh, but I am pleased to meet you, Hercules, Son of Zeus, who cursed me with this form. You'll pay for your father's crime.

Hercules:
What else is new?

The Widow Twanky:
Come on, girls! Hurry along! Too many bubbles can make you go blind!

(sees Cupcake and Autolycus)

The Widow Twanky:
Cupcake? Is this-- gentleman bothering you?

Cupcake:
Oh, no. I was just stroking his poodle.

The Widow Twanky:
(to Cupcake) You hardly know him. Now, run along. You're dripping all over the floor.

Autolycus:
Gimme some sugar, baby. [N]

Cupcake:
(to Autolycus) I never thought a sm-- small-town girl like me would be lucky enough to find a swell guy like you. Most men lie-- and steal-- and lead double lives. But it's different with you.

Cupcake:
I'm so sorry.

Autolycus:
Think nothing of it, my dear. Why, the world is just a chaotic stage, just teaming with activity. A little bump-and-grind here and there is to be expected.

Cupcake:
Well, gee-- I never thought of it that way, Mister. I guess you're right.

Autolycus:
Why, where are my manners? Huh! I forgot to introduce myself. Pharsiferus Von Baklava, Esquire, at your service.

Cupcake:
Ahh! Golly! I have never had an esquire at my service before. I'm Cupcake. Oh-- is that your dog?

Autolycus:
Why, yes it is. Cupcake, meet Creampuff. I named her after my greatest culinary creation.

Cupcake:
You-- invented the Creampuff?

Autolycus:
I certainly did. I own a string of bakeries all across Greece. Oh, gods forgive me, but I am a slave to my sweet-tooth.

Cupcake:
Ahh-- you don't say.

Autolycus:
Oh, I do-be-do-- but the money, the castles-- that can't mean a thing to me until I know all the animals of the world are safe and happy. I guess that's why I turned my gardens into a-- sanctuary for abused wildlife.

Cupcake:
You mean-- you care about animals that much?

Autolycus:
How could I not? Just look at that face.

Cupcake:
Oooh.

Autolycus:
There, there-- I rescued Creampuff, here, from a band of murderous pirates.

Cupcake:
Oh, my. That sounds so dangerous.

Autolycus:
It was, Cupcake-- very-- very dangerous.

Cupcake:
Oh-- wow. It's not every day that I meet an-- animal-loving, dare-devil, pastry mogul with a sweet-tooth like mine.

Autolycus:
Hercules! Ah, whatever your name is. What a pleasant surprise!

Hercules:
I wish I could say the same, Autolycus. Isn't stealing the king's gold a little beneath you?

Autolycus:
How good of you to notice. You see, I figure, every so often, a fella just has to go back to basics. Besides, the king, ahh, he's plenty rich. What about the needs of the people?

Iolaus:
Oh, come on! You don't care about the people.

Autolycus:
Of course, I do. I happen to be one of them. Well, as much as I've enjoyed this little reunion, I haven't enjoyed it that much. Good day.

Hercules:
Where's Artemis' bow?

Autolycus:
Ah, my fame spreads like wildfire.

Iolaus:
Nope, like a bad rash.

Autolycus:
Listen, you and I both know if the big guy could talk, he would tell us not to stick our necks out for him. Besides, he loves being a pig. Just look at the little guy. (Iolaus pushes him up against a tree)

Iolaus:
This is all just a joke to you, isn't it?

Autolycus:
You little— (Iolaus pushes him up against the tree again)

Iolaus:
Well, let me tell you something, buddy. Hercules is the best friend I ever had. And yeah, you're right, he wouldn't want us to risk our necks to save him, which is exactly why we're going to. Now, he'd do the same for me – even for you.

Autolycus:
Well, much as I hate to admit it, you've got a point.

Iolaus:
Right. Now, come on.

Autolycus:
Just one more thing, buddy-boy. You touch me again and I'll—

Iolaus:
What?

Autolycus:
I'll… be just as upset then as I am now?

Iolaus:
Yeah, you'd sell your own mother if the price was right.

Autolycus You better stop looking down your nose at me, Blondie. I've had it up to my mustache with your insults.

Iolaus:
The truth hurts, doesn't it?

Autolycus:
Yeah, so does my fist.

Autolycus:
You know, for your information, if you had trusted me back there, Hercules would be safe and sound right about now.

Iolaus:
Yeah, or maybe you'da sold him off to the highest bidder.

Autolycus:
Ha-ha-ha. You've got me all wrong, Curly. You know, I may be a thief, but there are some things that even I won't do.

Iolaus:
Like what?!

Autolycus:
Like… I won't drink red wine with fish.

Iolaus:
Ah!

Autolycus:
I won't eat the horse I rode in on. And I would never, never sell out a friend, which, of course, does not apply to you.

Jason:
Why is that pig dressed like Hercules?

Iolaus:
Well—

Autolycus:
Allow me to explain. You see, who's to say one lifestyle is better than another? Why, just the other day, I ran into a gnome – a little fella—

Iolaus:
Will you shut up?!

Autolycus:
What's the matter, Discord? Chicken?

Iolaus:
Unless you wanna be the god of gophers, you better make like a tornado and blow.

Ares:
I won't forget this. You are on my list.

Iolaus:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.