Hey Arnold!, Season 5

Grandpa Phil:
[trying to cheer Arnold up] We'll grow old together... Oh, wait a minute, I'm already old! Well, okay, so you'll grow old alone with no one to talk to and nothing to come to, except your fun memories and... [Arnold gets sad] ...me and... I'm not helping, am I?

Simmons:
PS 118 needs you back!

Wartz :
Excuse me a moment. closes door, starts singing and dancing with a doll They want me back! They want me back! They want me back! Who-ho! opens the door, gets serious face Please come in.

Harold:
[when he saw a D+ on his paper] Oh, I hate school. I wish I never have to go to school again.

Arnold:
Come on, Harold, it's not that bad.

Harold:
Yes, it is! We're trapped in here day after day, doing boring stuff, and standing in line for cold crappy food that they don't even give me time to eat! Oh, I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I just wish there was some way to get out of school and get to stay home and be free!

Principal Wartz:
What the devil's going on?!

Wolfgang:
Woohoo! I'm a fireman! Oops!

Principal Wartz:
Wolfgang, that is a flagrant violation of school safety rules not to mention federal law, you're suspended!

Wolfgang:
What?!

Principal Wartz:
You heard me. You are hereby order to stay out of the school for one entire week!

Principal Wartz:
Yes? Oh! Thank you, Harold. You’re right, I should have this fire extinguisher refilled immediately. It’s not safe, otherwise. Thank you though. Now run along to your class.

Harold:
Hey! That stupid dork was supposed to suspend me!

Principal Wartz:
[he heard Harold; walks out of his office; offended] Harold, did you just call me a stupid dork?

Harold:
No, no, no, no! [realizes he could be suspended for doing that] I mean yes. Yes, I did call you a stupid dork!

Principal Wartz:
That’s a violation against the school constitution Article 34, Section C, Paragraph 2. You’re suspended.

Harold:
YES! I mean- awww, gee...

Principal Wartz:
Harold, you're not supposed to be within a hundred yards of school property.

Harold:
But Principal Wartz...

Principal Wartz:
I'm sorry, Harold. But the school constitution demands that I give you another week of suspension.

Harold:
Another week? No, please!

Principal Wartz:
Rules are rules. Now, promise me, Harold, that you won't let me catch you on the premises again.

Harold:
I promise, Principal Wartz. I won't go on the premises again.

Principal Wartz:
Yes, can I help you?

Harold:
Someone ordered a pizza for the teacher's lounge?

Principal Wartz:
What are you doing, Harold?

Harold:
[in a fake Italian accent] I don't know what you're talking about, I'm not Harold. I'm a little old Italian man delivering a pizza. See? I-I even have a mustache. [Wartz takes the mustache off of Harold] OW!

Principal Wartz:
That's another week's suspension for you, young man.

Harold:
Awwwww...

Principal Wartz:
Repeat slowly after me.

Harold:
Slowly after me.

Principal Wartz:
No! Not yet. Alright, now! I will not enter the school grounds for the next three weeks.

Harold:
I will not enter the school grounds for the next three weeks.

Principal Wartz:
Good, I'll see you in three weeks.

Harold:
Good, I'll see you in three weeks.

Principal Wartz:
Harold.

Harold:
Harold.

Principal Wartz:
D'oh!

Harold:
I’ll be on school grounds in no time. What a great plan!

Principal Wartz:
Hello, son. You're digging quite a hole there, aren't you?

Harold:
Yeah. See, I got suspended because I called the principal a stupid dork. [grunts as he shovels some dirt] And now he won't let me into the school, [grunts as he shovels more dirt] so I'm gonna tunnel in.

Principal Wartz:
Is that so? That's another week's suspension for you, Mr. Berman.

Harold:
Awwwww... [the shovel drops on his foot] OW!

Principal Wartz:
And fill up that hole.

[Arnold and Harold approach]

Principal Wartz:
What the devil's wrong with you two? You're not supposed to be within a hundred yards of this school!

Arnold:
With all due respect, sir, according to the school constitution, article 14, section 2, paragraph 5, we are fully within our rights.

Harold:
And it says here in, uh, a-article 39, section 4, w-when a student gets suspended, he can repeal it if there are... outside circumcisions!

Arnold:
[Correcting Harold] ...stances.

Harold:
...stances! Outside circumstances!

Arnold:
And we have here 40 pages of the material explaining why we have the rights to be back into school. Under article 39, we would like a review of our case by an outside agency.

Principal Wartz:
You boys make a very impressive case. The only problem is that you're talking about an outdated school constitution from 1956. This is the current constitution, and there is nothing in here about any appeals, that's for sure.

[After Principal Wartz lifts Harold's suspension]

Arnold:
Thanks, Principal Wartz. [Starts to follow Harold into the school]

Principal Wartz:
Wait a minute, where are you going? [Arnold stops]

Arnold:
Huh?

Principal Wartz:
I didn't say anything about lifting your suspension.

Arnold:
But Principal Wartz, I-

Principal Wartz:
Just kidding! Now run along! Ah Wartzy, you've done it again. The true prince must temper justice with mercy. It's no wonder the children love and respect me.

Wolfgang:
Hey Wartz, you wide load! Ha ha!

Principal Wartz:
That's it, young man! You're suspended!

Wolfgang:
You can't suspend me! I'm already suspended!

Principal Wartz:
Well, in that case, you're unsuspended! Get back to class!

Wolfgang:
Gotta catch me first, old ugly guy! Ha ha! Ha ha!

Principal Wartz:
Come back here, pal! [Principal Wartz furiously chases Wolfgang as he falls in the hole] Whoa! HAROLD!

Grandpa Phil:
Uh-oh. I sense another one of your oh-so-painfully illuminating boyhood problems. Fess up, Arnold.

Arnold:
It's just that Parents' Tournament Weekend is for kids and their parents, and you and Grandma are great and everything, but you're not actually my parents. I-I don't know if we belong there.

Gertie:
[sympathetically] Oh, Arnold.

Arnold:
Anyway, I think I'm too full for dessert. [leaves] Good night.

Arnold:
Eh, I was thinking maybe we can go back to the Parents' Tournament.

Grandpa Phil:
Really? But I thought you said it was just for kids with actual parents.

Arnold:
Yeah. But for me, that means you and Grandma.

[They smile]

Helga:
[Thinking after Arnold picks a daisy for her] Arnold just gave me a flower! I think I'm gonna die!

Helga:
What is this clear wall blocking us from outside?

Arnold:
It's a door. I'll get it for you.

Helga :
Whatever is this contraption, Andrew?

Arnold:
It's a water fountain. You drink from it. [Helga pushes the button and water comes out]

Helga:
I like to drink.

Rhonda:
It means weird, and that's a major understatement. I mean, the boy's wearing pajamas for heaven's sake.

Harold:
And look, there have little bears on them!

Sid:
Boy howdy, talk about embarrassing!

[Arnold blushes]

Arnie:
Lets go on a hayride. [Snorts]

[After falling in the swimming hole]

Arnold:
Lulu, are you okay?

Lulu:
I'm oh-so-certain that I'm just fine. [sultrily] But I'd be a lot better if you'd agree to meet me later, for an ever-so-private swim...

Arnold:
Excuse me?

Lulu:
Perhaps around 8:30, when Arnie's asleep?

Lulu:
[innocently] I can't help it, Arnold. I like you-like you.

[Lulu tries to kiss Arnold]

Arnold:
Lulu, what are you doing?!

Lulu:
I'm certain that I'm trying to kiss you.

Arnold:
Kiss me?! But you're Arnie's girlfriend! And we're nine!

Hilda:
Oh most luminous orb in indigo sky, looketh you upon my ideal guy. Oh all-knowing lunar sphere taunting from above, whilst thou never guide me to my one true love- [is cut off by Arnold tripping over her]

Arnold:
[smiles instantly] Hi.

Hilda:
Hello.

Arnold:
Do I know you?

Hilda:
I don't think so.

Arnold:
I've never met anyone like you, Hilda, and I really like you a lot.

Chocolate Boy:
I need chocolate, where's the chocolate, I gotta have chocolate...

Edmund:
Whoa! Chocolate Boy doesn't want chocolate? Pinch me, I'm dreaming. [Wolfgang pushes Edmund to the ground]

[Chocolate Boy knocks on Arnold's front door, and Arnold opens it]

Chocolate Boy:
Arnold, I need your help. I need to get enough chocolate, no more chocolate.

Arnold:
You realize, Chocolate Boy. And we had this conversation once before.

Chocolate Boy:
I know, but I'm serious this time. I need to get enough chocolate. I mean, dancing for malted milk balls and digging in dumpsters. I'm like a clown, a chocolate clown. Will you help me, please?

Arnold:
Well... You didn't bet Wolfgang, did you?

Arnold:
So, it sounds like the reason you eat chocolate is because you miss your nanny.

Chocolate Boy:
Yes! Yes! I miss my nanny. I miss my nanny.

Arnold:
It's okay that you miss your nanny. But eating chocolate is not going to bring her back.

Chocolate Boy:
I know. I know.

Arnold:
She told you to be good and to be happy. What would your nanny think if she saw you now, eating chocolate out of dumpsters? And dancing for malted milk balls?

Chocolate Boy:
She wouldn't like it, 'cause I'm not being good and I'm not happy.

Stinky:
I done went and sat on my hot sauce and now I gots hot pants!

Harold:
[Pretending to be a hobo, he gets asked if he's seen Harold, Stinky, and Sid] No sir, and we don't know nothing about some police station!

Harold:
We can't go to the authorities, we blew up the authorities!

Mr. Hyunh:
I like to work in the restaurant.

Ernie Potts:
I'm telling you, we could pull this off.

Suzie Kokoshka:
I suppose I could be Mrs. Hyunh for just one night.

Ernie Potts:
And I'll be his brother, Edwin. Arnold will be his son, Grandpa will be his father.

Grandma:
[coming in from the kitchen] And I'll be Mary, Queen of Scots!

Grandpa:
Pookie, you just stay out of the way.

Man:
Who are you?

Grandma:
Why, I'm Mr. Hyunh's sister. And I'm also Mary, Queen of Scots. cackles

Helga:
Thanks, Arnold. I really appreciate all that you've done for me. You know, except the part where you made me go blind.

[Arnold is carrying "blind" Helga across the street and a taxi cab is speeding towards them]

Helga:
Arnold, look out for that cab!

[Arnold jumps and they land on the sidewalk]

Helga:
Arnold, are we alive?

Arnold:
We're fine.

Helga:
Whew. Good thing I saw — uh, I mean — smelled that cab coming.

Arnold:
You smelled the cab?

Helga:
Yeah, you know how it is when you lose one of your senses. The others just kind of kick into overdrive. [sniffs Arnold] Speaking of which, you might want to try a stronger deodorant, football-head.

Grandma:
Oh, Happy Groundhog's Day, everybody. Yippee! I saw my shadow — and you know what that means!

Grandpa:
We know, Pookie... [With Arnold] Twelve more days of Christmas...

Stinky:
Um, fellas. Is it just me, or is the floor moving?

Helga:
[thinks when she dances with Arnold] I'm actually dancing cheek-to-cheek with Arnold! He's holding me tight, his hair smells yummy... Oh, who am I kid din'?! I love this guy! Maybe I should stop torturing him? Nah, this is way too much fun!

Arnold:
[thinking when he dances with Helga] Oh, man, I really hate this!

Helga:
[thinking] Oh, man, do I love this or what!

Arnold:
Gerald, I think, you're thinking what I'm thinking.

[Gerald whispers something in Arnold's ear]

Arnold:
That's even better than what I was thinking!

Eugene:
[Sounding happy] Hey, look, it's a cute little bear! And he's got my sleeping bag!

Grandpa Phil:
[Spotted a dead owl] Aw, look, a dead owl. Breakfast!

Eugene:
I just know we'll wake up tomorrow to a better day!

[Harold farts]

Gerald:
If we make it till tomorrow.

Mr. Berman:
My knees are weak.

Grandpa Phil:
My knees are fake.

Grandpa Phil:
Oh! Let's just fish for the Halibut!

Ernie:
[worried about the bet] Yeah out, as in two hundred clams right down the crapper!

Curly:
Oh, you pretty princess. Your mink is so soft, so inviting...

Rhonda:
Ugh, get away from me, you creep!

Curly:
Tonight's our night, Rhonda. I can feel it in the air!

Rhonda:
Listen, you slimy piece of ick. I don't like you! So stop touching my coat with your grimy hands!

Curly:
I just want to be closer to you, Rhonda. I want to be your boyfriend.

Rhonda:
Boyfriend? I will never, ever have anything to do with you, Curly, ever!

[Rhonda has stained her mother's birthday mink coat, and Curly offers to help for a price.]

Curly:
Here's the deal: Curly cleans the fur, and you, Rhonda, all you have to do is pretend to be Curly's girlfriend for a week.

Rhonda:
Gross! No way, absolutely not!

Curly:
You want a clean fur, don't you? It's either Curly, or facing your parents with a red-stained coat.

Rhonda:
What do I have to do?

Curly:
After you get the clean mink to your parents, you put on a good show at school that you're my girl, til' 3:00. on Friday.

Rhonda:
9:00.

Curly:
2:00.

Rhonda:
10:00.

Curly:
12 noon.

Rhonda:
Deal. [They shake hands] 12 noon, I get to dump you?

Curly:
Sure, Friday at noon. That is, if you haven't fallen completely in love with me by then.

Rhonda:
As if.

Curly:
So let's review. When I say "Rhonda, my love", you say "Yes, cutie pie". And when I do this...[rubs his hair]

Rhonda:
I know. I say "You and me, baby, you and me forever."

Curly:
Good, good. And throw in a lot of "you sweet thing" and "how can I deny our love" and "Curly, I'm so lucky to be your girl".

Rhonda:
[Groans] My life is over.

Curly:
Come on, sweetie. You'll see by the end of the week that I'll grow on you, and you'll want to be my girlfriend.

Curly:
I have a special present for you that I want you to wear.

Rhonda:
There is no way I'm wearing that shirt. [Next frame, Rhonda is wearing a shirt which has "Curly's Girl" written on it] I can't believe I'm wearing this shirt.

Rhonda:
Oh, please. Now we're supposed to feel sorry for Curly?

Helga:
Criminy, what a pathetic display.

Phoebe:
I'm afraid I have to agree, Helga.

Helga:
Guess Miss Rich and Fancy over there really did a number on him.

Rhonda:
May I borrow the black paint, Helga?

Helga:
Perfect. It'll match the color of your heart.[Holds up a paper plate with a black heart painted on it]

Rhonda:
Excuse me?

Helga:
You heard me, Cruella.

Rhonda:
Unbelievable!

Curly:
So how about giving me a lock of your hair to keep under my pillow?

Rhonda:
Ugh, that is unbelievably GROSS!

Curly:
Is it? Or does it thrill you?

Rhonda:
Stop! You're crazy! Get away from me!

Grandpa:
[Grandpa is reading out of Arnold's father's journal, an entry describing a volcanic eruption] "It was terrifying and beautiful all at the same time." to Grandma Kind of like you, Pookie.

Phil:
[reading journal] It was the hottest night the jungle could get when we... whoops, time for bed Shortman!

Arnold:
But Grandpa, it's only six o'clock.

Phil:
Well, go order us some dinner then. [Arnold leaves, and Phil tears the page he was reading out and puts it in his pocket] Whoo, that was close.

Phil:
[to Arnold] They should have named you Phil.

[after reading about Arnold's birth]

Arnold:
So, did my parents go back to their village after that?

Grandpa:
[sarcastically] No, you all lived in a temple surrounded by hot, boiling lava. But where did they go to the bathroom? Yet another mystery.

Grandpa:
Never get old, Arnold, never get old!

Priest Translator:
[to Stella and Miles] I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. — [Pookie interrupts the story with a belch]

Grandpa:
Pookey, I got a roll of tape, and I'm not afraid to use it!

[Arnold is sitting outside overlooking the journal when he sees what appears to be two pages folded together. When he unfolds them, it turns out to be a map.]

Arnold:
[gasps] A map!? It must be the same route my parents took on their last trip to the jungle! [excitedly runs back inside] Grandma! Grandpa! You have to see this! I found a map!

Gerald:
Arnold, are you thinking what I think you're thinking?

Arnold:
I don't know. What do you think I'm thinking?

Timberly:
[to Arnold] You're the nicest boy ever!

Gerald:
[imitating] Arnold, you're the nicest boy ever! See you tomorrow, Romeo!

Timberly:
Where are you going?

Gerald:
Nowhere.

Timberly:
What are you doing there?

Gerald:
Nothing.

Timberly:
Can I come?

Gerald:
No!

Gerald:
We're going somewhere to do something.

Timberly:
But you just said you're going nowhere to do nothing!

Timberly:
Hey, you guys, where're you going?

Gerald:
Nowhere.

Timberly:
Can I come?

Gerald:
No.

Timberly:
But you always say that! You never let me come along!

Sid:
Gerald, why don't we let her come along?

Timberly:
I like you, Sid. You're the nicest boy ever.

Stinky:
What the heck is "Eugene Eugene," Eugene?

Mr. Leichliter:
The role of Betty will be done by Lila Sawyer, and the part of Lawrence goes to Arnold... hmmm, I can't even read my own handwriting.

Stinky:
[passing the graveyard] Look, fellers. We're passing the bone-yard.

Harold:
Hurry up, you guys! This place is gives me the creeps! It's full of dead people!

Stinky:
Well, you might as well get used to it, on the count of we'll probably all be buried here someday.

Harold:
Okay maybe, but that won't happen for a long, long time. Right?

Stinky:
[talking about the Ghost Bride] The Ghost Bride will get you and hack you up, just like her sister and her former intended!

Arnold:
[reading headstone] "Here lies Cynthia Snell. She lived her life and went straight to..." I can't read the rest.

Arnold:
But we have to do something, we can't just stay in here forever.

Harold:
Sure we can, these guys did. [points at two dead corpses]

Arnold:
But they're dead.

Sid:
What's your point?

Sid:
[to Curly, dressed as a dead bride] I can't believe you'd pull such a dirty trick!

Eugene Horowitz:
I can't believe how nice you look in that dress!

Curly:
OK, it was a dirty trick, I admit it. But I wanted to tell the story! Why should Gerald always get to tell the stories? IT'S NOT FAIR!

Sid:
I say we lock him in the crypt and leave him here!

[while Curly is tied inside the crypt, he heard someone humming "Here comes the bride"]

Curly:
Helga? Is that you? Come on! This isn't a joke! Let me out! Come on, Helga! Helga?! NO!

Jamie O:
You tore my shirt!

Gerald:
Your shirt? That's my shirt!

Jamie O:
Either way, you're dead!

Rhonda:
Should we do our own make up, or will the crew do it?

Mr. Simmons:
Do your own.

Helga:
I'd rather watch paint dry.

Helga:
Let's go practice being spontaneous.

Big Bob:
Criminy, I'm a monster.

Helga:
Actually it was just just gas, doc said you'll be fine as soon as you lay off the double rocks and lambs.

Arnold:
Are you okay, Helga?

Helga:
Oh I'm just peachy. My dad's joining some wacky spiritual group, brain-washed Miriam and Olga and is planning to take us all to Oregon to live in a hut, out in nature to sing songs and eat bark.

Phoebe:
As long as the other students continue to regard me as a gas-passer, I'm afraid I have no other choice than to turn the other cheek. No pun intended.

Arnold:
[Telling the class about Phoebe] ...and she's so embarassed and upset that she's never coming back to P.S. 118. [Class murmurs]

Mr. Simmons:
Thank you, Arnold, for bringing this very serious issue to our attention. [sighs] Now, people, one of our own classmates is in trouble and it's up to us to help her through her crisis. I think we should all go over to Phoebe's after school and tell her that she has nothing to be embarassed about. I think we should tell her that we love her and care for her and if she comes back to school, we'll all forget about her little incident and never talk about it again! What do you say?! [class remains silent] Okay, if we pull this off, then tomorrow's Movie Day.

Class:
YAY!

Helga:
Look Phoebe, you gotta snap out of this. I mean, criminy, it's not like it's the first time you ever farted. Heck, when you sleep over you do it all the time. You rip 'em all night long, they stink to high heaven. It's all I can do to keep from passing out.

Phoebe:
[Points to door from under blanket; irritably] Just get out.

Helga:
[Passing Arnold as she leaves] Well, it's all up to you now, football-head.

Arnold:
Phoebe? Do you feel any better?

Phoebe:
[Emerging from the blanket] Actually, Arnold, I feel worse. I know now that no one is ever gonna forget what I did. From now on, when people look at me, the only thing they'll see is a girl who flatulated.

Arnold:
That's not true.

Phoebe:
Get real, Arnold! Nine years of living have been reduced to one... to one, solitary fart!

Arnold:
Come on, Phoebe. You know there's more to you than that.

Phoebe:
Well, of course there is, Arnold! I'm smart and funny! I'm neat and clean and organized! I have a perfect attendance record, and I'm very good at checkers!

Arnold:
Well, then you have to do something to make people remember all those things. You have a choice to make. You can run away from your problems, sit in your room and hide from the world, or you can go back to school and stand up for yourself.

Phoebe:
I can't do that, Arnold. I can't face them.

Arnold:
If you can't face the class, how are you ever gonna face yourself?

Phoebe:
Until three days ago, I was Phoebe Heyerdahl, fourth grader, straight-A student, and a good friend to a lot of you. But then something happened. [nervously] I accidentally... uh, well, I accidentally passed... went... [furiously] Heck, I'm just gonna say it! I farted! [the kids whistle and laugh] Yes, that's right! I "let one rip", I "honked a big jobber", "blew the tuba", "popped a whopper"! [the kids stop laughing as she gets serious] You all thought it was pretty funny. I guess if I were in your shoes, I'd think it was kind of funny too. But ever since then, I've gone from being Phoebe Heyerdahl to just "that girl who farted", and I don't think it's fair, because I'm more than that! If you ask me, I don't have anything to be ashamed of. I think you're the ones who should be ashamed! [leaves the stage]

Principal Wartz:
Well, I for one applaud Miss Heyerdahl for having the courage to stand up for herself, and I think you should too! What do you say, gang?

Harold:
I got something to say. Phoebe's a farter! Phoebe's a farter! [Laughs, then suddenly wets his pants] Uh-oh...

Sid:
Look! Harold wet his pants! [the kids laugh]

Harold:
[wailing and fleeing the room] Mommy! Mommy!

Rhonda [to Phoebe, smirking] He's never gonna hear the end of it. [the episode ends with Phoebe leaning back in her seat, smiling]

Harold:
[offscreen] OH NO!

Rhonda:
[last lines before Hey Arnold!: The Jungle Movie] He's never gonna hear the end of it.