Hot in Cleveland, Season 2

Elka:
[to Victoria's selfish whining while Elka is in jail] You better buck up and bug down, bitch!

Elka:
I'm in freaking jail!

(Pete and Melanie are kissing)

Agnieszka:
Disgusting! I thought you said she was not a California floozy.

Pete:
Mom, hello. (leans to kiss his mother's cheek)

Agnieszka:
No, no, no. Not after that.

Joy:
Need a refill?

Elka:
You got that right, Skeletora.

Elka (to Joy) What´s dumb, flat and needs to shave a mustache? Spoiler Alert. It´s you!

Joy:
(to Victoria) Will you at least marry me before you start cheating!

Victoria:
I thought you weren´t coming here.

Elka:
Well I ran out of vodka and I thought I´d come here and freshen up my drunk.

Pete:
(to Melanie, about being jealous of his brother) I´ve been waiting for this moment forever. Second hand Pete no more.

Melanie:
Worst thing is Pete wants to rub me in Hanks´face.

Elka:
I thought you did that on his boat.

Elka:
I thought you were gonna tell everybody how you two hooked up on your boat the first night she got here.

Melanie:
Now we know that there are fifteen ways to say whore in Polish.

Victoria:
What a beautiful language.

Elka:
(walks into the girls' beauty treatments) Hey Nice and Easy.

Victoria:
Yeah I picked this up yesterday.

Elka:
That´s great dear, but I was talking about Melanie and Joy.

Melanie:
We are having a day of beauty, you know, fighting the good fight

Elka:
Well, lay down your weapons lady, time won.

Judge:
Just get to the example Fellini.

Elka:
See you losers, I got a date.

Elka:
(to Joy) I think you forgot the rest of your outfit upstairs, with your dignity.

Joy:
My fake fiancee dumped me so I can´t even keep a phony relationship.

Oliver:
I didn´t remember the babysitter having a british accent, but then I thought hey, better, she sounds like Mary Poppins.

Melanie Griffith:
You forgot I did all my stunts in Crazy in Alabama.

Victoria:
And you forgot a little Lifetime Original movie called soccer mom ninja.

Joy:
There´s always adoption.

Victoria:
Yes, you gave one away, you take one back.

Victoria:
I´m poor and out of a job, it´s the best time to believe in magic.

Joy:
Well, seems like he mastered the art of licking himself.

Melanie:
Thank God men can´t do that. It´s hard enough as it is to take them away from tv.

Victoria:
I´m going to make a sex tape, and you are all going to help.

Joy:
I hate daylight saving time.

Gordon:
Me too! It´s like jet-lag without going anywhere.

Joy:
That would make a great tweet.

Gordon:
I hate Twitter.

Joy:
I went from I love to a restraining order in ten minutes… that´s a personal best.

Victoria:
My agent says to hold off on the sex tape. He says there might be an opening on Celebrity Rehab...? They just wanna figure out which addiction would get me the most camera time.

Max:
Elka, I can't be alone in Florida. The women are all over me. I'm like a Cheeto in a flock of seagulls.

Victoria:
My hot gardener went back to his ex-wife.

Elka:
Those first wives'll get you every time.

Victoria:
Yeah. Well, I'll get over it, but... he was a good man. And God, could he fill a pair of jeans. Now, he had a butt like two scoops of ice cream.

Elka:
Max too. Soft serve, but the same idea.

Joy:
(excitedly) I get to stay in America!!!

Elka:
That's another reason to go to Canada.

Yoder:
Thee?

Elka:
Let's discuss it over dinner. (as she walks out) Hey, it's a date. Don't waiteth up.

Kirk Stark:
May I see you in chambers, Cynthia?

Judge Lesser:
It´s Judge Lesser, and no you may not. Now I need a minute to process all this,so sit your lying hideous face down.

Victoria:
I thought you tampered juror number eight

Elka:
I tampered the heck out of him

Rick:
Your former friends are next. There must be some part of you that's still rooting for them.

Joy:
well I can't deny- Rick: kill that part of yourself!

Rick:
It's against every instinct in my body to stop a girl fight that might result in torn clothes or a glimpse of side boobage.

Melanie:
The next best singer should step up!

Victoria:
Yes, which is why I'm stepping.

Elka:
You mean tripping!

Victoria:
I have been speaking diva since I cheerfully informed my pre-school teacher that not all the little teapots are short and stout!

Joy:
Careful how you toss your sticks in the air, that time you almost hit me!

Elka:
I'll try harder next time!

Rick:
Would any of you care to join me in the back of my tour bus?

Joy:
tour bus? You drive a ford fiesta!

Rick:
Spanish for party!

Melanie:
we were just practising for the Battle of the Bands.

Rick:
Yes, i couldn't help but overhear that you suck.

Victoria:
You know I really think we have a shot at winning this contest!

Melanie:
and even if we don't, its an honour just to be entered.

Elka:
That's what Joy said during Fleet Week!

Elka (eating pie) The guys at Pie+Curious... Once you go blackberry...

Victoria:
If she were any more of a bitch, she’d have puppies.

Joy:
Maybe this could work to your advantage. Award voters love it when actresses are brave enough to look hideous.

Victoria:
I’m hideous?

Joy:
Yes. Good hideous. You know, like Charlize Theron in Monster.

Victoria:
Oh, you’re right. The judges love it when beautiful people suffer.

Victoria:
I think people would know the difference between me and a coconut.

Susan Lucci:
Oh. We could age the coconut.