Hustle, Series 3

Danny:
You gotta get us a decent place, Ash.

Ash:
I'm workin' on it.

Danny:
[Frustrated] Can you work on it quicker, please?

Ash:
Yeah, we've been through every major hotel in London. The couple we could've used you nosed up with dodgy credit cards.

Danny:
Not being funny, mate, okay. We need a new gaff 'cause I can smell cats.

Ash:
Look, I told you, I'm workin' on it, all right?

Danny:
All right, how about I share a room with Stacie, then, make things a bit more bearable.

Stacie:
Eew, for who?

[Ash pays for drinks with a ten-pound note, which Eddie checks for authenticity]

Eddie:
I had three dodgy tenners last week.

Ash:
Yeah, well not from me, you didn't.

Mickey and Stacie:
[Whispering simultaneously to each other] Danny.

Danny:
Can I ask you something?

Mickey:
No.

Danny:
Only, unless I'm missing something, you don't seem to get much in the way of female company.

Mickey:
I do all right.

Danny:
When?

Mickey:
When I'm as far away from you as possible.

Danny:
You see, I get loads.

Mickey:
[Laughs] Yeah, well, you get loads because you're not as choosy as I am.

Danny:
Hey mate, it's all the same when the lights are out.

Mickey:
You really believe that, don't you?

Danny:
All right, all right. What do you look for in a bird, then?

Mickey:
Wit, elegance, femininity...

Danny:
Me too. And if they've got a humongous pair of jugs, bingo!

[Danny and Mickey's rivalry escalates further]

Danny:
I bet I've got a bigger willy than you.

Albert:
So Henderson issued a challenge.

Mickey:
Which was?

Albert:
The truest test of a grifter's skill. They were both dropped off in the middle of New York at noon... naked.

Mickey:
[Stunned] What?

Stacie:
Naked?

Albert:
...As the day they were born. Henderson and Devlan agreed to meet that very evening at six pm to compare spoils and see who had accumulated the most.

Danny:
That's brilliant. That's brilliant! Let's do it!

[Stacie and Mickey laugh]

Mickey:
[Trails off from laughing] Oh God, he's serious.

Mickey:
You can't lead your own crew.

Danny:
Why not?

Mickey:
Because you're immature, irresponsible, reckless, empty-headed and impulsive.

Danny:
[Cheerfully] But apart from all that! I'm ready!

[Danny doesn't quite understand the stock market con]

Danny:
This is nuts.

[Danny jumps off a small platform onto a crash mat and falls on the landing]

Ash:
No, no, no. When you land you need to bend your knees, Danny. All right? And if you're coming in fast, you bend and you roll.

Mickey:
So, Ash, are we ready?

[Ash nods]

Danny:
Whoa! Whoa, whoa! All we've done is jump off a box twice!

Mickey:
[Deadpan] Would you like to do it again?

Danny:
You said I'd have proper training!

Mickey:
Danny, how hard can it be? You jump and then you land! We've covered it.

Danny:
Well, what if the reserve don't open?

Ash:
All right, okay, look, if the reserve doesn't open there's a standard procedure, all right?

Danny:
Tell me that!

Ash:
All right, now, you grab the knees of your jumpsuit and you lean forward. Go on.

[Danny adopts this position]

Danny:
Like that?

Ash:
Further. [Danny bends over more] That's it, good. Yeah. Stick your head between your legs.

Stacie:
And you kiss your ass goodbye.

Adam Rice:
So, how many jumps have you done?

Mickey:
A few.

Adam:
What about you, Danny?

Danny:
[Clearly terrified] Oh, God!!!

Mickey:
[Smiles awkwardly] He's quite new.

[Mickey and Danny are about to skydive]

Danny:
[Nearly hysterical] Okay, okay, I resign!! I don't want to be a grifter anymore! I want to be a postman!

Mickey:
[Going to the plane door] Okay!

[He gestures for Danny to come, but Danny has shut his eyes in fear]

Mickey:
Think about Albert!

Danny:
[Moves to go with Mickey] I hate you!!!

Mickey:
[Jokingly] I hate you too! Come on!