Jeeves and Wooster, Season 3

Ship's captain:
[reacting to soup splashed on his uniform from a dinner roll that Tuppy tossed to draw Bertie's attention] This is not the sort of behavior we allow on this ship!

Tuppy Glossop:
[to Bertie, who's standing next to the captain] Who's the chap in the fancy dress?

Bertie Wooster:
He's the captain. Nice fellow. Speaks very good French.

Tuppy Glossop:
[to the captain, with affected upper-class accent] Eh, look, I'm terribly sorry, señor. Quel fromage and all that. [to Bertie, apparently not registering that the captain also speaks English] That'll hold him. They love it when you speak the old lingo.

[the captain glares at Tuppy]

Bertie Wooster:
You've heard of limpets, Jeeves?

Jeeves:
The gastropod mollusc of the genus Patella noted for adhering tightly to rocks, sir?

Bertie Wooster:
Exactly, Jeeves. Well, this blasted Pershore seems to be noted for adhering tightly to Woosters. Can't get rid of the blighter. Just as I'm about to click with some toothsome filly, up pops Motty Pershore to enliven proceedings by standing at my elbow like a wet weekend at Chalfont St. Giles.

[seeing the Statue of Liberty for the first time]

Bertie Wooster:
She's a fair size, Jeeves.

Jeeves:
Indeed, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Puts one in mind of Honoria Glossop in that white dress she used to wear at hunt balls.

Jeeves:
The similarity is a striking one, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Now, Jeeves, why do you think they built all these tall buildings?

Jeeves:
Well, sir, it was partly because of the restricted size of Manhattan Island and partly because the island is solid granite and therefore capable of supporting such structures.

Bertie Wooster:
Nothing to do with having got the plans sideways, then.

Jeeves:
No, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
That's what Barmy told me.

Jeeves:
You will pardon me for saying so, sir, but Mr. Fotheringay-Phipps is not noted for his architectural expertise.

Bertie Wooster:
You, er, ate something last night that disagreed with you, did you?

Wilmot Pershore:
No. Nothing of the kind. I drank too much. Much too much. Lots and lots too much. And what's more, I'm going to do it again! I'm going to do it every night!

Bertie Wooster:
Yes, well... yes, right. You see, the thing is, Motty — I'm sort of responsible for you, so to speak, and if you carry on like this I'm liable to end up neck-deep in the soup with your mother.

Wilmot Pershore:
Well, I can't help your troubles, old thing. This is the first time in my life I've had the chance to yield to the temptations of a great city.

Bertie Wooster:
Well, yes, but Motty—

Wilmot Pershore:
No, old thing. All my bally life I've been cooped up in the ancestral home in Much Middlefold in Shropshire. And until you've been cooped up in Much Middlefold in Shropshire, you don't know what cooping is. This is my only chance to assemble a disreputable past, and I'm going to take it!

Bertie Wooster:
Jeeves, there's a dog in there!

Jeeves:
That will be Rollo, sir. His Lordship [Wilmot Pershore] informed me that he purchased the animal from a Norwegian seaman.

Bertie Wooster:
He tried to bite me!

Jeeves:
No doubt in time the creature will learn to distinguish your peculiar scent, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
What do you mean, "my peculiar scent"? Jeeves, I do not intend to hang about in my bedroom while life slips by, in the hope that one of these days some dratted animal will decide that I smell all right!

Pauline Stoker:
It's Bertie Wooster! Well, well, well!

Bertie Wooster:
Well, well, well, yourself, old fruit.

Bertie Wooster:
By the way, Jeeves, on no account do we agree to our staying here overnight.

Jeeves:
Very good, sir. Might one inquire why?

Bertie Wooster:
Because, Jeeves, of all places on this great planet of ours, West Neck, Long Island, has been chosen to be the most unexciting. The last time anything remotely interesting happened here was in 1842, when a tree fell over. They still talk about it in the village.

Rockmeteller Todd:
[running toward Bertie with paper in hand] Listen to this! Just listen to this!

Bertie Wooster:
Wait a minute, wait a minute!

Rockmeteller Todd:
What?

Bertie Wooster:
Can't a chap hang up his hat before he's read to?

Rockmeteller Todd:
Good Lord, I'd have to dress for dinner every night! I won't do it. I can't do it! Do you realize, I don't usually get out of my pajamas till five in the afternoon, and then I just put on a sweater, like this?

Bertie Wooster:
Don't listen, Jeeves.

Jeeves moans

Bertie Wooster:
Jeeves?

Jeeves, in anguish, sits on a nearby tree stump, face cupped in hands

Bertie Wooster:
I'm sorry, Jeeves, you shouldn't have heard that. [pats Jeeves on the shoulder]

Jeeves:
[recomposing himself] I shall be better directly, sir.

in the stairwell of a New York City apartment building

Jeeves:
Good afternoon, madam.

Woman:
[holding the handle of a mop] Don't you "good afternoon" me, I'm a respectable woman.

Jeeves:
I have no reason to doubt it, madam. We are calling upon Mr. Bickersteth.

Woman:
Next floor up. [as Jeeves and Bertie resume climbing the stairs] Hey, big fella. [Jeeves turns around] You're kinda cute, the way you talk.

Jeeves:
Madam is too kind.

Woman:
If you wanna come up and split a beer anytime...

Jeeves:
Well, I shall certainly bear your generous invitation in mind if I am in the vicinity. Good afternoon, madam. [tips his hat, and he and Bertie hurry up the stairs]

Bertie Wooster:
You seem to have made a bit of a conquest there, Jeeves.

Jeeves:
Thank you, sir.

at a New York City diner

Waitress:
One burger medium, one rare, and one ham and eggs over easy. [to Jeeves] You wanna shake with that?

Jeeves:
Thank you, no, I shall, er, just sit here quietly, I think.

Waitress:
[to Bertie] Is he being funny?

Bertie Wooster:
No, he always talks like that. [to Jeeves] She means do you want a milkshake, Jeeves.

Jeeves:
Oh! Thank you, no. A cup of coffee, if you please.

Waitress:
You got it. [walks away]

Jeeves:
[looking around] Don't think I have....

Waitress:
Say. You're pretty cute, you know that?

Jeeves:
Thank you. So I have been informed.

Bertie Wooster:
Jeeves, you seem to have a fatal fascination for the women of this country.

Jeeves:
Yes, it is a problem, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
There's no chance of your switching it off, or something, I suppose?

Jeeves:
I regret not, sir. I have to learn to bear it.

Bertie Wooster:
As do the rest of us, Jeeves.

Jeeves:
Good morning, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
I have the distinct feeling that I have only been asleep for ten minutes, Jeeves. What time is it?

Jeeves:
Seven o'clock, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Seven o'clock?! Did I ask to be wakened three and a half hours before breakfast?

Bertie Wooster:
Well, can't Jeeves think of anything?

Rockmeteller Todd:
He just hangs around saying, [imitating Jeeves] "most disturbing, sir." Fat lot of good that does.

Jeeves:
[to the "Boost for Birdsburg" conventioneers] Will it redound to the good name of Birdsburg, gentlemen, if it is printed in every newspaper in the land that you, the town's representatives, were mousetrapped by a pair of suede-shoe feather merchants?