Kath & Kim, Series 1

Sharon:
You know what Mrs. D? I think you should come out!

Kath:
... I don't think so, Sharon.

Kim:
[To Kath at bridal shop] That could be the theme of your wedding... mutton dressed as lamb!

Kel:
[To Kath, indignant over her coldness after his 'seamans revelation'] Keep Saturday night free, because after that there will be no doubt that I, Kel Graham Knight, am all the man you need!... now, what did I do with my man-bag?

Kath:
[Talking to Kim about her sexuality, believing her to be a lesbian] You're a Dutch sea wall, Kim!

Kim:
[Confused] What?

Kath:
A dyke! On a bike... if you like.

Kim:
Mum, I'm not gay.

Sharon:
Well, if I'm so attractive Kim, how come I can't get a guy?

Kim:
I don't know.

Kath:
Kim, I'll tell you something for nothing, you may eat like a pig, but you're certainly not a dog.

Kim:
Well, if I'm not a dog, how come I've got a bitch for a mother?

Kath:
I heard that.

Kel:
And this is for you.

Kath:
Oh, Kel, Barbara Streisand!

Kel:
Yep, I'm a big Streisand fan.

Kath:
Really? Oh, what a nong I am to think that you were gay when you're a big Barbara Streisand fan.

Kim:
[Talking to Kath about Brett's alleged unfaithfulness] In case you hadn't noticed, I'm an emotional wreck at the moment. My husband has been having it off with not one, but two third parties!

Sharon:
If you need!

Kim:
Bloody Bolton bitches!

Kim:
I'm not as stupid as I look.

Kath:
[Trying to help her daughter to lose weight] Kimmy, Look at moiye, look at moiye, Look at moiye, ploise. Now I've got one word to say to you... Ozone hi bootiful girl!

Kim:
What?

Kath:
The ozone diet. It's the only way! It's taking Hollywood by storm, Kim. Everybody's on it: Madonna Penn Ritchie, Jennifer Pitt Aniston, Courtney Loves Cox.

Kim:
The ozone diet? What does that pacifically entail?

Kath:
Well, it's air evidently, Kimmy. You eat air for two weeks, and then red meat for two weeks, so it all balances out!

Kath:
Oh, then there is your "welcome mat". (pointing to Kim's lower back)

Kim:
What?

Kath:
Oh, the unsightly patch of hair just there.

Kath:
Look, I just feel I have so many options, R.E: the venue at the moment; you know I've got 'Big Jugs' on one hand, I've got 'Dirty Nelly's' on the other, and now I've got King Henry VIII constantly on my back!

Kim:
I'm not criticising you, Mum. I'm just saying you look bad!

Sharon:
To be honest, I think you look like mutton dressed as lamb.

Kath:
Well, thank you for noticing Sharon!

Kath:
I told King Henry VIII to get knotted. Me and Kel are happy to do it on the front lawn!

Kim:
Sharon! Treat em' mean, keep them keen!

Sharon:
Well? wouldn't... being nicer be the better way to go?

Sharon:
It’s a poem.

Kim:
This’ll be good!

Sharon:
*Reads poem from Brett to Kim* Dear Kim, I think about you all the time, I am missing you all the time, you are a hornbag, I’m a fool, if you come back I’ll put in a heated spa.

Kim:
It doesn’t even rhyme!

Brett:
(Talking to Kim about online dating) Why don't you try logging on to WWW dot bretty dot com - hey you, come here! (grabs Kim)

Kim:
Piss off, Brett!

Kath:
No kiss, no coach, no kiss, no coach, it was like a nightmare!

Kim:
Why didn't you just kiss him?

Kath:
I really want something elegant, you know. Something, I dont know, maybe a cocktail party. You know, with some hot suggestions.

Kim:
Yeah, yeah, yeah! We can have those classy cocktails. I've had them all, Sixtey-Niner, Slow Screw Against The Wall, Sex On The Beach.

Kath:
Yeah? What about an "orgasm"?

Kim:
No, I've never had one of those.

Kim:
Look at me, Mum, don't you think I look like Britney Spears?

Kath:
Yes, you do, you do, you look like her sister, Asparagus. Asparagus Spears, geddit?

Kim:
I've still got a thumping headache. I'm never drinking again.

Kath:
More Bailey's, Kim?

Kim:
Yes, thanks.

Trude:
When is the wedding?

Kath:
It's September 18th, 4:45 for a 4:46 start.

Trude:
And where will the wedding be held? Hyatt? Sheraton? Crown Towers?

Kath:
No, it's a garden wedding.

Trude:
Oh beyoushiful, a marquee at the Royal Botanical Garden!

Kath:
Erm, no, a tarpaulin over the clothesline at White Horse Court, Fountain Lakes.

Trude:
Graysh!

Prue:
How about something in your Bodum?

Kim:
I beg yours!

Prue:
A plunger in your Bodum's always nice. And it comes with these matching cups which are cyuuute.

Kim:
Nuh.

Prue:
How about Nigella Oliver's newie? It's the box set! It's got New Food, Screwed Food, Rude Food and Nude Food...

Kim:
Nuh.

Kath:
Do you have flutes in your Orrefors? (pronounced like orifice)

Trude:
Yes! I do.

Kath:
Right, I'll take two of those.

Kim:
Mum, do you want a... threw... for your carch?

Prue:
I was furious, Trude, because she knew we had the Stockbrokers-in-Crisis polo picnic, and we had to make thirty mini goats' cheese pizzas!

Trude:
Why, Flick's like that; she doesn't think! I mean, she and Jeff are grayshsh, and i love seeing them at Noorrsa...

Prue:
Yes, but down here she is just too full-on.

Trude:
Oh, that reminds me -- that little man from Beechtree and Sons is coming over to talk hoihurba.

Prue:
Oh God, I hope he's surba. Oh, we've got stacks of hoihurba left urva from Octurba! (Sees Kath and Kim) You all right there?

Trude Or are you just happy brahzing?

Kim:
Heres your statue, Mum! (brings in a statue of little baby cheeses)

Kath:
OH! What in the love in God is that?

Kim:
It's the statue you wanted!

Kath:
What? No, it's not, Kim!

Kim:
Yes, it is! It's a statue of little baby cheeses!

Kath:
Little baby cheeses? Oh, little baby "Jesus", Kim. JESUS! (sighs) Oh, Jesus!