King of the Hill, Season 13

Hank:
Dr. Weissman, my friend Bill would like to register a complaint.

Dr. Weissman:
Ohh, are you upset or something? I said you had diabetes, not cry-a-betes.

Bill:
You told me I was going to lose my legs!

Dr. Weissman:
No, I said your legs could fail one day, possibly. I-I never said anything that could constitute malpractice, other it's current definition.

Bill:
Hmm, my legs work just fine. Isn't that inspiring! (Bill closes the door and starts beating up Dr. Weissman)

Hank:
(to nurse) Uh, my friend is just, uh...

Nurse:
I don't hear a thing.

Hank:
About that science teacher of yours, does he ever talk about, uh, going green?

Bobby:
I don't know. Do you ever talk about propane? My point is, he talks about all the time.

Ted Wassanasong:
This was no act of God; look at those sledgehammer marks! It was the act of rednecks, on a drunken rampage.

Dale:
(After they rebuild neighbor's house) We should do this to Bill's house when he dies.

Bill:
What a nice lady. We used to talk about puppies and serial killers through the fence.

Lucky:
I've seen a lot of nature documentaries and I find that most of life's questions can be answered with another question: what would a monkey do?

Hank Hill:
Aw, you're (his new grand-niece) a cute one, I tell you what.

[Looking for a party]

Buck Strickland:
Son, what's the bad part of Memphis called?

Jody "Ray Roy" Strickland:
Memphis!

Emcee:
We're here to honor one of the giants of Texas propane, Mr. Buck Strickland. To introduce Mr. Strickland, his right-hand man, Hank Hill.

Hank:
(Hank walks onto the stage drunk and knocks down the emcee) I'm not going to say, hell, I am going to say what I have been wanting to say. Buck Strickland is a monster, a drunk monster. Buck Strickland is nothing but a lecherous disgusting bastard-making bastard (slurred gibberish). And now I'm going to vomit. (he vomits on a guest's head)

Buck has set up a "hospitality suite", consisting of liquor and hookers for the men of the Propane Gas Consortium

Pollard Wigand:
I am in my third term as President of the Propane Gas Consortium. Prostitute giggles

Lobby. Peggy is with the wives of the Consortium

Peggy:
All propane men make mistakes sometimes, including your husbands.

Peggy takes elevator towards Buck's hospitality suite

Buck's room. Consortium is with hookers

Buck:
Well, now that everyone's got a pretty girl on his lap, I would like to discuss leniency for my employee, Hank Hill.

Pollard Wigand:
Setup!

Buck:
Ray Roy, lock the door.

Jody secures door, hookers wrestle men to ground as Buck snaps a photo

Buck:
Now, you are all reasonable men. I think surely you can find forgiveness in your heart for old Hank, and it would be good to do it before your wives get here.

Peggy is in hallway with wives, approaching Buck's suite

Pollard Wigand:
You win, Buck.

Buck gives signal to his son, who uses cellphone

Peggy{on cell phone}:
Y'ello?

Jody Strickland:
Get their hair done.

Peggy walks past Buck's suite

Dale:
(Imitating Survivorman) There is no greater survival skill that the ability to start a fire without matches. Fortunately Arlen is rich in natural propane tank deposits.

Bobby:
Not one of [these girls] has seen my "Flatulent Monkey Visits the Post Office" routine!

Man:
Hey, do you have that song that goes, "Wah-nah-nah-nah-nah scroun-scrouna Wah-nah-nah-nah-nah scroun-scrouna?"

Clerk:
(To Peggy) I gotta... yeah.

[Nancy and her new coworkers are drinking inside of their news helicopter.]

Nancy:
Vodka, this is chopper one. Traffic is clear from my mouth to my stomach.

Gwen St. James:
Hey, give me the keys, Nancy. I want to go buzz my ex-husband's girlfriend's condo. (laughs)

Wade Bixby:
[shouting out the window] I'm... Wade... Bixby!

[Dale and Bill are wrestling over a beer can.]

Kahn Souphinousaphone:
Chain-smoking anorexic vs. that heart attack waiting to happen! Who will die first? Let's watch!

Cotton Hill:
(In a letter) "Hank, if you're readin' this it means Fatty's dead. So I have to leave this task to the one most likely to screw it up: You."

[The series' last lines]

Bobby:
Well, Dad, it looks like this is the last one.

Hank:
Oh, you're just getting started, Bobby. You'll be grilling your whole life.

Bobby:
Just like you.

Hank:
Yep.

Bobby:
Yep.

[Buck hears Ray Roy and a girl in another room]

Buck Strickland:
Gotdog! Ray Roy! Now, I hope you got two girls in there! [Buck runs into the room and finds Ray Roy in bed with Ms. Scovall]

Buck Strickland:
What the... ?! I told you to stand in line! You didn't stand in line, boy.

Ray Roy:
Hell, Daddy, that line was moving too slow. I just had to do cutsies.

Buck Strickland:
Cut... Why you son of a... [Buck jumps on the bed and he and Ray Roy start fighting]

Hank:
[overhears them in the hall] Oh No.

Ms. Scovall:
[She's cheering on Buck and Ray Roy as they're fighting] Yeah. Yeah. Woo hoo.

Ray Roy:
[Buck is choking Ray Roy] Ow. [Ray Roy then throws him to the ground]

Hank:
[Hank walks into the room. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!

Buck Strickland:
Oh, Hank, we were just letting off a little steam.

Hank:
I have tried with all my might to save you from yourself, Mr. Strickland. Well, not anymore. You're on your own. You should be ashamed of yourselves. And that includes you, Ms. Scovall. You have not honored propane.

Ms. Scovall:
He's right. I should be ashamed of myself. But I never am.

Hank Hill:
Hello.

Bobby Hill:
Hello? That's all you got? Just what the heck is going on?

Hank Hill:
What do you mean? We're finishing dinner. We'll be there to pick you up at 9:00.

Bobby Hill:
Oh, really? Well, you might want to check your watch, buddy boy. It's 10:30!

Hank Hill:
(realizes the watch was 10:30) Oh, my God. Peggy, it's 10:30!

Peggy Hill:
(Gasps) Where's Bobby?

Hank Hill:
Bobby, where are you?

Bobby Hill:
I'm at the Get In, Get Out. I hope you're happy. I'm just prostitutes by panty hose!

Hank Hill:
He's at the Get In, Get Out! (Peggy gasps and runs out to the emergency door.)

Lucky:
They keep restricting what barbers can do. My guy says he can no longer perform dentistry.

Dale:
Children see the world through innocent eyes. My book will change that.

[Dale and Luanne both bickered until Hank breaks up the fight.]

Hank:
You guys are acting like idiots. [To Luanne] You shouldn't have stolen Dale's ideas. [To Dale] You shouldn't have destroyed Luanne's dolls. We shouldn't even be having this memorial service.

Luanne:
I could have listened to you Uncle Hank; but instead I chose to succeed in DVD’s and in life.

Dale:
Joseph, listen to me. This may be my last opportunity to tell you this. I know you know a thing or two about sex. You're old enough, and you often forget to delete your Internet history. But you just know the physical stuff. Sex is also mental. And you're too young to handle those emotions. That's why I think you should wait.

Joseph:
[to the board] My dad is not crazy.

Doctor:
Uh, yeah, he is. According to the State of Texas.

Dale:
[dragged away] Please, son, save your precious flower!

Kahn:
Hey Hank Hill, I knew rednecks abandon cars and refrigerators, guess we can throw kids on the list too! Hahahaha!