Kitchen Nightmares, Season 3

[8:
58 PM, two hours into dinner service]

Gordon:
What are we waiting on Ashley?

Ashley:
I'm still waiting on chicken pancotta with penne marinara, an individual kids pepperoni pizza, half order spaghetti with meat sauce, eggplant parmesean with angel hair meat, chicken pancotta angel hair marinara, three chicken parms and a veal parmesean ...for just one table. (interview) I really felt like crying because it was that embarrassing for me.

Gordon:
Erick, can I have your undivided attention?

Erick:
Sure.

Gordon:
Nothing's happening. We served one table of four, one table of two. For the last three tickets, half an order's gone out, the other half is still on the board. You haven't got a clue what's going on. You're (Drew) running around crazy. What chance have we got serving 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, tables? You asked for one more crack at lunch time. "Let me go big boy! Let me go! I want to do it again!" We're spinning around and serving (bleep)! Do me a favour, close the (bleep) restaurant! I can't stand any longer and watch that embarrassment. I need the door (bleep) closed! Forget it! Good night!

Narrator:
After witnessing one of the worst kitchen walk-ins he has ever seen, Gordon moves on to an area outside the kitchen that restaurants are judged upon - the bathroom.

Gordon:
One of the best ways to check the hygiene of any restaurant is always through these bathrooms. Turn that [a blue UV light] on, and turn the lights off. Right, this can be quite scary. [he checks out one of the walls] Oh my good God. Green and yellow identifies bodily fluids. Any form of bleach or any form of cleaning will be identified through the colour blue, but the body fluids on here is extraordinary. [he checks the ceiling] Look, as high as the ceiling, oh my God. Even the ceiling's caked in it, OH MY GOD! This is shocking. [a sign reads "Wash your heads"] Wash your hands, yeah. Honestly, I've seen enough. Let's get the (bleep) out of here.

Gordon:
(to Nylah) Nylah, the state of that fridge in there confirms whoever's running this place in terms of kitchen management has given up. They don't give a (bleep) about you, and they don't give a (bleep) about standards.

Gordon:
(to Nylah) Having a dirty refrigeration unit is one thing. Having a filthy bathroom is something that (bleep) scares the hell out of me.

[They went to the bathroom.]

Gordon:
This thing here [the blue UV light] detects body fluids. Just have a look at this.

Nylah:
That's body fluids up there?

Gordon:
That there has got nothing to do with any form of cleaning. Look at the (bleep) state of this. Green, green, green, green, green. And here's where it gets really scarry.

[The UV light is shown towards the ceiling.]

Nylah:
How the hell did it get up there? (interview) It looked like somebody may have peed on the ceiling, the walls, the doors, you know. It could be a throw-up. I can't even imagine, you know. And it made me sick, I didn't even want to touch the door-knob coming out myself.

[Gordon turns around and sees Q, who used to work at Sebastian's]

Q:
How are you doing sir?

Gordon:
(to Q) Wait a second. (to Nylah) I recognise this man.

Nylah:
Ah-ha.

Q:
How are you doing?

Gordon:
(to Q) Your first name is...

Q:
Q.

Gordon:
From Sebastian's.

Q:
Yeah.

Gordon:
Possibly one of the most difficult, arrogant, jumped-up owners I have met in my entire life.

Q:
I thought you'd say that.

Gordon:
What the hell are you doing here?

Q:
Good question.

Gordon:
This restaurant is called "Hot Potato Cafe"? You've just served me three-week-old frozen potato skins that have no potato inside. I feel like I'm a potato organ donor.

Gordon:
This is incredible. Right through those doors has to be for me one of the worst restaurants I've ever seen in my entire cooking career. The chef doesn't give a (bleep), the owner's completely clueless and not any form of communication between the kitchen and the restaurant and the management. It's a (bleep) shandles.

Gordon:
I can't even start with a chef that can't even know how to cook something basic. Why are you pulling a chef that is that incompentent? Darling, he's not in the slightest bit of interest of (bleep) making it work, he doesn't give a (bleep) about his cooking, doesn't give a (bleep) you and he's here for one thing and one thing only, money. And the only restaurant that (bleep) guy will ever get a job is in a restaurant that doesn't have any customers. If you've got any chance of surviving here, get rid of him. What are you scared of? Talk to me.

Nylah:
Where am I going to find another chef?

Gordon:
Drew. What's wrong with Drew?

Nylah:
Drew, I think can carry it on.

Gordon:
So get rid of him!

Nylah:
Okay.

Gordon:
Unbelieveable.

Erick:
Babe, I'm sorry.

Nylah:
No, no, just wait a minute. Jeremy come here.

Erick:
I feel real bad.

Nylah:
The whole thing is, this isn't the first time you've let us down. I just can't do it. I know but I just can't do it. You guys get your paycheck every week. Jeremy and I never take a dime out of here.

Erick:
We understand that.

Nylah:
I know but I mean, the whole thing is not going to work because you...

Erick:
Okay so what do you want to do?

Nylah:
We're going to part ways.

Erick:
Okay that's no problem. Dammit! I (bleep) on that deal.

Nylah:
(interview) He couldn't pull off lunch, couldn't pull off dinner and so we just had to let him go. You know I can't do this.

[8:
30 AM, day two - kitchen inspection. Gordon walks into a refrigeration unit.]

Gordon:
(Bleep) almighty, where do we start in a place like this? [looking at a roast beef] Roast beef, dating back when? [looking at meat that has been defrosting] What is that there? Just meat defrosting, again no sign of what it is. [looking at a parma ham that is moldy] Fresh parma ham, it's caked in mold. This is outrageous. [he touches the base of it, and it stuck on his hand] Look at it. It sticks in your (bleep) hand, it's that rancid. [looking a a rack of ribs, which made him sick] Woh, (bleep) hell. That's just over three months old. [he smells it] (Bleep) almighty. Oh God. [he ran to a bin to puke]

Gordon:
Adele, what do you think?

Adele:
(Shaking her head) I don't like it.

Gordon:
You don't like it?

Adele:
I hate blue.

Gordon:
Unbelievable.

Waitress:
I'm dumbfounded. I don't think I have ever heard anyone say they hate the color blue!

Adele:
I hate it.

Bill:
You hate it?

Adele:
Hate it. How can you be positive about something you hate? Ugly. I wanna throw up. I hate it! Hate, hate, hate. Oh my God.

[Gordon's mushroom risotto is stuck to the plate and won't move around on it]

Gordon:
Is that normal? The Amazing Bazzini's Risotto. Woohoo! (twirls the plate around) Wow, that's extraordinary, no? Doesn't even move.

Andy :
If this restaurant closes, the last thing I wanna do is work for some idiot somewhere else. I hate idiots.

Gordon:
(about Andy) This is unbelievable, because there’s a lot of similarities between Andy and I. We’re both English and we both studied in Paris, but there’s one thing we don’t share in common: I care about my customers. He clearly doesn’t give a shit. What a shame.

Andy:
I’m a loser, everybody. I’m the worst.

CeCe:
So he is a bigger asshole than I thought. (Talking about Ramsay)

CeCe's father:
Fuck him.

CeCe:
What?

CeCe's father:
Fuck him.

CeCe:
Fuck him? (Almost laughing)

CeCe's father:
Chef Ramsay... surprised nobody break his legs yet...!

[during after-lunch meeting]

Gordon:
What’s with the defense mechanism?

CeCe:
(laughs) Oh, my God. Don’t you get defensive if somebody comments on your food like that?

Gordon:
I don’t cook shit like that.

(Ashton has hand over mouth in surprise while CeCe shakes her head in disbelief)

Gordon:
When was the last time somebody complained about the food?

CeCe:
Well, last night.

Gordon:
Mm-hmm, and what did they say?

CeCe:
It was bland.

Gordon:
And were they right or they wrong?

CeCe:
No, they’re right. But... you’re off the wall with what you’re saying.

Gordon:
Here’s the difference between you and me: I listen for feedback. You can’t handle it. I came here because you asked me to come and help you, and your reaction to me telling you something quite constructive in a very calm manner is a joke.

CeCe:
Ok, so you want me to be your fucking puppet?

Gordon:
Why are you shouting? Why—

CeCe:
Because you’re pissing me the fuck off!

Gordon:
So shut the fuck up and talk properly. Is this the way you react when I’m not even here? (to the staff) Is this an old procedure when— it is, yeah?

CeCe:
Oh, you’re gonna get your fucking ass kicked.

Gordon:
Oh, there you go. Madam, you have an attitude problem. I‘m not too sure which is worse: the food, or the attitude.

CeCe:
(to the staff) Ooh, can I hit him now? (to Gordon) You know, a lot of people said you were a jerk; I think I believe it. Anything else?

(dismayed with CeCe’s attitude, Gordon then turns to leave the restaurant)

Gordon:
Fuck this. No fucking way. What a sad case.

[After a disastrous dinner service, CeCe and Gordon are sitting on a bench outside the restaurant]

Gordon:
You all right? (CeCe is sobbing) No, come on.

(CeCe continues sobbing)

Gordon:
I can’t start to even attempt to help unless you come to terms with the problem, and that is the food.

CeCe:
It’s good when I cook!

Gordon:
Come on! This is not a game for me!

CeCe:
It’s not a fucking game for me; this is my life! It’s not a joke for me! Don’t start saying that; it’s not a joke! It’s not a joke for me. I care! If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t fucking be here, so stop saying I don’t care! Just stop, please.

Gordon:
I haven’t said that!

CeCe:
Yes, you did.

Gordon:
What I’m trying to tell you is that you have to come to terms, internally, that there is a huge problem and that is with the food.

CeCe:
(interview) Nobody wants to hear that anything that they do sucks. I don’t like to fail. Death would be better than failing.

Gordon:
It’s certainly not a sign of weakness to admit your failings. I’ve closed three restaurants but I also have a number of successful ones. One-thousand, six-hundred and fifty members...

CeCe:
I know who you are.

Gordon:
That’s—

CeCe:
And it’s— It’s— I—

Gordon:
A “jerk,” you told me earlier.

CeCe:
Well, you can be a jerk.

Gordon:
Stop acting like a petulant teenager! I’m not gonna stand there and be a doormat for you to take the piss out of me. Let’s get one thing right: you asked me here and I’m here to help, so let me in.

CeCe:
Okay, the food sucks. There, you happy?

Gordon:
There’s a problem with the way the food is prepared, there’s a problem with the way the food is ordered, there’s a problem with the way the food is not respected... I’m sorry, CeCe, but it’s just not good enough.

(CeCe sobs some more)

Gordon:
You're the owners?

Andy and Suzanne:
Yes.

Gordon:
Ok, great. (searching through his Danish dictionary) Hvordan er du? (How are you?)

Andy:
I'm sorry. No Danish here.

Gordon:
But... it is a Danish restaurant?

Andy:
The Danes have left the building.

Gordon:
So... the chef's Danish?

Andy and Suzanne:
No... he's Cuban.

Gordon:
Cuban...

Gordon:
I've never been to a Japanese restaurant where I can have a pizza... sushi style... and a chef owner that's no longer in the kitchen. I'm nervous.

Cook:
Just go with it.

Ashleigh:
Ok.

Gordon:
Um... that's the sushi pizza?

Ashleigh:
It sure is. It's rice, salmon, crab, and mayonnaise... some cheese...

Gordon:
Wow. Thank you darling. Japanese pizza? (Takes a bite and spits it out) Sorry. That... is rancid.

Ashleigh:
(In an interview) Chef had fair warning that it was going to be terrible. (laughing)

Gordon:
Mhm!

Ashleigh:
I told him not to get it!

[to Ashleigh]:
You were right. That... is an insult to pizza, yeah? And Japanese food.