Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness, Season 2

Crane:
Sorry, Po. I spent my last few coins on a new nasal irrigator. Ain't she a beaut? But, uh, I'd be happy to donate my services in any way I can. Uh, excuse me.

Po:
Wait a minute, great idea! We can all donate our services!

Tigress:
Which means?

Po:
We'll hold a Jade Palace Fancy-Pants Auction!

Monkey:
You mean get people to bid money on us?

Po:
Right. Whoever bids the most gets to spend the day with their favorite kung fu master. Is that an incredibly awesome idea or what?

Tigress:
I doubt Master Shifu would approve.

Po:
He won't know. He's off on his yearly pilgrimage to enhance his spiritual powers.

Shifu:
[getting his back massaged by a bunny woman jumping on him; sighs in relaxation] Just a little to the left. There-Ah! Thank you.

Mr. Ping:
[standing on a pedestal] Hello! And welcome to the Jade Palace Master Kung Fu Charity Auction! And brought to you by Ping's Noodle Shop. This week only, all noodle soup profits go directly to the new children's hospital. [a group of kids cheer] But not dessert profits. [the kids groan sadly] What? Let's not go cuckoo crazy here. Hmm… okay… dessert profits too. [the kids cheer again] Okay, okay, let's get right to the bidding! First up, Master Tigress!

Tigress:
[to Po; smugly] Watch and learn, charitable chump.

Crane:
[sneezes and snorts the mucus back in his nose and sees the disgusted crowd looking at him] Excuse me. Lot of allergens in the air. [sneezes twice] It'll…uh…it'll clear up in a second. [honks and sneezes uncontrollably and pacing back and forth as the crowd follows]

Mr. Ping:
Well, that was unattractive. Okay, do I hear 40? Eh… 39? 33? Oh, really… oh, 7?

Crane:
[to Po; sadly] Sorry I ruined your auction, Po. [leaves the stage in rejection]

Po:
But, Crane… [Crane sneezes off-screen] mean to… That didn't go very well, did it?

Mantis:
Oh, you figured that all out by yourself?

Mr. Ping:
The people are watching. Continue the auction!

Mr. Ping:
[appearing out of cover after Fenghuang flees] Let's hear it for the Dragon Warrior and the Furious Five!

[All the villagers cheer]

Duck villager:
More like the Furious Four.

Crane:
[still stuck on the wall] I'm okay! I got this! [frees himself by landing in the center of the crowd, they all laugh mockingly at him] Ha, ha. Why don't you paint a picture? It'll last longer.

[A villager unfolds a scroll, showing a crude drawing of Crane stuck on the wall, and the crowd bursts into laughter]

Tigress:
Focus, Crane. Even though she's injured, Fenghuang won't be easy to capture. We have to go after her.

Crane:
[walks away from the others and lightly hits the Adversary, which he then gets his beak stuck] Ow.

Tigress:
[stopping Po as he tries to console Crane] Just leave him alone, Po. Crane's an accomplished kung fu master. He'll get his confidence back.

Mantis:
Where have you guys been? Fenghuang's been spotted up by the mountains!

Viper:
And she's still nursing her wing!

Tigress:
This is our chance to capture her! Come on! We gotta get up there while she's still weak.

Crane:
I… I'm not going.

Po:
Huh? Crane, no! We need you.

Crane:
Po, you saw me freeze up when Fenghuang attacked. And you heard everyone laughing when we went down to the village.

Po:
[optimistically] So? That's something. [laughs nervously before Crane gives him a sad look] Crane, we're friends. And being friends means we can always count on each other. No matter what anybody else thinks.

Crane:
Sorry, Po. [sadly looks away]

Po:
Crane…

Tigress:
[putting her hand on Po's shoulder] He's made his choice, Po. We gotta get going.

[Crane is helping Zeng broom-sweep the training courtyard]

Crane:
And that, Zeng, is how my uncle decided to re-insulate the nest with thatched reed instead of the more popular doubled-up bundled straw.

Zeng:
[laughs weakly] That's very… interesting, Master Crane.

Crane:
Yep. True story about thatched reed--

Zeng:
Uh, Master Crane? Forgive me, but, uh, why didn't you go with the others?

Crane:
[looks down with sadness, having to have heard that] Because I'm a joke, Zeng. At any moment, I could freeze up. [honks] At least here, I can't hurt anyone. [sneezes violently and coughs, almost hitting Zeng with the broom]

Fenghuang:
[laughing evilly at Crane] Aww, what's the matter, little birdy? Lose your confidence? [continues laughing]

Crane:
[looks down sadly, but at the last moment, looks up angrily] I've just found it.

Mr. Ping:
It is with great pleasure that I announce the grand opening of the new children's hospital! Master Crane, as one of the most respected and loved members of the Furious Five, will you do the honors?

Crane:
Well, uh… Me? [two bunny kids give him back his hat before putting it back on his head]

Po:
[giving him a thumbs-up] Way to go, buddy.

[Crane cuts the red ribbon with his beak as a pair of scissors, declaring the children's hospital open, and everyone cheers]

Crane:
[coughing and wheezing] Was that ribbon made of silk?! [snorting]

Tigress:
[sighs] Let's get him inside.

Monkey:
He's allergic to silk?

Mantis:
Of course.

Mr. Ping:
[laughs nervously] Let's hear it for Master Crane, the hospital's first patient!

Shifu:
Crane, if you'd done that in combat, someone could have gotten hurt!

Po:
[yelling in distant] Someone did!

Crane:
[snapping] Someone always gets hurt! Kung fu isn't safe! It's just like my… Like, someone said. I have to go.

Shifu:
What? Where?

Crane:
I'm resigning from the Furious Five. [pushes the door open, accidentally hitting Po in the face] Goodbye, everyone… Forever.

[Po finds Crane in his father's noodle shop]

Po:
Hello. Why do you want to leave the Furious Five, buddy?

Crane:
I don't want to talk about it.

Po:
Come on, you can tell me.

Crane:
[defiant] I said no!

Po:
Tell me.

Crane:
No.

Po:
Tell me.

Crane:
No.

Po:
Tell me.

Crane:
No.

Po:
Tell me.

Crane:
No.

Po:
Tell me.

Crane:
No.

Po:
Tell me.

Crane:
No--NO!

Po:
I could do this forever. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?

Crane:
[sighs] It's my mother. She's always been kind of… overprotective. [voice-over during a 2D animated flashback] She made me wear a full suit of armor till I was six years old. I wasn't allowed to run or play, and she tied pillows to all the sharp corners in the house. She just didn't believe I could take care of myself. But one day, I snuck out and went to… a kung fu class! It was amazing! I knew right then it was what I wanted to do with my life. Of course, the class may have been a wee bit advanced for me. I don't know how my mom found out, but ever since then, she's hated kung fu. The slightest hint of it gives her dangerous heart palpitations. So I had to promise I would never, ever, ever have anything to do with kung fu.

[Back to the present]

Po:
[surprised] Whoa.

Crane:
Po, my mom has a weak heart. If she knew I was a Kung Fu master, it would kill her.

Po:
Are you sure she doesn't know?

Crane:
Yes, 'cause she's not dead! I've been telling her that I… [sighs] Manage an inn. It's what she always wanted.

Po:
Not like you… own an inn? Or you own a bunch of inns, or you invented inns?

Crane:
No. Mother believes in keeping her expectations low. Anyway, I figured I could get away with it 'cause she hates traveling. So I thought she'd never come to visit. And now she's coming to visit!

Po:
Huh?

Crane:
[nervously worried] Oh, Po. What am I gonna do?

Po:
[thinking; then gets an idea] Got it! You don't have to quit. We'll just pretend you're an inn manager. How long is she staying?

Crane:
Just for the day. But it gets worse. I told her my inn is the Jade Palace. And that you and the Five work for me. And that Shifu is a poor, underprivileged simpleton who cleans the toilets!

Po:
[shocked] What?!

Yan Fan:
[looking around for her son] Where are you? [finds him; happily] Oh, my baby! Look at you. [hugs her son]

Po:
[sits up, putting his hand on his head; groaning] Did we save the lychee nuts?

Shifu:
You're lucky to be alive, panda.

Mantis:
[sighs in disappointment] It's my fault. Lidong was too big.

Monkey:
You did what you could, considering you're so… Uh, green?

Mantis:
I should have been able to take that guy.

Po:
How? Lidong once fought Tigress to a stand still.

Tigress:
His size is formidable. You never had a chance.

Mantis:
Yeah, because I'm comically tiny! That's what you're all thinking, isn't it?

Shifu:
A true master realizes his limits. Only then can he push past them.

Mantis:
Well, maybe it's time I pushed my limits. I'm not gonna be the weak link on this team. No way! [hops away]

Crane:
Tiny people can be so sensitive.

Crane:
Is "biggen" a word?