Law & Order, Season 19

Bernard:
A stockbroker beaten to death in the middle of a workday? In this economy, this is the kind of thing that might catch on.

Cutter:
Crossing the line was one thing when Adam Schiff had your back. Now, you're out there all by yourself.

McCoy:
It doesn't bother me.

Cutter:
No. It just makes you more stubborn.

[Bernard and Lupo examine a teenage murder victim]

Bernard:
Fresh haircut, his nails are clean... he's too well-groomed to be living out on the street. He even tucked his shirt in.

Lupo:
He buttoned his top button.

Bernard:
Did you walk around like that when you were his age?

Lupo:
Not unless my mother made me.

Cutter:
You banished Patrick Friendly from True Path 3 years ago.

Landon:
Because he violated our rules.

Cutter:
He was a 17-year-old boy who smiled at the 16-year-old girl you had designs on.

Landon:
I had a revelation.

Cutter:
To have sex with a 16-year-old girl? Our prisons are filled with men who had such "revelations".

McCoy:
One day you'll thank me for yanking your leash, Mike. I wish someone had been there to yank mine.

Mine Shaft bartender:
You just missed Dick Cheney.

Bernard:
Trust me, I don't miss Dick Cheney.

Lupo:
I'm looking for a man who's all man.

Transvestite:
Honey, I am more man than you can handle.

McCoy:
Can anybody around here read?

Cutter:
I believe that is a requirement to graduate from law school.

Bernard:
No paper, no plastic, which means no take-out, no magazines, no paper towels…

Lt. Van Buren:
No toilet paper?

Lupo:
Left hand and a bowl of water. [Van Buren and Bernard just stare at him] Half the world still does it that way.

Lt. Van Buren:
That's nasty.

Bernard:
Hey, so when you were overseas, doing intel in the boonies… ?

Lupo:
Left hand and a bowl of water.

Lt. Van Buren:
That's nasty.

Bernard:
We'll call Rubirosa for a subpoena.

Lupo:
Well, actually, in law school, that's what we call not such a good idea.

Liz:
If we're wrong, we could get disbarred.

Fred:
Like the world can't spare 2 lawyers?

Lupo:
[holds up legal papers from dead man's folder] Charlie's divorce papers. Unsigned.

Bernard:
Well the divorce is final now.

Cop:
[about an annoying fellow officer] Can't live with him, can't shoot him.

Rubirosa:
They get away with murder, and inherit $2 million.

Cutter:
The American dream.

Cutter:
What do you think? Catholic Children's Charitable Trust might have popped Decker and Prescott?

Rubirosa:
American Poetry Foundation. That's a cutthroat bunch.

Delaney:
35 years ago, I won an Overseas Press Club Award for my coverage of the fall of Saigon. Now, I make happy talk with morons in low-cut dresses. My career has been dead for a long time, I just - I just haven't had the decency to bury it.

Lupo:
[about illegal immigration] There's a solution. It's called a depression. Believe me, all those illegal immigrants are heading home.

McCoy:
Justice isn't a finite resources. Just because it's given to someone doesn't mean it'll be denied to someone else. But if it is denied to one, it will be denied to all.

Bernard:
Why would he eat dog food?

Rogers:
Well, unless he was starving or at my ex-sister-in-law's for Thanksgiving, he wouldn't.

Bernard:
Do you think New York City would hire a mentally ill woman?

Lupo:
It would explain a few things about the tax code.

Cutter:
He'll plead on Cardenas and implicate Big Chuck, but no deal on Rick Devon. What did you get?

Connie:
Big Chuck says he rolls at the clubs and he rolls at the Bowl-More, but he don't roll on his homeboys.

Cutter:
So I win.

Connie:
You know, just because you tell them it's a contest doesn't mean it is one.

Cutter:
How come you're such a sore loser?

Stanley:
It doesn't make any sense. If they found Pete guilty, they'd just send him back to his group home.

Cutter:
I promise you that's not going to happen. He confessed to a murder.

Ruth:
He'd go to prison?

Cutter:
That's the way it works. I'm not sure why this is so hard for you. You sent Pete away once before.

Stanley:
Ruthie, he's just trying to upset us.

Ruth:
You don't know what things were like that back then. They tested Petey and said he was a moron. That was the medical term - moron!

Cutter:
So he was a victim once. Makes it easy to make him a victim again.

Ruth:
All the doctors said it was the right thong to do...

Stanley:
Ruthie, look, he's bluffing. Don't you see? It doesn't make any sense. First, he doesn't get to say where Petey goes. And second, he knows that Pete can win some kind of not guilty by mental deficiency. And third...

Ruth:
Stop! That was how you counted off the reasons 40 years ago. 7 good reasons why we should give Petey away. First, he would be burden to me. Second, he needed medical care we couldn't give him. And on and on and on. All those logical reasons. And I gave away my baby! I can't do it again. I will not do it again.

Lupo:
[while looking at financial records] "Who needs math?", I told my teachers, "I'm gonna be a cop."

Bernard:
Don't feel bad. I said the same thing about biology. Now I spend half my life looking at autopsies.

Lupo:
Faxes from the city inspector approving the night shifts, the heavier loads.

Bernard:
Check this out. The number that this was faxed from doesn't match the number on the cover sheet.

Lupo:
631 area code. A city inspector faxing from the Hamptons on a weekday afternoon.

Bernard:
Nice work if you can get it.

Bernard:
Nice as you are, Lieu, I just don't see you stealing from the company till to pay for my wife's hospital bill... assuming I had a wife.

Lt. Van Buren:
Who said I was nice?

Sheriff Burkhart:
[about Timmons] A bullet never found a more deserving home.

Lupo:
I love small towns.

Bernard:
You know how many serial killers got their start in small towns?

Winston:
You happy now? You went after my money. My money had nothing to do with your job.

Cutter:
Don't worry about money, Mr. Winston. I'll send you $100 on your birthday. You can use it at the prison canteen.

Dr. Doland:
I'm actually not surprised you're here.

Lupo:
Why's that, doctor?

Dr. Doland:
I didn't see Ned this week. We had our session over the phone. There were circumstances that indicated that a phone session would be more... suitable.

Lupo:
Suitable? Meaning what? That you didn't want to be in the same room with a man who, speaking hypothetically, had just slit two people's throats?

Dr. Doland:
[pause] Hypothetically speaking.

McCoy:
I read the transcript. Very eloquent, the way you kept Susan Grayson just this side of perjury.

Cutter:
That was the easy part. The hard part was finding a Kappa Delta Alpha who married a bug instead of squashing it.

Bernard:
The Russian mob. I thought they were way past trucking, into counterfeiting, identity theft.

Lt. Van Buren:
Well, this recession's tough on everyone.

Bernard:
Just because somebody likes to collect presidential memorabilia, doesn't mean they don't appreciate a lap dance.

Connie:
[about McIntyre] Look at him. He'd rather be in jail as a Kennedy than out in the world as a toilet salesman.

Cutter:
In either place, he's a murderer.

Bernard:
Anti-war terrorists.

Lupo:
Our First Amendment in action.

Wilson:
[about the protesters] These people put Trekkies to shame. [hands Connie a notice] Motion to suppress my client's backpack and the bricks from his tool shed.

Connie:
Wow, you have high hopes.

Wilson:
Well, you know what they say about being known by the company you keep.

Connie:
You're the one with the baby killer as a client. Live long and prosper, Mr. Wilson.

[Darvey has holed up in the Iranian Embassy, making it legally impossible for him to be arrested]

Cutter:
So a killer sits in there eating caviar while we do... nothing?

Barsett:
We're trying to negotiate the Iranians out of building nuclear weapons. We don't need to be distracted by a common criminal.

Lt. Van Buren:
Common murderer. Darvey left his suitcase in the cab with a gun inside. Ballistics are a near-perfect match.

Barsett:
I'm sorry. We have to respect the treaty.

McCoy:
And if we don't, what are they going to do? Invade our embassy in Iran and take 50 hostages? Oh, wait - they already did that.

Chappell:
[during a press conference] It's outrageous. Our elected officials should be bringing every pressure to make the Iranians respect our laws. Now, if I'm elected district attorney, I won't take no for an answer in a case like this.

Connie:
[aside, to Bernard] If he's elected district attorney, I'm resigning, and burning down my office on the way out.

McCoy:
Shutting down a Christian charity. Maybe I can still get the Buddhist vote.

Mangiafico:
What, you're arresting me?

Lupo:
Yeah, we feel bad, believe me.

Gardner:
My lawyer says that anything I say under oath can be used against me by any of the 10,000 plaintiffs who will file lawsuits against me, and I won't open myself up to that kind of liability. [starts to leave]

McCoy:
Sit down, Mr. Gardner. If you refuse to testify, you'll be held in contempt, and you won't get out of it by writing a check.

Gardner:
Put me on the stand. I'll take the Fifth.

McCoy:
Take the Fifth, and I'll give you something other than a few lawsuits to worry about. I have a whole building full of broke prosecutors who'd love nothing more than to put you in their sights.

Gardner:
What do I get out of it?

McCoy:
Have you ever done something for nothing? Here's your chance.

McCoy:
We'll offer David Sutton a plea to Man-2. 6-12 years.

Cutter:
For a first-degree murder?

McCoy:
Have you looked at your evidence lately? 6-12, Mike. In an medium security prison. And make the offer tonight.

Cutter:
You wanna tell me why we're carrying water for the Feds?

McCoy:
It's called banking an IOU, which I can use in the Delacroix bank fraud case, where we'll need the Feds' help. I don't know how to break this to you, Mike, but yours is not the only case on my plate!

Cutter:
Trade leniency for a murderer for help for a bank fraud case.

McCoy:
A $2 billion bank fraud case, and your murderer still goes to prison. That's the kind of math I have to do in this job.

Cutter:
Jack says the deal's off the table.

Connie:
Well, that's good, seeing as that's what you already told David's lawyer.

Bernard:
[about anti-immigration violence] I get it, the anger. Back in South Central L.A., young Black men can't get jobs because the bosses know illegals will work for four dollars an hour and no benefits, and that they're too scared to go to the police. So, yeah, round them up, treat them humanely, and send them back. And that fence? Dig deep and build it high.

Lupo:
There's a solution. It's called a Depression. Believe me, all those illegals are heading home now.

Mr. Spence:
Screw Cooper and the fire truck he married! All I wanted was for my son to come home in one piece! [tears up] Excuse me. [leaves]

Connie:
"Fire truck"?

Lupo:
My guess, all the firemen rode her.

Fire Chief:
There's only one person responsible for Spence's death, and that's the owner of the auto parts business. He illegally subdivided his offices.

McCoy:
And he's up next after we're done with Toshack.

Fire Chief:
If you're still in office by then. You actually think you can get elected without the support of the firefighters?

McCoy:
I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Fire Chief:
I'll pretend you did.

Connie:
[to Teale] You're an infant. You think your life sucks now, Mr. Teale? Just wait and see where you wake up tomorrow. And unlike your sister's condition, this will be a nightmare of your own making.

Patrolman:
[about three homeless murder victims] They could be hobos. There's a freight line right over there.

Bernard:
"Hobos"? What's this, 1933?

Bailiff:
Docket no. 36533, People vs. Jonah Applebaum, three counts of murder in the second degree.

Judge Margel:
Plea?

Norr:
Your Honor, we're going to need a 730 exam.

Jonah:
I wanna plead not guilty.

Judge Margel:
I believe that may be what your attorney has in mind, sir.

Jonah:
No, not not guilty on account of I'm crazy, not guilty on account of I didn't do it.

Judge Margel:
Let's just call it not guilty and split hairs later.

Cutter:
Jonah Applebaum is the Boxcar Basher?

McCoy:
You just put an insane serial killer back on the street.

Connie:
He doesn't know that we know that. We... we can still pick him up.

McCoy:
You damn well better. This could be Willie Horton all over again.

Cutter:
Willie Horton? You're not worried about the election, are you?

McCoy:
I'm worried about everything. About him killing someone else. About the way this office is run. A serial killer in our hands and then released. Am I being too picky?

[Cutter bends legal ethics to forcibly medicate Jonah so his testimony will be admissible]

Cutter:
Because of what I did, a sick man is getting medication he needs.

McCoy:
But that's not why you did it; you did it for your case.

Cutter:
[shrugs] Win-win.

Amato:
I did a job for Halliwell, and then I decided to stay in town and enjoy the sights.

Connie:
The sights? From where, Zagat's Guide to S&M Dungeons?

McCoy:
Seems like every day we hear about another corrupt civil servant. Corrupt banker, businessman, athlete. Seems like behind success story of the last 10 years, a scandal is exploding. We're facing a rising sea of corruption, and we wonder, who will be the next to be drowned? Who will be saved? And what will become of our good works? When will it stop, Donald, and who will stop it?

Gov. Shalvoy:
If you expect me to implicate Rita and jeopardize my family...

McCoy:
Your family? They're campaign props you used to get elected. They mean as much to you as balloons and bumper stickers. Your whoring proves it!

Gov. Shalvoy:
Be careful, Jack. I'll attribute that to the stress of your campaign. I know you're in a dead heat with Joe Chappell. I also know a few things about Joe, maybe could swing them numbers your way.

McCoy:
You're trying to buy me off?

Gov. Shalvoy:
You're worried about your good works, Jack. How are you going to safeguard them if you're not in the game anymore?

McCoy:
[raises a glass before the election] May we live to fight another day.

Connie:
Hear, hear.