Law & Order, Season 5

[Briscoe and Logan are arresting a suspect.]

Secretary:
Excuse me?

Briscoe:
[continues past her] Don't mention it.

McCoy:
Haas tells one patient she's got a cure, it's a little white lie. She tells 2 patients, it's unforgivable. She tells 3 patients, she's a murderer. She tells 4 patients, she's a damn murderer, and it's all admissible!

Briscoe:
Hey, if I open an account over there, I get free checking and a toaster.

Logan:
A 2-slice or a 4-slice?

Briscoe:
4-slice. And if I deposit 50 grand, I get a VCR.

Logan:
Hey, if you deposit 50 grand, I'm calling Internal Affairs

Kincaid:
Sandra Dobson died on the operating table.

McCoy:
And...?

Kincaid:
They got the bullet. It doesn't match Dobson's gun.

[she is about to leave, when...]

McCoy:
Claire? Amend the indictment. Murder-2.

McCoy:
If you're gonna play stickball in Canarsie, learn Brooklyn rules!

Samuels:
[about the deceased] He had a lot of energy. I, on the other hand, have a wife.

Briscoe:
My condolences.

Schiff:
What is the matter with this girl?

Kincaid:
She's obviously in love, desperately.

McCoy:
As much as she is in denial.

Kincaid:
Can you blame her? Every aspect of her life was controlled by her mother, almost to the point of cruelty. Martell was her window to the outside world.

McCoy:
Not to mention that sleeping with him was a wonderful way of saying "Happy Mother's Day".

Schiff:
You spend years trying to protect your children, and then someone like Martell comes along.

McCoy:
He didn't just come along. He was invited in.

Briscoe:
What was the FBI doing in 1971?

Logan:
I dunno, buying feather boas for J. Edgar Hoover?

McCoy:
[about Forrest] She'll be in prison until 2003. The 60s should be over by then.

Lt. Van Buren:
I heard Zach Roland cut a deal.

McCoy:
Lieutenant, it's 9:00, I'm in a bar, I've got a glass of 8-year-old Scotch in front of me, I don't want to talk business.

Lt. Van Buren:
Tell me something counselor, were you born a wise-ass or did it just come with the job?

McCoy:
I'm a pussycat. You should've seen my old man.

Lt. Van Buren:
Your old man?

McCoy:
He was a cop. You knew that. If it had been him who was unlucky enough to be in front of that ATM instead of you there probably would have been 2 dead kids lying on the sidewalk.

Lt. Van Buren:
And you would have dragged him in front of the grand jury.

McCoy:
Damn right. I would have gotten an indictment, too. [looks at Van Buren and they laugh]

[The husband of a woman accused of killing their children is standing by her]

Schiff:
Nice to meet a man who says "'Til death do us part" and means it.

McCoy:
If those were my children, I'd want that woman in prison.

Schiff:
With a 50 percent chance that she's innocent? I wouldn't tell that to the next Mrs. McCoy.

Kincaid:
She's asked that her sentence to be delayed until she gave birth. She said she didn't want her child to be born in prison.

McCoy:
Probably the safest place for the child.

Schiff:
By the time she gets out of prison, the kid should be able to defend itself.

[A councilman is accused of extorting sex from a female employee]

Mr. Talbert:
Not only was it consensual, it wasn't very good.

McCoy:
[disgusted] You're a piece of work, Mr. Talbert.

McCoy:
Give me the keys to your house, or I'll charge you with murder. I'm the D.A. I can do it. Give me $10,000, or I'll tell the Feds about that shipment of heroin I saw you pick up at J.F.K. I'm the D.A. They'll listen. What would you do? I can tell you what I'll be doing for the next 10 years or so: I'll be in Attica, because what I did is called extortion, and it's a felony. Sleep with me, or I'll tell your boss that you're under indictment for fraud. It's not true... but do you really think you'll be working next week? Sarah Maslin worked. For 8 years, she was the best, the most productive associate in her firm. She had clearly earned a partnership. But the only way that she could get it was to have sex with a man who had the power to make or break her career. Sarah Maslin laid down on that couch for Mr. Talbert. But can any of us say that she really had a choice?

Briscoe:
Dead people - they're full of surprises.

[an elderly witness has called the police department]

Lt. Van Buren:
Any one of you have a girlfriend in a nursing home?

Logan:
That would be Lennie.

Schiff:
What is this, Bernie's Bargain Basement? "Cop to 4 murders, get only 5 years".

McCoy:
When I made the deal, I had no idea.

Schiff:
You had no idea because your blood was rushing downstream to somewhere south of the border.

McCoy:
Justice is a by-product of winning.

Lawyer:
Well, I trust you're here to apologize, Lieutenant.

Lt. Van Buren:
I do my repenting on Sunday.

McCoy:
Well-meaning people can disagree, especially about the most socially devisive issue to face our country this century. Drew Seeley has an opinion about abortion. He thinks that his opinion entitles him to kill people. Here's what he did. He hunted down a woman named Eileen Reid, he gave Randall Jenkins a gun and told him to shoot Eileen Reid. And he did. Drew Seeley is a self-appointed executioner. If you let him go, you better just pray that one day, someone like him doesn't find some fault with you.

[Seeley approaches the jury and speaks to an African-American juror]

Seeley:
150 years ago, you weren't considered a person. Or you. Or you. A man named John Brown thought that was wrong so he took violent action to liberate black American slaves. Well, he was caught and brought to trial and hanged because slavery was legal and the law said that slaves were not people deserving of protection. But you know what? John Brown was right. And the law was wrong. Now John Brown is considered a hero. Today, abortion is legal but I tell you, that law is wrong. Like John Brown, I follow a higher law. I ask you to do the same.

McCoy:
[to Seeley] You can't point a gun at another human being, even an abortionist, and pull the trigger because, in your soul, you know it's wrong.

McCoy:
You don't protect the weak, you manipulate the weak and get them to kill people for you.

Logan:
Any chance you like any of the men you work with?

Female stockbroker:
Give me a break, Detective. There's only 2 kinds of men that work on Wall Street. Standard and poor. [gives Logan a speculative look] But I hear that peace officers are a whole different story.

[Stockbroker enters limo. Briscoe and Logan look at each other.]

Briscoe:
[grins] You got your yardstick handy?

Logan:
Oh, I got my tape measure.

[Talking about the suspect]

Logan:
It's weird. The guy's got more money than God, but he lives worse than I do.

Lt. Van Buren:
Howard Hughes never clipped his toenails. Got any homicides we can pin on him?

[After finding a ticket on their car]

Logan:
[snatches ticket from the windshield] Aww, what is this? They got no respect anymore, these meter maids.

Logan:
Well, you got your $2,000 suits and you got your hotshot degrees but, from where I'm standing, you're no better than some punk who robs a 7-11 store and blows away the cashier to cover his tracks.

Greer:
I graduated summa cum laude from Harvard, magna from Stanford Business. I have 17 traders working for me, and I booked almost a billion dollars in trades over the last 2 years. Not only am I better than your punk at the 7-11, I'm a hell of a lot better than you, Detective Logan.

[Talking about amateur porn movies]

Logan:
Hey. How'd you like to be in one of these movies?

Briscoe:
You kidding me? I don't even like to look at my own X-Rays.

[Speaking to an editor at The Swinger's Guide]

Editor:
Rape isn't part of the swinging lifestyle. The pleasure comes from an open and willing sharing.

Briscoe:
Ah, but whatever happened to romance?

Editor:
Our readers are interested in exploring another side of their sexual selves.

Logan:
Yeah. The side marked "this end up."

[Briscoe is reading a copy of The Swinger's Guide]

Logan:
What're you looking for, a date?

Briscoe:
[reading] "Open-minded MBBF seeks mature man."

Logan:
[looking puzzled] What's that? Male bisexual bondage freak?

Briscoe:
I'm more in the mood for a BLT.

[Kincaid finds McCoy in a bar to discuss the case against Kyle and Shane]

McCoy:
Rule #1: Never drink at work. Rule #2: Never discuss work while drinking.

Kincaid:
They've overturned the verdicts and remanded for a new trial. Evidence of the Mack Rangers is excluded.

McCoy:
Rule #3: If rule #2 is broken, never drink alone. [hands Kincaid a drink]

Logan:
The nuns at my school were less sanctimonious than that guy.

Briscoe:
The nuns at your school never went to medical school. You know those MD plates gets you a better parking spot in heaven.

Briscoe:
[to Logan] You know, if I didn't already know you didn't have kids, I'd know you don't have kids.

[Speaking of artificial insemination]

Beth:
It's the best relationship I ever had with a man.

Briscoe:
I thought it was supposed to be anonymous.

Beth:
That's exactly my point.

[Leaving the home of a pregnant lesbian couple]

Logan:
Brother. And I thought I had it bad being brought up by 2 alcoholics.

Briscoe:
I wonder which mommy's gonna teach him how to smoke and drink.

Logan:
And shave.

Briscoe:
Well, it's the '90s. Everybody's allowed to be gross and disgusting, not just you.

Logan:
Well, all I know is I had one mommy, and she did enough ball-breaking for one lifetime.

[Discussing the chairman of the board of a prestigious private school]

McCoy:
Not coincidentally, he's the one who assured us of the school's full cooperation.

Kincaid:
Instead, the school circled the limos to keep the Barclay name out of it.

Schiff:
I'm shocked.

McCoy:
This isn't stink bombs in the boy's room, Adam. They hindered prosecution of an A felony.

Schiff:
Now I'm very shocked.

[In interrogation with Mr. Barclay and his son.]

Mr. Barclay:
I guarantee you, it was Harrigan that put him up to it. He and his father, they're all alike, with their Irish temper, they lose control, and the next thing you know, you have a murder--

McCoy:
Oh, so Harrigan did it because he's a Mick? Detective Logan is a Mick. I'm a Mick, sir. And if you don't shut up, I'll lose control and throw you out of the room!

[McCoy has gathered the suspect's friends at the police station]

McCoy:
I'm Jack McCoy. I'm the Assistant District Attorney for New York County. You are invited here to talk to me about the murder of William Harrigan. And make no mistake: you will talk to me. You're going to tell me every thing you know about Stuart Barclay and Colin Harrigan's roles in that killing. If you don't, if you lie, I'll add a new word to your vocabulary: conspiracy, to commit murder. You could serve as many years as you have candles on your birthday cake. Who wants to speak first?

Boy:
You don't scare me. You can't lay a hand on us.

McCoy:
I don't see anyone here to stop them. [Police Officers] This isn't a music video, son, this is reality. A man is dead, and our patience is wearing thin.

McCoy:
It's over, Scott. Even your father realizes it. I've got you for conspiracy, and if I eat my Wheaties I can get you for second degree murder, and I won't care that you didn't actually pull the trigger.

McCoy:
I'm sorry about the cross-examination, detective, I just had to rule Palley out as a suspect.

Briscoe:
Hey, no problem. They pay me plenty to look like an idiot.

[After visiting a series of disgruntled exes who've had dealings with a high-powered divorce lawyer]

Logan:
You know, the more I talk to these guys, it reminds me why I stay single.

Briscoe:
You mean it's not just the quality time you get to spend with yourself?

[After Logan has complained to Van Buren about the number of suspects, and Briscoe comes in with a lead on a suspect.]

Logan:
Wow. That's almost a clue.

Lt. Van Buren:
And it beats heavy lifting.

Briscoe:
What?

Logan:
It's Anita's sense of humor.

Lt. Van Buren:
Lieutenant Anita to you.

McCoy:
If you kick a dog enough he'll stop barking. He might even do tricks for you. But I don't know anyone who would call it humane.

McCoy:
He knew the therapy wasn't working, and instead of admitting he was wrong, he just turned up the voltage.

Vilardi:
Mr. McCoy. You're making them close the clinic. What about David? I can't take care of him. Can he go home with you now? I didn't think so.

Lt. Van Buren:
[about child molesters] There's people like him in every neighborhood. It could be the Little League coach, your kid's favorite teacher... It's too bad they don't glow in the dark.

McCoy:
Your client is facing 19 counts of aggravated sex abuse. [to Krolinsky] Add them together, they'll be growing tomatoes on Mars by the time you get out.

Krolinsky:
For God's sake, Mr. McCoy, I have a family.

McCoy:
I feel sorry for them.

Krolinsky:
Look, I wanna get help. I'm a sick man, I-

McCoy:
You're an adult! Your victims were children. There isn't anything you could say that would make me feel sorry for you.

[Logan confronts Krolinsky]

Logan:
We called you Father! How could you do that to us? You even did it to your own kid. How could you do that?

Briscoe:
My second wife always wanted a walk-in closet. Now I have one - trouble is, I live in it.

Schiff:
Nice, now you're saying the father didn't kill her. You oughtta take this roller coaster to Coney Island.

Briscoe:
My respect for Durban is growing by the hour.

Logan:
Yeah, he's so smart he's dead.

[Powell cross-examines Logan]

Powell:
Detective, are you familiar with a term police use to describe a murder in the gay community even before they know all the facts of the case?

[Logan says nothing]

Powell:
Come now, don't cause me the embarrassment of having to call up witnesses who've heard you say it.

Logan:
[reluctantly] It's called 'homo-cide'.

McCoy:
2 in 5 Americans think homosexuality is a sin.

Schiff:
Don't worry about 2 in 5. Worry about one in 12.

Dobson:
I don't need you to tell me I'm a son-of-a-bitch. I've been one a long time. I like it. The hours are good, and there's no heavy lifting. But I happen to be a son-of-a-bitch whose wife was shot by some other son-of-a-bitch!

Joey:
[to Briscoe, after Logan knocks on the interrogation window] Who's that, your boss?

Briscoe:
Yeah. [to the window] Hi, President Clinton.

Hoeck:
See these bloodstains here? That's type AB negative.

Briscoe:
Oh good. I got dibs on his liver.

Logan:
Nice lady, this Mrs. Blanchard. She was hosting cocktail parties while her daughter was living on the dole.

Briscoe:
Right, she should have let the kid shoot the family fortune into her arm.

Logan:
You'd throw your daughter out on the street?

Briscoe:
My daughter could go through my fortune in about a day and a half.

McCoy:
God calls you to organize murders. God calls you to take credit for murders. But God never calls on you to pull the trigger?

Seeley:
Each of us has a role.

McCoy:
You can't do it, can you? You can't bring yourself to shoot someone, even though you think God is telling you to do it, you can't do it.

Seeley:
I put the gun in Randall's hand! I told him where to point it!

McCoy:
You can't point a gun at another human being, even an abortion doctor, and pull the trigger, because in your soul, you know it's wrong!!

Seeley:
God says it's right!

McCoy:
You don't believe that!

Seeley:
I believe in the Lord, my God...!

McCoy:
Your defense is a lie!

Seeley:
No! What is a lie is the arrogant belief that what you're doing here furthers justice!

McCoy:
Answer my question, Mr. Seeley! You are unable to shoot doctors yourself, because in your soul, you know it's wrong.

Dr. Moran:
[during her testimony] I was, in effect, committing murder.

McCoy:
In effect?

Dr. Moran:
I was committing murder.

McCoy:
Fine. Would you please stand up?[the doctor stands up] Officer, arrest this woman.

Judge Scarletti:
Mr. McCoy!

McCoy:
We've just heard a confession of murder, Your Honor. Officer?

Judge Scarletti:
I'm not amused, Mr. McCoy!

McCoy:
How many counts of murder shall we charge you with, Dr. Moran?

Judge Scarletti:
MR. MCCOY! May I remind you that abortion is legal?

McCoy:
[triumphantly] Thank you, your honor!

Schiff:
Palley's girlfriend is married?

Kincaid:
The police didn't tell us.

Schiff:
Don't you work here too?

McCoy:
If I were Palley, I'd want to give the jury an alternate theory of the crime.

Kincaid:
Blame the husband, blame the Mafia, blame the bogeyman.

Schiff:
Sometimes the bogeyman is guilty.

Schiff:
Maybe Mr. Krolinsky's been behaving himself all these years.

McCoy:
He just hasn't been caught. I've prosecuted pedophiles before, Adam. They defy rehabilitation.

Schiff:
Even golfers retire.

Crime scene tech:
[while going through a dumpster for evidence] Last time we sifted a dumpster, the investigating officer got in there himself.

Briscoe:
That's fascinating. I think you missed a spot over there.

Denise:
I grew up in a two-room apartment. My mother sent me and my sisters to school with mashed potato sandwiches for lunch. I pulled myself above that. No one helped me. Not Danny. People thought he was charming. When he took that $15,000 from me, it was not charming.