Law & Order: UK, Series 1

DS Matt Devlin:
He knows what he's doing. We're not just pretty faces, you know.

CPS Director George Castle:
Well done James, a good result. Go home, have a drink; it's over.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
For us maybe.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
This is why the rest of Ridley's chambers call him "Limbo", because there's nothing he won't stoop to.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
He can't even look after a goldfish

DS Matt Devlin:
I fed it just like you sad. The fish was ailing before I went anywhere near it!

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Tell that to my daughter!

DS Matt Devlin:
The old needle/haystack interface

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Look on the bright side, son, you might end up with a yummy mummy!

DI Natalie Chandler:
he's already working for one!

DS Ronnie Brooks:
What about an ID of the person who left it?

DS Matt Devlin:
Chinese guy dumped it around one. Asian bird at around half twelve. She was a fat black woman. It was a thin white guy. Take your pick.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
God bless the Great British public(!)

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Do you recognise him, love?

Woman:
I was too busy working last night, trying to keep warm

DS Matt Devlin:
Go on. Have a think [tries to turn on the charm] I bet nothing gets past you...

Woman:
Do women ever fall for that? [Matt grins]

DS Ronnie Brooks:
If the street's the alternative, makes you wonder what they're running away from.

DS Matt Devlin:
Look at his body language. I mean he's sitting on his hands! It's classic! He's hiding something

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Matt, what are you going to charge him with? Bad posture?

DS Ronnie Brooks:
[looking at a messy table full of file and paperwork] This is what I always worried the inside of my head looked like.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
She's not saying he's insane. She's running non-insane automatism, an involuntary act committed while not conscious of actions taken. Most of Jono's blood relatives are in prison. Her defence is that Jono is genetically predisposed to violent behaviour.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
[scoffs] Oh, she can't run that. It's outrageous. We'd have every criminal in the country making the same case. What's she playing at?

CPS Director George Castle:
"Don't blame me, blame my genes." It's bold, I'll give her that. But let's not panic. No sane judge would let that get beyond a hearing. So, who did we draw?

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
Uh, Judge DeMarco.

CPS Director George Castle:
Oh God, let's panic.

DS Matt Devlin:
[after a victim is discovered with his genitals out of his trousers] You don't really call it a ninky nonk do you?

DI Natalie Chandler:
You should hear what I call you.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Maybe when we get it forensicated-

DS Matt Devlin & DI Natalie Chandler:
[As Ronnie grins] Forensicated isn't a word.

Forensic Medical Examiner Teddy:
...traces of assorted human detritus - mostly exfoliated skin and the parasites that feed on it. Stuff you'd fine in your mattress

DS Matt Devlin:
Not in my mattress [Alesha laughs, Ronnie recoils]

Luke Slade:
This city was built on corpses. Why does this one matter so much?

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
They ALL matter!

DS Matt Devlin:
Dad was born 1939, Upton Park, East 50

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Ah, so his dad got him into the Hammers

DI Natalie Chandler:
Sorry?

DS Matt Devlin:
West Ham. Commonly known as the Hammers 'cos they keep getting hammered...

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Watch it, Sunshine!

Waiter:
I'm sorry Sir, the club room is only open to members.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
I am a member, James Steel.

Waiter:
I do apologise sir, but you'll be aware of our rules governing...

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
Blacks?

Waiter:
Girls.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
I think you mean women.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
[about a gynecologist who sexually abuses and rapes his patients] He'll do it again. He won't stop and what if he goes further next time?

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
Alesha...

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
What if he already has?

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
If noone speaks out...

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
James, I spoke out!

DS Matt Devlin:
I thought... I thought you'd understand as a woman. I thought...

DI Natalie Chandler:
As a woman I'd like to cut off his dick with a rusty hacksaw and ram it down his throat!

DS Matt Devlin:
You speak French?

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Well, what'd you think I am, some sort of Neanderthal?

DS Matt Devlin:
You might have said something before. I made a tit of myself.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Where's the fun in that?

CSI Joy Ackroyd:
Frenzied attack, judging by the splatter patterns.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
You love saying 'splatter patterns', don't you?

[Running joke regarding the victim being discovered with his genitals outside of his trousers]

DS Ronnie Brooks:
So is this still an HQ for Toms?

CSI Joy Ackroyd:
Yeah. Might explain why his John Thomas is hanging out. Blowus interruptus, if you ask me.

[later]

DI Natalie Chandler:
So why's he got his ninky nonk out when they find him?

DS Matt Devlin:
[stifling a laugh] You don't really call it a 'ninky nonk'?

DI Natalie Chandler:
Should hear what I call you.

[later]

DS Matt Devlin:
What, you took a lipstick trace off his...

Forensic Medical Examiner Teddy:
Wangdoodle. Oh, yeah.

DS Matt Devlin:
Bloke was murdered under the bridge last night. You hear anything about that?

Street prostitute:
Bit buff for a cop, you are, aren't you?

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Do you mind, love? His head's big enough already without you adding to it.

DS Matt Devlin:
I became a 'tec for the glamour. What happens? Spend most of my nights trolling through paperwork with you.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Yeah? Well, you can bet your life Frank McCallum did exactly the same when he was on the job. Just remember why you're doing this, Matt.

DS Matt Devlin:
Kids and paint. My idea of hell.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
You know me, Mattie. I believe everything everyone tells me, and I'm disappointed on a daily basis.