Letterkenny, Season 2

Wayne:
I can see the muscle shirt came today. Muscles coming tomorrow?

Daryl:
You get a tracking number?

Wayne:
Boy, I hope you got a tracking number.

Daryl:
That package is going to be smaller than the one you're currently sporting.

Wayne:
Tall order, Dary.

[At the Agricultural Hall, McMurray motions to move excess coat hangers from the rear hall to the front hall].

Wayne:
'kay.

McMurray:
Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, look at me, Wayne, Wayne. There is a tried, tested, and true system at work here, and as President of the Agricultural Hall, I must demand it be respected. One member makes a motion. Then another member seconds that motion.

Wayne:
Second, 'kay.

McMurray:
"Kay" is not a second.

Wayne:
Well, it's the second time I said, 'kay.

McMurray:
So you second my motion?

Wayne:
You wanna know what, I'm all out of seconds, bud.

McMurray:
So it's not a second.

Wayne:
Well, this is taking too many seconds is what I'm saying.

McMurray:
Well, you only have to second once.

Wayne:
All right, give me a second.

McMurray:
So are you saying that you second or you need a second?

Wayne:
Well, one second.

McMurray:
All right, Wayne you shall be given one second.

(everyone pauses while Wayne looks away)

McMurray:
While Wayne is taking a second....

Wayne:
I second the fucking motion, McMurray, now move the fucking coat hangers!

Stewart:
I hear McMurray has commissioned Devon, et al to make a video for his campaign. I suggest you follow suit.

Wayne:
What sort of video?

Stewart:
A spectacle! Pure adrenaline! Babylonian!

Wayne:
You're spare parts, bud.

Wayne:
Run along Stewart, before I get tired of behaving.

(Stewart flees)

Wayne:
Well, she's back to chorin'.

Squirrelly Dan:
Well, nots to be impolites, but this gal suggested that maybe I should have some attentions paids to my butts hole. That ever happen to you guys, you ever had a gal suggest you need some attention paid to your butts hole?

Daryl and Wayne turn away from Squirrrelly Dan and ignore him while tossing the ball only to each other.

Squirrelly Dan:
I'll take that as a hard no, I guess? She put a couple of fingers up there, and it turns you got - uh - an erogenous zone - up there.....Found the - uh - the hot button and - um - gaves it a tickle.....and, uh.....(increasingly high-pitched) yeah - feels, uh.

Squirrelly Dan:
(defiantly) It feels pretty good, you guys, okay?

Daryl, to Wayne:
Pop fly! (throws ball)

Squirrelly Dan:
I really liked it! It felt - it felt very natural.

Wayne, to Daryl:
Nice! (throws ball back).

Squirrelly Dan:
They call it 'milking the prostate'.

Wayne, later:
Well, it's impolite to kiss and tell.

Daryl:
Maybe they tranq'd the ostrich.

Squirrelly Dan:
Like they roofied the ostrich?

Wayne:
You wanna know what? You should feel bad for even suggesting the Ginger and Boots fucked an ostrich. Bad gas travels real fast in a small town. My research concludes that the only way the Ginger and Boots could have fucked an ostrich is if it was a dead ostrich.

Glen (riding past on a bicycle):
A dead ostrich??? I thought it was just sick, oh my!

Glen makes a phone call and can be heard saying, "Ginny? The Ginger and Boots effed a dead ostrich!

Wayne:
Oh, bother.

Daryl:
I found an eyelash, make a wish.

Wayne:
Wish you weren't so fuckin' awkward, bud.

Katy and Wayne are discussing an amount of money they will invest into the Letterkenny community.

Katy:
Well, how do you want to fuck this pig?

Wayne:
Better put it on your fuckin' Facebook.

Katy:
Pitter patter.

Wayne:
Let's get at 'er.

Daryl and Squirrelly Dan are discussing a business venture that will, amongst other things, 'condemn homosexuals'.

Katy:
What do you have against homosexuals?

Squirrelly Dan:
Me? Nothing. LQBT is all rights with me.

Katy:
Daryl?

Daryl:
Uh. Nothin'.

Katy:
So why do you want to condemn them?

Wayne:
Yeah?

Squirrelly Dan:
We seens it on the TV shows.

Wayne and Katy:
We know.

Daryl:
We actually seens it on two TV shows.

Wayne and Katy:
We know.

Squirrelly Dan:
One was the TV show we seens it on, and then the other was a news program about what we seens on the TV show.

Wayne and Katy:
We know.

Squirrelly Dan:
But those guys were popular, and they looks like they were having lots of funs, so we just figured if we did whats they did....

Daryl:
...then we'd have lots of fun too.

Coach:
Reilly. Jonesy. You guys been gettin' a lot of ice time?

Reilly:
Well, actually…

Coach:
I'm just kiddin', I don't give a fuck. I stepped down from your old junior team. Turns out the senior team needed a new bench boss. Real work to be done here. Real men. Turns out you guys have been havin' a bit of a cake walk up here, huh? Is that right, Reilly? Eh, a little angel cake? A little angel food cake with a top glaze? Huh? Have your mom mix up the egg whites and the vanilla? Huh? Have your mom cut it with a knife or a small spatula through the batter releasing air bubbles and bake? Light as air? Huh? Virtually fat-free? Fuck you, pheasant!

Jonesy:
Come on, man.

Coach:
Oh, Jonesy's got something to say. What kind of cake are you walkin', huh? A little Lady Baltimore? Huh? A little date and walnut loaf? A little Napoleonshatte?

Reilly:
Coach, it's not that we're...

Coach:
Cake walk's over, all right, Johnny Cheechoo and Chuck Huddy? Gonna have the boys tossing up sueys up the middle all night, just tossing up hot suey sauce? You know why? 'Cause you've been skipped leg day! You think you can skirt legs and crack the Czech Extraliga? Huh? You couldn't even crack the HockeyAllsvenska, let alone the Deutsche Eishockey Liga! Fuck! You plugs are gonna learn some jam. It is fuckin' embarrassing!

Wayne:
All's I'm saying is that it's a little bit hypocritical for us to be mad at degens from up country for not respecting our St. Patrick's Day party when we, ourselves, are not respecting St. Patrick. I'm just saying if somebody's got their fucking day, give them their fucking day.

Katy:
You aren't even religious.

Wayne:
Who's got that kind of money?

Wayne:
You wanna know what, so long as everyone's having a good time, ain't no reason to be a poopy-pants.

McMurray:
Everyone is not having a good time.

Wayne:
Well, so long as most people are having a good time, ain't no reason to be a poopy-pants.

McMurray:
Most people are not having a good time.

Wayne:
Is anyone having a good time?

McMurray:
No.

Wayne:
Then I shall be a poopy-pants.