Leverage, Season 2

Hardison:
Yeah, you know, I'm sure the reviews will be... (Sophie hands Hardison her phone) …on the news website already.

Parker:
(grabs the phone) Really? Wow. "Never before has a production of 'The Sound Of Music' made me root for the Nazis."

Eliot:
You quit drinking?

Nate:
Yep.

Eliot:
You quit drinking.

Nate:
Sure did.

Eliot:
You quit drinking? How'd you know about this place then?

Nate:
I rent a condo upstairs.

Eliot:
You rent a condo above the bar?

Nate:
That's right.

Eliot:
Well, that's very…Catholic.

Sophie:
No. No, no, no. Stop it. There is nothing you can say that's gonna make me feel better.

Parker:
I know what could make you feel better. We should steal something.

Nate:
No, no.

Sophie:
Yes! We could do it together.

Eliot:
I like this. Get right back up on the bike.

Parker:
Bike of crime.

Nate:
Didn't you earlier tell me how great your new lives were?

Parker:
I stole the Hope Diamond.

Nate:
What?

Parker:
And then I put it back. Yeah. Because I was bored. Didn't care.

Hardison:
I spent three days hacking White House e-mail. No buzz.

Sophie:
See?

Hardison:
But we are doing some hinky stuff in Pakistan. Hinky.

Sophie:
Look, I'm miserable, they're miserable. [to Eliot] Okay, what-what have you been doing the last six months?

Eliot:
…I was in Pakistan.

Hardison:
You see what you did? You took the world's best criminals, hitter, [Eliot points] hacker, grifter, [Sophie raises her hand] thief, [Parker raises her hand] you took us and you broke us.

Nate:
No, no, I…what I did, I taught you how to help people. That's, that's all.

Parker:
Exactly.

Sophie:
Yeah

Eliot:
This is the problem, though, with being the good guy. You…you…it gets under your skin.

Sophie:
Look, Nate. You have to some poor little lost soul somewhere that needs a little extra-legal aid.

Nate:
Look, we all…we agreed that we would just move on.

Sophie:
Yeah, but…we're…we're thieves.

[Parker walks out of Nate's kitchen dressed as a nun]

Eliot:
She's dressed that way 'cause she's doing a con.

Nate:
What, you thought she was dressed like a nun for no reason?

Eliot:
It's Parker.

Nate:
Eh, fair enough.

Nate:
Okay, I want you out of my house. Out. I'm getting cleaned up. I'm going upstairs. I want all this stuff out of here. I want you guys out of here. I'm not a part of this.

Sophie:
Okay.

Nate:
Not a part of this. This is you guys.

Sophie:
We got it.

Nate:
If you want to do this thing, you're on your own.

'Eliot:
Fine.

Nate:
Understood?

Sophie:
Uh-huh.

(Nate walks away)

Sophie:
(to Eliot) So, you going?

Eliot:
I'm not going anywhere. The man has 700 sports channels.

Hardison:
I did look for you. For six months.

Parker:
Done. The key. Done.

(Hardison opens the kit and pulls out the finished master key, using it on the box Parker is picking)

Parker:
I think people are like locks. Really complicated and frustrating. But you can't force them. You have to take time and be fiddly.

Hardison:
Fiddly?

Parker:
You learn to be patient, and just wait until you hear the... (the lock opens and the door swings wide)

Parker:
We could open every box in here with that key.

Hardison:
Focus.

Parker:
We could steal everything. Clean them out.

Hardison:
Focus.

Parker:
I'm just saying.

Hardison:
I'm just saying.

Nate:
Now, this is not gone. This is more.

Hardison:
Yeah, I, uh, I scanned the documents in Leary's box, but I wanted to print out a few pages.

Nate:
I asked—I asked Eliot to get rid of this stuff. Now there's more stuff.

Hardison:
Did you? Oh, we-we crossed, but didn't see each other. He didn't tell me.

Nate:
Oh, that's how you're gonna play this?

Sophie:
Wait, so if these are supposed to be just fake businesses, how come their financials are so squeaky clean?

Nate:
Because they're fake businesses. I mean, come on, it's right there. I mean, I'm just saying.

(they all look at each other)

Nate:
What? Sophie, how, how do you catch mob guys?

Sophie:
Uhh, two glasses of Chianti and a story about my grandmom in Sicily.

Nate:
How does the government catch mob guys?

Sophie, Eliot, & Hardison:
Taxes.

Hardison:
That's how they got Capone.

Sophie:
That's how they get everybody. Yeah, they never get you for the crime; they always get you for the taxes. It's not really fair.

Eliot:
That's why the businesses are clean; they're dirty from the inside.

Nate:
Well, yeah, I mean, if you have a body in the trunk of your car, you're gonna drive under the speed limit, aren't you?

Parker:
You know, when you're sober, your metaphors get creepier.

Nate:
I mean, it's perfect. You know, I don't even think it's illegal. I mean, if we were gonna do this, this job—

Sophie:
Just this one job.

Nate:
Yes, just this one.

Sophie:
Yeah.

Nate:
I mean, the con that you'd want to do...

Hardison:
Hypothetically.

Nate:
...hypothetically, you know, is, the turnabout, of course.

Sophie:
Oh, that is a good one.

Eliot:
You know, it takes… five people to do the turnabout.

Sophie:
That's true.

Parker:
Hmm.

Sophie:
There's just the four of us.

Parker:
Need one more person.

Nate:
We've got to scare the banker into turning against the mob. All right. All right, we'll do this job. Just this one.

Sophie:
Oh, well.

Hardison:
If you really want.

Sophie:
If you insist.

Parker:
Great.

Sophie:
We're on board.

Nate:
Now, if you'll excuse me, I am gonna go call a professional killer who tried to murder me, and arrange to meet him in an isolated location.

Eliot:
This detonator. If I'm around the corner, is this going to be in range?

Hardison:
Should be. I haven't worked out all the kinks yet. Sometimes the thing just goes off.

Eliot:
Whoa, whoa, wait! Hey! I thought you said this thing was safe!

Hardison:
Mostly, mostly safe. I was very specific. Sometimes the frequencies get messed up.

Eliot:
What frequencies, man, huh? I got these things in my pants.

Hardison:
Like a, you know, a garage door opener, car alarm.

[Nearby a car alarm goes off, causing Eliot to flinch]

Parker:
What are the odds that Eliot's crotch will actually explode?

Eliot:
Dammit, Hardison!

Zoe:
There are wolves in the world. That's what Dad says. "Be careful, Zoe. There are wolves in the world."

Nate:
He was not wrong.

Zoe:
Yeah?

(Zoe walks over to her father and touches his hair)

Zoe:
So the world's just like this, huh? Bad people do bad things and they always get away with it. Nobody stops them.

[After the con takes a bad turn]

Parker:
Oh! They're probably gonna shoot Nate in the face!

Nate:
Parker, I can hear you.

Parker:
Sorry. Forgot about the... (Points to earbud)

Leary:
Oh, come on. These guys are the past. What do you think these guys clear in a year? Stealing cigarettes, selling drugs, a couple hundred thousand, all in?

(Eliot is hiding behind some crates and a bunch of mobsters come up behind him)

Leary:
And for that, the government hunts them down like dogs. People like me, we took billions from the banks. Billions. And what did the government do when they finally caught us? They wrote us a giant check and begged us to make it all better.

(After Sophie Shot Eliot while in character)

Nate:
So, how did you do it?

Eliot:
Detonator, (holds up remote, reaches into his shirt and pulls out ketchup wrapper) ketchup.

Nate:
Ah, the classics.

Sophie:
Oh, I love a good death scene!

Leary:
I was tricked. I was tricked! It wasn't—It wasn't me, you understand!

Lt. Bonanno:
Somebody tricked you into bringing a briefcase full of evidence of your own crime straight to the police? [Laughs] Come on, Mr. Leary. Nobody's that smart.

Zoe:
Thank you. There are wolves in the world. [Looks at the team] But sometimes they're the good guys I guess.

Sophie:
Still your last job?

Nate:
Well, maybe…

Sophie:
Yeah?

Nate:
I mean, you know, until I find a job I like enough, you know, to stay out of the bars.

Hardison:
Idle hands are the devil's workshop.

Nate:
And then I'm out. I'm done.

Parker:
Sure.

Eliot:
Yeah. 'Cause you're not a thief.

Sophie:
I'm starving.

Parker:
Ooh! Found these in the mini-bar.

Sophie:
Pork rinds? How do you peel a pig?

[Sophie posing as a producer meets with the guy they're trying to hook]

Jed Rucker:
What event are you here to produce?

[Sophie hesitates, Hardison hurriedly looks up local events, speaking in her earpiece]

Hardison:
On it. Tractor pull in Grand Island…a livestock show in Council Bluffs…white people doing other white people things…

[After they've been found out by their mark]

Hardison:
Look, you know what I can do? I can re-task a satellite. I can get a level-three NSA clearance. But I can't hack a hick.

Sophie:
You don't have to do this, you know. Nate's gonna come up with something.

Eliot:
I'm losing a fight, Sophie, I'm not diving on a grenade. I'll be all right.

Sophie:
Yeah, I know, I'm not talking physically.

Eliot:
I think my ego can handle it.

Sophie:
Look, you told me it's about control, about knowing that you're never going to be the victim. And that's what keeps you going, right?

Eliot:
You think I'm upset because I gotta let this guy kick my ass? I learned a long time ago that you can't control the violence. I can take the pain—that's what I do. What I need to control is not out there. [Puts his hand over his heart] It's in here. Always.

[During the fight with Eliot and Tank]

Sophie:
Get the doctor, Parker, now.

Rucker:
No need, it'll be over in a couple of minutes.

Sophie:
You don't get it, do you? Eliot's not like other fighters! He doesn't play games! He fights to survive, that's his training. It takes all his control not to kill somebody! You've just made him more dangerous; you've taken the safety off the gun!

Nate:
I'm thinking!

Parker:
Nate, hate to rush you, but Eddie goes to the prison in an hour, so…

Parker:
So what do we do now?

Nate:
Well, I just sent Eddie to the hospital. So let's go steal us a hospital.

Parker:
So let me get this straight. You're a doctor.

Nate:
Yeah.

Parker:
What if someone asks you to deliver a baby?

Nate:
I'd say I'm not an obstetrician.

Parker:
What, a what?

Nate:
A baby doctor.

Parker:
Well, what if there's a train accident and there's stretchers everywhere and someone points to you and says "Hey you! Help me with this sucking chest wound!"

Nate:
I'd stick my hand in the chest and, y'know, hope for the best.

Parker:
Oh, you are so not operating on me.

[As Parker and Nathan watch on a computer monitor, the team's mark develops a spontaneous nosebleed]

Parker:
Did you just give a guy a nosebleed with the power of your mind?

Parker:
Is it just me, or has Nate gotten even more sadistic since he quit drinking?

Sophie:
Is it just me, [grins] or does that make him even more attractive?

Hardison:
Looks like an ordinary cell phone, right? It's not, man. It's a metal detector. See, it uses pulse-induction technology that sends out a current that generates a magnetic field, and then…are you even listening?

Eliot:
Yeah.

Hardison:
Well, what'd I say?

Eliot:
You were explaining how you're still a virgin?

Nate:
There are three general exceptions for house arrest: personal safety, death of a relative, and family events.

Eliot:
Personal safety. We could burn the apartment down.

Parker:
[excitedly raises her hand] Ooh! Ooh!

Widmark Fowler:
I want someone to like me. Does that get easier when you're a grown-up?

Sophie:
[long pause] Um, no, I don't think it does.

Widmark:
You're nice. But weird.

Nate:
Listen, we still got to get Fowler out of the apartment so that we can get in.

Parker:
Except now when he leaves, there'll be someone waiting to kill him.

Hardison:
Man, one of his victims wants payback more than he wants to be paid…back.

[As they hear Widmark singing]

Sophie:
'The play's the thing wherein I'll catch the conscience of a king.'

Nate:
Ah. Sophie, how long will it take you to stage a musical?

Sophie:
Six weeks.

Nate:
You have two days.

[After hearing Judy Kim sing]

Sophie:
Did—did…Did you just make that up on the spot?

Kim:
Yes, ma'am.

Sophie:
Huh. You really are quite relentless.

Kim:
Thank you, ma'am.

Nate:
Yeah, Sophie's gonna be doing this one.

Eliot:
What?

Nate:
Yeah.

Sophie:
Yeah. I'm gonna be Nate on this one. Only, you know, nicer.

[Behind her, Nate makes a face]

Parker:
But if you're gonna be Nate, who's gonna be you?

Sophie:
You.

Parker:
Me?

Eliot:
I don't mean to obsess about the last time Sophie ran a con, but, I'm sorry, where we had to blow up the offices!

Sophie:
Really, 'cause I don't remember that.

Hardison:
I do.

[Sophie has taken the lead on the job, and is explaining it to the team with her usual flair]

Sophie:
…and then to protect themselves, they issue an apology to Mr. Pennington, and then they throw Monica Hunter into the jaws of the very media machine that she bent to her own malicious will.

Parker:
Wow. I gotta say, Sophie's briefings are much more dramatic.

Eliot:
And poetic.

Parker:
We totally went to the moon.

Eliot:
Movie sets. I've seen them, they're outside of Albuquerque.

Parker:
Why would there still be sets there?

Eliot:
Because they're gonna reuse them for the Mars mission, repaint them all red.

Sophie:
She has to have corroboration from her own sources, she has to craft the narrative. Monica Hunter has to be the author of her own personal nightmare!

[Nate looks at her in disbelief, then turns to Eliot]

Nate:
Do I sound that creepy when I—

Eliot:
Hell. Yes.

[After seeing Monica beginning to lose it]

Sophie:
Now that's what I call control.

Nate:
Yeah, we might have, uh, pushed too hard.

Sophie:
Please.

......

[After Monica drags Hardison with her to go to a military base for footage]

Parker:
Too much.

Eliot:
Little bit.

[Hardison is being held at an army base after their mark goes a little too far]

Hardison:
[over comms] Get me out of here!

Sophie:
Yeah, I—I'm working on it!

Parker:
On it! [gets ready to leave]

Sophie:
No, no, no, no! You cannot go. You're dead. Monica Hunter sees you and the whole con is blown.

Parker:
Right.

Hardison:
Damn the con! I am a black man caught on an Army base with a video camera! I am going to jail forever!

Hardison:
Eliot, give me everything you can on a Lt. Abbot. Just, just do what I taught you.

Eliot:
Now the http thing comes before the www, right?

Hardison:
Eliot!

Eliot:
And which one's the forward slash?

Sophie:
Come on.

Hardison:
It ain't the time, Eliot. It ain't—it ain't the time.

Eliot:
You see, it's not that much fun when you're hanging out there in the wind and there's a dude behind a laptop cracking jokes, is there?

Parker:
I like it when we switch jobs. It's exciting.

[As she's being arrested and carried away]

Monica:
I'M MONICA FRICKIN' HUNTER!!!!

Parker:
Loch Ness monster?

Hardison:
Loch Ness submarine.

Parker:
NO!

Eliot:
Yeah, those waters are cold and deep. It's the perfect place to test.

Parker:
Area 51.

Eliot:
True.

Hardison:
False. [Looks at Eliot] False.

Eliot:
It's true.

Hardison:
No, she said Area 51.

Eliot:
I'm sorry. False. Area 52.

Hardison:
Been there.

Sophie:
I'm a grifter, for better or worse.

Eliot:
[over comm] Hardison, we got a problem.

Hardison:
What kind of problem?

Eliot:
They're MRI-ing my pizza and their stance says ex-CIA.

Hardison:
You can tell somebody worked for the CIA just from how they stand?

Eliot:
It's a very distinctive stance!

Homeless guy:
Remember when I said you had pretty hair? I was lying.

Parker:
Yeah? Well, so was I when I said you didn't…wait, dammit.

Nate:
So 'pizza delivery guy' was your big plan.

Hardison:
You know what, man, it was recon, okay? Information gathering has historically been a very safe and peaceful business. And it was a food company. It wasn't like it was making weapons.

Nate:
Listen, I worked insurance for companies like this. Anyone who gets their hands on the company’s food patents could cost them billions. And by the way, they guard that stuff better than defense contractors.

[During the pre-con briefing]

Hardison:
This is the vice president of the frozen foods division, Erik Casten. Erik with a K, Casten with a C.

Nate:
And how is that relevant?

Parker:
Oh. Eric with a C? Nice and friendly. Erik with a K? Evil.

Sophie:
I didn't know that.

Parker:
Everybody knows that.

Nate:
That's our way in. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's it. That's it. The state of the company meeting, here we go.

Eliot:
What is that? I don't know what that is.

Parker:
Me neither.

Hardison:
It's like State of the Union?

Sophie:
What is that?

Nate:
Oh, right, right. You guys never had real jobs.

[After Eliot tells the team that he was once claustrophobic]

Parker:
Really? How'd you get over it?

Eliot:
I locked myself in a woodshed behind my house for a couple of nights. After that, I was fine.

Parker:
That is so funny. I was scared of the dark and did exactly the same thing.

[Flashback:
A young Parker pulls the trunk of a chest closed over herself as other kids are burying her under dirt]

Eliot:
That's not the same thing. What's wrong with you?

[Hardison shows off his hacking skills using a cell phone]

Parker:
You picked his pockets without stealing anything. Cool.

Hardison:
It's what I do. A man, a phone, no limits.

Eliot:
A man, a phone, no action. Come on, man, you left that out there like a hanging curveball!

Eliot:
How long is this gonna take?

Hardison:
As long as it has to take. You know, I was just pulled up to the ceiling of an elevator by my pants, so do not take that tone with me!

[last lines:
after the job, Eliot and Sophie talk about Nate]

Eliot:
He's fine. We practically had to beg him to come back, all right? He's not drinking, he's at the top of his game. I gotta be honest with you, I can't even believe we pulled this one off.

Sophie:
Well, that's the problem. He keeps winning. Every time he wins, he believes a little bit more that he can control…life.

Eliot:
It's what gets him through the day.

Sophie:
What happens when he loses? Last time he lost, it broke him. He breaks again, I don't think even we could pick up the pieces.

[The team is trying to deal with a bomb sent to Sophie]

Parker:
Is that C4?

Sophie:
Ohh, Parker! Please don't poke at the motion-sensitive bomb.

[At Sophie's "funeral"]

Eliot:
See any suspects?

Nate:
No one jumps out at me.

Eliot:
Me neither. What makes you so sure they're gonna show up?

Nate:
Listen, when you go through the trouble of killing someone the likes of Sophie Devereaux, you make sure they're dead.

Sophie:
Not much of a turnout, is there?

Nate:
You're dead. You're not supposed to care.

[After meeting Marcus Starke]

Nate:
Friend of yours?

Sophie:
Well, if by that you mean murderous, treacherous, backstabber, then yes.

Nate:
Thought so. Seems like your type.

[Parker is staring intently at Sophie]

Sophie:
Stop it.

Parker:
It's like you're haunting us.

Sophie:
Parker, I'm not really dead. [Parker reaches to check her pulse] I'm not dead!

[As Sophie is telling the crew about her time with Marcus]

Sophie:
Nate, remember? Remember that great run in Moscow?

Nate:
That great run? I chased you for three months.

Sophie:
Well, uh, technically, you chased us. Sorry.

Hardison:
Are you saying that…you saw other teams before us?

Parker:
So really he was just another Nate, before Nate.

Eliot:
[To Nate] Let me ask you a question. What bugs you more, is it the fact that he was with Sophie first or that he outsmarted you?

[beat]

Nate:
Moving on.

Sophie:
Those were some nice things you said at my funeral.

Hardison:
We trust Nate to make sure the plan works. We trust you to make sure we're all okay.

Nate:
If you know about us, then you would know to get out of my city.

Marcus:
It's still your city, Nate. I…I'm just gonna take her out for one night of cheap fun. I'll get her back to you in the morning.

[Hardison and Cha0s jump out of their vans and stare each other down a la High Noon]

Hardison:
Cha0s. I heard you were in jail. Guess I was wrong.

Colin "Cha0s" Mason:
Hardison. I heard you sucked. Guess I was right.

Hardison:
You were scared to fight a girl.

Eliot:
She'd mop the floor with you, Hardison.

Hardison:
I don't care.

Eliot:
Seriously, she actually killed a guy once with a mop. It's a funny story, actually. She broke the mop and took…

Nate:
We know their strengths, we know their weaknesses—

Hardison:
No, no, no, I have noted a distinct lack of weaknesses!

Mikel Diane:
I can top that. [Shows a scar on her shoulder] Frag grenade, Somalia.

Eliot:
[Rolls up his sleeve] Myanmar. Sniper.

Mikel:
I was a sniper in Myanmar for awhile.

Eliot:
[Nervously] When?

Mikel:
2003.

Sophie:
You're the closest thing I've ever had to a real friend and, and…I've never heard you say my real name. How sad is that?

Nate:
So tell me.

Sophie:
Let me… Let me finish burying Sophie first. Finish burying the rest of them…until all that's left is me. Just me.

Sophie:
Go to Nate's storage cupboard. You're gonna find a sexy little mini-dress and my emergency Jimmy Choos.

Parker:
Jimmy who? You have a body in Nate's closet?

Sophie:
Shoes, Parker!

Hardison:
The Iceman cometh.

Nate:
All right, nice work guys. Tomorrow when he [Kerrity] shows up with the diamonds, state police will be there.

Eliot:
Why, so they can arrest Hardison's ego?

Hardison:
Be cool, baby. Ice cool.

Nate:
You guys break into the vault before Hardison does so the Russians think he's doing it.

Parker:
Why not? He's been taking credit for my work all day anyway.

Eliot:
I had court-side seats! Tell Hardison when this is over I'm gonna break his friggin' arm!

Nate:
[to Hardison over the comm] Eliot says 'Hi'.

Parker:
There's no way Hardison's gonna be able to break into that vault.

Hardison:
What is Hardison gonna do?

Nate:
Hardison's gonna pretend to break into the vault.

Eliot:
Yeah, well, hopefully the Russians will only pretend to kill him!

[Eliot is posing as store security, Hardison is posing as a British thief hired by Russians, who are watching them from outside]

Eliot:
[as Hardison pretends to punch him to the floor] Next time, I play the thief.

Hardison:
I'd like to hear you do an accent.

Eliot:
[irritated, as he takes another punch] I'd like to hear you do an accent!

Tara Carlisle:
I checked you out, Mr. Ford. Half my sources say you're a vicious thief. The other half claim you're some sort of high-tech vigilante.

Nate:
I like that. I should put that on my card.

Tara:
There's a process to get Ruth Walton justice. It's called the probate court.

Nate:
Right, the probate court, where Ruth will walk in with a sad story and no executed will? Yeah, let me know how that goes for you.

Tara:
Either I'm in, or Ruth is out. It's your choice. [Leaves]

Nate:
They're gonna hate this.

[Later]

Eliot:
I hate this.

Hardison:
You do not let Vicki Vale into the Batcave! Ever!

Hardison:
She checks out. Civil rights lawyer. Does a lot of pro bono work. Collects lost causes like kittens.

Eliot:
Well, she's honest.

Hardison:
Crusader. Incorruptible…

[Tara steps out of the car and waves at them]

Hardison:
…And one sexy librarian.

Hardison:
Man, I hope you got a plan "B" or "F" or something in the first half of the alphabet.

Orson:
Blanchert said to keep it to ourselves because the mob was involved. That's all I know, I swear. I don't want to die in a prison riot. Please, call off your dogs!

Guard:
Sorry, P.J. Time's up.

Nate:
Right, so Blanchard paid the mob $50,000 to kill someone named George Gilbert for Kimball. This should be an interesting meeting.

Tara:
What dog? Do I have dogs?

Tara:
You can't pretend to be a lawyer in a courtroom.

Nate:
Well, stick around. I'm about to practice medicine too.

[After finding out who Tara really is]

Hardison:
So you help out by lying to us?

Tara Cole:
I wanted to see just how good you really are, and show you just how good I am. You could consider it my audition.

Parker:
I bet you're not even a lawyer.

Tara:
Aw, Sophie was right. You are adorable.

Sophie:
Look, we didn't get along when we first started. And Eliot, how long did it take before you trusted me? Hmm? Eliot, you do trust me, don't you?

Eliot:
That's not the point, Sophie.

Sophie:
The last time one of you tried to grift, you wound up kidnapped by Russians.

Eliot:
That's this brother right here.

Parker:
Hardison.

Hardison:
Uh, we, we still can't let that go?

Sophie:
Listen to me. Tara Cole is the best. I wouldn't have sent her if I didn't trust her, and I know you're going to love her. So just…just give her a chance.

Eliot:
She is hot.

Hardison:
She's very hot.

Parker:
Hot.

[everybody looks at Parker]

Parker:
Warm? Cold? Why are we staring?

[laying out the first part of the con]

Nate:
We need a Caprina. [walks away]

Tara:
W-what is that…So he just says things and walks away?

Parker:
Yeah, you're gonna have to get used to that.

Tara:
OK, she's on the hook.

Nate:
Great. Let's go steal a fashion show.

Tara:
"Steal a fashion-" Does he always talk like that?

Eliot:
You're on comms.

Nate:
You do know I can hear you.

Eliot:
What?

Hardison:
Is that…Is that mascara? Dude, you got on guy-liner, man. And the leather pants, what the—

Eliot:
This is, listen, this is fashion-y.

Hardison:
If you're Steven Seagal.

[Tara chuckles. Annoyed, Eliot tears the scarf off and walks away]

Eliot:
Don't. Don't!

Hardison:
Not everybody can rock the scarf.

Tara:
I was gonna say Steven Tyler, but Seagal works. [Chuckles again]

Tara:
Nate Ford is arrogant, he's condescending, he just doesn't listen.

Sophie:
Nate's having trouble communicating? I'm shocked.

Sophie:
Just give it some time, Tara. You owe me.

Tara:
All right, fine. But if he pulls this whole man-of-mystery crap again, I'm gonna kick his ass. And the whole "I'm sexy because I'm broken" thing only goes so far.

Sophie:
I know, right—Wait, what?

Tara:
I got to go.

Sophie:
What do you mean, sexy? [Cut off]

Eliot:
[slapping hands together] How am I supposed to find soy candles on such a short notice?

Parker:
[punctuating each word with a point] Farmers. Market.

[After Tara and Eliot finish off the last of the Triad thugs]

Tara:
Admit it, you kind of like me now.

Tara:
And for what it's worth, Sophie was right. You guys are the best I've ever seen.

Nate:
I know.

Tara:
But no one in this world is as good as you think you are.

Mark Doyle:
Is that Mistress Corra McRory?

Corra McRory:
I don't believe we've met, Mr.?

Mark:
Mark Doyle. This is Liam. This is Liam's brother.

Parker:
Why don't we just send her to the police? I mean, I don't use them, but this is what they're for, right?

Parker:
What kind of crook was your dad?

Hardison:
Parker, you just…

Nate:
He ran numbers.

Eliot:
Let me get this straight. So, you—you stop stealing, you stop drinking, and you moved upstairs from a thief bar?

Parker:
He did. I-I get that. You don't get that? Why does nobody else get that?

Tara:
What are we supposed to do, steal the wake?

Nate:
Whoa, have some respect. Borrow the wake, to save the bar.

[After Hardison fakes a weather report wearing some borrowed clothes]

Nate:
Is that my jacket?

Hardison:
You know what, man? You're lucky I'm not wearing your underwear. And the next time y'all call me, it better be for something easy. Like faking a moon landing.

Hardison:
Whoa! Yeah, baby! Yeah! That's what I'm talking about right there! Yeah!

Tara:
Okay, I didn't realize you were quite that into basketball.

Hardison:
Ba—Basketball? Woman, we just pulled off 'the Wire' in the time it takes to get a pizza delivered. This is a big win. Big. They gonna talk about this one.

Hardison:
Using the Liams' cell phone, able to map the GPS fingerprints of their recent calls and analyze their patterns and movements throughout the city—

Eliot:
Led us to a warehouse. We're in it now.

Hardison:
Wai— I-I'm sorry? Led you—Led you to the warehouse? I had two cell phones in two minutes. Do you know who else can do what I do? CIA, MI6, and me.

Nate:
I want him walking out of here with nothing.

Tara:
You do realize this is insane?

Nate:
Wow, you didn't say impossible. You're, uh…You're softening.

Tara:
She warned me you were a drunk.

Nate:
Yeah, well it's different than before. Before I used to think I was okay when I was drunk.

Tara:
And now?

Nate:
Now…[pours another glass]…I know I'm not okay.

[Sterling walks into McRory's Bar and comes up behind Eliot]

Nate:
Eliot, I'm gonna ask you not to do anything violent.

Eliot:
What... what are you talking about? I only use violence as a, as a, as an appropriate response.

Sterling:
Hello, Nate.

[Eliot stands up, spins around, clocks Sterling with a right hook to the jaw, and starts kicking his ass around the bar; Hardison bribes the bartender not to call the police, and Parker grins]

Tara:
And this is…?

Nate:
James Sterling. We used to work together. Insurance.

Tara:
He seems to rub Eliot the wrong way.

Nate:
You think?

Parker:
Maggie's the most honest person we know, but besides that, she's okay.

Parker:
[to Maggie] It's your first time being a fugitive so I made you a bag.

Maggie:
Thank you, Parker. [to Nate] It's not that I don't appreciate getting out of jail. I just can't live my life a fugitive!

Nate:
But you're not a fugitive.

Parker:
Passports, money, lock-picks…

Nate:
You were released, not broken out.

Parker:
Toothpaste, explosives. Do not mix these up.

Maggie:
Thank you, Parker. But you released me to run. I'm not going anywhere until my name is cleared.

Nate:
Right, right, and that's what I'm here to do! To get the egg back and clear your name!

Maggie:
But you're clearing my name with thieves! No offense, Parker.

Parker:
[confused] At what?

Sterling:
[To Nate] Crime suits you. You're becoming a much better liar.

[Hardison suggests a vacation to Parker]

Hardison:
Two weeks in Tokyo. We'd have a great time.

Parker:
What are we stealing?

Hardison:
We don't steal anything. We'd be tourists.

Parker:
Not following you.

[later on]

Parker:
So, I took your advice and did the whole touristy thing. Went to the museum, and it was amazing.

Hardison:
You see?

Parker:
Yeah. They have a Guardian T-840 Security System. I've only seen those things in books. And the motion detectors—ooh, gorgeous! Six digital receptors. Six!

Hardison:
What about the paintings?

Parker:
What about the paintings?

Tara:
I got this one.

Eliot:
Really? What're gonna say to him? 'Cause we got no cover story. We've got no background on this cat.

Tara:
Okay. That's it then. I won't say anything. Really. Not one word. Just, when he turns around and looks at you, do that thing with your eyes that scares people.

Eliot:
What? I don't know what you're talking about—

Tara:
[Smiling] Oh, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Tara:
What we imagine is always so much better than the reality.

Eliot:
Like love?

Sophie:
[via vid-cam] The Marketplace is a one-time event. Crops up in a city after an important piece has been stolen. You should have seen Stockholm after the Rembrandt heist. Parking was a bloody nightmare.

Nate:
I was lying to you for your own good.

Maggie:
Quick little hint for your next marriage. That excuse does not fly with any woman on Earth.

[As Alexander in puking in the garbage]

Parker:
Don't worry. First bomb's always the hardest.

[After Eliot explains how he beat Sam's double-cross.]

Eliot:
Its 101, man. After that, you don't have to be rocket scientist to figure it out.

Maggie:
[Impressed] You know, people underestimate you, Eliot.

Nate:
That's kind of the point.

[After hearing that Sterling was invited to join Interpol for 'recovering' the egg]

Parker:
Interpol? Seriously?!

Hardison:
Sterling's career gets another boost off of our hard work.

Tara:
We didn't even get paid.

Hardison:
Nope.

Tara:
I hate this guy.

[Eliot clicks her glass bottle with his]

Eliot:
Now you're part of the team.

Nate:
I'm sorry I lied to you. Maggie.

Maggie:
So am I.

Nate:
This isn't what I want to do.

Maggie:
Oh, now that's the lie.

Maggie:
There's Irish whiskey in that coffee, isn't there?

Nate:
Yeah. Little bit. Sorry.

Maggie:
It's not the liquor that worries me. It's the fact that you're hiding it in your coffee cup. Nate…I meant what I said before. I really like the man that you've become. Too bad you don't.

[After Rand performs a cold read on Parker, forcing her to run away]

Tara:
Damn.

Hardison:
Damn.

Tara:
He is good.

Hardison:
He should be shot.

Tara:
So what do we do now?

Parker:
Cut off his arms. And his head. Yeah. I wanna kill him. Can we make that happen?

Eliot:
Yeah, I can…I mean, I could…

Nate:
Or we could give him exactly what he wants…and then make the world think that he's the greatest psychic that ever lived, and then in front of the network and his audience, we destroy him.

Eliot:
How do we do that?

Nate:
We go and steal the future.

Rand:
You want to know what the trick is? It's confidence. You believe what they're saying and they'll believe it too. Doesn't matter how many misses, 'cause it's the hits that they'll remember.

Parker:
So what? Kusen has a secret and he's gonna kill Rand so he doesn't reveal it? That'd be good.

Eliot:
No, you wanna kill someone, you don't get out and throw them in a van. You don't get out of your seat.

Nate:
All right, Kusen needs Rand for his psychic abilities. That's why he's being so secretive around his wife.

Parker:
So let me get this straight. We did such a good job of convincing Rand was really a psychic that we got him kidnapped.

Nate:
Which means we have to find him, rescue him, and then, you know, take him down.

Hardison:
We need more boxes.

Parker:
And a lot of luck.

Eliot:
Yeah, well, I think we used up all our luck on finding this place.

Hardison:
Wha—Hold, hold, hold on, man. You know what? It ain't luck, okay. Finding the perfect place to end a treasure hunt is a testimony to my intellectual prowess.

[Eliot drops a box on his foot]

Hardison:
Ow!

Eliot:
What? It's baby clothes.

Hardison:
It says 'books', man!

Eliot:
[grinning] Does it?

[As Kusen and Rand are being arrested]

Tara:
They do make a cute pair, don't they?

Nate:
Let's see, we got, we got assault, kidnapping, and burglary for our friend, Kusen. Garden-variety fraud for our psychic friend, Dalton Rand. Any way we can get them in the same prison?

Hardison:
That could be arranged.

Tara:
So all the people who thought he could talk to their loved ones on the other side, what's to stop them from falling for the next Dalton Rand?

Nate:
Not a thing. [Walks away]

Tara:
Then why do it?

[Later, at McCory's bar]

Jodie McManus:
There was a part of me that knew it wasn't real, but I didn't care. I just…missed Mike so much, I wanted to see him again so bad.

Nate:
You will see him again. Maybe it'll be a look. [gazes at her pregnant belly] Maybe it'll be a gesture. Maybe it'll be the way he spreads peanut butter on a slice of bread. But when you see it, you'll know, and you'll say 'that's Mike'. And you know what, that's a miracle that no one could ever sell you.

Jodie:
Thank you, Mr. Ford.

[After she and her brother get up and leave the table]

Tara:
And now I see why you do it.

Hardison:
"He who sells miracles will have the Devil knocking at his door."

Parker:
What is that, a proverb?

Hardison:
Fortune cookie.

Parker:
Wha…?[Parker looks at him in disbelief]

Hardison:
What? It started with "He who."

. . .

[later, after the con is finished]

Parker:
He who looks for hidden money shall find it. If he is also a thief.

Nate:
Mrs. Bonanno. I'm, um, Nate Ford. I just heard—

Wendy Bonanno:
I already gave my statement.

Nate:
No, I'm not a policeman. Um, I'm in the private sector. Your husband and I are colleagues.

Wendy:
I appreciate you coming down here, but it's not—Nate Ford? He talked about you.

Nate:
He did?

Wendy:
He said you helped him with some cases and he wanted to buy you a drink…and then arrest you.

Nate:
How does business work with you, Mr. Culpepper? Frankly?

Mayor Brad Culpepper III:
Well, frankly, those who are with me from the beginning, they are at the front of the line. Those who are with me after the election, they're in the back of the line. And those who are against me…they are ground to dust.

Tara:
I don't know. Culpepper doesn't strike me as the type to order a hit. Especially on something like a graft case. What's the big deal, you know? You get caught, you go on a two-day with your wife, you cry, you get re-elected.

Parker:
Yes, it's the American way.

Tara:
Exactly.

[Nate shares his idea for the con]

Hardison:
Baseball?

Nate:
Yeah, we're gonna steal this ballpark. [pause] And then the team. Not necessarily in that order.

[After the sloppy theft of their 'plans']

Tara:
Worse thief ever.

Nate:
Amateurs

Nate:
All right. Good news, bad news.

Tara:
Good news?

Nate:
The mayor's hooked. We're in the pinch.

Tara:
Bad news?

Nate:
I think we lost Eliot till the playoffs.

Eliot:
I left early, man. Huh? Bottom of the ninth.

Hardison:
Excuse you, rudeness. I'm explaining the con. It's very complicated.

Eliot:
Really? The mayor gives us a check and we deposit it in some company you connected back to him and it looks like he's embezzling from his campaign funds. [Give him a fake gasp and then turns to Nate] Bottom of the ninth, man. I had to walk off a single, man. Crowd goes nuts.

Hardison:
That's—that not all there is, okay? We got—there's—there's the Bonnano thing. We got—

Eliot:
What? We give Bonnano's notes to the newspaper, man. [to Nate again] They named a sandwich after me at T.J. Philbman's.

Tara:
Ah.

Parker:
Ooh

Eliot:
Huh?

Hardison:
I give it to you, man. A sandwich is pretty cool.

[As Hardison is remote-controlling his van to its destruction]

Hardison:
I have always been and forever shall be your friend.

[When Special Agent Amy Nevins realizes she's been tricked]

Agent Alex:
Isn't that your car?

Agent Nevins:
Shut up.

[last lines:
after the team escapes the FBI, a familiar face appears]

Sterling:
James Sterling. Interpol. Just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?

Culpepper:
Sterling?

Sterling:
Yes, like the machine gun, not the engine.

Sterling:
During the course of my first investigation with Interpol, the city of Belbridge drifted into my vision. Your little operation came up. Imagine my surprise and delight when [shows her a photo] I saw Nathan Ford in the FBI case files.

Agent Nevins:
Nathan? No. His name's Lionel Git.

Sterling:
That's adorable

Nate:
You want to walk away? Walk away.

Eliot:
I'm not walking away.

Nate:
Walk away.

Eliot:
That's not my job. My job is to get your back, and Nate, I'm gonna do it, all the way down. But I need you to do your job.

Nate:
And what's that?

Parker:
Be Nathan Ford. Be the person we came back for.

Nate:
Tony Kadjic's the one who pulled the trigger. I want to know exactly what he's up to and where he is.

Hardison:
And how do you propose we do that?

Nate:
Let's go steal a mayor.

[Sterling enters the room to check on the mayor and comes out in an instant]

Sterling:
Name's Bob, right?

Agent Bob:
Yes, sir.

Sterling:
You've been here the whole time, Bob?

Agent Bob:
Yes, sir.

Sterling:
And nobody's gone in or out of here, Bob?

Agent Bob:
No, sir.

Sterling:
Then would you mind explaining…WHERE THE HELL THE MAYOR IS!?!?

Parker:
This is hopeless. And it smells.

Eliot:
How many ships left on the list?

Parker:
Eight hundred.

Eliot:
Sweet.

Parker:
Yeah.

[Both approach Tara]

Tara:
This is hopeless.

Parker:
And it smells.

Tara:
Yes! Like old clown shoes.

Parker:
Rotting despair.

Nate:
[Over the phone] Listen, I don't know who I am anymore, Sophie, and uh... You know when I was chasing you and everything, and when we were doing cons, I knew what I was, but not anymore. As crazy as this sounds, I-I need you to tell me, tell me when I'm going too far. I mean, it just-- It gets out of control and I just don't know who I am and... and you've always been...my compass, and...you know, I care about you more than you'll ever know because I lo-- I lo-- I lo-- I...

[As Parker is holding Tara off the side of a building]

Tara:
You're really strong.

Parker:
Yeah. I hang from buildings by my fingertips.

Tara:
It's not what you think. I was setting up a meeting.

Parker:
Actually, that was exactly what I was thinking. Bye now.

Culpepper:
[On the phone with Kadjic] They killed my FBI handlers. They murdered them! And they cut them into pieces, and put them in a bathtub. Into a hotel bathtub!

Tony Kadjic:
[To Nate] Is this true?

Nate:
To be fair, [nods at Eliot] he did most of the cutting.

Eliot:
Thank you, I appreciate it.

Nate:
You work hard.

Tara:
You know, you actually had me worried for a second, that you were gonna drop me.

Parker:
[Gives a fake laugh] That is silly.

Nate:
Sophie. You came back.

Sophie:
Well...you needed me.

Tara:
I hate to cut goodbyes short, but they're playing my song.

Eliot:
Keep out of trouble.

Hardison:
Or if you want to get in trouble again...

[After Nate surrenders himself and kisses Sophie]

Sophie:
You call me, you tell me you need me, so you can do this? [Slaps him]

[Last lines of the season]

Agent Bob:
Who the hell is this guy?

Sterling:
I don't know.

Nate:
My name's Nate Ford…and I am a thief.