Lexx, Season 3

790:
Bring me to my beloved Xev! Bring. Me. To. Xev.

Prince:
Who is Xev?

790:
My beloved, darling Xev - the greatest woman who ever lived and I demand that you wake her up at once!

Prince:
Who else is on board, exactly?

790:
A security guard called Stanley Tweedle who is of no use and no importance in any situation at any time! And a dead assassin named Kai. Bring me to her at once or -

Prince:
Or what?

790:
...I'll wake her up myself. I would have woken her up along time ago if the control unit had heard me from down there, where I was stuck!

Prince:
So she's the important one...

790:
[his voice softens] Without a doubt.

Prince:
Good.

790:
So are you going to bring me to her?

Prince:
No. [tosses 790 into the depths of the Lexx]

Stan:
[waking up after 4000 years of sleep] Ouh... I feel really stiff for some reason... wait a second, are we somewhere?

Prince:
Yes...

Stan:
[disorientated Oh yeah! Where?

Prince:
....Somewhere.

Stan:
This is the Lexx!

Prince:
[looks around] This comet?

Stan:
Comet? No no! This is what we're on, this is the Lexx... It's big err... a big...

Prince:
Bug.

Stan:
Um... Lexx?

Lexx:
...Yes?

Stan:
Tell 'em.... um... tell them, that you're not unfriendly in any way. That you're just a big bug... that.. t-that wants to eat, right?

Lexx:
I am not unfriendly in any way. I am just a big bug that wants to eat, right?

[Prince's guards hold Stan up against the cryochamber by his neck.]

Stan:
That hurts!

Prince:
Does it?

Stan:
Yes!

Prince:
I'm very good... with pain.

Stan:
Why are doing this to me?

Prince:
Fun.

Stan:
Just let's not forget, now we are in the Dark Zone! This is the universe of evil, of chaos, of depravity! I mean, so what do we do now, eh?!

Xev:
I suppose we find ourselves a new home?

Stan:
Yep, which then gets destroyed like every other place we've ever been.

Stan:
Kai! You know about the Dark Zone, I mean where are the good planets?

Kai:
Define good planet.

Stan:
Well, for me - it would be one you'd feel confortable living on! Tingle me, jingle me! Get hunk and do it, y'know, kinda planet, you understand what I mean!

Kai:
No.

Stan:
Why don't you just go ahead and eat?

Lexx:
There is nothing to eat around here.

Stan:
Well, go somewhere where there is food!

Lexx:
I cannot go... anywhere.

Stan:
How can he be so stupid?!

790:
Easily and always, he is stupid. And you are captain of the stupid.

790:
I will love you until my last electron.

Kai:
We can drift until we are drawn into the solar system of a celestial object.

Stan:
So how long is it gonna take us to reach one of those if we just... drift?

790:
Somewhere between nine hundred standard years and sixteen thousand standard years.

Xev:
So what do we eat in the meantime?

Xev:
[as she is about to go into cryostatis] Kai! Is it okay if I dream about you?

Kai:
You will not dream.

Xev:
Well, if I did dream... I would like to dream about you.

Kai:
If you like.

Xev:
I do like. Goodnight Kai.

Stan:
And then... then, you unfroze me. Seems like it all just happened... I guess you have no sense of time when you're in cryosleep. Well, that's everything, that's it. We're just travellers, we're just passing through. And look, I know that the ship looks big, and looks scary n' all, but I mean it's just a big bug! It couldn't hurt a fly...so it's no threat to you, or to anybody! See? So, I'll just go and wake up the others and we'll just continue on our way.

Prince:
What about the man in black?

Stan:
Oh! He's dead. See, we're just hanging onto him until we can finally land on a planet and bury him, y'know, it's a custom we observe with our dead. Actually, he's kinda alive dead.

Prince:
Alive dead?

Stan:
Yeah, yeah he can actually walk around a little bit. Y'know, we should go wake him up so that I could show ya! You'd find it really interesting.

Prince:
What about the woman?

Stan:
Oh... Don't worry about her, oh she's just a nurse or something... Y'know, I'm not even sure what it is she actually does do. But she's definitely not important.

Prince:
She's not important?

Stan:
No, not important. Not in any way, shape or form.

Prince:
[enraged] YOU ARE NOT IMPORTANT!

[Kai repairs the broken 790 and switches him online]

790:
...I will love you forever.

Kai:
You do not love me, 790, you love Xev.

790:
Who's Xev?

Kai:
She is a beautiful love slave.

790:
Who cares about a stupid love slave?! YOU are the man of my dreams...

790:
Please, Kai! Think of me! Think of our future together!

Kai:
When we pass between the two planets, I can drop down to one or the other. I have no way of knowing which one they are on. I'll have to make a random choice.

790:
CHOOSE ME! CHOOSE THE ROBOT HEAD!

790:
You may be dead! But our love will ALWAYS be alive!

Kai:
You play beautifully.

May:
Music dulls the pain.

Kai:
The dead cannot be killed.

May:
Fire is the other planet up there, our enemies. And now that you've pointed us out to them, they're coming down to kill us.

Kai:
I am already dead, and I will protect you.

Man:
You're playing with me.

Kai:
Not yet, but I suspect I will be soon.

Guard:
Are you human...?

Kai:
I was.

790:
[to Zev] Be gone! FOWL THING!

Xev:
What's wrong with you?!

790:
What's wrong with me is what is right with me... I am madly, insanely, injealously in perfect love!

Xev:
I know that, but why are you acting this way?

[790 says sweet things to Kai as he passes]

Stan:
Well, that's a switch.

Kai:
790 fell off the bridge, he was damaged. I reassembled him.

790:
I am damaged by love...

Kai:
I was the first he laid eyes on, after he reset.

790:
You are the first and only, you drop dead gorgeous drop of man!

Xev:
But 790, don't you remember me?

790:
SLUT GERMS! SLUT GERMS!

Xev:
It's not my day with men, I guess.

790:
It's MY day....With MY man...

Kai:
[checking on May] She's dead.

Stan:
No no, you can't know that.

Kai:
I am good at determining the state of death. It was a required function for assassins of the Divine Order.

790:
I'll die if you leave me!

Kai:
Then we will have something in common. And I will return, 790.

Stan:
It was just a dream and anything that happened in that dream wasn't real, I mean anything that Prince said wasn't real, anything that I agreed to wasn't real, so I don't have to pay any attention to it, do I?

Stan:
Can I ask you a question? It's only a hypothetical one. Okay, look, I was just wondering... Suppose someone cared about somebody else, y'know, really, really cared and that someone else was in trouble. BAD trouble, and it were meant that they were gonna have to be killed. And the only way to stop them from being killed was to kill somebody else, or some other people. Do you think it'd be wrong to do that?

Kai:
How many other people would he have to kill?

Stan:
Oh, a few... a relatively large few... sort of.

790:
I care about Mr Deatholicious.

Xev:
But Kai's a guy, and you're a guy too.

790:
I'm NOT a guy.

Stan:
No, he's a homo-robot head.

790:
I am NOT.

Stan:
Then what are ya?

790:
I am a robot head in love with a dead man.

[On Gametown, the Lexx's weapon charge soars across the sky brightly.]

Fifi:
What is that?

Kai:
The end of all of your problems... almost.

Kai:
They all forgive you and will try harder to make you fit in.

Fifi:
I'm sick of hearing all of their crap! 'It's okay, Fifi, you'll score next time, it's the best two out of three!', forget about it. I'm sick of it. I'll tell ya this though, I play to win. And this time, you guys are the big losers and I'm the winner! Y'know why? Because I got all of these moths, and I'm gonna fly away from this total never-ending boredom! C'mon, how many times can you play that stupid game anyway? So... SO LONG, SUCKERS!

Xev:
I don't think so, Stanley! We are not going to kill people we don't already know and we are not going to kill Kai more than we already know, you hear me?

Stan:
That 'rolling' thing... I didn't know you could do that.

Xev:
Neither did I. Must be the cluster lizard in me.

Fire General:
Fifi, you are a small-minded, self-centred, vindictive, perfectly evil human being.

Fifi:
Oooh, harsh.

Fire General:
That is why I like you.

Kai:
I cannot swim.

Bunny:
You can't...?

Kai:
No. I cannot float.

Stan:
Oh, and err... Are they open-minded? Sexually speaking...?

Bunny:
Well, on Boomtown everybody has sex. ALL the time.

Stan:
All the time? Hm!

Bunny:
Uh huh, night and day - it's a non-stop sex city. That's what they do there. (Sees Stan going red) Are you okay, Stanley?

Kai:
Are you trying to seduce me?

Bunny:
Yes...

Kai:
The dead cannot be seduced.

Bunny:
I don't understand.

Kai:
Bunny. I am dead.

Bunny:
No you're not!

[Kai uses his brace to cut his hand off]

Kai:
Yes, I am. [Kai reattaches his hand]

Bunny:
That's a neat trick. Do other parts of you perform that well?

Xev:
No. Other parts do not perform at all. You'll have to get your satisfaction elsewhere.

Kai:
Likewise, Xev.

Kai:
There should be a lot of children.

Bunny:
What are children?

Kai:
Children result from sex.

Bunny:
Fun results from sex.

Kai:
Sex is considered to be fun, but also has other complications. One of which is children.

Bunny:
Not here on Boomtown. It's just fun and that's all.'

Bunny:
You want me, don't you?

Kai:
The dead do not get frustrated. The dead do not have wants. The dead are simply dead.

Servant:
Will we attack them with the one moth we do have?

Prince:
No! We will not! I will.

Servant:
Are we going to run?

Prince:
To where?

Servant:
To safety?

Prince:
We have a common enemy. We should be fighting together against Water. Not with each other.

Duke:
Yes. All Fire must fight together, united under a single ruler against a common enemy.

Prince:
But that is already so. Fire is my planet. I am its Prince.

Duke:
[opening the balcony doors, showing Prince's city in the distance] Look. A tree doth fall.

[Prince watches his city explode.]

Duke:
A king without a crown. A prince without a town.

Duke:
Alive, he is no threat. Dead, he will come back to haunt us.

Stan:
Boy, this is hot.

Kai:
I believe that is in part why they call this planet 'Fire'.

Stan:
Oh great, so we go from the frying pan and into the Fire, huh?

Xev:
So.. Explain, why do you look exactly like Kai?

L. Kai:
Explain why he looks like me.

Stan:
Wait, we know that he IS Kai. And we can see that you look like him, y'know, but who are you?

L. Kai:
Who do I look like?

Xev:
Kai. Last of the Brunnen-G.

L. Kai:
Exactly.

Xev:
But how can the both of you be one person?

L. Kai:
I'm not exactly sure that we are! He is dead. So he's not the same as me, as I am quite alive.

Fifi:
What's 'born'?

Stan:
Well y'know, when you were born? When you're mother had ya?

Fifi:
Mother...?

Stan:
Oh boy, Bunny, you're a woman... Explain it to him.

Bunny:
Explain what?

Stan:
Oh boy, I can't believe I'm asking this. Explain to him what born is. Y'know where children come from? How life begins for all of us?

Bunny:
Oh, I just woke up one day and I was there! Just like everyone else.

Stan:
You had the right instinct, Bunny, but he's the wrong guy.

[L. Kai and Fifi laugh together.]

Stan:
What? Are you two guys on the same side now?

Fifi:
You finally figured it out. Yeah, me and Kai here are playing on the same team now. Only, like he said, he's not Kai.

Stan:
Who are ya?

L. Kai:
Prince.

Stan:
Prince who?

L. Kai:
Just Prince, you know me. We've met before.

Fifi:
He's my new boss.

Fifi:
You didn't have enough time to come down!

Xev:
Correct if I was only a human being.

Fifi:
You're not a human being?!

Xev:
Not completely.

Stan:
She's only half human!

Fifi:
...What's the other half?

Xev:
Cluster lizard. [roars]

Xev:
The real Kai would have been a better kisser!

Stan:
Oh thank you, Xev. I thank you like I've never thanked you before...

Xev:
Are you the real Stan?

Stan:
You wanna kiss me and find out?

Xev:
[pecks him on the cheek] Hmmm, you are. Let's go.

Stan:
Aw damn.

[Kai saves Trish]

Trish:
I suppose you feel better now?

Kai:
No.

Trish:
Yes you do. You did your big rescue-thing on me so you feel better.

Kai:
No. I do not feel.

Trish:
Oh yeah I believe that. I bet you go around rescuing people, believing that you're doing them a big, giant favour and expect that they should be all happy and grateful about it. But let's face it: you don't do it for their happiness. You do it so that you can feel better yourself.

Kai:
I do not feel good... I do not feel better. I am dead, and I do not feel anything - ever.

[Kai is damaged, Xev will try to help him]

Kai:
First you must remove my power and control rods.

Xev:
Where are your power and control rods?

Kai:
[points to a bronze codpiece he's wearing] There, between my legs.

Xev:
[takes a deep breath] Okay, remove the power and control rods... How?

Kai:
Turn, and pull.

Xev:
[working on Kai's codpiece] Does this hurt?

Kai:
[squirms] No.

Stan:
No, the dead don't feel pain, right?

Xev:
He said to put them in the medicine slots.

Mantrid:
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. [inserts the last rod in Kai's protoblood slot]

Stan:
That's the wrong one, what did you do that for?

Mantrid:
To see what happens. I'm Mantrid!

Stan:
Yeah I know, I know. The dead do not feel stress.

Kai:
Right. But the dead do go out of alignment.

Stan:
Boy, I don't trust you.

Prince:
I'm not trustworthy.

Captain:
Sir, I must ask you... How is it that you are alive?

Kai:
[weak] I am not alive.

Kai:
The dead do not feel pain.

Stan:
So this Hogtown place? Is it dangerous?

Prince:
No... Yes. It's not their actions that kill you, but the 'process' will certainly finish you off.

Prince:
Perhaps you can sprout wings and fly, can you do that?

Stan:
No.

Prince:
No, well neither can I.

Stan:
Well that's a relief.

Prince:
I may be bad, but I always stick to my deals and I rarely ever lie. It's much more fun to tell the truth.

Procurer:
If I may refer the commission? The claimant's statement, section three, paragraph 1-B of my procurement report.

Adjudicator:
Thank you. [curious] He is not from Fire...?

Procurer:
The claimant claims not to be, Adjudicator.

Adjudicatrix:
I don't understand.

Prior:
The claimant also claims - to be dead. Section 7, paragraph 5-A.

Adjudicatrix:
Dead?

Kai:
I assume that this process will inevitably lead to some sort of punishment? I request that you cut this process short, and throw me off the edge of the city.

Adjudicator:
Claimants are not permitted to request punishments at this stage. The claimant must wait until the final adjudication.

Xev:
So, which direction do you wanna go then?

Stan:
[catching his breath] I don't know. I want you to choose. That way when everything goes terribly awful, I get the satisfaction of blamin' you.

Xev:
Thanks, Stan.

[Stan tries to slide past a man who grabs him by the arm and pulls him down.]

Man in tunnel:
(Desperate) Don't go down there.

Stan:
Err... Thanks for the advice. [shouts] Xev...?

Man in tunnel:
Don't go down there!

Stan:
Why?

Man in tunnel:
They'll hurt you. They always do!

Adjudicatrix:
Procurer, this man that you procured from the desert claims in your procurement report that he has been an assassin. Is that correct?

Procurer:
That is correct, Adjudicatrix.

Kai:
Once again - I request that you throw me from the edge of the city!

Adjudicatrix:
Claimant. You will not progress your claim until you respect the rules and procedures by which this adjudication commission adjudicates its claims.

Kai:
[louder] I withdraw ALL claims. And request that this 'commission' throw me from the edge of the city!

Adjudicatrix:
Claimant. Have you ever suffered torture? Degradation? Or other evil on this planet?

Kai:
Yes, from this commission!

Adjudicator:
Default! Rule one, accusations against the commission are not recordable.

Adjudicatrix:
Claimant? Have you, in fact, ever assassinated anyone?

Kai:
[breathless] I... have killed mothers with their babies... I have killed great philosophers, and proud young warriors... I have killed... the evil! And the good! The intelligent! The weak... and the beautiful. But it's been a while since I slayed a whole room full of petty bureaucrats! [begins to sing 'Yo Way Yo']

Procurer:
The claimant will answer the Adjudicatrix's question! Those who do not comply with the commission are subject to standard punishment number one!

Kai:
What is that?

Procurer:
Number one is to be thrown off the edge of the city, to their death.

Kai:
I request standard punishment number one!

Adjudicator:
Claimants are not allowed to request specific punishments. This commission has the sole right to adjudicate the claimant's claim.

Kai:
Look.. here! At my arm... Procurer, come... Come here. I think it will answer your questions.

[the procurer approaches]

Kai:
Feel... along the muscle.

Procurer:
What has this to do with the Adjudicators' question?

Kai:
Are you afraid? I do not even have the strength to raise my arm!

[the procurer kneels and feels Kai's wrist through his sleeve]

Kai:
A little higher... A little higher.

Procurer:
notices something] What's that?

Kai:
Squeeze it.

Procurer:
I do not know if it is permitted. [to Adjudicators] Is it permitted?

'[they nod, the procurer squeezes Kai's brace and it zooms out, clutching the Adjudicator's neck]

Kai:
At least the fall fixed THAT part of me.

Adjudicator:
[struggling] What do you want?

Kai:
I REQUEST that you throw me OFF the EDGE of the CITY!

Adjudicator:
This adjudication commission hereby grants the claimant standard punishment number one. [the commission starts stamping papers]

Man in tunnel:
I'm a doctor. You can trust me!

Rainbow:
[approaches with knife] I'm going to make you better.

Stan:
You don't have to make me better, I feel just fine! I feel perfectly, perfectly, perfectly, perfectly alright...!

Rainbow:
No... no... no... no... no... no no... no... You have parts on you which you should feel MUCH better off without!

Stan:
[high] What parts?

Rainbow:
Bad parts. Dirty parts. Parts I'm going to cut away!

Prince:
The people who are condemned to live down here do not have their own city, because they are the bad of the bad. They are the sick, and the truly evil. They kill for the sheer pleasure they exact from the act of killing. Up until now, they only had each other to hunt down, but that was until you came along and made things more interesting.

Stan:
Well it's absolutely not interesting for me. Not at all.

Prince:
No way is safe in the tunnels.

Prince:
Nowhere is safe on the planet Fire.

Kai:
I must procure this balloon from you.

Procurer:
But it is not permitted.

Kai:
Perhaps not. But I have been realigned.

[Procurer starts to hum "Yo A-O"]

Stan:
Stupid doctors...

Stan:
Are you dying?

Prince:
Yeah. But I'm used to it.

790:
Welcome back, Kai! Captain of my heart.

Kai:
Hello.

790:
I suffered here so long in silence. All alone. By myself. Desperately longing for the cold dead flesh I desire.

Stan:
“How could I be so stupid?”

Kai:
“There are many ways.”

Kai:
The dead do not poo.

Stan:
Ooh! A poofter robot head!

790:
I resent that.

Stan:
Oh, why? You're a he, he's a he.

790:
I am not a he. I'm a she.

Stan:
Don't think so.

790:
I am.

Stan:
Not.

790. Am!

Stan:
Not!

790:
You just hate me 'cause I'm different.

790:
Kiss me, Kai!

[Kai plants a kiss on top of the robot head]

790:
[gasp] I'll never wash that spot...

Kai:
The point of death is the point of joy.

Stan:
What are you talking about?

Kai:
I died a long time ago but I still remember the experience.

Stan':
So?

Kai:
I also remember the experience from sexual climax from the time I was alive.

Stan:
Oh well, that's very nice. I'm very happy for ya'.

Kai:
And there is a certain similarity between the two events.

Stan:
Between getting jollies and... getting killed?

Kai:
Yes. The quality of release was somewhat the same. Only with death it was far greater.

790:
I am not interested in any type of sexual experience with a woman. I am only interested in sex with my stiff.

Stanley:
The dead are unpredictable.

[Xev finds Kai half-buried in a pile of earth]

Xev:
What are you doing?

Kai; Decomposing.

Xev:
Why are you buried in the dirt?

Kai:
It is the natural way of all dead things.

Kai:
There is no right place to live for the dead.

Prince:
To be the opposite of good... You see, Xev, that fires all the bad. It is the repository of all that is not good.

Prince:
Am I beautiful?

Priest:
The most!

Prince:
Wicked?

Priest:
The sharpest.

Prince:
Do you love me?

Priest:
Completely!

Prince:
Would you die for me?

Priest:
In an instant!

Prince:
I tempt those who can be tempted and I punish those who deserve to be punished. That is my function, my occupation. My job. My joy. What is wrong with that? I also punish some who have done nothing wrong. Who slipped through the cracks. But then... no system is perfect.

Kai:
The dead do not hope.

Stan:
Do you think we're in some kind of afterlife?

Kai:
What do you mean, Stanley?

Stan:
A place you go when you die? I mean how do we know that we're not dead? I mean, well, okay, you've been dead for six thousand years, but how do I know I'm not dead...?

Kai:
You are alive Stanley. From my perspective anyway.

Queen':
Drumsticks, drumsticks, drumsticks...!

Hammer:
All those in favour that the non-she has been following a non-boy agenda, and therefore should receive the highest possible punishment, death, signify by saying aye.

Council:
Aye.

Kai:
Now might be a good moment to take advantage of the element of surprise.

Queen:
Be careful what you wish for, or you will get what you want...!

Queen:
Queen wants you to share your body with her.

Stan:
What do you want to do with my body?

Queen:
Queen wants to put her head unto it.

Hammer:
You are a non-she!

Kai:
By a non-she, do you mean... a man?

Council:
Ew! Oh! Argh!

Xev:
What's that?

790:
Nothing important. Just a dead body.

Xev:
Nothing important?

790:
It's a dead body. But not my dead body...

Xev:
The dead don't love!

Xev:
I am not trying to steal your man.

790:
You're not?

Xev:
No. I'm just fishing for him. Like you. And who knows that either one of us might catch this fish.

790:
So I have a chance?

Xev:
Yes 790, you have a chance. Not much of 'em, but a tiny little robot-head-in-love chance to make his dead man's dreams come true.

790:
I'm. So. Happy!

790:
[gasps] I just heard him!

Xev:
Who?

790:
Who else, but the GREATEST MAN WHO EVER DIED?!

Xev:
Really? Where?

Kai:
Water seems to be the afterlife of the virtuous. Stanley did not always make virtuous choices. I suspect he has gone to Fire.

Prince:
This has never happened before. This has been a most interesting time. You're the first.

Xev:
The first what?

Prince:
The first people to come here still living their original lives. This has been a most interesting time. A most unsettling time. A time of great possibility... And now it is time for me to die.

Kai:
Being dead, I do not care about things. But I do think about them.

Prince:
And what do you think about?

Kai:
I try to understand the difference between the living and myself.

Prince:
Would you like to be alive again?

Kai:
I do not have likes.

Xev:
So what's the deal?

Prince:
I will be king, you will be queen - or, perhaps, you will be my slave. Which is the same thing, really.

Xev:
You bring out something in me that doesn't always find proper expression.

Prince:
I think that there is the possibility that you will be a very good queen.

Kai:
If I am a machine, and Stanley is an essence meant to suffer forever, then what are you?

Prince:
I do not know.

Kai:
How is it that you do not know?

Prince:
Because no one has ever asked me that question before, and so I've never thought about the answer.

Prince:
My existence is simple, I make sure that those who make bad choices suffer - nothing more.

Kai:
Why do you want to destroy Water?

Prince:
Because it is full of good, and I am full of bad. I think that's all there is to it. I'm not very complicated really.

Prince:
...What's that?

Kai:
The end of your planet, and of you.

Prince:
I think I should be sad... But I'm not.

790:
Good job, Xev! And today's lesson is: always ignore your feelings and listen to the robot head!

Xev:
We didn't know... I mean I wasn't sure you would survive when we blew up the planet.

Kai:
I did not survive, as I am already dead. But... I was not destroyed.

Xev:
[smiles] Then I'm glad you were not destroyed.

Stan:
What? What do you mean? What happened to me?

Xev:
...You died.

Stan:
I died...?!

Xev:
Yes, Stanley Tweedle. You died and went down into Fire, and now you're back to life.

Stan:
Really?

Kai:
Really.

Stan:
...Wow.

Prince:
[speeding towards Earth] Oh Pain, oh joy! Oh Pain, oh joy! Oh pain, oh joy, oh pain, oh joy, oh pain, oh joy!