Louie, Season 3

Louie:
Hey, what are you doing?

Laurie:
I'm gonna put out. Let me blow you.

Louie:
Seriously?

Laurie:
No, it's a hidden-camera show. Come on, get that thing out.

Louie:
Okay.

Laurie:
Lick it or I'll break your finger!

Louie:
Okay, okay.

Lars Tardigan:
Let me offer you a proposal: you go back to New York. You get in shape, you lose about forty pounds. I get you with Jackie Dahl - he's my main city man. He works with you and then, in about two months, we do a test show.

Louie:
A test show?

Lars Tardigan:
Jack will get you a small studio. You know, you'll do a monologue, you'll do a couple of interviews and if the test is good, I'll put you on the air. And then if you're a hit, everyone will think I'm a genius and I'll have saved the network about twelve million dollars. If America hates you, no one's going to blame me. We'll hire Jerry Seinfeld to do the show, no harm, no foul. But you'll take the heat on all that. You're gonna crack your head on the ceiling, and you're gonna go down. Probably for good. (stands) Look Louie, we're talking about the big game here, so forgive me if I use big terms. Here's the reality. In ten years you're going to be teaching comedy in a community college to support your kids and falling asleep to The Late Show with Jerry Seinfeld. You're circling failure in a rapidly decaying orbit. That's the reality as we talk now. But you can change that. It's in your power to change that. Yes, you'll have to work hard. You'll have to do things you haven't done before and still your chances are very slim. But you could change it. I'm going to ask you one more time: David Letterman is retiring. You want his job?

Louie:
[after dropping parts to fix his daughters doll] Shit on my Fathers Balls!