Magnum, P.I., Season 1

Higgins:
Don't ruin my whiskey with ice! I'm not a bloody American!

Magnum:
Higgins, you yo-yo!

[Alice asks Thomas about his days serving in the Navy]

Alice Cook:
Why did you quit, Tom?

Magnum:
It was nothing earth-shattering. One day I woke up age 33, and realized I'd never been 23.

Higgins:
You have to get into the safe first, Magnum.

Magnum:
[wiggles eyebrows] I know.

Magnum:
[narrates] So far this case had cost me my right to the wine cellar, the last cash in my pocket, and nearly my life. If that clerk was lying to me, I was gonna come back down here and shove that Robin Masters paperback in his ear!

Magnum:
I'm not an intruder, I'm a guest!

Higgins:
Guests eventually leave.

Karen Wolfe:
[to Magnum] So, a woman can't go out like a man, huh? She takes pills. Swims out to sea or slits her wrists, but she ain't got the guts to blotto the old face, isn't that what you said Tony, huh? Here's one woman who's going to take it right between the big blues, just to show you how smart you really are.

J.J. Stein:
I told him. I told that lousy writer that that scene was sick. I didn't even enjoy reading it. No. He insisted we keep it in. Damn writers.

Higgins:
Magnum, feed the lads, would you? There are steaks in the freezer. [Magnum makes an excited face] Very well, you can have one too.

Higgins:
Stop. Whatever you are doing, stop it.

T.C.:
Hi, Higgins.

Higgins:
Don't "Hi, Higgins" me. Just get you and your juvenile delinquents out of here.

Magnum:
[narrates] There are times when one human being really shouldn't take advantage of another... but this wasn't one of them.

T.C.:
[Pulls Magnum out of trouble and a bullet cracks the windshield] Some things never change.

T.C.:
Whoa! What's with this Abbott and Costello routine, 'You owe me 50, I'll loan you 10'? Forget it!

Magnum:
Oh, okay! Thanks, I owe you one! [speeds off in the Ferrari]

T.C.:
[Looks at the screen] Did it ever occur to you that boy can not count past one?

[Higgins is being nice to Magnum because he wants him to play bridge with him]

Higgins:
Put Magnum's bill on my tab. [bartender looks very surprised, hands up in the air in defense]

Bartender:
I always do.

[Higgins is trying not to get angry at Magnum]

Higgins:
Tomorrow at three?

Magnum:
I'll try.

Magnum:
I'm trying to tie up the loose ends, Floyd, you know, like those TV detectives.

Magnum:
[after Higgins' dogs each deliver a note to his door] First note was from Cindy. She said Higgins was going to the club, and she'd asked if she could tag along. She hoped I didn't mind. And then she thanked me again for helping her, and told me I was wonderful. The second note was from Higgins. I really can't repeat what he said. Let me put it this way -- he didn't think I was wonderful.

Magnum:
[narrates] I know what you're thinking. After the phoney beach attack, I should have said goodbye to Louise. But you know something, I was starting to have a good time. Maybe she wasn't the only one who had fantasies about famous detectives who are heroes.

[A kid drops off Higgins' resignation and the car]

Magnum:
Did he tip you?

Kid:
$20.

Rick:
That's not Higgins, Thomas.

Magnum:
[narrating] Hawaii's like every sensual woman I've ever known. She can have raging, violent bursts of temper, followed by incredible calm and peacefulness. Today was one of those days of true serenity, when even the great tourist wave seems to recede. I mean, I couldn't believe the stillness.