Married... with Children, Season 3

Al just had a flashback telling about the mean librarian, Miss DeGroot, and how she was infamous for her stirring sugar in coffee

Steve:
Al, return the book.

Al:
But what if the monster is waiting for me?

Steve:
She is dead.

Al:
How do you know?

Steve:
Medical science, Al. No one can eat that much sugar and live!

Al:
You think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every day when I wake up in the morning, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up. I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Pop Tart. I get in my car with no gas, no upholstery and six more payments. I fight honking traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes onto the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I wanted to. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never know the joy of driving without a bag over my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what they wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I didn't put a gun in my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner!

[Al tries to bribe Miss DeGroot with a doughnut.]

Miss DeGroot:
Could it be that you don't have the $2000? Could it be that I was correct when I made an educated guess that you would fail in life?

Al:
Could it be that the nails that hold your chair together are from the planet Krypton?

Steve:
You know what we say at the bank: when opportunity knocks, that's us foreclosing.

[Al is trying to fit shoes to three fat women.]

Fat Woman:
They don't fit and your ad says we fit every foot.

Al:
Yes ma'am, but what our problem is what we're dealing with is not what Webster meant by feet. Now let's face it girls, what we got here are rib roast with nails. Now what I suggest is surrounding your toosties with those brown potatoes, wrapped in foil and served with dry wine.

[The fat women are insulted and leave.]

Kelly:
I'm Kelly. Remember, we met in the boys' shower the other day?

Matt:
Oh, yeah, the soup girl.

Kelly:
The soap girl. S-O-P-E.

Peg:
[thinking] Poor Al. He's having such a miserable day. Gee, I hope he doesn't realize this jacket cost $200

Al:
[thinking] My record is going to hell. No one will remember me, and my wife is wearing a $200 jacket.

Kelly:
I didn't ask to be here, and I didn't ask to be born.

Al:
Peg?

Peg:
Well, it's her time of the month, Al.

Al:
What the hell did we bring her for, then?

Bud:
Squeak through another month, eh, Kel?

Kelly:
Your mother.

Marcy:
If I retain any more water, they could build a pier across my butt.

Al:
All three at once. What do they do, give it to each other?

Al:
We don't need the lottery. We have each other.

Peg:
I want the lottery.

Peg:
I swear that he is more in love with that toilet than he is with me.

Marcy:
Oh, of course he is not.

Al:
Hey, Peg [hugs the toilet]. Daddy loves you. Daddy loves you.

Peg:
What does that toilet have that I don't?

Al:
A job.

Bud:
Where's Dad?

Peggy:
In the bathroom breaking in his new toilet.

Peggy:
[Al walks in the living room and sits on the couch] How was it, honey?

Al:
I don't know, Peg. I'm constipated. This is the worst day of my life. I wonder if this ever happened to Dad?

Peggy:
Aww, honey. Do you want me to undercook you some chicken?

Al:
No thanks, Peg. It'll take more than raw poultry to fix what's wrong with me. [Al turns on TV]

Man on TV:
And now back to the rest of ABC's lineup, Roseanne and the Emmy winning Thirtysomething.

[Al nods his head, picks up the newspaper and walks back into the bathroom]

Al:
Gee I wish I could figure out what happened to my tools and my copper wiring and my tile and my life and my manhood.

Al:
Why did we buy a house with only one bathroom?

Peggy:
Because all the other houses in our price range were on fire. Except for that lovely house with no kitchen that I wanted.

Al:
Well, we all have our disappointments. I have to sleep with mine.

Peggy:
Is that its new name?

[Al and Steve see beautiful women in the lingerie store.]

Al:
I knew women looked like that. I knew it. I knew it.

Al:
[watching the store clerk walk away] Yeah, let's see the Japanese build a better one of those.

Steve:
I happen to love my wife, Al. Oh, God. What am I going to tell Marcy? What am I going to tell Marcy? What if she leaves me? Who'll have me? A bald banker. Did you ever see a bald guy flirt? It's pathetic. What's my fate, Al? To stand in a singles bar with a sign that says "Please"?

Marcy:
Oh, Peggy, I'm so worried about Steve. He's acting very strangely. Last night we had sex and he wore a sombrero.

Peg:
Ooh! The ribbed kind?

Marcy:
On his head, Peggy. It's a hat.

Peg:
You have to put your foot down. If I didn't, Al world still be wearing the walkman.

Peggy:
Steve and Marcy throw a nice party, don't they?

Al:
Well, it would have been nicer if we were actually invited. You know, Peg, I didn't like those people very much. Bunch of boring bankers. They just kept staring at me.

Peggy:
Well, you did overflow the toilet and not tell anyone.

Al:
I don't tell anyone when I do it here! But you gotta give me credit. I did try to liven things up!

Peggy:
You know, I don't think a bankers' party is the right place to stand on the buffet and yell "Hey, let's wet down the wives' T-shirts and rate their hooters!"

Madam Olga:
I feel very strong vibrations here.

Al:
[to Peg] Did you leave your toy running under the couch again?

Peg:
No, it's in the shop getting turbo charged.

Marcy:
Is the captain any good?

Stewardess:
Indeed. His hands are rough, but oh so gentle when caressing me.

Marcy:
No! I meant, is he is a skilled aviator?

Stewardess:
How on Earth should I know?

Al is long haired

Al:
You think I want this? Do you think I appreciate old guys in granny glasses asking me if I like the new Grateful Dead album? That is the problem with everything. They try and make it better without realizing the old is fine. They take away the pinball machine...bring in the video game. I do not care if a monkey can make it to the top of a building...unless he was going up there to defenestrate his wife! I do not want a hair salon, I want the barber pole, I want the dog in the corner, I want my hair cut by a man who likes girls but not women.

Al caves in

Al:
Hopefully, wherever they buried Tony, they buried him face down so he wouldn't have to see my shame. 'Cause Al Bundy... is going to get washed... and blown.

[Al comes in with a perm.]

Peg:
You look like a fruit, Al.

Al:
Thanks, Peg.

Bud:
Pretty cool, Dad. You have that "no closet can hold me" look.

Kelly:
Leave Dad alone, you guys. (to Al): You're still going to wear men's clothing, aren't you?

All of Al's friends have perms

Al:
Come on, guys! Lets go out and find a fire hydrant, stick our heads in the hole and wash the gay away!

Mike:
Outside, without our hair nets?

Al:
And move fast! After that, none of us care how long it takes and spare no expense, but we find ourselves a barber!

Al:
I don't wanna have sex with you. You're my wife, for Godsakes.

Steve:
[stands up, clears his throat and goes to the jurors] Hello, everyone! Anyhow, my wife and I and Peggy and Al Bundy went to the Hop-On Inn to indulge in a little clean marital fun. On separate occasions, of course. During the course of our wholesome bliss, our romantic activities, the reaffirmation of the love we share, and... whatever the Bundys were doing... our conjugal privacy was invaded. Yes, we were violated by video cameras! [Marcy hides her face behind her hand.] But first I think you should hear some background that I believe is germane to this case. My grandfather came to this country, poor man...

[Minutes go by.]

Steve:
Then, in World War II, my uncle Nick wiped out more Nazi dogs with venereal disease...

Al:
[ordering dinner for everyone in a high-class restaurant] Four steaks. Nuke 'em.

Al:
Hey, kids, whaddya say? You wanna go out for a nice dinner tomorrow?

Bud:
We wanna see Tears and Vomit.

Al:
Well, you see that when your mom cooks.

Al:
I forgot my wallet, Peg.

Bud:
He's such a nerd.

Peg:
Now, kids, give your father a chance. (To Al) So, what are your going to do, idiot?

Peg:
How long do you think it will take them?

Al:
Well, it took us 40 minutes to get here one way & knowing how Kelly drives, they should be there & back in about 8 minutes.

Peg:
[awakens from her sugar coma] Mom, I had the most horrible dream: I was married to a shoe salesman.

Kelly:
Mom, when I grow up I want to be just like you. I want to do nothing, I want to be nothing.

Al:
There are two things Bundys don't do: we don't eat vegetables and we don't tap.

Al:
When a Bundy is embarrassed, the rest of us feel better about ourselves.

Kelly:
[while practicing tap dancing] Nerd-geek-dweeb, duh-weeb-nerd-dork!

Bud:
"Anything Goes". That's your song, isn't it, Kel?

Peg:
What's wrong with you getting a second job?

Al:
Peg, let me state this as clearly as I can. I would rather rip off my nose with a can opener. I would rather bob for apples in a sewer. I would rather have a catheter the size of a garden hose before I get another job to pay for your shopping.

Captain:
Get with the program, Bundy. You're a disgrace to the hat. Aw, clean your station.

Al:
Marry a redhead.

Al deduces what the reason for Peggy's big checks are

Al:
Peg, why did you not sell the cosmetics?

Peg:
Well, my friends decided they were not as good as other cosmetics.

Al:
OK, fine. So why in the world would you buy off yourself?

Peg:
To get the commission checks!

Al gives strained look of rage

Al:
You see Peg, when you buy off yourself you get less coming in than what you owe. In the shoe business lingo we call that...SENDING YOUR HUSBAND ROCKETING TO THE POORHOUSE! How much do you owe?

Peg{sheepishly}:
Minus the commission checks?

Al:
Yes, Peg.

Peg:
$627.

Al{sternly}:
Well, looks like we will have to keep up the part-time job until the debt is retired.

Scene shifts to Burger Trek. An improperly-wrapped hamburger is sent out a chute to a customer's tray

Captain:
Did not make the noise, Bundy!

Kitchen. Peg is now working at Burger Trek instead of Al

Peg {on microphone}:
Whoosh!

Al:
I can't say I won and I can't say I lost. [looks at Peg] Well, I definitely can't say I won.

Marcy:
If I had my way, I'd have them round up everyone of those inconsiderate savages, bury them up to their necks and run them over with the grain reaper.

Peg:
You know, I feel the same way about that Pippi Longstocking girl. God I hate her!

Marcy:
Steve, no!

Steve:
Oh come on Marcy. This is so easy a chimpanzee could do it. All they need to do is check mail, newspapers, and see if anything is suspicious.

Steve hands Al a spare key to the Rhodes residence

Steve:
Besides they are are our neighbors and they look like...Peg and Al are rubbing their hands and leering with glee like a drunk who just won a free six-pack of beer...trustworthy people.

Marcy:
Oh all right. We have to get on the road before it gets jammed in order to make it to my parents' house anyway.

Al:
Have a good time.

Steve:
Thanks Al. It should be pretty routine while I am gone. Oh, and if a chimp comes around, tell him we could not wait any longer.

[Al and Peg are going outside to sleep.]

Peg:
Oh, no, Al! It's raining!

Al:
Good. I'll sleep with my mouth open. Maybe I'll drown.

[Kelly tells Al about her upcoming slumber party.]

Al:
You're not having a slumber party. I'm still having flashbacks from the last one you had.

Kelly:
Daddy, I was eight years old.

Al:
But the judge wanted to try you as an adult.

Al:
Peg, I don't wanna go to our high school reunion. Can't we just forget the good times and get on with our lives?

Peg:
Okay Al, let's go over this one more time. What do you work as?

Al:
Garbageman.

Peg:
How often do we do we make love?

Al:
Five times a year.

Peg:
It's five times a week, Al.

Al:
Oh, come on, Peg, no one's going to believe that.

Peg:
I'm not asking you to do it. Just say it. Okay, now, how many children have we got?

Al:
None.

Peg:
Well, well, if it is not Connie Bender. I still remember what she was known by "Connie Bender, bring a friend, it won't offend her!"

Marcy:
Steve, don't tell them about your insane quest to create the 99 cent coin.

Steve:
Al, I invented the 99 cent coin. Have you ever noticed how things cost $7.99? $14.99? $99.99? My coin will eliminate the messy change that only catches the attention of obnoxious beggars who hassle you on the way to your Mercedes. Think of it, Al. Anything you want, you just plunk down old number 99. It's a plan without flaws.

Al:
What about tax?

Steve:
You sound just like those fools in the Treasury Department.

Marcy:
Well, dear, maybe if you hadn't have insisted on putting your picture on the coin.

Steve:
Whose should it have been? Yours? Look, Al, you gotta see your dream through, Buddy. All they can do is laugh at you.

Marcy:
And audit you for five straight years.

Kelly:
Bud, look at yourself. Face the ugly truth. They don't have woods deep enough to grow the kind of girls that would be willing to date you. I mean, maybe you're aiming too high. You know, a live girl. See, your problem is, you've got caviar taste and a pizza face. Aim a little lower. Hey, logs can't run away! And then there's the dead. You know, a girl who's been dead long enough might even think that you're a good catch. Hey, I know: how about a nice department store mannequin? I mean, they're used to being undressed by sexless boys.

Bud:
Thanks for the help, Bleached Blanket Bimbo.

Kelly:
They may call me bimbo, but at least they call me.

Al:
What do I need a computer for?

Marcy:
News updates.

Al:
Newspaper.

Marcy:
Social events.

Al:
TV guide.

Steve:
Recipes.

Al:
[placing arm around Peg] Don't eat.

Steve:
Doctor's appointments.

Al:
Don't care.

Peg:
I didn't marry a happy man.

Al:
No, you did, Peg. You just turned him into me.

Peg:
Honey, take a picture of me so you can remember me when I was beautiful.

Al:
What, you're gonna get worse?

A big woman:
(to Al) Hey! You're in my sun. I'm trying to get an all-over tan.

Al:
Well, you're asking a lot of the sun.

Woman:
(Sobs) Oh!

[Steve has just asked Al for a favor.]

Al:
What? Grab your wife's legs and make a wish.

[Marcy is offended and stands up to try to strangle Al.]

Peg:
Al, nobody wants to peep me. Hold me!

Al:
Well nobody wants to hold you either.

Al and Peg's neighbor:
I've been peeped too, it was horrible!

Al:
How was it for you?

(Steve and Al are carrying a heavy box)

Steve:
Okay. We've cleaned out your garage, your backyard, and your attic. So tomorrow you're gonna help me clean out our garage, right Al?

Al:
One second...(he puts the box on the table) No.

Al:
Bud, did you take my adjustable wrenches?

Bud:
(in a sarcastic tone) Yeah, Dad. You're on to me. We've been having these wild parties. Y'know, invite some girls over, turn the lights down low, and gang-fix the sink.

Marcy:
Is the captain any good?

Stewardess:
Oh, he's fabulous. [leans in] His hands are gentle, but oh-so-rough.

Marcy:
I meant, can he fly the plane?

Stewardess:
...How would I know?

Waiter:
Before you see a menu, would anyone care to begin with a cocktail?

Al:
Coke.

Peggy:
Coke.

Bud:
Coke.

Kelly:
Jack and a beer back.

Al:
Bud, you know what I had to do as a kid to earn money to get a jacket? I had to shovel coal, carry ice, dig ditches, pump gas.

Peggy (singing):
Nobody knows/The trouble he's seen (Bud and Kelly sing along): Nobody knows/His sorrow...

Al:
Thank you very much, Bundy Glee Club. And, by the way, Peg: way to parent.

Kelly:
[while practicing tap dancing] Hop-shuffle-death, hop-shuffle-fail, hop-shuffle-bus station.

Al's Mom:
Well, Al, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Al as a Kid:
President of the United States.

Al's Mom:
Then someday, you will.

Al (out loud):
Yeah right, Mom. Try saying that when you're sober.

Al:
[talking to Bud] Son, life didn't pass me by, it sat on my head.

Al:
Okay, Peg, what do we got? The Terminator? The Predator? (Peg hands Al the tape): Oh, Heavenly Dog? Peg, I wanted Schwarzenegger.

Peg:
I did too, Al. But I got you, and you got Beta.

Peg:
So I let the plumber in over at Steve and Marcy's house.

Al (sarcastically):
Oh, they'll be so happy. (drops the sarcasm): By the way, did you know their house is gone?

Peg (confused):
What do you mean, "gone"?

Al:
Gone. Like my hopes, my dreams, my future.

Peg (finally understanding what he means):
Oh, you mean "gone". (gets up to look out the door window): It can't be gone. (looks outside): Al, Steve and Marcy's house is gone!

Al:
Nothing gets by you, does it, Peg? Except a house!

Al:
Peg, I don't like going to your mother's. I see how she looks at me: like I was between two pieces of bread. We all know what happened to her dog.

Peg:
They never proved that.

Marcy:
Oh, I had the most horrible dream. I dreamt I was Dorothy on The Wizard of Oz. Peggy, you were The Good Witch. Al, you were looking for a brain. And Steve...(suggestively): you were Don Johnson naked. Then a train went through a tunnel...and our house was gone! (sighs): I'm feeling much better now. (to Peggy): Did you remember to let the plumber in?

(Pegs looks at Marcy sympathetically. Fade into later. Marcy is tying on a red silk robe)

Marcy:
Well, Peggy gave me this tacky peignoir. (to Steve): Did Al give you something to sleep in?

(A miserable Steve walks out with a blue T-shirt that reads:
I'M MARRIED; SHOOT ME)

Bud:
Come on, Kel. I did all your chores. I alphabetized all your albums. I even put an "Over One Million Served" sign on the wall above your bed. Now can I stay for your pajama party?

Kelly:
No, pus bomb, you can't.

Kelly:
Daddy, we don't have any food.

Al:
My underwear has no elastic. (jerks a thumb at Peg): Take it up with June Cleaver over here.

Peg:
So who died and made me mom?

Al:
You know, you can learn a lot about someone going through their safe. I wonder if Steve knows that the house is only in Marcy's name.

Peg:
And I wonder if Marcy knows that Steve's mother is the beneficiary on his life insurance.

Al:
You know, we may not have much, but at least we don't keep secrets from each other.

Peg:
You said it, Al. (both of them turn away, worried about their respective untold secrets)

Connie:
Peggy. Peggy Wanker, don't bother to thank her.

Peg:
Connie. Connie Bender, bring a friend, it won't offend her.

Al:
I don't care what anyone says. I'm holding onto my dream 'til the bitter end.

Peg:
Oh, God. Now I am depressed. I thought this was the bitter end.

Al:
Good evening, fellow shoe men. You all know me.

(the audience boos, hisses, and rudely tells Al to sit down)

Al:
Yeah, I love you too.

Al:
Shoe lights! Get your shoe lights! Fire sale! (sobs): Oh God!

Kelly:
Uh, Mom? Is this truly the end? 'Cuz, if it is, I'm not walking him.

Peg:
Don't worry, honey. If Daddy the dog is anything like Daddy the man, he'll just tuck a newspaper under his paw and lock himself in a tree for an hour.