Married... with Children, Season 7

Al:
Marcy, I'm saying this as a friend. Your body shows no signs of womanhood; it's obvious to me you're barren. And even if by some miracle you laid an egg, and then hatched a child, and tried to breast-feed, the poor kid would starve to death. Because, let's face it, Marce, there can't be enough in there for a cup of coffee. So having said that--with love--from one friend to another, I offer you the son you'll never have. Let me go get his clothes.

Bud:
I don't get it. I'm so cute. What am I even doing home? I know I've got the bod, got the arms, chest...and even I can't keep my hands off my butt.

[Peg walks in and sees him grabbing his butt]

Peg:
You really should talk to Daddy.

Al:
Don't mind me, son, just avoiding your mother. Hey now, what's this? Hooters, absolutely no faces.

Al:
Bud, did you do this? [short pause] Oh God look at my life, I'm sitting in my own son's wet spot!

[Al walks towards the mirror & looks at himself]

Al:
I don't get it. I'm so cute. How could this be my fate? I should've married for money. Always had the bod, arms, God never made a nicer butt.

[Peg walks in, sees Al grabbing his butt and leaves silently]

[The Dodge stops at Springfield on a map]

Gas Station Attendant:
Fill 'er up, sir?

Al:
Nope. Making a delivery.

[Toilet flushes]

[The Dodge then stops at Nashville]

[Someone not speaking English]

Al:
Yeah, whatever.

[Toilet flushes again]

[The Dodge then stops in Altanta]

Announcer:
And the Atlanta Braves take the field.

[The toilet flushes for a third time]

Kelly:
Did something die in here?

Bud:
That would be me. It's my new cologne. My own secret little recipe. I call it "A Touch of Bud."

Kelly:
Yeah, well, if anyone knew what a touch of Bud was, it could only be you.

Bud:
And nobody does it better.

[Al drives into the garage where Bud and his frat friends are holding hands with their pants down.]

Bud:
Hi Dad. We're having sort of a secret ceremony here.

Al:
Not secret enough, son.

Kelly:
Daddy.

Al:
What?

Kelly:
I forgot. Oh, yeah! Daddy.

Al:
What?

Kelly:
I forgot again. Don't say "what" next time.

Al:
Okay, Pumpkin.

Kelly:
Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. DADDY!

Al:
WHAT?

Kelly:
Now you made me forget again.

[In a few minutes later.]

Kelly:
Daddy.

Al:
Damn, what is that good for to do? You just gonna forget.

Kelly:
No, I won't. Daddy.

Al:
What?

Kelly:
I forgot.

Bud:
Hooters?

Al:
Playboys?

Bud:
Playboys.

Al:
Hooters.

Al and Bud:
YES! YES! YES!

Peg:
I sure hope Al does not wise up to the fact that is he is legally entitled to half his money.

Peg:
You know what would really help me go to sleep?

Al:
Yes I do Peg, but I don't think we can get Dr. Kevorkian on such short notice.

Kelly:
[on Seven] He's not even a real Bundy.

Bud:
He's no kind of Bundy! Bundy's a name you earn. Our emotional scars run so deep you can almost see them.

Al:
Yep, it's a point of pride. Ever since the day the first Bundy stepped off the Mayflower... halfway over. They never found him, but they recorded his final words: "Methinks we're here!" Pioneers like that, and ourselves, we're the real Bundys. Why, that kid never had to hear any kind of real rejection. Not until he's heard, "the service entrance is in back!"

Bud:
Or, "not even for fifty bucks."

Kelly:
Yeah, or "don't ruin it by talking."

Al:
[removes a plunger from a wall safe] This is a job for Old Betsy.

Peggy:
Why do all plungers have girls' names, Al?

Al:
Because the cavemen used to hold their women by the feet for a job like this.

Rubio the Cruel (Steve Rhoades):
Men, hide your women, women, hide your heinies! For I'll bring you the unique musical styling of Rubio the Cruel! Rubettes?

[three identically dressed pirates line up behind him]

Rubio the Cruel:
[singing] For I'll be true to the song I sing, and live and die - ha-ha! - a pirate king! For I am a pirate king, and it is, it is, a glorious thing to be a pirate king! Whoo, I am a pirate king...!

[dissolve to Rubio singing from the bridge]

Rubio the Cruel:
[singing] I am the very model of a modern major general, I've information vegetable, animal and mineral...

[shot of the pirates and Paco's men all committing suicide, by hanging themselves, stabbing themselves, or just jumping into the ocean; dissolve to Rubio's last number]

Rubio the Cruel:
[singing] Ding-ding-ding went the bell, zing-zing-zing went my heartstrings...

Captain Courage (Al):
Now we all know why he's called Rubio the Cruel!

Kelly:
(calmly) Daddy, beat him up.

Al:
(instantly) Of course, pumpkin.

Al:
And that's why cable will never replace the moviegoing experience. (puts his arms around Peg, Bud, and Kelly's shoulders)

Kelly:
What time is it?

Bud:
12:15.

Kelly:
A.M. or B.M?

Bud{sarcastic tone of voice}:
B.M.

Kelly:
You know, has it ever occurred to them it would make far better sense to call it P.M. as in postmeridian? There are times I feel I am alone in this world that doesn't make sense.