Married... with Children, Season 9

Al:
Well we had a good time. Well you had a good time while mine blew chunks. I'd like to remind you, son, while you're figuring out my score, that if I don't get my driver's license, that means I can't drive. If I can't drive, I can't go to work. If I can't go to work, that means I'll have to stay home. And I'll be home all the time. Day and night. When you bring your dates over, I will be in my underwear. You know the underwear, don't you, son.

Bud:
Not the ones that read "If you lived here, you'd be home now."

Al:
And I'll be clipping my toenails and eating Cheez-Whiz from the can. Now let me ask you, son, HOW'D I DO?!!!

Bud{initimated at the prospects of Al embarassing him a home}:
You passed.

Al:
A driving test huh. So go ahead gimme you best shot. Show me the moron who dare not pass me.

Bud:
Boondy. Al Boondy.

[Bud reveals himself with a smug look on his face and Al is upset about it.]

Al:
Allright you son of a woman from Wanker. You wanna drive, Lets Drive.

Al:
[answers the phone] Hello Peg.

Peg:
How'd you know it was me, Al?

Al:
I actually heard God laugh.

Al:
Now here's all the money I've got. I want you to go out to a pharmacy and get some real medicine.

Kelly:
Outside? But Daddy, what if someone sees my pimple?

Al:
Pumpkin, it's dark. No one is going to see the pimple.

Kelly:
I guess you're right. I guess I'm just being silly, huh?

[Kelly opens the front door]

Man on street:
Woah, look at the zits on the blonde chick!

Kelly:
Thank God he didn't see the pimple, huh?

Fat woman:
How dare you say that to my face?

Al:
I'd say it behind your back, but my car only has half a tank of gas!

Al:
The things that happen when you forget to pack your cyanide pill.

Al:
Well, let's see: I have an unemployed actress for a daughter... a son who'd have sex with a fire hydrant...and...

Peg:
Oh, happy day. My TV Guide cover collector plates are here.

Al:
That! Gee, I wonder where the next bolt of lightning will strike.

TV Producer:
Listen, I've been making TV since, well, since my wife was born. And do you know what I have learned? Nothing! You people learn more by watching it than we learn by making it!

[Two time MVP Frank Thomas spins newspapers.]

Frank Thomas:
Can I have a break now?

Manager:
No.

Frank Thomas:
[grabs a bat.] Can I have a break now?!

Manager:
(scared) Ab... Absolutely.

[Bud and Kelly come home from working in the shoe store.]

Bud:
A fat woman came into the shoe store today.

Kelly:
And Bud still looked up her dress.

Al:
Ah, you two are the best kids any dad could accidentally have.

Al:
I'm taking this fight to the place that stands for liberty, that stands for freedom of expression.

Jefferson:
The Nudie Bar?

Al:
No, but maybe first.

Kelly:
If God wanted people to shoot a bow, He wouldn't have invented assault weapons.

Peg:
Al, you're tracking mud on the carpet.

Al:
It's not all mud; some of it is colon.

Kelly:
Daddy might have been able to look me in the eye and break when the police brought me home at 2:00 in the morning, but I am not 11 any more.

Al:
Peg, what is it with you? You can change six D batteries in the dark, but you can't find a two-ton automobile.

Peg:
Let's not start talking about who can't find what in the dark.

Jefferson:
It took forever for them to leave.

Al:
Yeah; but much like a roid, they come back with a vengeance.

Bud:
Dad, we got a problem.

Kelly:
We were out walking Buck when we ran into Mrs. Stewart.

Bud:
She was wearing her yellow slicker and I guess Buck must've thought she was a fire hydrant.

Marcy:
What are you guys laughing at?

Jefferson:
Nothing. We're just happy to be here with the women we love.

Al:
And you guys.

Al:
Thank you, Peg, for booking me on the Titanic.

Al:
Did I thank you for inviting me on this cruise, Peg?

Peg:
Well, as a matter of fact you haven't.

Al:
Well, then, maybe a simple stake through the heart would suffice.

Al:
Gee, I can't believe how small it is.

Peg:
Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I've said that.

Marcy:
The women are wearing my favorite scent: Dust.

Marcy:
Oh, Peggy, what are you going to do with $10,000?

Peg:
Well, I think I'll give it to the needy. Of course, I needy it all.

Bud:
You're talking to a guy who's had it more times then there are stars in the sky.

Dr. Kessler:
There are more than four stars in the sky, Mr Bundy.

Kelly:
Do you really think that science can replace this! [Takes off coat to reveal a tight skirt]

Dr. Kessler:
But I've got a patient, [Kelly pouts] Who is now on auto.

Dr. Kessler:
What do you make of this?

Janitor:
I'm going to need a bigger mop.

Bud:
[In machine on other side of glass] Honk, Honk!

Janitor:
A nuch bigger mop!

Beth:
Thanks for signing my inner thigh, Mr. Bundy

Al:
Now, now, Beth. We promised not to speak of such things in front of Les Misérables.

Peg:
Now, Al, don't go to sleep. You know our deal: you get beef, I get beef.

Mark:
Now, remember, we're gonna be giving away free limo service to this Friday's formal to the student with the most pathetic reason for wanting it. [phone rings] You're on the air.

Bud:
Uh, hi. This is Bud Bundy and I'm trying to-

Mark:
Bud Bundy, we have our winner.

Woman:
I'll have your jobs for this.

Al:
Fine, if we can trade for what's in your fridge.

Jefferson:
Stay cool. Our lives are in your feet.

Peg:
That's why life stinks.

Peg:
Al, I think this thing is broken.

Al:
Peg, unlike many of your other devices, this one doesn't need batteries.

Kelly:
It's just a junior prom. I can do this with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back.

Bud:
That's sort of like one of your real dates, right?

Al:
Pretty women make us buy beer. Ugly women make us drink beer.

Marcy (to the tune of the Psycho Dad theme):
Who's the guy whose show is done?

Who's TV hero's on the run?

Who'll be watching VH-1?

Loser Al, Loser Al, it's Loser Al!

Marcy:
Well, at least we're in a church.

Janitor:
Ladies, I gotta lock up. Get out.

Marcy:
I thought this was a sanctuary.

Janitor:
Yeah, 'til 11:00. After that, it's just another crime scene.

(Al comes home excited, but Peg and Kelly are not.)

Al:
Hi Peg. How was Oprah?

Peg:
Oprah wasn't on today.

Al:
Oprah won't be on tomorrow either, Peg. Why?! Cause I had the cable company take her off, see.

(Al shows her a new TV Guide channel.)

Peg:
The Guy Package.

Al:
With Femblock! See, it's a new service they offer men and a few female tennis players who are tired of watching girly crap. See, Peg, it's my week off and I want to spend it watching quality programing.

Peg:
Oh, you mean watching monster movies, jiggly shows and the Three Stooges.

Al:
Soitenly!

(Al and Kelly's movie is showing and the title says "Sheos" instead of "Shoes")

Bud:
Sheos?

Kelly:
No. Shoes, remember? E before O except after E-I-E-I-O.