Mission Hill

Kevin:
Ah, so this is Mission Hill!

Andy:
Don't get excited. It doesn't have anything you would like.

Kevin:
Well, it looks very colorful. I think it's important to embrace as many ideas and cultures as one can. Mom, Dad and I went to see Il Postino and--

Andy:
[angered] Shut up! You are so lame. Shut Up!

Kevin:
Maybe you should shut up.

Andy:
No, You. I'm not the one who's- [Andy and Kevin fight]

Jim:
All right, you two. I'm going to pull this car over right now. [Jim does so. He then gets out of the car and unzips his fly.] What? Don't let me stop your arguing.

Kevin:
I know you're gay, okay, but, like, I don't even have a problem with that.

Gus:
Alright already.

Kevin:
'Cause history's full of great homos. Oscar Wilde was a homo. Alexander the Great was a homo. And do you know who else is great? You, ya big homo!

Gus:
[angrily grabs Kevin by the shirt] That is a hurtful term. Please stop using it, or I'll be forced to clobber you!

Mr. Czelanski:
Kevin is a wonderful student, good grades..." blah, blah, blah. Do you really want to hear this?

Andy:
No, not really.

Mr. Czelanski:
Well, we still have 14 minutes left. (he and Andy share a drink) If only more parents are like you.

Kevin:
I was looking at smut. If I tell the truth, people will think I'm a pervert.

Andy:
[Sarcastic] Oh, like me. Yeah, you wouldn't want people to think you're like me. Dirty old horny McWhack-whack. Far better you should send two innocent people to jail.

Kevin:
They're not entirely innocent.

Andy:
You started that fire? Kevin, those two guys are going to jail.

Kevin:
Well, they shouldn't have robbed the store.

Andy:
They took fifty-three dollars. And they could get a life sentence for attempted murder.

Kevin:
I never said they set me on fire.

Andy:
You never said they didn't.

Andy:
Come on, I'm not MTV material. Hell, I'm barely WB material.

Kevin:
You told them I was dead?

Andy:
I didn't wanna come across as unsympathetic. Entertainment Weekly would've torn me apart.

Toby:
Not to mention Cheers and Jeers and Picks and Pans, which would've jeered and panned you respectively.

[Andy, Kevin, Toby, George and Tina are dressed up for the science fiction convention]

Kevin:
Tina, I must say, you make a beautiful Jordie La Forge!

Tina:
Thanks Kevin, that's really sweet.

Kevin:
Do you even know who that is, Andy?

Andy:
Yeah, he's that guy from Star Wars - I mean Trek! Star Trek!

Kevin:
He said Star Wars! Lot of good an expert in dilithium crystals is gonna be in a universe of space ships powered by hyperdrives! [everyone but Andy laughs]

Kevin:
I wouldn't get too involved in that program - it's almost eight, and my friends are coming over to watch Babylon Five. See. [points to a note on the side of the TV] I reserved it a week ago.

Andy:
I'm not a cartoonist anymore. I'm just dirty, old, raunchy McSmutbag, I run strip clubs, and date sleazy women

Shelly:
Hey, How is that supposed to make me feel?

Andy:
Oh, not women - woman - just you.

Shelly:
Oh Andy, you say the sweetest things.

Kevin:
Andy and that woman kept me up all night.

Jim:
Me too.

Kevin:
Does sex always sound like that?

Jim:
No, they must be doing something wrong.

Kevin:
Like I'm going to Borchmore.

Andy:
Hey, we were Playboy's number six party school. And we had more fraternity drinking deaths than all of your ivy league schools put together.

Jim:
And that doesn't include hazing deaths.

Pencil:
Every year another sucker comes knocking. Mister i want to crack the code. It is impossible I tell you. Impenetrable. God will not be mocked!

Kevin:
I got as high as double 650s.

Pencil:
Hey, you mocked god.

Andy:
You blew all my money on this stupid car?

Kevin:
It's not your money, it's our money. [Andy slaps him] Ow, that hurt.

Andy:
It's not your pain, it's our pain.

Kevin:
Well, Mom always said we should share. [He slaps Andy back]

Andy:
I am so sick of Ron, I'm 24, my life should be about having fun, not taking crap from that bastard.

Gwen:
Why don't you just attack him and get it over with?

Andy:
I don't know, chalk it up to that unique mix of poverty and spinelessness. Without it, the service sector wouldn't exist.

Andy:
(Comes into the diner in a bathrobe) I'll just have a plate of eggs, thanks.

Gus:
No eggs. Ain't you read the sign? (Points to a sign that says "No Shirt, No Hat, No Service)

Andy:
Gus, no one here is wearing a hat. They're all eating.

Gus:
Back in the day, people wore coats and ties and hats in this place. Now look at you. You don't got underwear even.

Andy:
Gus. come on. It's just a different philosophy. I'm like a modern day Buda, freeing myself of wordily attachments.

Posey:
He's right. Buda never wore underpants.

Andy:
And check this out - I found this movie called "Barfully!"

Posey:
Andy, I think that movie is actually called "BarFLY!"

Andy:
Not 'barfully' like the adjective?

Kevin:
'Barfully' is not a word, and if it were, it would be an adverb, as in 'the sewage oozed barfully.'

[Eunice produces the much sought-after recommendation and Kevin is overjoyed and tries to kiss her, but she rejects him much to his dismay]

Eunice:
Come on chimpie, you got what you wanted, quit complaining.

Kevin:
No! I mean, yes, I wanted the letter, but that was before I realized how brilliant and adventurous and wonderful you are! Andy was right all along - you are perfect for me! I don't want the letter anymore, Eunice, I want you!

Eunice:
Well, people in hell want ice water. Have tons of fun with your letter.

[Andy, Posey and Jim are turned away from the new club in Mission Hill]

Andy:
Damn poseurs, come to our neighborhood and tell us we're not cool enough to get into their club? Screw them!

Posey:
Don't feel bad, Andy. We could start our own club and call it the Cool Club and let in everyone who wasn't cool enough for the other club!

Jim:
Or, we could just open a club and not let anyone in at all!

Andy:
You're mean, man, that's why I like you! [Posey pokes Andy in the eye] Owww!!

Posey:
I can be mean too!

[Andy eats his cereal very loudly while Kevin tries to read the paper]

Kevin:
Shut up! How can I read the newspaper with that deafening racket blaring out of your mouth?! It sounds like a gorilla eating a log cabin!

[Posey is meditating and is visualizing a surreal world when a floating figure appears]

Posey:
Oh, hello, don't I know you? Weren't we in the fifth grade together?

Floating Figure:
No Posey, I am you inner being. So, in a way, yes! But, who cares! I am here to guide you on your path of enlightenment. The way is fraught with traps and danger - [points to a canyon] together we must cross the chasm of selfishness, [points to an ugly giant] and defeat the ogre of personal deceit.

Posey:
Oh wow [points to a shambling figure] and what does he represents?

Floating Figure:
That's just Frankenstein! No one really knows what he's doing here. Oh well, let's get going!

Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen, direct from Universal Studios Florida, it's The Blues Brothers 2000 featuring Justin Belushi and Timothy Aykroyd Williams.

Kevin:
Those aren't the real Blues Brothers.

Andy:
Yeah, sorry. Dan Akroyd sends his regrets and John Belushi's been dead for 15 years.

Andy:
Hey there birthday boy! Look I got you a widdle cake, crappy birthday. (Kevin sighs) And look a present! Whats a birthday without a present! huh Kevin?

Kevin:
[disappointed] TV word find.

Andy:
No, Super TV word find see, hours of fun!

Kevin:
I can't believe you've been neighbours with Gus and Wally all these years and you know nothing about them.

Andy:
Yeah I do. I know they both get up at 6 a.m., Wally brews coffee while Gus reads the funnies to him.

Posey:
Isn't it romantic? And then they shower together and sing college fight songs.

Jim:
Then they either argue or have gay sex and then it's off to work.

Movie General:
This here is a map of space, and this planet here is Pluto.

Movie Solider:
Do you think that's where the man from Pluto is from?

Movie General:
Maybe. Now, I have no choice but to kill him. Him, who meant us guys no harm.