Moral Orel, Season 1

Orel:
Gee, dad, I'm sorry I goofed up. I was just trying to be good, so you could love me more than you do now.

Clay:
Oh, Orel. I could never love you more! People only have a certain amount of love in them, and I'm afraid I have to divide mine up between at least a dozen people.

Orel:
Oh.

Clay:
But remember son, I love you enough.

Orel:
I love you enough, too, dad!

Orel:
Behave Shapey, we're going to church!

Shapey:
Shut up!

Orel:
Gee dad, I was just trying to stop those dead people from spitting phelgm onto God's face

Clay:
That much I understand, son. But there are other ways of preserving God's gift of life

Orel:
How?

Clay:
Well, for one... [Picks up the Necronomicon from the shelf] where in this book does it say the dead have to be naked?

Orel:
Well, it doesn't really, but some of their clothes were stinky and messy with blood.

Clay:
Their clothes didn't smell, Orel, their bodies smell. Their disgusting, exposed bodies.

Orel:
Oh. I guess I was too caught up in bringing them back to life to notice

Clay:
That's no excuse. Nudity is a horrible thing, and should only be committed as a last resort. Remember the lost 11th Commandment: Thou shalt be ashamed of thy natural anatomy.

Orel:
You know, Doughy, Reverend Putty's sermon today sure made me think.

Doughy:
But Orel, you know you're not supposed to think when it comes to God and faith!

Doughy:
Hey Orel, wanna come over to my house and play?

Orel:
Can I, mom?

Bloberta:
Alright, but don't take any rides from strangers

Orel:
Why?

Clay and Bloberta:
Because you're in your good Sunday suit!

Orel and Doughy are walking through the cemetery

Doughy:
It's always so pretty. Do you think it's because dead people make good fertilizer?

Orel:
Hmmmmm...maybe

Orel:
Gosh, you sure were right, dad

Clay:
Well, I guess that's why they call me dad...and not mom

Doughy:
Hey Orel, what did you put for number 3 on the science test?

Orel:
Jesus.

Doughty:
Oh, of course!

[Orel is heard grunting in one of the toilet cubicles. Clicky, the janitor, hears this]

Clicky:
Who's havin' trouble in there?

Orel:
No trouble here, Clicky

Clicky:
That you, Orel?

Orel:
Yeah

Clicky:
Then you should eat more fruit!

Orel:
Why?

Clicky:
Help's you go no. 2

Orel:
I ain't going no. 2

Clicky:
Then no-one should be gruntin' like that goin' no. 1

Orel:
I ain't going no. 1 either

Clicky:
Then if you ain't goin' no. 1, and you ain't goin' no. 2, then what the hell number are you goin'?!

Orel:
Uh...no. 3?

[Clicky realizes and walks into the cubicle]

Clicky:
Jesus H. Rodriguez!

Orel:
So close...

Principal Fakey:
Orel, do you know what happens to little boys who masturbate?

Orel:
Well, not till a week ago. But now, my whole world's opened up!

Principal Fakey:
Orel, there are some things that are burned so deep into a person's subconscious that you forget just why they're there. You only know that they've scarred you in such a horrible and personal way that they must be right.

Reverend Putty:
Haven't you heard the handy rhyme? [reading off three tapestries] "Number one, gold like God made the sun; number two, Good Lord help me go poo; number three, the Devil sets my sperm free"

Orel:
No, I never heard the Protestant version before

Reverend Putty:
Well, it's been bastardized over the years.

Orel:
By who?

Reverend Putty:
[[angry] Bastards, Orel...fatherless bastards...

Clay:
Why.......I mean, yes?

Orel:
Dad, how do you make babies?

[Clay walks over to his book-shelf and takes out a book entitled "The Fake Facts of Life, Ages 5-15" which contains childish and easy ways to tell children about the "baby-making" process"]

Clay:
How old are you, Orel? 9?

Orel:
11.

Clay:
Hmm, 11. This is interesting. Now that you're 11, you can now know the real story. "Babies are made by God's chef, visiting ladies at night while they're asleep and injecting them with the delicious glaze from his holy pastry bag." Brilliant.

Orel:
Gods Chef?

Clay:
All right here in the black and white.

Clay:
That still doesn't explain why you were out past curfew

Orel:
But dad, how else was I gonna be God's chef? Ladies needed to be asleep for me to shoot my yummy contents into them.

Clay:
You're not supposed to be God's chef, Orel. God's chef is just a whimsical character like Santa or Charles Darwin.

Orel:
This is jive!

Clay:
Orel! I think you and I have a date...in my study!

Rev. Putty:
Friends, I look around this town and my heart breaks. But it's not the kind of heartbreak I get when a woman rejects me.

Mr Figgurelli:
Hey, how about working here? I can use an underage delivery boy that I can pay whatever I want.

Clay:
Selling crack is a very lucrative business right now. People love it!

Clay:
But I don't know if you realize the true danger of crack. Crack is a gateway to slang.

Orel:
Slang?

Clay:
Yes. Remember, son... people know who you are by the words you use, not the things you do.

Orel:
I'm sorry, Dad. From now on, when I do drugs, I'm going to speak properly.

Clay:
: Attaboy. Just remember the lost 13th Commandment. Thou shalt not bastardize the American language.

Bloberta:
Orel, that pig died for you to eat, not peck

Clay:
You have a lot of time before you decide what you're going to do for a living. And when you do start working, it's not going to be as easy as just peeing into a Tupperware container. Working is a very hard, soul-numbing and joyless experience, son

Orel:
Gosh, thanks for preparin' me for the future Dad, you're the best!

Clay:
If I can make sure your ready for the dead-end bleakness of adulthood, then I've done my job.

Clay:
Stinking dead-end job...

Bloberta:
Hello, sweetheart

Clay:
[Cheerfully] hi, honey!

Principal Fakey:
This is the proudest day in Diorama Elementary history. Never has the elimination of the Arts from the budget been so triumphantly justified.

Bloberta:
I'm not throwing out your breakfast again, it's a waste. And God hates waste

Orel:
He does?

Bloberta:
Yes. Why do you think He won't even throw the devil away?

Clay:
Your mother's right, Orel. What's more, your track coach, Mr. Stopframe, has just sent me a 12 page letter.

Orel:
What does it say?

Clay:
Oh, many many things...but here on page 7, he mentions you.

Orel:
Oh, but why did he send you--

Clay:
He says that you've been coming in with slower and slower times at practice.

Orel:
What else does he write about Dad?

Clay:
Well, that's all as far as you're concerned.

Orel:
Miss Sculptham, I have a question

Agnes Sculptham:
You heard the bell, Orel. No more learning today...

Coach Stopframe:
Clay, it's Danielle!

Orel:
What's the best way to find out what your wife needs to be happy?

Clay:
Well, I guess the best way to find out what any woman needs to read what other men think women need

Stephanie:
Well, in this town, I guess I could use someone like me when I was your height. OK kid, I'm gonna give you a "Prince Albert"

Orel:
"Prince Albert?"

Stephanie:
Yep, I'm gonna put one of these through your Johnson. Then when you're finally tall enough to drive at home, your good lady wife will be squealing like she's won a year's supply of pantyhose

[In the study after Clay learns of Orel's piercing]

Clay:
Orel, I want you to stay away from that person

Orel:
But dad, she has such a warm attitude

Clay:
"Warm attitude?" You kids today and your slang

Orel:
But it's true, she's very pleasant

Clay:
Son, she's only pleasant because she is different. When you're normal like the rest of us in Moralton, you have the luxury of being unpleasant

Clay:
Son, imagine my disappointment when I got a call from the hospital, and found you weren't sick or injured.

Clay:
Remember, Orel: foul smells attract Satan.

Bloberta:
And we certainly don't want him near our toothbrushes.

Clay:
Well, sure, there's a little bit of God in all of us, just not enough to do any good.

Clay:
I'm surprised at you, Orel; you know that only God and the government can decide who lives and who dies.

Nurse Bendy:
Look, I'm busy, just help yourself.

Orel:
Help myself to the sick?

Nurse Bendy:
Yeah; believe me, you can't go anywhere around without knocking one of THOSE over.

Man:
[On a stretcher] where are you taking me now?

Paramedic:
First, to Saint Martin's hospital for the broken neck; and then to State County Prison for the broken law.

Orel:
Gee, the Lord sure woks in mysterious ways!

Reverend Putty:
He's not mysterious, Orel; He works in one way. Give Him the opportunity...and He's gonna get ya!

Doughy:
Is being a policeman scary?

Officer Papermouth:
No, son, I'm never scared when I'm out on the beat; because I have the best backup team out there, Officer's God and Jesus. I know God protects me from all danger and Jesus guides my bullets straight into the brains and lungs of lawless slime

Orel:
I'm never gonna be scared by tonight if I don't kill someone [Walks away sadly]

Doughy:
Poor Orel. [Looks up to the sky] what is wrong with you?!

Orel:
Sorry to interrupt your dinner, Reverend.

Reverend Putty:
Company isn't an interruption, Orel. Just an occasional reminder of my involuntary solitude...

Clay:
Your friendship and loyalty to Joe led you to hurting other people.

Orel:
Yeah…those boys in the forest…

Clay:
No, I'm talking about your three real friends: Doughy, Tommy and the rest!

Singer:
My grandma fell off of the rooftop

Oh, granny, you got some bad luck.

But what she said when she fell on her head,

She yelled out an ear-splitting "Ffffffollow Jesus, have faith in the Lord,

"Praise his name and receieve your reward"

Clay:
So you see, friendship is a complicated headache, but it's ultimately worth it.

Clay:
Hey, Reverend, wouldn't "devilled egg" make much more sense than "omlette" for Judas?

[Pause]

Rev. Putty:
No.

Clay:
Now let's go drink dinner.

Orel:
Don't you mean eat dinner?

Clay:
……………………Yeah

Doughy:
Hey Orel, instead of throwing rocks at my dad's car, how about playing with me, Tommy and him?

(after finding out the situation with Orel and Joe from the gang by making them drink alcohol)

Clay:
Okay, boys, alright. Well, thanks. I'll handle it.

Doughy:
You're not gonna hit them, are you, Mr. Puppington?

Clay:
Oh, Doughy, God wants us to beat our kids when they're bad.

Doughy:
He does?

Clay:
Yes.

Doughy:
Why?

Clay:
Because....[Walks off]

Clay:
Orel, you know the rule: Don't upset your brother until your dad has had his first highball.

Clay:
No buts, young man. You need to behave more like an adult around here.

Orel:
But I'm only twelve.

Clay:
That's no excuse, why your own personal hero Jesus was very mature at your age.

Orel:
He was?

Clay:
Of course! At age twelve, he was already proving the Jews wrong.

Doughy:
Gee why are we sneaking' around this tavern Orel?

Orel:
Because Doughy I need to observe maturity and I figure there is no more mature place than...

(Gets cut off by two guys stumbling out of the tavern fighting over whether football or hockey is better)

Doughy:
Gosh Principal Fakey is kissing Nurse Blinkless. I don't understand - isn't he married to Mrs. Fakey?

Orel:
Don't question your elders, Doughy. Principal Fakey is in his 50's - he must know the best. We just don't understand yet.

Officer Papermouth:
Don't get me wrong being alone is great. It's just that I don't know what to do with my money.

Bartender:
Oh I can think of a few things honey.

Officer Papermouth:
That's what I'm saying! I'll give you money!

Clay:
That kid gets more action than I do.

Bloberta:
I'm still weaning him, Clay.

Clay:
Bloberta, he's seven! He should not be using your milk to wash down his meatloaf, which I pay for by working that stinking dead-end job!

Bloberta:
I'm so sick of your complaining. Why don't you just quit your job and quit being such a crybaby?

Clay:
Oh, thanks for the sympathy! You have never been on my side!

Bloberta:
Why would I be on the side of a self destructive alcoholic?

Clay:
I can't believe I gave you the privilege of satisfying me every night

Bloberta:
Have a good day at school, dear!

Orel:
Ehh, have a good day yourself...

Bloberta:
Hmm... Now where have I seen that behavior before? Have a good day at work dear!

Clay:
Ehh, have a good day yourself...

Clay:
Orel, drinking on a daily basis is not the only way to be an adult.

Clay:
Oh son, behaving like a grown up is many things. First and for most, it means doing things that you hate doing.

Orel:
Like what, pop?

Clay:
Well, like dealing with people who make you unhappy, being stressed about things you have no control over, working soul-numbing jobs.

Orel:
Oh.

Clay:
Then gradually as we endure these hardships and accept them as normal, that's when we finally earned the right to get drunk and be emotionally distant from our families.

Reverend Putty:
I'd like to welcome a very special Merry 1st Christmas to our Jews for Jesus friends. You know, during this joyous season, it is easy to forget the true meaning of Christmas. What Christmas is really about is the birth of the cute little baby who would grow up to die an unbelievably horrible death for our sins. You know who I'm talkin about: Jesus, our Savior! Born from an attractive, young virgin named Mary.

Jesus was an unplanned birth that really made a name for itself. Not only is he a symbol of righteousness, but also the perfect poster child against abortion! Like if Joseph had refused to let the baby grow within Mary, who knows what this building would be right now... maybe even a synagogue! But because Joseph had the moral goodness to raise the "surprise;" we are safe and warm here in a Protestant church. Amen, and merry Christmas

Clay:
You'd better get to bed, boys. Santa's coming, and he knows that kids who stay up late are jerks

Orel:
Boy, God. This sure didn't turn out to be the best Christmas ever. But You still have two minutes left... and I have faith in You.

[Orel looks up to the sky as the camera is pulled back and Orel becomes smaller and smaller. The episode ends]

Radio Jingle:
If the Lord were alive today, what would you give him this Christmas?

What would you give someone who has everything and more?

He can heal the sick, so don't give him an aspirin

He can walk on water, so don't give him support.

If the lord were alive today, what would you give him this Christmas?

You'd give him a $20 certificate at Pizza Joe's!

While talking with Bloberta about Shapey

Clay:
He doesn't even look anything like me...WHO'S BEEN INSIDE YOU?!