Moral Orel, Season 2

Clay:
Son, I know things have been rough over the past few months, what with your mothers unreasonable behavior and bitter coldness towards me.

[Orel is about to put some Chinese food in his mouth]

Clay:
Don't say it, you and Shapey are still young, needy, impressionable children. So your mother and i have decided to stay together. If only for appearances. The last thing we want people to think is that we don't care about our own kids. That's one fact that is none of their business

Reverend Putty:
We we're all made in God's image. Now what does that phrase REALLY mean? I mean, if an ugly, fat lady is made in God's image, then how can a stuck-up, pretty lady also be made in God's image?

Billy Figgurelli:
Dad, can't I play just this once?

Sal Figgurelli:
No prob, Billy. But be home by three. We have to wash all the not-three-o'clock parts of the clock!

Mr Christein:
Figgurelli, I hear the townspeople are all into this segregation mishegus. Oy, it reminds me of when King Herod got spilchiche because of our Lord and savior

Sal Figgurelli:
Huh?

Mr Christein:
You know. It starts with the stereotyping and ends with the kaputz?

Doughy:
Playing is fun. What should we play?

Orel:
let's play church!

Boys:
Church?

Orel:
Yeah!

Joe:
How about "dodge glass?" [Throws broken bottle at Billy Figgurelli, who bleeds] You cut your hand with the glass, just like I wanted you too!

Sal Figgurelli:
Come on, everyone, in the attic! They'll never find us up here. Oh, Suzie, start writing in this [Hands over a diary]

Suzie Figgurelli:
Why, daddy?

Sal Figgurelli:
It's good, you know, for when you're dead!

Christstein Kids:
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, Jesus made it out of clay. Dreidel, dreidel dreidel, then made water into wine.

Orel:
You sure do work hard, Mr. Figgurelli

Sal Figgurelli:
There's three things we Figgurelli's do: we work hard, we love God, and we wish there was a third thing

Orel:
Hey, dad, want to play catch with me?

Clay:
Has gravity gone away, Orel?

Orel:
No, sir.

Clay:
Then don't ask me to take away the place ofsomething that the good Lord has already provided for you.

Orel:
Okay...

Orel:
[Holding the dog] Mom, look what I found.

Bloberta:
Orel, you know that living animals aren't supposed to be around the delicious ones.

Orel:
I want to keep him as a pet

Bloberta:
Nonsense, you already have Shapey

Doughy:
Come on, Orel, we don't wanna be late for Bible Youth Fun Club. You know how intolerant they can all be

Rev. Putty:
…rough, rough, rough, rough! It's rough in hell; but if you follow my sermon, you will avoid the blazing pit. For today's lesson is about something I don't get to talk a lot about up here: love. Sure, it's easy when you got fear and God's reliable spine-chilling wrath on your side. But love? How can we apply love to our faith? Anybody know the answer? Nope, it's a trick question. And here's the simple answer: love Jesus. God wants you to love Jesus more than anything else in the world. More than your mother; more than your father; more than your favorite food; and yes, even more than money.

[The adults of the congregation gasp with horror]

Orel:
Hey dad

Clay:
What's up, real son of mine?

Orel:
Dad, how do you keep from loving someone too much?

Clay:
Glad you asked, Orel. Love is a very beautiful, very intense feeling for a startling short period of time. Before long, you realize it gets in the way of the important things in life; like, just going to sleep or being left alone. That's when love starts fading and lies kicks in

Orel:
But how long does it actually take for love to fade?

Clay:
Oh, quicker than you think, kid, quicker than you think...

Clay:
Now hand him over to Doctor Potterswheel, he has a shot waiting for him that'll be virtually painless; right, doc?

Doctor Potterswheel:
Well, i'm no vet; but, then again, i'm only gonna kill it

Orel:
Gee, dad, does he have to die?

Clay:
With all that love being spread everywhere, this dog is dangerous

Bloberta:
Animals have no souls whatsoever. That's what makes it tasty when we eat and drink them

Coach Stopframe:
Lord in heaven, have him call me.

(Flips cross on wall upside down)

Coach Stopframe:
Satan in hell, make him call me.

Bloberta:
My, you're working late

Clay:
Stinking--

Bloberta:
Dead end job, uh-huh.

[Coach Stopframe is looking through a book of Satanic spells and then looks a photo of Clay]

Orel:
Coach Stopframe?

Coach Stopframe:
Oh, hi, Orel.

Orel:
Whatcha got there?

Coach Daniel:
Mmm, nothing, just a picture. Oh, hey, Orel, do you think that you could get me a little bit of your dad's hair?

Orel:
Sure! What for?

Coach Daniel:
Well, I...want to buy him a new comb and I need to see what gauge teeth to get on it.

Flygron:
Greetings. I am Flygron. Come in and have some pizza.

Orel:
Yum! [Runs inside]

Flygron:
Uh, who's the kid?

Coach Stopframe:
He's the virgin.

Flygron:
What? That's totally against the law.

Coach Stopframe:
But it's for the ritual.

Flygron:
Don't you know any legal virgins?

Coach Daniel Stopframe:
Hadn't crossed my mind, really.

Clay:
Orel, why are you sifting through the garbage bag so early in the morning?

Orel:
Oh, is it THAT early?

Clay:
Yes, and I haven't even finished my third drink yet!

Orel:
Well...

Clay:
And why do you have a strand of my hair in your hand?

Orel:
Uh...

Clay:
Orel, are you planning to buy me a new comb?

Orel:
[Gasps] how'd you guess?

Clay:
Well, it was either that or you were gonna put a Satanic spell on me!

Reverend Putty:
Homosexuality.

[The congregation gasps]

Reverend Putty:
Not only is it the biggest sin out there, it's just plain unfair. Men with men? Are you kidding me? Try not to lose your virginity under those circumstances. I mean, you cut out women, and you cut out teasing, and shelling out cash for expensive dinners, and the nagging.

Doughy:
Wow, Orel, you're the best detective ever!

Orel:
No, Doughy, the best detective of all was King Solomon. He cleverly deduced that a mother never wants her baby cut in half

Doughy:
Oh yeah, that was some caper!

Baby:
Mommy, Marietta's crying. Mommy? Mommy!

Bloberta:
We don't yell in this house, dear, that's for Italians

Man:
Bloberta, where is my tie?

Bloberta:
Wherever you put it, dear

Man:
Aaaaah! Stinking dead-end wife!

Orel:
Gosh, my mom's treating those people like they're her family

Doughy:
I don't know, Orel. It looks she's just ignoring them and fed up and not happy at all to be here

Orel:
Exact…ly…

Doughy:
Uh…I think I'm gonna go home

Orel:
Bye, Doughy…

Doughy:
Hey, Orel, what did you get for number 7 on the anatomy test?

Orel:
Evil

Doughy:
Oh, of course!

Bloberta:
[Whilst scrubbing the floor] Bad dirt. Naughty, naughty dirt

Orel:
Reverend Putty, I can find out who stole that money for you.

Doughy:
For that nickel.

Reverend Putty:
Fine, have it. I guess I'm gonna have to rely on the ol' personality tonight.

Doughy:
Hi 'ya Joe. How much did you put in the tray this week?

Joe:
Nothin'. I don't have any stupid money. (Joe walks away; looks at the tray and smirks)

Orel:
Poor kid.

Joe:
[Carrying donation tray] Stupid walking around on my dumb feet!

Reverend Putty:
Are you telling me that this is it? A nickel?

Joe:
Um, well, somebody stole the money.

Reverend Putty:
Stole?! But my whole sermon was abou-- Doesn't anyobdy lis-- That's God's money! I was counting on some getting lucky cash for tonight.

Orel:
Your birthday? Why didn't you say anything, Miss Censordoll?

Miss Censordoll:
I prefer not to annually celebrate the emergence of my unclad body through such an unsavory passage as my mothers womb

Orel:
Hot dog, picket signs!

Miss Censordoll:
There's a special Saturday screening of "The Greatest Story Ever Told"

Orel:
That's not a dirty movie

Miss Censordoll:
They all are, Orel, if you find a way to look at them just right…

Orel:
But, it's about the life of our Lord. It can't be that bad

Miss Censordoll:
Then let's let God be the judge of that, shall we?

Miss Censordoll:
Of course! That God, even he makes me feel inferior

Miss Censordoll:
We shouldn't tolerate evil just because it's convenient

Orel:
What'cha doing, Farmer Phoney-Crops?

Phoney-Crops:
Just gettin' ahead on labellin' these plums, Orel

Orel:
Neat! I didn't know that was part of a farmer's job

Phoney-Crops:
Son, brand-namin' is more important than waterin'!

Doughy:
Is sin radioactive?

Rev. Putty:
Yes. That's why it's dangerous to get it near your groin.

Doughy:
Yikes!

Orel:
Mom, God is perfect, right?

Bloberta:
Yes. He's the most handsome, understanding and...satisfying man a woman could ever ask for.

Clay:
God makes two types of mistakes. The first kind is called "a miracle". You know, like bleeding statues, burning bushes, earthquakes and hurricanes that destroy disgusting foreign cultures? Those are all good mistakes that back up our faith in positive ways. And then there are His not so good mistakes. Traffic jams, the common cold and the mentally retarded. Those are called "God's blunders"

Principal Fakey:
Quite frankly, Mr and Mrs Littler; your son, Tommy, scored very low on his IQ test

Mr Littler:
I don't understand, he's always studying

Principal Fakey:
Studying never helps in IQ tests. That's why they're the perfect measurement for how stupid he is

[Orel had another wet dream about God spanking him and decided to go talk to his dad about it]

Clay:
You've been having whats? About who!? Doing WHAT!? I think you know what this means, young man!

(holds up his belt threateningly, and Orel gives an aroused grin. Seeing this, Clay puts his belt back down)

Clay:
Just... just meet me in my study.

Reverend Putty:
Now this is not to say that the pious life is completely devoid of joy. Oh, there's lot of great stuff! There's platonic friendship, nice weather, the thrill of a good night's sleep....uh....just to name a few.

Orel:
I'm sure finding it hard trying to avoid all of the devils pleasure traps

Clay:
Ah, don't worry, son. When you get older and have a family, you'll find that leading a virtuous and pleasure-free life comes as easy as waking up in the morning

Bloberta:
Clay, I'm setting your couch alarm so you're not late for work again tomorrow!

Clay:
Fine! Okay, it's a lot easier than waking up in the morning

Orel:
But how do I stop from enjoying other things so much?

Clay:
Oh son, you're still young, you'll naturally grow out of seeing the bright side of things

Orel:
Okay

Clay:
Believe me, it'll happen soon enough, and let me tell ya, it's pretty great!

Orel:
Huh?

Clay:
Just kidding.........

Bloberta:
How do I look?

Clay:
[Very bluntly] Like you always do.

Orel:
Why'd they have to leave, dad?

Clay:
Because they don't believe in God the right way. We simply can't mix with their kind, it's dangerous.

Orel:
But I like Christina

Clay:
Well, why not try being afraid of her instead?

Bloberta:
Welcome to Moralton

Poppet Posabule:
What a lovely home. May I see your detergents?

Bloberta:
I thought you'd never ask!

[At the table, Orel is looking at Christina]

Clay:
Say, she's kinda cute, eh, son?

Orel:
She sure is! And Christina's such a nice name

Clay:
Of course! That's because of what it means. It means "Tiny, little, female Christ"

Clay:
In this cold, cynical, free-thinking, lonely world you've made, it's somewhat expected when new friendships are welcomed with open hearts.

[The Puppington Family are having new neighbors, the Posubules, for dinner, and they're all saying grace.]

Everyone:
Our Father, who/which art... [Everyone stops, slightly confused, then resumes] ...in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses/debts... [everyone stops again, more conscious, and then continue cautiously forward] ...as we forgive those who trespass/our debtors...

Clay:
Debtors?!

Art Posubule:
Trespassers?!

Both:
What are you, nuts?! Get out!/Let's go!

Bloberta and Poppet Posubule:
Well, you think you know someone!

Art:
Get up, kids. I can't believe you would expose my children to this without my consent!

Clay:
Your children? What about my kid, he's only nine!

Orel:
Twelve.

Bloberta:
Please, just leave!

Poppet:
Gladly!

Clay:
You don't even understand what the Lord's Prayer means!

Art:
How dare you!? Forgive your debtors!

Clay:
Forgive your trespassers!

Art:
You owe me a bottle of wine!

Clay:
GET OFF MY PROPERTY!! (Slams the door)

[After what happened at dinner with the Posabules]

Bloberta:
I feel sorry for them. Don't they want to go to heaven?

Clay:
People like them never do.

Nurse Bendy has put Dr. Chosenberg to sleep and he is shown smiling

Orel:
Hey, he's looking better already

Dr. Potterswheel:
Sure! In the hospital business, Orel, you'll find that all patients really need is to shut up.

Clay:
Orel, I thought you were gonna pull some strings

Orel:
Dad, what do you do when something you want is good but also kind of bad?

Clay:
Aaaaah, glad you asked, son. Whenever I do something that I'm not comfortable with, I simply trick or "fool" myself into thinking it's right

Orel:
But isn't that hypocritical?

Clay:
Hmmm...some may call it that. I just like to call it "lying to yourself"

Orel:
"Lying to yourself?"

Clay:
You betcha! One of the best survival tactics I know, kid

Miss Sculptham:
The crusades took place during the Dark Ages, which was a very pious and righteous time in our history. Doughy?

Doughy:
But the Dark Ages sound scary.

Miss Sculptham:
Well, it they're not. "Dark" in this case, means something more like "shade" and "shelter." To be in a cool, dark place away from the oppressive heat of blinding enlightenment.

Him:
So what did they end up getting back from the Crusades?

Miss Sculptham:
Well, as you can see, many of the artifacts are here behind this glass. We have the Holy Grail, a porthole from Noah's Ark, and the skeleton of the baby Jesus. All of these, of course, can be purchased in the museum gift shop.

Mr Figgurelli:
Hi, Orel, what can I do for you?

Orel:
Hi, Mr Figgurelli, my dad needs a new belt

Mr Figgurelli:
Wore the new one out already, huh?

Orel:
Yeah...learning is hard sometimes

Rev. Putty:
(praying) Lord, Putty here. Reverend Putty, for what that's worth. I don't know what the deal is with you, but I do and do and do for you, and all I ask is one measly thing in return! Seriously, is a lady really that difficult to conjure up? I mean, you make trees for a living. And I'm saying it could be any lady! Any size, any shape, any colo- I mean, any weight. The point is, I'm not picky. Amen.

Orel:
There's just so many ways not to be lonely. There are family, friends, faith... Hey, those are all "F" words. I wonder if there are other ways not to be lonely that also start with "F".

Rev. Putty:
(after long pause) Think of any yet?

Orel:
Nope.

Rev. Putty:
Holy Moley! You are pure pureness in its purest form. It's almost irritating.

Orel:
I think that as long as you have at least one of those "F" words in your life, you can't be lonely. For you see, a lot of the problems starts when people get too greedy and want all of the "F" words, and don't appreciate the ones that they have. Then they're just making their live miserable...and who ever heard of somebody actually wanting to make his life miserable. Amen.

Rev. Putty:
Let's just cut the reverend stuff, okay?

Stephanie:
What would you prefer? Pastor? Minister? Brother? Rod?

Rev. Putty:
How about Father?

Stephanie:
Sounds a little too Catholic, doesn't it?

Rev. Putty:
You're right. Better make it Dad.

Principal Fakey:
Well, hello, Nurse Bendy! I have a special student with me that I'd like you to check for lice [Begins laughing and unzipping his pants until hearing the door opening, zips his pants back up and turns his attention to Orel]

Principal Fakey:
Orel, I think you know who makes the rules for praying

Orel:
Oh, of course [Looks up into the sky]

Principal Fakey:
Yes, a bunch of random guys.

Buddha:
Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle and the life of that candle will not be shortened

Principal Fakey:
You're our ringer, Orel, remember that. Not to put the pressure on you, but to put all of the pressures completely on your head.

Clay:
Orel, are you crazy?! You can't just use a Godless religion to worship in our faith. A faith which is absolutely littered with God and Jesus?

Orel:
But, dad, it didn't feel bad

Clay:
Well, it is. Buddhism is a communist cult that allows just about any random practice under the sun. Here in the land of the free, we are lucky enough to have restrictions. Those restrictions are called "dogma"

Orel:
Dogma?

Clay:
Cute word! "Dogma!" Kinda makes you wanna throw it a bone, doesn't it? [Chuckles]

Orel:
But...

Clay:
[Serious] Orel, throw dogma a bone. Pray correctly.

Orel:
But, I just don't understand why it feels-

Clay:
Well, I'm not taking questions right now... but my belt is

Orel:
Nevermind.

Reverend Putty:
Uh, look, just try not to think about it. Not a sight out of mind

Principal Fakey:
That is easy to say

Reverend Putty:
You can do it. Distract yourself. Giver your wife a baby, that'll make you feel like a good husband. Just pretend.

Principal Fakey:
Reverend, please! I didn't come to the repressional to talk about my sins!

Principal Fakey:
Please, Reverend, I'm at my wit's end!

Reverend Putty:
Look, either stop bragging or come through with some juicy details

Principal Fakey:
Reverend Putty, this guilt is overwhelming me!

Reverend Putty:
Gee, I wonder why. You have both a wife AND a mistress. Most people have either or. And some have none!

Principal Fakey:
Please, can I come in?!

Reverend Putty:
Why should I help you repress your guilt? What do I get out of lying to yourself? I'll tell you what: you moving in every other single woman in Moralton, that's what! Leaving me with nothing…

[Block Posabule comes running into the study and smashes some glasses]

Block:
Yay! Break!

Clay:
Orel! Look what you let in [Hits Block with a fly-squatter] Skat Shapey! Shoo shoo!

Orel:
Dad, that's not Shap--

Clay:
What's up son?

Turn the Other Cheek (Original)

You've got to turn the other cheek; turn the other cheek.

Show the world how strong you are by simply acting weak.

Inherit all the world someday 'cuz you will be so meek.

Show them just how meek when you turn the other cheek

Turn the Other Cheek (revised)

You've got to make them turn the other cheek; make them turn the other cheek.

Any time anyone makes a fist you punch 'em in the beak.

It just becomes a reflex 'cuz there is no time to think.

Stop violence while you reap righteous havoc on their cheek.

Then they'll turn the other cheek; they'll turn the other cheek.

They'll learn about the Bible with your whole new violent streak.

It's the one-two punch that teaches them that they should keep it meek.

They'll be up Heaven's Creek when they turn their other cheek.

Clay:
Orel, you know you shouldn't upset your mother by coming home with dirty clothes, because then, your mother talks to your father, and no-one wants that

Bloberta:
Just look at Orel's shirt. It's the fourth time this week, Clay, it's getting worrysome

[Clay does not respond]

Bloberta:
I can't be doing laundry everyday!

[Clay, again, does not respond]

Bloberta:
I'll have to double my detergent budget

Clay:
What? This is serious!

Clay:
Ah yes "turn the other cheek" the war cry of the fraidy-cats. Orel, the phrase "turn the other cheek" has been misused ever since violence became out of style.

Orel:
It has?

Clay:
Sure, that saying should only be used if someone insults you or jokes about your wife, then you should just grin and bare it even laugh if it's funny.

Clay:
(as Orel undoes his pants for a "lesson") Forget it, save it.

Orel:
But...aren't you going to teach me a lesson?

Clay:
No, I'm not.

Orel:
So, what does this mean, you're giving up on me, Dad?

Clay:
Orel, a father never gives up on his son, because then he's not really a father; and if I'm not a father, all I really am is a husband, and that's practically worthless.

Orel:
Uh-huh.

Clay:
Also, you did follow my advice, kiddo, so punishing you would be an admission of wrongness on my part, and believe you me, that ain't gonna happen.

Orel:
So why did we even come in here?

Clay:
Well, we had to cast what's called a smoke-screen.

Orel:
A smoke-screen?

Clay:
Yes, it's a valuable tool I use in order to give your mother the illusion that I'm actually doing my job as your father.

Orel:
Neat! You're the best, Dad. I love you.

Clay:
Sure do. Well, we got about one more minute in here.

(Orel and Clay just stand and sit there for just over a minute while the credits roll)

[After Mr Cartsen reads a ghost story]

Doughy:
Orel, I think I just earned my scaredy badge

[While hiking, Orel and Doughy discover the "missing link" in a block of ice]

Orel:
Wow look, it's the fictional missing link from the ghost book

Doughy:
Say, that should take care of our coincidence badges!

Florence Papermouth:
Ooo, look, it says faith, how fun for a cookie!

Reverend Putty:
It's not a library, ma'am

[After the missing link causes a rampage at the church bake-sale]

Bloberta:
Orel, this European man cannot be your friend; you know full well to not trust a foreigner.

Clay:
Geniuses is the most simplistic way of disproving evolution while at the same time proving that a miracle of God's pure brainpower, He whipped up the universe in his heaven shaped laboratory hundreds of years ago

Orel:
Wow

Clay:
In fact, Geniuses is so simplistic that even the lowest form of life can understand it

Orel:
Gee, Doughy, your parents really do love you after all. They give you money and they don't ever want anything in return, not even you.

Doughy:
Boy Orel, I sure do have a great life! Always getting to do what I want and never having to worry about getting germs from hugging my parents or anything

Doughy:
If I get you all of these things, THEN can we go steady?

Miss Sculptham:
Well, Doughy, if you get all these things plus other things, then that equals "maybe"

Intro Song

Einstein, Darwin, Edison, Alexander Graham Bell

Are all smarty pantses but the chance is they all burn in hell

Yes they're the devil's clientele

So...

Think with your heart put a mortar board on your aorta

Think with your heart and come graduate unto the lord-a

Think with your heart Jesus wouldn't ask for anything lesser

Think only with your heart he's our sweet savior not our college professor

Think only with your heart

Mr Christein:
Crooning? What the mishegus is this 'crooning?'

Mrs Christein:
It's like "canting", but without the no Jesus

Orel:
Gosh, I just got to get that part, I was born to play Jesus.

Doughy:
Gee, Orel who else would even be as half as good as you?

After hearing Junior Christein's beautiful, angelic singing

Dale Armature:
Oh my god...I AM A GOOD WRITER!!!

Three weeks later...

Bloberta:
I hate you Jesus,

Clay:
You rotten little fink,

Officer Papermouth:
Your sermon never pleases,

Doctor Potterswheel:
And all your parables all stink,

Mr.Figgurelli:
Your eyes and beaty nose is weird and goofy basket case,

Old Woman:
I'd like to take that stupid beard and rip it off face!

Rev.Putty:
Prancing gayly on the water, a long haired scrony clod, you maybe someones daughter but you sure ain't the son of....

Everybody:
[In church] Ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-God, I hate you Jesus, with your boring miracles, you smell like a hundred cheeses have been shoved right up...shoved right up...shoved right up my nose!!

Orel:
Wow! Everybody sure hates Jesus! Whoops...

Orel:
I think there's something wrong with Reverend Putty

Doughy:
Why? Is someone c-c-chasing him?

Doughy:
I don't know about this, Orel. Everyone says that Sinville is where unclean people go to have filthy things done to their tarnished little dirties

Orel:
Gee Doughy; I never dreamed that Christian men could be this good at doing God's work

Doughy:
I wonder why Christian women aren't as enthusiastic

Orel:
Well, saving souls is obviously a man's job

[Around town, there is a big epidemic of syphillis, gonorrhea and other STDS, thanks to Orel's "soul-saving business"]

Bloberta:
Well, I just don't know what's causing all these horrible diseases

Clay:
[Reading a newspaper] it's a real mystery

[Clay removes the newspaper, revealing that he has gonorrhea on his cheek]

Clay:
Say, I think I'll go and paint the...uh...lawn!

Orel:
Dad, do you know any sinners?

Clay:
Well, there's one guy who works with me at my dead-end job

Orel:
How does he sin?

Clay:
Every now and then, he forgets to capitalize God's name in legal documents

Orel:
Hey, maybe I could become a heathen just long enough for Reverend Putty to come and save me! That'd make God happy

Clay:
Sorry pal. Until your eighteen, your soul belongs to us

Daniel Stopframe:
Nah, your better when you drink

Clay:
Oh, Danielle, I missed your little face!

Orel:
I don't know if many of you are familiar with the process of stop-motion animation

[The audience gasps in horror]

Doughy:
[As a snake-like belt] come here, Orel, while your pulling your pants up from my spanking!

Doctor Potterswheel:
Is this boy's dad molesting him?

Clay:
What?!

Doughy:
[As Clay] Hey there, Orel, you don't have to hurry. God doesn't mind if we show up drunk and or late to church

Joe:
[As Clay] Hi, I'm Clay Puppington, and I'm drinking "stupid juice". And boy, does it work! Right, Jesus?

[As a Jesus figurine] Yeah, I'm Jesus, and I think you're stupid!

Orel:
Gee, Joe completely changed the meaning of everything I wrote

Doughy:
Gosh Orel, that's too bad

Orel:
I guess some things get misinterpreted

Doughy:
Like what?

Orel:
Hmm...not sure [Scratches his head with the Bible]

Bloberta:
Reverend, would you like a tuna-cone?

Reverend Putty:
No thanks

Bloberta:
Oh, but it's a fun hors-d'oeuvre

Reverend Putty:
Not for me, it isn't

Bloberta:
Oh come on, it's delicious!

Reverend Putty:
Bloberta, I have one bite of that hors-d'oeuvre, and I guarantee you that I will get explosive diarrhea in 13 seconds!

[Clay has finished spanking Orel]

Clay:
I hope that's taught you a lesson, son.

Orel:
It sure has! I'm never gonna do that, with those, in there, for that long, ever again!

Clay:
Good boy son, good boy...

[Pause]

Orel:
Is that it?

Clay:
Yup, you can go.

Orel:
Oh, you're not going to lecture me some more.

Clay:
Nah, gonna relax for a while.

Orel:
Gee...

[Orel looks at the mounted deer on the wall above the fireplace, this grabs Clay's attention]

Clay:
Orel, how would you like to go on father and son outing together?

Orel:
Father and son, and how!

[On a Father/Son hunting trip, Clay has been drinking constantly, becoming more drunk as the day progresses, much to Orel's discomfort.]

Clay:
He-Hey! They just keep on comin'!

Orel:
W-W-What're you doing!?

Clay:
Why, I'm gonna shoot that rabbit of course!

Orel:
Dad, that's not a rabbit- it's someone's hunting dog!

Clay:
Orel, hunting dogs are just... nature's rabbits. [Shoots the dog]

Orel:
Dad, I'm hungry

Clay:
This is all we got, son. What I killed and YOU didn't. You really want some of what you DIDN'T kill? I don't know if that's fair; but if you're really hungry, then come on, come on...

Orel:
You didn't bring any other food?

Clay:
Orel, we're absolutely surrounded by food. That walks right up to us just begging to be eaten!

[Later on in the hunting trip..]

Clay:
(After a large swig of alcohol) I gotta tell you, Cakey; your cup is always half empty. You need to be more like your old man and look at the blight side of things.

Orel:
Blight?

Clay:
I didn't say bright, I said blight. "My life is sunny and blight". Bright means the opposite, it means sudden withering death, and...(Suddenly despondent)...Oh, who am I kidding? My life is full of bright.

Orel:
You mean blight?

Clay:
Oh God...

Orel:
What's the matter?

Clay:
...I hate myself...

[Orel's eyes tear up as Clay looks at the bottle he's holding.]

Clay:
(Screaming) Why did you quit working on me?! She always fools me, Cakey. "I'll make things better dear. Drink me. Put me inside you, I'm great!" And she chokes me just like every other whore out there! They're all worthless, Cakey. Every woman. Don't let 'em get ya. All of 'em wanna get ya. They just grab you and pull you into them! And then you're forced to stay in and pull out and stay in and pull out! And then they gut ya. And then they've got ya by the part where it counts. And then they start SQUEEZING things out! Things that are like WEIGHTS AROUND YOUR HEAD! You sit there for the rest of your life, with NOWHERE to go and NO ONE to be!!! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAHHHH!!!

[Orel, terrified at this rant, accidentally discharges his gun.]

Orel:
Dad!

Clay:
You have done nothing but whine and complain like a lady in a flowery, sissy skirt and attractive high heels about my drinking since we got here!

Orel:
(Half crying) It's because you become a bad person when you drink!!

Orel:
Dad! Are you okay?

Clay:
Am I okay?! You have shot one thing this whole trip-- count 'em: one thing, and it's two of my last bottles of liquor!!!

Clay:
Okay... It's time you became a man! Where's my rifle?

Orel:
I-I-I don't think...

Clay:
There it is! (grabs his rifle and starts aiming it around)

Orel:
(trembling) Dad! W-Watch out!

Clay:
Please, Orel. I know exactly what I'm doing.

Orel:
Yeah, but you might shoot it off by mistake!

Clay:
There aren't any mistakes either. No mistakes, no accidents, no flop-ups, no boner.

Orel:
But...

Clay:
DON'T "BUT" ME! (pulls the trigger, shooting Orel in the leg)

Clay:
Orel! What have you done?!

Orel:
I got shot...by you

Clay:
You sure did! You gotta learn to be more careful, son

[Clay has just shot Orel, and drank all of his rubbing alcohol]

Orel:
I hate you.

Clay:
[utterly flippant] Hate away, sister. Hate away.

[Clay finally wakes up after sleeping off all of the alcohol he drank the previous day; it's in the late afternoon]

Clay:
[cheerfully] Mornin'!

Orel:
Morning was 13 hours ago.

Clay:
Missed the roosters, eh? High time for some breakfast!

Orel:
I wanna go home

Clay:
Why? What happened?

Orel:
You shot me in the leg.

Clay:
No I didn't.

Orel:
Look.

Clay:
Oh. I don't remember that. So that means it's not my fault!

Orel:
Mom, why did you marry Dad?

Bloberta:
Why? Well, men have to marry women. Otherwise if men married men and women married women, we'd all give birth to nothing but fairysexuals.

Orel:
But why did you marry Dad?

Bloberta:
Oh, well...why not?

Orel:
Well, it's just that, when he drinks, he changes...

Bloberta:
Oh, he doesn't change, Orel. That's just his true nature coming out. (Leaves the room)

Orel:
Huh. "Nature"...

Orel:
Gosh, my mom’s treating those people like they’re her family.

Doughy:
I don’t know, Orel. It looks she’s just ignoring them and fed up and not happy at all to be here.

Orel:
Exact… ly…

Doughy:
Uh, I think I’m gonna go home.

Orel:
[sadly] Bye, Doughy.

Orel:
Gee, Mr. Creepler's been parked outside of your house for hours now.

Doughy:
I know. He keeps asking me to get in the back of his boring old ice-cream van.

Orel:
Well maybe he's just lonely and needs a friend.